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He just wasn't into me, after all.


Kricket123

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Hi all,

 

I just need to vent

 

I had previously posted several times about a guy I was dating for 2 months who was acting wishy washy. Around 5 weeks into things he told me he didn't feel that extra spark like he thought he should. I tried to end things at that point, but he talked me out of it. He did want to wait to have sex and I agreed. There were also other issues all amounting to lack of effort on his part: not wanting to plan more elaborate dates (e.g. going to see a play), my needing to initiate contact first, etc. I knew I was doing too much chasing but he didn't seem like a jerk and I like him.

 

Two dates later, after it became clear that he did, in fact, want to have sex, I asked him how he was feeling about me. He said that he thought things were good. So, we slept together the next time we saw each other. Two days later, I asked him about weekend plans and he gave me an excuse of needing to work. Knowing this was just an excuse, I pushed the conversation and we ended things. He said that he is really frustrated that he's not more into me, because I have all the qualities he is looking for. He said he really tried hard because he really wanted it to work with me. But, he didn't really make that effort 100%--we never talked on the phone, he kept active on his online dating profiles, I never met his friends, etc.

 

I knew the risks I was taking in allowing things to continue once he indicated that he wasn't all that into me, but he wanted to see if that would change for him so I figured it was worth a shot. But now I'm just sad and think that he just had sex with me as a way to clarify his own feelings. I really like him as a person and now I'm sad that I have to go back to the drawing board and suffer thru rounds of first dates from online dating.

 

This sucks. I know that settling for a crappy relationship just keeps me from seeking out someone who could be great, but I really liked this guy and was hoping he was my someone great.

 

I'd appreciate any words of wisdom about this kind of thing!

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I think you already wrote words of wisdom yourself, in your post

You can feel really great about not allowwing yourself to get mired in an unsatisfying relationship in which you do all the caring. You gave it every chance, with an open and generous heart. You get an A! You did the best possible thing. It's just not a match, and it doesn't matter why.

What matters is you. Take a little time to let the sting wear off, then go out an meet someone else. You'll know you are ready when it no longer seems like an onerous chore.

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Never put in more effort than the other person. Never. Also, when someone says they have to think because they're not sure blah blah, move on and find someone who knows you're the woman for them without having to think about it. Finally, just because someone doesn't look like a jerk, doesn't mean he's not a jerk. This one was.

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I think the only wisdom that we can offer is that you should listen to the guy, listen to your gut, and have the courage to walk away when:

 

-You date a guy for 2 months who is acting wishy washy.

-Around 5 weeks into things he tells you he didn't feel that extra spark like heshould.

-He doesn't make much of an effort (e.g. him not wanting to plan more elaborate dates, you needing to initiate contact first, etc.)

 

A guy like this will eventually leave you when someone he is really into appears. Don't ever try to settle. The guy certainly won't.

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I'm sorry this happened, and I hope it will make the case for allowing what I think of as 'passive screening'.

 

Think of building a puzzle. If you force a fit between two pieces just because you want them to go together, that harms the whole outcome of your puzzle.

 

Finding love is a puzzle.

 

Allow wrong matches to pass early, and they will.

 

This frees you to complete your puzzle the right way.

 

Don't invest so much into every guy you date. Allow yourself to screen passively. This doesn't mean you can't be assertive when you want to be, it means learning not to make assertiveness your default position.

 

Experiment with relaxing and allowing a guy to demonstrate his level of interest in you. It's easier to do this if you're willing to meet more than one guy over coffee, and then decide which you'd like to date afterward.

 

You'll be less compelled to force a fit when you have other opportunities lined up.

 

If that's not your thing, that's okay--practice behaving 'as if' next guy is right on the horizon waiting for you to determine if this guy is worth putting him off for.

 

Some dates require no breakup. They fade away and you allow for that. This is much easier on your psyche and your energy than investing full force in every decent guy that makes less than half an effort.

 

Head high.

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Thanks, all It helps to read your kind words.

 

I think I looked out for my own best interests; I have the feeling this could have dragged out a bit longer had I not called him on his behavior.

 

When people say that the butterflies or spark is missing, what do you think that refers to? For me, if I'm attracted to a guy that quality really tends to hook me (even when there are issues with his character, actions, etc--I'm not saying this is a good thing). Did I just spend 2 months dating someone who wasn't attracted to me? Or can guys, having dated for a short time, be pretty attracted to a woman and still think something is missing?

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When people say that the butterflies or spark is missing, what do you think that refers to? Did I just spend 2 months dating someone who wasn't attracted to me? Or can guys, having dated for a short time, be pretty attracted to a woman and still think something is missing?

 

It means you spent 2 months dating someone who knows you were not wife material. Guys can put women in the "short term" category and the "long term" category. So can women. Wanting sex with someone is separate from being attracted mentally, physically, and emotionally.

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