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I want to be strong.


sherri

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I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Desperation probably as I'm about to fall to bits and get into another panic.

 

I should be the happiest I've been. I'm at uni- which I love- I'm acting again- my passion. I love my part time job teaching acting and I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter who us awesome.

 

But I'm a mess. Last night I sliced all my arm open. It looks a state and I'm disgusted with myself. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning to do a tech n dress rehearsal for my Christmas show. On the outside I'm bubbly fun outgoing 'crazy', outspoken confident. But inside I'm fighting a war with myself.

 

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. Which is great but I'm not really sure what to do with that information. I don't want it to define me or confine me.

 

The main trigger for my depression is my relationship with my boyfriend.

I'm about to have a breakdown again. I rang him 3 hours ago saying I was scared to be alone and he said 'Are you home' (in a text). Now his phone is off and I don't know where he is and I feel sick.

So many bad things have happened between us and it's destroyed my soul.

I've tired breaking up with him but after 3 weeks without him I wanted to die and I can't help it.

I don#t know how to make it work between us.

 

I feel so alone and feel like dying but I don't want to hurt my daughter.

I don't want her to be without a mum.

 

I just want to be looked after right now. I feel so scared. I feel overwhelmed by the strength of my emotions.

 

I don't know what I'm asking for.

I'm just writing to calm myself I guess x

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First things first.... try to calm down a bit. Deep breathes.... I find this helps me a lot, with my anxiety.

 

You are in a troubled position and your mind is so confused.. upset etc. So much is going on for you right now, you feel like you're going to blow.. right?

 

So many emotions going on, it's giving you heartache. It's the feeling of 'loss'. YOu want to give up & walk away.

If you are looking to do this, you have that right. If you're not happy with your relationship, you can walk away. Especially if HE is bringing you down & so 'low'.

 

If you're dealing with some heavy 'mental' battles, you should really be seeking some therapy by professionals at this time. YOu're feeling bothered by a lot and so lost in these many battles.

 

It sounds like you're enjoying your job & your child..BUT other things are getting to you? Then, you should be looking at that, as something to change in your life. But don't look at 'ending your life', as a way to deal with this.

 

I also deal with Depression, ptsd, anxiety etc. I am seeing a therapist and I'm on anti depressents. I understand much of how you're feeling.

We can learn of ways to cope with these challenges. So what you should do, is search for some ways to work on managing it.

 

How about YOU settle down some, go take a nice bath, relax the brain for today and start 'thinking' more, tomorrow?

Look at what you can do to 'change' what is affecting you so much.

 

IF you are wanting out of your relationship- then you should be able to do so and NOT let anything he says your way, change your mind.

 

This is your life. There's a lot more out there for us.. than one negative.

 

What I suggest you do though is first deal with your issues at hand (mental etc) and the BU, before you think on moving on again to a new relationship. I think that is the last thing you need .. at this time.

 

tc

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Thank-you very much.

It has helped just that someone has replied.

And I know you are right.

It's not all of my life. It's just the pain seems too hard to deal with sometimes.

 

You should know that your reply means a lot thank-you x

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hi sherri , sorry you are feeling so bad , big hugs to you xx

 

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. Which is great but I'm not really sure what to do with that information. I don't want it to define me or confine me.

 

I have bipolar as well , diagnosed 2 years ago , and it was the best thing that happened to me , not because I wanted a label or an excuse , but because I needed an answer . Once I had that answer I used it to help myself learn and that is what you need to do .

 

knowledge is power , you now have the knowledge and you need to gain the inner strength and power to adapt your life to living with bipolar . To recognise triggers , to cope with each swing of mood , to accept as you go into each bipolar cycle you will come out of it .

 

read everything you can ..join forums ..talk to others , grab this bipolar by its nuts and learn to live with it .

 

You must never rely on anyone to keep you company or help you through ...never .. you are a mummy and you have to pull yourself together at all times .. as well as you can ..I have dragged myself to the ironing board , to the cooker , to do the shopping etc etc you have to keep telling yourself you can do this , you can do this for your little girl ...we are mums with bipolar and it can be hard .....but if you ever rely on anyone else you will hit rock bottom even quicker when/if that support goes .

 

Do you have mental health workers , can you call the samaritans ?

 

you are clearly having a low my darling and I know what a dirty pit of darkness you are in , it will PASS , I PROMISE YOU IT WILL PASS . keep saying this over and over ...

 

the suicidal thoughts and self harming are a part of bipolar and I know the terrible place you are in .

 

are you on meds ?

 

sherri you are not alone ... xxxxxxxxx

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Hello Sherri,

Writing here is always a good idea. One helpful thing I've figured out to manage my anxiety is to say nice things to myself. A lot. All day--as a matter of fact, even when I'm doing fine. It's a habit I want to ingrain.

 

Some examples of things I say:

 

"I've decided to be strong today."

 

"I'm going to have a good day today, no matter what."

 

"I love you, Cat."

 

"I'm a good person."

 

"I can help someone else feel better today."

 

"I love my family."

 

"I'm grateful for my job."

 

"I am kind."

 

"I'm proud of myself today."

 

"I can do this."

 

Sometimes just saying, "I can do this" makes me feel strong, even if it's just tying my shoes.

 

I hope you'll write more, and I'm glad you're here.

 

My best,

Cat

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