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No contact or other option?


funkybanana87

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Hello

 

I am looking for some advice with a rather different situation I've not faced before and not sure what would be best route to take.

 

I am a guy in my 20s and I became really good friends with a woman in her 30s from work, 10 years difference. We became really good friends talking everyday and meeting up to chat and spend time together. To start with the age was an issue for her and she was worried that I may just want to go out drinking all the time and not want to settle down. We stayed friends and she started to see I was mature for my age and wasn't going out a lot and wanted to settle down. I then left to work somewhere else and until this point nothing had happened but we were getting closer in our conversations. One night I was her sober driver picking her up from a bar to take her home and she ended up kissing me lots and asked me to stay over. I didn't allow anything to happen as I didn't want to ruin the friendship or let alcohol play a part. I stayed over and the next day she said she didn't regret anything and was glad I stayed to cuddle over night. We continued to meet and spend time together for another month with me staying over and I felt like we were becoming closer, we shared lots in common and got on really well, all her family and friends approved and liked me as with mine with her. She would tell me she "missed me" every time I left to go home. We continued to see each other and talk everyday then recently she had to go away for a work cultural experience trip and on returning said she'd had time to reflect on things whilst away and needed time to think so I gave her a little space then we met up and she told me that in the pit of her stomach / instincts was telling her "no" or "not right now". She said it wasn't about age or anything but she's not followed her instincts before and it ended badly. After this I decided to give her space and follow the no contact rule, a few days later she made contact and we talked briefly (she noticed I had a new online picture and said I was handsome) but I didn't want to talk too much. Since then we haven't spoken for 5 days.

 

I guess I am doing the no contact because I want her to have space, for me to heal and perhaps she may even see that she misses me. The problem is the fact she said "no" or "not now" makes me believe she is still unsure and also that it is just her "instincts" I just wonder that maybe she needs confidence or support rather than no contact as she could be worried about commitment and by not talking I'm making it worse as she feels I've moved on. I do feel that as she is older and wants to settle down that this could be it for her, chance to have kids and get married and if she has another failed relationship it might be too much.

 

Well thanks for the advice guys, appreciate it

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If she says not now? She means that. No, you do not try to help her with anything like confidence or support.

She's a mature woman now and she can build up her own 'confidence' without a man to help with that, i'd hope.

 

She was smart to speak up and admit this to you. This way SHE can back up and think on things again, more clearly.

If one isn't sure about what they've done and say so. They mean it and need to take some time off- for themselves.

 

If she is wanting to deal with you or talk- she knows your number. Whatever you do, don't harass her. Respect her wishes.

 

We ALL need to have our own self confidence, stability and comforts in life, without feeling we 'need' someone to fill that whole and 'make us better'.

 

Do as you are, by giving her that respect & space now. Obviously she needs that.

 

tc

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This is not an unusual or "different" situation. You guys have gotten closer and now she feels that it is inappropriate to have a relationship with you or has enjoyed having a guy around but doesn't want the relationship you clearly want. I honestly would move on and not contact her. Things crossed the line from friendship to more without it being discussed. She might feel she is using you as a cuddle buddy. Even if you want to 'settle down" she might not want to.

 

I know she said age didn't play a part - but the place in life you both are at probably does. And part of it might have been familiarity - you were "safe" as a coworker she couldn't get involved with

 

If she contacts you again, I would not run back to her. And you might not hear from her.

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I just wonder that maybe she needs confidence or support rather than no contact as she could be worried about commitment and by not talking I'm making it worse as she feels I've moved on.

 

No, that's the stuff people tell themselves to rationalize trying to step in and sell someone an agenda.

 

Don't do that. You're too smart--and so is she.

 

You've handled things beautifully to this point, and you'll thank yourself later for staying your course. Think about it--if she comes back to you, you can enjoy the comfort of knowing it was her decision without manipulation from you.

 

If you start playing games with your own head, you're not in any shape to 'help' her. This is something a grown woman needs no help with, anyway--and if she does, that's what people hire therapists for.

 

Head high, you're doing better than you feel right now.

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Thanks for the advice of far guys, really appreciate it

 

Just to add, she keeps liking my Facebook statuses and like I said before my new pictures, what do you make of that?

 

Nothing. I'd tell myself that it's pretty mindless to click those buttons. I'd ignore any FB nonsense, and I'd tell myself she's not allowed to keep reminding me of her--she can't have it both ways. I'd block my feeds from her.

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I'm guessing this is a common thought / mistake but does the no contact rule still apply as we weren't full blown going out, it was just a friendship that evolved. Will she not think I'm ignoring her as a friend? She did say during the initial chat (when she said instincts/pit of stomach saying no or not now) that I would probably hate her after and not talk to her....

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OK something happened today, I was a bit fed up at work (not related to anything on here with the relationship/dating stuff) and just put on Facebook "Need a distraction" and my friends posted random stuff then she emailed me at work saying "Hey, how are you? Thought I'd distract you" then we just started taking about random stuff like Game of Thrones, nothing relationship/dating related but it was kinda cool like with any of my other friends and I didn't feel any large emotions or upset, I dunno maybe we can be friends again but to note, she contacted me.

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I would not engage in contact with her. You clearly desire her. Any contact with her should be her telling you that she made a decision and she wants a relationship with you or nothing. It is just too hard for you to look at her contact as little shreds of hope. Also, you are taking her contact and trying to fit her in any way you can - trying to be friends if she doesn't want a relationship. I highly recommend for now that you hide your status updates from her. I would even unfriend her. if she needs time to think - then leave her alone. The only contact you should accept is her saying she wants you back.

 

You are trying to rationalize it that you should keep contact because it is not a full blown relationship. If there is attraction, feelings and rejection, then it qualifies enough for NC.

 

After all - put yourself in someone else's shoes. If you met a woman who still talked to a guy who flitted in and out of he life that she used to get cozy with - would you like it?

 

Please NC. Get your head together. You have to get to the point of not desiring her or holding out hope before any possible friendship can happen - at all.

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