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girlfriend has boundary issues


ItRainsItPours

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Hey guys, long time lurker and first time member! Anyway I feel like my girlfriend has boundary issues. We are both in our early 20s if that matters. I have a lot of female friends, one that I used to date. Early on in our relationship my girlfriend made it known that she was uncomfortable with this. I said that I understood and while I wasn't ready to end a friendship I took a huge step back. I no longer meet this friend for coffee or go out of my way to see her, we only see each other at social gatherings when invited by mutual friends and my girlfriend is always there. I'd actually taken a big step back from all my female friends to make my girlfriend more comfortable.

 

Anyway randomly one day my girlfriend tells me she used to be FWB with one of her friends. I'm like okay.... That I don't care about. Obviously we both are not virgins. But she hangs out with this guy relatively frequently and I'm never there. It's just annoying because I made some lifestyle changes to accommodate my girlfriends feelings and I feel like she hasnt done the same. And I also hardly know this guy at all. Atleast with my friend in question both herself and her boyfriend have tried to befriend my girlfriend, they invite us to dinner etc.

 

And a few weeks before she told me this he "stopped by her house on the way home for work". It was really late and she was having drinks with a girlfriend who had left right before. I don't think my girlfriend was cheating on me but I definitely think it's inappropriate which is what I told her. She agreed and said she just wasnt thinking.... and that's when I thought they'd only ever been friends.

 

The thing is I know she would have flipped out on me if I said so and so stopped by on her way home from work. She'd have a meltdown. I know it sounds like my girlfriend is scandalous, I really dont think she is. I think she is just a little haphazard sometimes. But how do I confront her about this without looking like a controlling d*uche? thankyou

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You tell her calmly and directly that you have gone out of your way to institute proper boundaries with your female friends out of respect for her and your relationship and that you expect the same exact thing from her. That's it.

 

Sometimes I'm wary of people who scream foul very loudly. Leaves me wondering if they simply fear of you doing to them, what they are doing to you. Anyway, if you are comfortable that's not the case, that's fine. Just be calm, straight and direct and ask for better boundaries similar to what you are following and living up to. If she is not agreeable or in any way flips out or pitches an attitude about it, then what I said above might have to be considered more seriously. If all is on the up and up, she really should have no problems with it, same as you didn't. It's really about mutual respect for each other and not doing things that don't look right. You aren't asking her to stop having male friends, you are only asking for more respectful boundaries.

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Not so much boundary issues, but double standards.

 

Let her know that you're cool with her still being friends with her ex FWB, that you understand that people have a past and it doesn't just go away, and you can be fond of someone with no further consequences. You're sound pretty confident that she wasn't cheating, but it seems - understandably - that you're more annoyed about her calmly coming out with something which she'd have been ballistic about if the roles had been reversed.

 

While being in a heterosexual relationship obviously means you're less available to the opposite sex than you would be if you were single, it's a pity you've cut so many people out of your life.

 

Maybe it's time to remedy that. It's not good if a relationship starts to make you less of a person than you were before.

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I have cut a lot of friends out. We're still on good terms (sort of) but not as close as we had been before, and I've known these people for years. My girlfriend kept saying "I'm just not used to dating a guy who is just friends with a bunch of hot girls." I don't think its strange, I have male friends too. I had three older sisters growing up so I'm comfortable around women I suppose.

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Thank you for the quick reply. Could you explain this quoted part?

 

For example, someone who cheats can be very paranoid about being cheated on themselves. They have no problem doing it, but they have a big problem with someone doing it to them. So they be quite aggressive and go on the attack - don't talk to so and so, don't meet with such and such. Basically they'll be accusing you of cheating and impropriety and constantly keep you on the defensive. When you are on the defensive all the time, it can leave you quite blind to their behavior. Kind of hard to accuse them of cheating when you are defending yourself against such accusations and trying to pacify them all the time. So it really serves two purposes for them. One is keeps you in check and two keeps you blind to what they are doing.

 

Like I said, I'm not implying that your gf is actually engaging in above behavior. You know her and the overall situation better than anyone here. It's more likely that she really isn't thinking how it looks to you, because to her, she is not doing anything, so nothing to worry about. So a calm direct conversation asking for equal boundaries is definitely warranted and would not make you look like some jealous control freak at all. It's a reasonable request.

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I have cut a lot of friends out. We're still on good terms (sort of) but not as close as we had been before, and I've known these people for years. My girlfriend kept saying "I'm just not used to dating a guy who is just friends with a bunch of hot girls." I don't think its strange, I have male friends too. I had three older sisters growing up so I'm comfortable around women I suppose.

 

Having a lot of female friends and feeling comfortable about women is part of what makes you the person you are. Part of what makes you attractive to her, too. I'm not suggesting you go flouncing off in a huff and see other girls just to spite her, but more gently resurrect friendships which were important to you. If she's just not used to dating a guy who has female friends, perhaps now's the time to start. Let her know that a guy who doesn't like women is ultimately not going to like HER, either.

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That makes a lot of sense nutbrown, that's how her and I started dating. We became quick friends after meeting and a few months later it just turned into a relationship. I can understand her wanting me to still keep a little distance from my friend that I used to date, which I will, but I think I'm going to try and reconnect with the others. I don't use the friend lightly, these are time tested loyal people who are dear to me.

 

And I see what you are saying now Dancing. And yes I don't think my girlfriend would ever cheat on me, physically or emotionally. She's a a great person and treats me better than any other girlfriend by a long shot, and I know that I am special to her. I think you are right about her just not realizing how certain things come off.

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I can understand both of your points here. In a way, yes, both could accept & respect each other in this sense.

BUT- in the end.. i also understand we should never rid of our 'friends' to please a partner.

So, either you can bring this up to her... or just be friends with your ex's as you were..?

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As the others have said here, you tell her that the standards regarding opposite sex friends for both of you are equal. Calmly point out what you did when she brought it up to you about your female friends and tell her you expect exactly the same of her regarding her male friends. If it won't be like that or she won't change then tell her that you will also change your earlier agreements with your female friends, since the relationship needs to be fair and equal to both of you. Not just one.

 

Never accept a double standared from anyone. That way lies madness so to speak or at least a relationship squarely on the rocks of not over.

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