Jump to content

Is it possible for us to have a future together?


SophisticatedF

Recommended Posts

Hi!

I just registered. Hope I can get some help here.

 

To tell you shortly about my background story; I am a girl in my 20s who have been in relationships

constantly for the past 6-7 years practically. I have always been jumping from relationship to relationship

even though all of them lasted for a year or more. I never had a lot of friends, but always a boyfriend to

fall back on and I've got very severe trust issues and abandonment issues due to things that happened to

me in my childhood (silly excuse, right? But you would understand if you knew the details).

 

About a year ago I started to date this fantastic, good looking, nice guy. He was a lot like me in many ways,

same interests and thoughts on different matters, finished each others sentences... You know all the sweet

feelings in the beginning. We have had a long distance relationship though and sometimes it has been very

hard on the both of us but we were always sure it was worth it if we could live together in the future. However,

whenever we are together it's very intense; spending 24 hours a day together, getting on each others nerves

after a while. When we're apart, we have obviously been apart, sometimes for longer than a month. But we

did always agree it was worth it.

 

However the other week he decided to break up with me. I have a very harsh way about handling my jealousy,

trust issues, I'm hot headed, short fuse and all of that due to low self esteem. I have had eating disorders for years,

family issues that goes back several years and issues with friends who bullied me. I know I am the problem between

us two. Even though he doesn't always handle the fights very well either and broke up several times not meaning it

before, I'm always the one who ignites the fire pretty much. He, and I now, came to the conclusion that things need

to change in my behavior if we can ever be together again. He said that maybe in a couple of months we can start

talking about us as a couple in a more objective way and see if we agree we still fit together. Obviously I am not talking

about 2 months because I need a lot of professional therapy and personal insight to be able to be with him and not

ruin things again. I'm talking more like 4-5-6 months apart. We have managed around the month easily before, so I

doubt mine or his feelings will fade away because of this. We simply just need time apart. For him; to do things he likes,

hang out with friends, play video games, finish his education and so on and for me; trying to do the same while sorting

out my problems; already started by realizing I actually have them.

 

This sounds like something that could have a possible future if we both fight for it and we really are meant to be, right?

The only thing is that he says he wants me to let go of all the things that remind me of him and date whoever I want,

and if when the time comes he wants to try again and I'm not interested, it's his loss (his words). What would you guys

say to me to do? No matter what happens, even if he would try take me back tomorrow already, I will need this break or

break up to sort my things out. I just wish he could tell me what it all means so that we are on the same page, you know,

so that I don't go and hope for something that he never even wanted to try. He said to me that he loves me for so many

reasons and that I need to start trusting that; that he doesn't want anyone else but me and that I should trust him.

 

Do you think our relationship has a future? Before you go all "Let it go, a break is always a break up" I want you to know

that I feel very certain we are meant to be together but that we just met each other in the wrong time of life. I want to

believe the wounds are possible to heal. Note that he lives very far away in a different country so coming knocking on his

door or other way around isn't a possibility. If it's a break it will be for real and under same conditions, texting or not, calling

sometimes or not. Whatever we decide. He did really save me with this though because when we were together I was

too blinded by our love and the good times to realize we had a true problem.

 

Thank you in advance from a heartbroken, confused young woman who loves this guy to death.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing is that he says he wants me to let go of all the things that remind me of him and date whoever I want,

and if when the time comes he wants to try again and I'm not interested, it's his loss (his words).

 

This sounds like a solid break up to me and that you are totally in denial. He has pretty much told you point blank to move on with your life.

 

However, whenever we are together it's very intense; spending 24 hours a day together, getting on each others nerves after a while.

 

And this doesn't sound like there is a good future. The getting on each others nerves in person is not something that should be happening when you really aren't spending that much time together in the grand scheme of things. It should be more like total honeymoon than problems. You got attached to communication and the distance is just keeping real problems and differences out of sight....at least until you see each other.... To be honest, this sounds a lot like if you two were not long distance, this would have died quickly. The distance kept it alive and you getting too attached to what's not quite real far too long while being able to ignore what would become major in person issues. A lot of the positives of this relationship are sadly just in your head.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like a solid break up to me and that you are totally in denial. He has pretty much told you point blank to move on with your life.

 

My post sounds a bit contradicting now when I read it afterwards. However, it was his idea that we could perhaps be together in the future, not mine, but that he needs me to move on with my personal stuff for now. And I will. And even if he comes back running tomorrow to me, like he has before, however hard it is I'm going to have to tell him he actually made me realize I need this. I can't be arsed to get hurt or hurt him again. Or hurt myself. So time for me-time and I just cleaned all his stuff away. Trying to move on, slow and steady.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All this future talk is really just crap. He dumped you, but is leaving a safety net in place just in case life doesn't turn out well. Don't hold your breath for that. It's also a common thing to do for the dumper - a little string-a-long action to help them move on from you while feeling really really safe.

 

Honestly, once you put in the work into you, like you are planning to, I very much doubt that you will want him back. You'll move on to bigger and better things. It's just tough right now, but that's temporary.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just wonder why a "dumper" would want the person to feel really really safe? Can't that in some cases just lead to the other person being all clingy or trying to Facebook them all the time etc? I don't have Facebook luckily, but I'm sooo close to calling him all the time because of what he said. Couldn't he just have said "It's over, FOREVER", delete me off Skype and all things...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's the dumper who wants to feel safe. It's all about them, not you. Basically even the dumper will have doubts about maybe they shouldn't have done it or maybe whoever they wanted to date dumps them, so it's nice to have that thought in the back of their mind that they can always fall back on you or call you up. For you, it's torture and prevents you from moving on. That's why you have to say on your own "It's over and I'm done." and then focus on yourself and what you want to accomplish. People can only string you if you let them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess you are right. It's just hard to hear it. Future is future and today is today. Thanks for wise words in a time of need. I had another relationship where we decided to take a break in the past, and already after a week I felt like I didn't even want him back. Funny how in these times you never learn from your mistakes and even if you know things are going to be better it's so hard to believe it yourself...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well they definitely get better. I know how hard it is to believe it. Just focus on your goals, on working out some of your problems and doing what you want to do. Take it seriously and do it and I think you really will be surprised how quickly he turns into a distant memory because your focus is somewhere else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds as though you've got some very deep-seated issues which really need to be addressed if you're going to have a stable relationship with anyone. I've got a lot of sympathy with the jumping from one relationship to another, and always having a boyfriend to fall back on, because that's how I lived my life until my early twenties.

 

Rather than looking at the long term prospects of a relationship which has already been ended by the other person, focus on healing the damage which has been done to you by your traumatic past. Therapy may be an option; developing your spirituality may be another - you know what you're capable of taking on board right now. But until you can stay calm, serene and contended within yourself, outside of a relationship, you don't stand a chance of being happy within one. If you don't trust yourself, and feel confident within yourself, it's impossible to trust anyone else. You need to face those abandonment issues and understand that they belong in your past. This is just an educated guess, but I'm guessing that you also have an inner feeling of emptiness which you seek to fill by the drama of a turbulent relationship.

 

I'd forget a future with this guy. The future relationship with yourself is a lot more important.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The only thing is that he says he wants me to let go of all the things that remind me of him and date whoever I want, and if when the time comes he wants to try again and I'm not interested, it's his loss (his words).

 

He's advising you to do this so he can go ahead and do same without feeling guilty about keeping you on the hook.

 

He's already pegged the relationship as not viable, as you have, and saying 'so long, we'll try again later' rather than 'goodbye' is just easier for some people. It's called a 'soft landing'.

 

I think you're smart for identifying some of the issues that have kept you leapfrogging from one relationship to the next--I did that, too when I was younger. You sound ready to attempt to learn the solidity and self esteem that comes from going solo for long enough to appreciate it. This will position you to romanticize less and forgive your own shortcomings--which will set you up for something REAL and with the right person someday.

 

Head high, you're on the right track. I know it doesn't feel great right now, but you already know that you're opening new doors for yourself and your future.

 

Head high, you can do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...