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need to be set straight, please help!


DFM1986

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I'm super over thinking things right now and I need to be set straight before it all blows up in my face.

 

Back story- I have been friends with this guy for quite sometime. We met in high school, had a short fling that didn't go anywhere, and lost touch for a few years. He later got in contact with me, apologized in case he was a jerk all those years ago, and we started up our friendship. He was in the army at the time, and when he came back to the states we've always lived far apart from each other. We're both flirty people (he used to be quite the ladies man back in the day) so we'd flirt, but in a friendly way and I thought nothing of it. Upon first coming home to the states, we decided to get together and go camping. I really didn't think anything was going to happen, but of course, it did. I think us finally being able to become good friends, our flirty natures, and dare I say simple curiosity was a cocktail I could not refuse. Everything was fine, until a few days after that trip he admitted to having a bit of a crush on me.

 

This has been the stage for our relationship ever since. He's come out to see me a few times over the years (I can count on one hand) and we've hooked up every time.. mostly unintentionally on my part. He's a flirty guy, and has been with other women, but not a lot because he is looking for something more serious and would like to meet someone he could have a relationship with. We've discussed this before, as he has told me numerous times that I would be the kind of girl he would consider dating. He's never been pushy about it, and I've interrogated him a thousand times over, and he's never changed that opinion. I've admitted to him as well that if circumstances were different, I would consider dating him as well, but we've always lived miles apart, neither of us are interested in a long distance thing, and I usually have a boyfriend. He even invited me to live out in Washington with him and tried very hard to talk me into it. I've had a standing invitation to be his roommate for years, and he hasn't had a single girlfriend in all this time.

 

At most, I'd get a little infatuated with him, enjoy the flirtation and when it did happen, the sex. We'd have sporadic times where we'd talk all the time, loose touch for a while (sometimes a few months at a time) and occasionally send a message to say hi. I think I've delayed answering his messages more than he has mine. I never let my mind wander into anything more and would move on, because there was just no way anything was going to be able to develop. It just hasn't been feasible.

 

Until now.. kinda.

 

I've hit a rough spot, which caused me to more seriously consider taking up his offer to be his roommate. He's back on the east coast, looking to go back to school, and I'm in need of a change. He's entirely self sufficient and has told me it'd be fine for me to move in with him rent free until I find a job in the area.. I can just clean the house and watch after his dog in the meantime. We had another talk concerning me being the kind of girl he'd seriously consider dating. I admitted I would consider it to, but again the circumstance is just not right. I am currently in a relationship (that I've been trying to muster up the courage to end) and I've told him point blank that I do not want to jump from one relationship to another (a bad habit of mine at times) nor do I want to start one by moving in right away. Our agreement ended up being that if something happened between us, it wouldn't be a regular thing and we wouldn't read into it. We're free to see/date other people (I was concerned it'd be weird if I met somebody while living with my friend) and if we were to get into relationships, we respect that and cut out all "benefits" from out friendship. We could consider dating sometime later on, if we chose. Sounded very cut and dry to me, and eased my mind.

 

We then jumped back into our flirtation game, chatted with each other, and made plans to see each other. We ended up seeing the tree lighting in NYC and shared a hotel for the night. Of course, our mutual attraction came into play, and we slept together. Should've known. Of course, all this time I've been thinking more and more if I really wanted to make the move, realizing all the benefits, how well we get along, shared interests, etc. And of course, everything was his treat.. essentially a date without PDA or getting touchy feely. We've always just been friendly towards each other, despite everything else. At some point, I teased him about dating, and he was very quick to remind me of *my* terms to just be friends and think about dating farther down the road. I was a little taken back, but after all, it was what I had wanted and he was respecting that. Of course, after hanging out with each other, our contact has dwindled some. We spent the week up to the trip talking almost every day, having long conversations, and it's back to a few sporadic messages. This is nothing new, or out of line, but now it's driving me crazy. I even forced myself not to text or call him at all till he contacted me, which he did, but we just never kicked off another conversation. I think I'm in another infatuation stage, but it's worse for me right now because I was seriously considering moving in with this guy. There's no end to the story this time (for now), nothing to reset my mind. I am crushing, and obsessing over whether or not he's seriously interested in me. Which is a bit ridiculous, I know, because I still don't want to start a relationship by moving in with him. I guess I'm just looking to see whether or not it's still seriously an option.

 

This is where I need some tough love and to be set straight.. about what's going on with my friend and even myself. I understand I'm feeling a bit vulnerable with coming to the end of my current relationship and the possibility of moving to a whole new place. I also know I've pushed back my attraction for my friend, and it's starting to bubble up with the idea of us finally being in such close contact. And I'm driving myself crazy trying to analyze him. I don't feel like he's just using me, I know he has some kind of affection for me (at least as friends), and his desire to live with me isn't just to get in my pants. I've just never quite known how serious his feelings for me may or may not be, and now I'm dying to know. Any insight here would be *much* appreciated. If it's never going to happen, I need to get it through my head now. I don't want to mess up our friendship anymore than I want to mess up any chances with him.

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You need to take about 6 months and just be by yourself. You are jumping from one relationship into another and what you're doing is so patently unfair to your boyfriend it boggles the mind.

 

End your current relationship if you don't want to be with him any longer. Be fair.

 

Quit using men as crutches to keep from being on your own.

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I'm not using anyone as a crutch, and I have no problem being being single. But you are right that I'm being unfair and need to take time to myself. I have "reasons," but at the end of the day I know what needs to be done. I just wanted to clarify that I was planning to end it before all this other mess started.

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It makes no sense to move in with someone you barely know to become their dependant and expect that to work out as a romantic relationship.

 

You find this relationship intriguing because it's mostly fantasy-based. It's easy to fall in love with a construct you create 'about' someone with your own mind.

 

Sure, we can find anyone appealing when we create a vacation-like cocoon around them for a few days and push the rest of the world out. The reality of day-to-day living while in a full dating relationship 'near' one another has never been tested. To move straight into someone's home complete with financial dependency is a nice fantasy, but your odds of winning a lottery likely trump those of your luck with that.

 

Add disloyalty to a current BF to mix, and this just has "Gee...what could go wrong?" written all over it.

 

I'd stop living in my head.

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I've known him since high school, he's not a stranger to me. We just haven't lived near each other for quite some time. But this is exactly what I needed to hear, because I do need to get out of my head. Our plan to move in together had nothing to do with romantic intentions, and it really isn't how I would want to start one either. I think I just need to have an honest conversation with him and eliminate any possibility of hooking up from our friendship if we're to be roommates, since it'll only mess with my head.

 

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I just needed to get out of my own head, and venting and your feedback helped me do that. I didn't intend for any of it to happen, and the whole plan was to end my relationship, be single, and move in with my friend as just friends. That's what I wanted in the first place and it's the best thing to do. But clearly I wouldn't be able to handle anything casual with him, so I need to make that clear.

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I think I just need to have an honest conversation with him and eliminate any possibility of hooking up from our friendship if we're to be roommates, since it'll only mess with my head.

 

Then start with honesty with your Self first. Everything you've listed as happening with this guy coincidentally was never your 'intention'--it just happened...somehow.

 

I'd stop pretending that I don't control outcomes. Maybe it's time to be fully awake and take stock of your intentions.

 

What are those?

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You cannot move in as "just friends". You have stated that to BIM and he has accepted it...but you are lying t yourself and him.

 

Break up with current bf. Work until you have saves enough money to move and live off your saving until you find a job. You don't go and mooch off him and play house.

 

You seriously need to be single for a good long while.

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