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How to woo male "dumpee"?


Cakegirl12

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Hello fellow lonely hearts,

 

Background: My boyfriend and I have been broken up before. The first time he broke up with me "so I could focus on school". Didn't and still don't buy it. He was just fed up one day with our communication issues. Beforehand we had been dating for 2 years. Our break-up lasted 5 months (strict NC) until we ran into each other. He told me that me cutting him out of my life made him very angry at me because he still wanted to be in my life. Then after running into me he tried to win me back when I was dating somebody else. He did. This relationship lasted 3 months.

 

For this break-up, I wanted a break with him because at the time it was the most very crucial and stressful point in my career. I honestly didn't have the time or emotional capacity to work on the relationship issues with him, and I knew he deserved more from me. And I wanted to get my s*** together so we could have a better future.

 

He took it as full-on break-up. We tried friendship, not really for my sake but for his. He adamantly tells me how he wants me to be in his life, since he hated it when I cut him out of my life when he dumped me. But whenever we tried to hang out I kind of acted like we were in a relationship (it's hard not to!!). That made him uncomfortable to the point where he now needs about a month to himself. That saddens me to a huge extent. Especially when he gave mixed signals himself (really wanting a hug goodbye, teasing me mercilessly..).

 

I really had no intention of this being a permanent ordeal because I know deep in my bones he is the one for me. We've made so much progress in our communication, and everything else was starting to fit into place the second time around. Now I'm afraid that he's going to be less willing to try again due to other peoples' perceptions of our now "on-off" relationship (he's really insecure), and also because he just doesn't want to be hurt.

 

Also, I did get kind of clingy/crazy during our recent break-ups. But he still seems friendly and willing to help me if I'm in a medical/emotional crisis. I texted him about a family event and he nicely responded.

 

 

Is there hope? If so, what are some romantic gestures that can really knock a guy's socks off? Order a pizza for him? I'll give him his month of not talking, but I still want to show him he's special just like he did for me. Just don't want him to friend-zone me.

 

Thanks for reading! Feel free to ask any questions about our first reconciliation if it could help your current sitchuway.

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You sound hopeful, so I suppose that means yes, there is hope

Seriously, I don't think now is the time for grand gestures. Let him know the door is open, if that is what you want, and give him the space he asks for. Anything else you do may be seen as clingly or needy, and that is not atractive. The uncertainty is horrible, I know.

A while back I went up-and-down-back-and forth with a guy, and what finally dawned on me was this: he wouldn't let me go only because he couldn't make a commitment to break up. Our relationship problems had begun with him not wanting make a commitment to the relationship. What he wanted, it turned out, was a sort of NSA long term. I realized that wasn't for me, so I ended it permanantly even though he protested he wanted me.

Maybe he wants you, but not in the way you want. Do you know what you want?

All you can do is give him the opportunity to step up. If he doesn't, then perhaps you would be wise to move on.

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Yes, exactly..the uncertainty is the death of me!! It bums me out so much when I know he is everything I want. I would just hope that if he even for a second knew that he didn't want to be with me he would let me know.

 

Ok I will lay low. I haven't contacted him in three days. Not long, but I get used to it after two days and I'm going to be busy this week, so I should be able to keep it up. Especially when I hear someone tell me that's what I need to do. Sometimes I like to to think I know what he's means by "I want space." When actually he just means..."I want space."

 

And I want our relationship again. It doesn't have to be now, since I know his trust issues would still be fresh..but I don't want to be kept waiting for his answer forever. He also shouldn't have a problem with a commitment as long as he's assured I won't hurt him (he really likes monogamous relationships).He is somebody I truly want to spend my time with and more. I knew this when I initially wanted to take a break, but it was also cemented when I unintentionally went into the dating world.

 

Your reply is so great, thank you! Glad to have some perspective from somebody that went through a similar situation.

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I'm confused why you're not simply having an honest conversation in which you tell him how you feel and what you'd like to see happen.

 

If you want to be together, I'd just tell him and end all the guessing and games. Forget the big gestures. It's not nearly so complicated as you're making it seem!

 

I was a Dumper who returned to my then-ex and found that a direct, honest approach really worked. BUT... I was not messing him around by saying "maybe someday" or "I still want you in my life in some undefined way".... we got back together, 100%, right then and there. If you're not willing to do that -- starting now -- I'd leave him alone so he can heal and move on and find someone who is!

 

If he's not willing to get back together now, I'd walk. Back-and-forth on-and-off relationships are exhausting and indicate that someone's on the fence about their feelings -- and you don't want that!

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OK, here's a big mistake that young girls make... they have this feeling that 'he's the one' so they think they can do anything they please and break up as many times as it suits their mood and the guy will still be there for him. But meanwhile, every break up destroys his trust in you, and while you're 'on break' he can well meet someone else and never come back.

 

So don't mistake a romantic feeling/fantasy for the reality that you can't just jerk each other around forever and expect this to work out in the end. So now you have a big problem, that he doesn't trust that you'll stick with this for more than a few months without breaking up with him yet again. The ONLY time you should ever break up with someone is when you're 100% sure that you don't want the person, otherwise it is a HUGE risk that it will be permanently over regardless of your feelings for him.

 

So what do you do now? The problem isn't that you don't have enough 'romance' with him, the problem is he doesn't trust you or that you will not keep extending this drama forever and again and again. So if he has asked for a month without communicating, then you give him that and NO drama. I mean NONE, from now to eternity. He's obviously sick of it which is part of the reason he's not willing to trust you. So you give him no more drama. No more dumping of your emotional 'issues' in his lap. He may feel obligated as a human being to respond if you tell him something really sad, but that's not going to make him want to be your BF. He may offer the sympathy, then think, 'gads, this girl is just such drama and wants me to be her Daddy or her shrink and I'm sick of it.'

 

So act NORMAL. At the end of the month, contact him and ask to speak with him, and present your case (without any drama) about why you think you should try again romantically and why just being friends doesn't work for you. And that you've learned that breaks/break ups are NOT a solution to anything and you don't intend to do it again. You can't pretend to be 'just friends' when the ffeelings are deeper, so don't try. If he won't agree to get back with you and work with you on resolving whatever issues led to the breakup by not making the same mistakes again, then it really is over and you need to accept that and let go.

 

And learn a lesson from this. Women don't take 'breaks' from their husbands when their work gets intense. You have to learn that you can't just back burner someone and expect them to be there forever, and if he is a priority, then you TREAT him as a priority and don't jerk him around. If you have signficant enough emotional issues that you feel overwhelmed, then you take them to a therapist and don't dump your BF or expect him to be your therapist... Lesson learnned!

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I'm confused why you're not simply having an honest conversation in which you tell him how you feel and what you'd like to see happen.

Sorry for not mentioning it, I have. But I think he was too hurt to truly accept it or do anything about it.

 

If you want to be together, I'd just tell him and end all the guessing and games. Forget the big gestures. It's not nearly so complicated as you're making it seem!

 

I was a Dumper who returned to my then-ex and found that a direct, honest approach really worked. BUT... I was not messing him around by saying "maybe someday" or "I still want you in my life in some undefined way".... we got back together, 100%, right then and there. If you're not willing to do that -- starting now -- I'd leave him alone so he can heal and move on and find someone who is!

 

If he's not willing to get back together now, I'd walk. Back-and-forth on-and-off relationships are exhausting and indicate that someone's on the fence about their feelings -- and you don't want that!

Gotcha. I guess I should've just backed out of his life when we were trying to do the "friendship". Just should've told him I was still too emotionally attached to give him something as stable as a friendship when I was still in love with him. I still wanted some level of flirtyness or chemistry, and that was my mistake. It hurt so much to have him shut me off romantically, but that was my fault. I wasn't thinking at all or even about his feelings, I was just blindly following my emotions. Learned my lesson.

 

I think he needs time. I kind of did throw him through an emotional rollercoaster. It could be a very bad sign that he needs time, but I'll just give him his month. Until then I'll just shut my feelings of being scared, hurt off.

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OK, here's a big mistake that young girls make... they have this feeling that 'he's the one' so they think they can do anything they please and break up as many times as it suits their mood and the guy will still be there for him. But meanwhile, every break up destroys his trust in you, and while you're 'on break' he can well meet someone else and never come back.

 

I'm sorry if that is your perception of me. I never think of him as some rag-doll I can throw around, he is a person. Did I lose sight of his feelings during some instances after the break-up? Yes. I've formerly apologized for it, and he happily accepted. We're all human. But before when I was thinking about taking a break, I never took it lightly. It was a very painful decision for me to come to. There was no balance in my life, and I didn't want him to get thrown into an unstable mix.

 

Also, I realize he could very well date someone else. We're both young, and I would want him to have that experience. It would of course hurt though, but I understand. And if he truly thinks that is the most compatible person for him, so be it. I wouldn't keep him from that.

 

So don't mistake a romantic feeling/fantasy for the reality that you can't just jerk each other around forever and expect this to work out in the end. So now you have a big problem, that he doesn't trust that you'll stick with this for more than a few months without breaking up with him yet again. The ONLY time you should ever break up with someone is when you're 100% sure that you don't want the person, otherwise it is a HUGE risk that it will be permanently over regardless of your feelings for him.

Yes, I should've truly realized this risk

 

So what do you do now? The problem isn't that you don't have enough 'romance' with him, the problem is he doesn't trust you or that you will not keep extending this drama forever and again and again. So if he has asked for a month without communicating, then you give him that and NO drama. I mean NONE, from now to eternity. He's obviously sick of it which is part of the reason he's not willing to trust you. So you give him no more drama. No more dumping of your emotional 'issues' in his lap. He may feel obligated as a human being to respond if you tell him something really sad, but that's not going to make him want to be your BF. He may offer the sympathy, then think, 'gads, this girl is just such drama and wants me to be her Daddy or her shrink and I'm sick of it.'

 

So act NORMAL. At the end of the month, contact him and ask to speak with him, and present your case (without any drama) about why you think you should try again romantically and why just being friends doesn't work for you. And that you've learned that breaks/break ups are NOT a solution to anything and you don't intend to do it again. You can't pretend to be 'just friends' when the ffeelings are deeper, so don't try. If he won't agree to get back with you and work with you on resolving whatever issues led to the breakup by not making the same mistakes again, then it really is over and you need to accept that and let go.

 

And learn a lesson from this. Women don't take 'breaks' from their husbands when their work gets intense. You have to learn that you can't just back burner someone and expect them to be there forever, and if he is a priority, then you TREAT him as a priority and don't jerk him around. If you have signficant enough emotional issues that you feel overwhelmed, then you take them to a therapist and don't dump your BF or expect him to be your therapist... Lesson learnned!

Great advice, thank you! Your emphasis on not giving him drama really makes me realize how much damage I was actually doing. Wish I had known to do some of these things then blindly follow my emotions during the break-up. I guess I felt like I had to urgently fix it since I was the one who initiated all of this, but my idea of fixing was SO skewed. When he dumped me, I could go on my merry way (not in the merriest of senses..).

 

Not sure if it makes any difference, but the family event I informed him about was happy. Just wouldn't want you guys thinking I was trying to extract sympathy from him in order for him to come back into my arms. It was something that he had showed interest in before so I thought it would be nice to let him know. So I just had a short and sweet text conversation with him and left it at that.

 

Also..yes really trying to get a hold of a therapist. I do feel sorry for my ex, because he is the only one I know in a small town, isolated from my family for the first time dealing with a lot of pressure and failure.

 

If it would ever lead to marriage, yes I would really have to analyze my behavior and know that I would have to take my decisions seriously to a whole 'nother level. And even now I should really think of the consequences of my actions..but marriage, yeah NO playing around there unless you want a huge mess.

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>>But before when I was thinking about taking a break, I never took it lightly.

 

What you really have to fight for here is recognizng that his perspective is not your perspective. By that i mean, how you took it (lightly or not) isn't the same as the impact it had on him. It is HUGELY painful to get dumped, regardless of the reason. And you need to think about HIM and HIS perspective when you make decisions like this, otherwise you will make big mistakes that may or may not be able to be righted again.

 

There should be no 'playing around' ever with your partner's feeling and emotions, doesn't matter whether you're married or not, you have to treat him with tender care and think about the impact of your behavior on the other person. Unfortuantely, in relationships you usually don't get too many 'do overs' before your partner distrusts you and decides that he's not willing to take another beating in a bucket from you. So they will strike out for sunnier shores.

 

So now you need to convince him that you do really take this relationship as seriously as you SAY you do. If you SAY you're serious, then you break up with him for whatever reason, your behavior is not reflectiing what you say, so it builds distrust in him. And i'm sorry to say, but NOBODY believes the 'i did this break up for us and for your own good' excuse. No, you broke up because you saw it as an OPTION and an open option to get him back whenever you felt like you were ready for it. Unfortuantely he is his own person, and you may have exhausted the 'do over' potential here.

 

So be very serious about how you deal wtih his feelings... they are as important as your own and you can't neglect them or discount them if they don't match yours, or in the end the person won't trust you and will leave you or refuse to come back. So this next 'do over' may well be your last, and you need to change your mindset to really consider his feelings first and also the reality that you can't break up multiple times and expect it to work out in the end at YOUR option. He's a human being with his own thoughts and feelings, and if he is hurt enough, then you'll only get so many chances and then he's done, regardless of what you want.

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>>But before when I was thinking about taking a break, I never took it lightly.

 

What you really have to fight for here is recognizng that his perspective is not your perspective. By that i mean, how you took it (lightly or not) isn't the same as the impact it had on him. It is HUGELY painful to get dumped, regardless of the reason. And you need to think about HIM and HIS perspective when you make decisions like this, otherwise you will make big mistakes that may or may not be able to be righted again.

True. I think he saw me as throwing the relationship away. Not sure if he can ever see it any other way. I tried everything to convey to him that I do want to be with him, but I think his feelings aren't going to accept that. I guess it is hard to understand "If they loved me so much, why wouldn't they want to be with me right now?". However it's not so black-and-white.

 

 

There should be no 'playing around' ever with your partner's feeling and emotions, doesn't matter whether you're married or not, you have to treat him with tender care and think about the impact of your behavior on the other person. Unfortuantely, in relationships you usually don't get too many 'do overs' before your partner distrusts you and decides that he's not willing to take another beating in a bucket from you. So they will strike out for sunnier shores.

Ah!! Not what I was trying to communicate at all. You're right there should never be any playing around with peoples' feelings. All I meant to say that marriage is much more permanent so ABSOLUTELY no take-backsies. But yes, no take-backsies should be a standard for all relationships. All relationships should be treated very seriously, otherwise why bother with the hurt.

 

So now you need to convince him that you do really take this relationship as seriously as you SAY you do. If you SAY you're serious, then you break up with him for whatever reason, your behavior is not reflectiing what you say, so it builds distrust in him. And i'm sorry to say, but NOBODY believes the 'i did this break up for us and for your own good' excuse. No, you broke up because you saw it as an OPTION and an open option to get him back whenever you felt like you were ready for it. Unfortuantely he is his own person, and you may have exhausted the 'do over' potential here.

 

So be very serious about how you deal wtih his feelings... they are as important as your own and you can't neglect them or discount them if they don't match yours, or in the end the person won't trust you and will leave you or refuse to come back. So this next 'do over' may well be your last, and you need to change your mindset to really consider his feelings first and also the reality that you can't break up multiple times and expect it to work out in the end at YOUR option. He's a human being with his own thoughts and feelings, and if he is hurt enough, then you'll only get so many chances and then he's done, regardless of what you want.

It's fine for you to think of my reasoning as some kind of excuse as a way out of it, but I know within myself that I did what I thought was best. It's fine for him to think of it like that too. However, it would hurt me immensely if he thought I believed this relationship to be so disposable. I won't push anyone to believe what my reasoning is because that will only detract from my point. My point is that I want him back with all of my heart and now I will know to treat everything I do a whole lot more considerately. If he decides to say that I never truly wanted to be with him or considered his feelings, I'm truly sorry and he should find somebody that he feels will be much more considerate. Even if it sucks. All I can say is that I will try with all that I have, and all I can hope is there is even a slight possibility that it would satisfy him.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to try and knock some sense into me. It seems like you've had a lot of experience (or at least meaningful experience) and acquired a lot of good take-away information from it.

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True. I think he saw me as throwing the relationship away. Not sure if he can ever see it any other way. I tried everything to convey to him that I do want to be with him, but I think his feelings aren't going to accept that. I guess it is hard to understand "If they loved me so much, why wouldn't they want to be with me right now?". However it's not so black-and-white.

 

I think all we can do is tell you how we would feel and react. If someone broke up with me, it would indeed erode my trust. If we are thinking of being together forever, over the course of a lifetime a lot of mess is going to happen and I would not want to be with someone who would let me go everything a crisis occurs. It's human to make mistakes. It is also human to have boundaries and behaviors we do not accept.

 

If he doesn't trust you to take you back, accept it and keep moving on.

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I think all we can do is tell you how we would feel and react. If someone broke up with me, it would indeed erode my trust. If we are thinking of being together forever, over the course of a lifetime a lot of mess is going to happen and I would not want to be with someone who would let me go everything a crisis occurs. It's human to make mistakes. It is also human to have boundaries and behaviors we do not accept.

 

If he doesn't trust you to take you back, accept it and keep moving on.

 

Fair enough. It's not like we never had tough crises beforehand though..so it would unfair to assess that I run away whenever there's problems. I know about the trust issues, because he dumped me before. I got over them though, and really took what he was saying to heart. I could see how much he wanted this relationship to work. If he doesn't see that in me, ok, I'll go. Whatever he wants.

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Most things have been covered in here, but I will reiterate -- you never, never, never break up with someone (or go on a break) unless you mean to do it forever. If I were him I probably wouldn't trust you either. And I know you've been justifying this break, but I think you acted hastily and really didn't think things through. As you grow older, you are going to get more busy and stressed, not less. Are you going to ask for breaks any time there's a lot going on in your life? I mean, if you really want someone to be in your life, wouldn't you want them there no matter what else is going on?

 

Use this month away (and stay away as he requested, please respect his wishes) to figure out what exactly you want. Do you really want him because you love him and you want him to be a long-term part of your life? Or do you want him because he's the best option right now and it's better than having no one? If it's the first, state that when you talk to him and if he takes you back, stop playing games and be with him. If it's the second, just leave him alone.

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Fair enough. It's not like we never had tough crises beforehand though..so it would unfair to assess that I run away whenever there's problems. I know about the trust issues, because he dumped me before. I got over them though, and really took what he was saying to heart. I could see how much he wanted this relationship to work. If he doesn't see that in me, ok, I'll go. Whatever he wants.

 

As part of the bigger picture, you guys have ended it twice. It's now an on and off relationship. In my experience, when couples can't figure out a way to stay together, they are incompatible.

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Gotcha.. Yeah I should've thought it through more, just wasn't aware it would be permanent because he wouldn't trust me. Had a lot of pressure from my family to focus on my career since they're the ones helping me out financially, and I didn't want to waste their money by just focusing on him, which was what I was really starting to do. And I've done this before and have really failed my family, didn't think I would get the second chance to succeed. Just tired of people making it seem like I never considered him. I know it will only get harder, I just want to get through this on my own two feet rather than getting distracted and bringing him down with me in this very make-it-or-break-it time. Once I get through this, I can have a lot more to offer him.

 

I do want him just for him, not any other selfish reason. Thanks for your advice, I will know not to contact him.

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Hi cakegirl12

First ask your self do you really like this guy enough to do what it takes to have you and he back together. If the answer is yes.

Then why did you really break your relationship off. did you sit down with the gut and tell him why you were thinking of ending the relationship. The idea of NC is a lot of bull and all that does send the other party looking for someone that will tell the guy what he wants to hear about how uncaring you have been. to me the most important thing is to keep the lines of communications open. keep the talking going. you have to be a combination of a tooth ache and at the same you have keep talking about all the good times you two had. but keep it light . I know with me when my girl and I have a disagreement I will send her a e-card for just about any reason at all telling how much you miss all the good times the you two had. and when picking out a card spend the time to the one that expresses your feeling for you have for him I pick cards that have a songs as part of it. Also do not get up on your high house and start playing games with him.

And most of all not not let your self be drawn into a fight stay cool. and first last and always keep him talking.

and once you think that you have changed his mind about the break up say that we should talk about what brought the break up on so it will not happen again. I hope this will help bring you two back together.

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Sorry to cut in here Cakegirl - this is a perfect example of how the person who officially walks away ends up being more of the dumper than the dumpee. You went NC the first time, he came begging back, now he's the one doing the same to you.

 

You guys sound like you're unable to work on a relationship. And Im sorry to say, everyone has time to make it work, it doesnt take more effort to be nice to your SO, or make him feel loved - even if you're busy. If you make him feel like he's important to you he will understand you're busy.

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Sorry to cut in here Cakegirl - this is a perfect example of how the person who officially walks away ends up being more of the dumper than the dumpee. You went NC the first time, he came begging back, now he's the one doing the same to you.

 

You guys sound like you're unable to work on a relationship. And Im sorry to say, everyone has time to make it work, it doesnt take more effort to be nice to your SO, or make him feel loved - even if you're busy. If you make him feel like he's important to you he will understand you're busy.

 

The issue wasn't that I didn't want to make him feel loved or be nice to him. The issue was that there were too many little fights for me to handle when I had to concentrate on other things. Those arguments could've been worked out if I had the time. But I didn't. I wasn't going to lose my career because I was concentrating on my relationship too much, and trust me that would've happened because I do not know how to balance for my life. Either I really concentrated on my boyfriend or I really concentrated on my career, I could not do both. Maybe that's immature, but I'm still growing up and I do not know how to handle many responsibilities at once. I feel bad that he got slighted, but I had to make a tough call. I could wind up regretting it for the rest of my life, I don't know. Whatever, nobody's going to listen to my side anyway because I'm the dumper.

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Well you need to figure out the bolded before you do anything in regards to your ex. Because you are going to have more things on your plate, not less, as you get older. Balance is important and if you can't balance two things -- a relationship and a career -- what are you going to do when other variables become introduced? He has requested some time away from contact, so use that to your advantage to get your sh*t together. And until it is together, let him be.

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