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Intellectual soulmate


eremita

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I'm in a situation and could use some words to help me sort out my head.

 

I'm in a long term relationship with a great guy - he's the complete opposite of me in many ways. I'm an introvert, a big thinker, an over achiever, an intellectual.

 

I work in a demanding profession with someone who is at least 20 years my senior. He is a specialist in our field and I'm in total awe of the depth and breadth of his knowledge.

 

I've discovered that we are of one mind. I've never, in my entire 30+ years, felt such a strong connection with anyone. I can count the number of people I truly feel...I guess, alive with, on one hand. I have very few friends. Sometimes he'll say something and it leaves me speechless, because it's not a usual thing that you would hear people saying, and it's something I've thought or felt on many occasions. I know it's not just me, because he recently, of his own accord and without any encouragement on my part, acknowledged that we are like the same person. It's eerie.

 

Certain things he's done lately have led me to believe he's attracted to me. I'm also attracted to him on many levels. Recently, I brought up my long term partner, and he's been kind of distant since.

 

I feel a bit destroyed on the inside. I never believed in the idea of a "soul mate" until I met him. The thought of him not wanting to work with me or talk to me anymore makes me feel like I can't breathe.

 

Advice? I wasn't really sure where this thread belonged but I thought I'd start here.

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He's a great guy - we've been together for 13 years, I think it is. He's my family. We aren't married. Like I mentioned, though, we are quite different. He's social and outgoing, confident. I know he adores me even though we get on each other's nerves sometimes.

 

My soulmate guy isn't married and has kids. If I were single, I'd say yes. I enjoy his company but don't know how physically attracted I am to him.

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I wouldn't exactly call him your 'soul mate'. YOu've just come to run into someone very much like you.

 

You could also be 'reaching out' because your other half is a distance from you- so you're 'lacking' in things w/him?

 

I think YOU need to get a grip on this.

1) You ARE involved

2) This is you workplace

3) he has now shown distance and that is for the best.

 

YOU need to try not to get caught up on someone this way. Look up to him in ways like a big brother,, uncle or something BUT nothing in ways of a future or any more.

 

BE careful in this line.... you do NOT want/need this. YOU need to keep working on what you've already got. Your bf.

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Ok I think something is lacking in your relationship to make you interested in this guy. Your thinking the grass is greener but its probably not.

 

your with your partner 13 years and that is worth fighting for and saving! I think you need to forget about this other guy and work on fixing your relationship

 

this is how affairs start and you need to stop it now.

 

I encourage you to look up the signs of a healthy relationship, the five different types of cheaters by robert weiss, emotional affairs, thinking the grass is greener, how to save a marriage and anything else you can think of. Research in detail and start remembering WHY you love your man, why you have lasted so long..

 

Also look for ways to bring back the romance, spark and sex now. When was the last time you had a bath together, a romantic trip, tried a new position, romantic meal? Etc

 

ask your partner to look for your gspot and to try and give you a gspot orgasm. It could take time, patience and practice-even 6 months but you need to focus on each other now and not your new crush. Forget him!

 

Why are you not married or engaged after 13 years???

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The idea of a soul mate is one pushed pretty much by Hollywood and entities trying to sell you crap, there is no "soul" "mate" as if you were somehow incomplete unless only one person in the whole universe could complete you. Hogwash, you were complete the day you were born. Other people can enhance your life, they can bring you joy, but they don't have a "piece" that you're missing until they "give" it to you. And as an intellectual you should be able to see how ridiculous that sounds. And frankly lazy, as if you didn't have to do any work and it was just magically there...

 

As to the guy you're attracted to, well yes intellectually he sounds great. You admire him and you have what is an obvious mentor/admirer type crush on the guy. You probably not only admire his work and intellect, you want to be all that for yourself. So yeah, there's going to be attraction to that. Alot of people have that. But you have to understand that that sort of admiration or attraction doesn't necessarily translate well into real-life relationship material. You know nothing about the guy in his day-to-day life, what habits he may or may not have, where he eats, what things he likes, how he treats people on a daily basis etc. And you're also in a long-term relationship, one that sounds like it either needs reviving or letting go.

 

My advice would be to acknowledge that the intellectual crush is just that, a crush. One that may not translate well into the real world and while it offers you a sense of escape or distraction from your current relationship that's really not the way to handle things. Focus on your current relationship and what you are going to do about it first, a new relationship doesn't and shouldn't come about until after that. Continue to admire the other guy from afar and be free and clear relationship-wise for a while before you even begin to take the steps to see if there's something more there with intellect guy. If he even feels the same for you, because the simple fact is he may not.

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If you intend to stay loyal to your partner, then it's okay that you've put the brakes on Mr. Wonderful viewing you as romance material. If your intellectual relationship is as good as you suspect, he'll get over it and your sparkly work relationship will resume at some point. Be patient.

 

If you're on the fence about your partner, then that's where you need to focus right now without Mr. Wonderful being prominent in your picture.

 

So either way you slice this, all is well. You raised your partner on purpose, whether that was completely conscious or not, and your highest intelligence knows that that was the right thing to do.

 

It will all work out as long as you stop pretending that you don't have any control over outcomes. If you keep that up, you'll continue to take yourself by surprise with your own behavior.

 

Maybe it's time to be fully awake and take stock of your intentions.

 

What are those?

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Geezuzz here it goes again...another delusion about someone being their soulmate and that somehow this fantasy attraction overcomes all reasoning, loyalty, morality and integrity and that a rational thinking human being is once again reduced to a mere beast in heat, with absolutely no control over their carnal cravings.

 

Or you can take a good look at yourself and realize that you are willing and would choose to betray your boyfriend and that loyalty and integrity is not as important to you as a fling with this "soul mate".

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I do believe in soul mates and I don't have a problem with age gaps.

 

I'm not so sure this guys is yours, though. Are you sure you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship and admiration?

 

You can have someone who turns you on intellectually, that you value, respect and admire. That doesn't necessarily mean that you should be a couple, or would be good as a couple. If you have to question being physically attracted to him or not, that says a lot.

 

It sounds right now like you are more in love with the idea of him than you are in love with him. You mentioned he has kids. Ask yourself honestly if that is something you feel like you could take on wholeheartedly. Being a step-parent is not for the feint of heart. I'm sure this man has bad qualities as well. You seem to be infatuated with him right now and seeing him through rose-colored glasses. Take a step back and assess this situation carefully. There's kids involved here, tread lightly.

 

If you really think you'd pursue this, break up with your bf first. But, honestly, right now this sounds like more of a fantasy than a reality. Be careful about shattering your own reality for something that may not be real.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Yes definitely best to not proceed with the co-worker- leave that alone. Stay with your current relationship. Its OK to be friends/converse about things you can't or don't do with your partner, but leave it at that. I am friends with a guy who is 100% perfect for me intellectually, he's 20yrs older though. But he's the reason why I think, there are soul mates. But it wouldn't work between us for more than one reason and I didn't go there ( and he didn't- though it was pretty clear he loved me), we are still awesome friends and I have yet to meet anyone who comes close to the relationship we had/have.

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