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<> I don't miss my ex but


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I don't miss my ex (but I'm not over him yet). I see now that there were no good times when I was with him. I tried to find one good time, but honestly there isn't one. I thought I found one (laying on his chest gently stroking his face) :s but is that what classifies a good time? No. I can't look at something like that and say that was a good time when he used me the whole time. I'll list a few things that happened in the relationship:

 

- He kept me a secret the whole entire time. He never told his friends or family about me, never even mentioned me to them. We were together a year and a half. He told me when we first got together to not tell anyone because he "doesn't like publicity." Now I see why he said that. Because he didn't want anyone to know about me.

 

- Not only did he keep me and the relationship secret but I found out he had another girlfriend the whole time. That was the main reason why he didn't want anyone to know about us.

 

- He never took me anywhere. Never even on a first date. I thought because of his financial situation that was why (he was always broke). Thought his financial situation would get better and he could afford to take me out. Even when he had money, he never took me anywhere. NOWHERE.

 

- He used me since the beginning.

 

- The way he broke up with me was a big thing that hurt me. He stopped talking to me. When I begged him to just tell me it was over, he couldn't even do that. He just gave lame excuses like "I'm lost", instead of just being straight up.

 

I hate that bastard. I hope he gets what's coming to him. I hope karma is worst to him. He deserves that. I don't miss him but I am at a point that I am just hurt by how he treated me.

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Okay yes he is a b**tard and he will get his karma

 

but seriously? 18months of being a secret and you didnt suspect that he might have a gf? That shows extreme naivety and co-dependency on your part.

 

Yep. It might feel 'right' to blame him right now, but you may also find it helpful to examine the lesson you learned about establishing firmly for yourself what kind of treatment you're willing to accept--and what you are not.

 

You participated in this farce for 18 months. It never occurred to you that this wasn't wise?

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Try to take all this anger and channel it into loving yourself. Next time you meet someone use this experience to make better choices. I am not saying you need to be a gold digger but if a guy is capable of working but always broke, he is a loser. Obviously, some people have extenuating circumstances but you don't have to date them.

 

If you want to be successful in life, you have to look out for yourself. Don't put yourself in situations that you know you won't like. For example, if a guy tells you he needs to keep the relationship secret, that's a huge red flag and you should walk away before you fall in love with him. That's the whole point of not jumping into things with someone... You date to see if "hey, can I be with this person?"

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Of course I suspected something was not right. I did. I never said that I didn't. I just didn't want it to be true. I knew I was naive. When I first got into a relationship with him, I didn't know anything about relationships. I thought the situation itself would have changed because I didn't know that those things weren't normal. Him saying to keep it a secret, I didn't know that was something to see as a red flag. Relationships were new to me. I didn't know any better at the time. I didn't know what was acceptable as right or wrong. When you don't know and have never been in that kind of situation before, how was I supposed to know? I was oblivious to relationships. So....

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Of course I suspected something was not right. I did. I never said that I didn't. I just didn't want it to be true. I knew I was naive. When I first got into a relationship with him, I didn't know anything about relationships. I thought the situation itself would have changed because I didn't know that those things weren't normal. Him saying to keep it a secret, I didn't know that was something to see as a red flag. Relationships were new to me. I didn't know any better at the time. I didn't know what was acceptable as right or wrong. When you don't know and have never been in that kind of situation before, how was I supposed to know? I was oblivious to relationships. So....

 

Okay, so it took you 18 months to figure it out. Consider that your tuition instead of your victimhood.

 

Unless you see an advantage to claiming victimhood...

 

The only way to change our future is to recognize and own our own roles of the past. Saying "I didn't know any better," is valid with a one-time error. Saying "I never knew any better for 18 months" is something you can do if you want...but where does that get you?

 

If you're not willing to recognize your own reasons for sticking around someone who would hide you for 18 months, then how can you trust your own ability to recognize another con artist when you meet him?

 

Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely or insecure to resist picking up the snake to play with it.

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Duh I acknowledge the reason. A reason that you neither anyone on this site needs to know. All of that I have known for a while and it wasn't just recently. The breakup happened a few months. I evaluated everything. Just because I evaluated everything doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel the way I feel. I feel that way, so now what? I know the reason why I stayed. I don't need to voice it to you and yeah I stayed 18 months. Now what? I felt bad sure. The reason why I stayed still doesn't excuse what he did to me. So yes, I have a right to feel how I feel.

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Some of the points from your story resonate with me. I feel ashamed to have got to the age I have and with a history of 2 relationships to only now be able to look back and realise all the mistakes and wasted time with people. And the huge regret that comes with it.

 

I think I have learnt more in the last few months than I have the last 18 years, and I have massive work to do to get my head straight before I think about ever being with anyone. I'm so glad I found this forum, it really kick started my self discovery.

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I'm glad this has helped. As with you, I felt ashamed and embarrassed, still do. At least now, you can see what what went wrong and what wasn't right. Your age doesn't matter because people with little relationship experience don't necessarily know what is the exact right thing. Like with me, I only had one prior relationship to this recent previous one and that was when I was in high school. So I had nothing really to compare it/relationships to. The first relationship I had was typical teenage stuff, but I never gained anything really from that experience. This recent ex I had, was only the 2nd serious relationship I had. With nothing really to compare it to, I didn't expect the things that happened in that relationship to happen. In time everything will be better. People find love at all ages. Don't let critical mouths or words discourage you.

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Well, one of my relationships was a very long marriage so I thought I had learnt from that. Clearly not! I didn't realise that you could be in a relationship and have a normal life to the outside world but still not have the relationship skills not to understand what was appropriate. I left one set of bad things and because I did not encounter the bullying behaviour I had in my marriage I was ecstatic and ignored all the other red flags.

 

I think I just get really sad when I see others on here where I see the similarities. My last boyfriend was separated but he also wanted to keep the relationship a secret and this went on for nearly a year. At first I just thought we were being considerate of his children, but then it seemed I was kept a secret from everyone. The excuses I made to myself to understand him just make my mind boggle now. So as you can see I can really feel for your situation. Love is unfortuanately blind sometimes. But I was really pathetically needy and scared of being abandoned, but I have lots of friends and family and I hope you have too and am realising that I can live alone and actually I do like myself and hopefully with my growing confidence I won't be so vulnerable again. All the best to you!

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On the bright side you've learned a valuable lesson and the red flags you saw will help guide you in future relationships. I agree that taking responsibility for your part in it is important. I was extremely naive in my situation with my ex and that was "mine" to carry/learn from. It doesn't mean you're not entitled to your feelings...in fact taking ownership of the things that left us in the situation for so long is empowering and makes us feel like we are in control of our own life.

Focus on the positives...you're way less likely to be in a similar situation with all that you're learning from this.

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