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Dating advice : Taking things slow or just not interested?


ladybird

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So I have been hanging out with this man since August. He's taken me out on nice dates. I didn't see him for almost 2 months because he was working out of town. I thought he had kinda faded out even though he was staying in touch a bit here and there. Then he asked me out to see xmas lights at a zoo to meet his sister, who was visiting from out of town and one of his close friends. We had a good time. I enjoyed meeting them and they seemed to like me too. After the zoo we all went out for a drink and some food. He treated me very respectfully and gentlemanly, but wasn't very affectionate. He's been pretty reserved and gentlemanly the whole time I have been getting to know him, but I can't tell if he's not interested in me or if he just like to take things super slow. Any thoughts on the matter? It felt weird to just hug goodbye when he dropped me off. We talked about maybe hanging out the next weekend to get xmas trees, but he also mentioned he might decide to go skiing instead. Is it just my insecurity that he may not be interested in me even though we are hanging out or do you think that it sounds like he's not really into me? Oh other info...he told me when we first started to get to know each other that he would need to take things very slow because he had a divorce 2 years ago and that when he commits he really commits. I think he's a great guy, but I don't want to be just strung along thinking he might be just taking things slow, when in fact he's not really interested. Any thoughts? Any advice? Thank you!

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He has. We were very physical after a few dates in the beginning but then we both agreed we rushed into things cause we didn't know each other well enough to be exclusive and we agreed to cut out the physical intimacy till we got to know each other better. I didn't want just casual and he said he didn't see me as just casual but needed to take things slow. He has said to me before that he sees potential between us. I am still interested in him and not closing doors on others. However I was just shocked he wanted me to meet any of his family when things seem to be so slow as is.

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Keeping options open is something I am def still doing till I feel there is a firm commitment, and with him I don't feel that yet. Just confused cause I am used to more physical affection if someone is interested in you. Makes me confused as to why he would introduce me to his sister or close friends, when we ourselves are not hanging out a ton. He seems very private with his life too, like it would take him a while to let anyone in.

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In my opinion, when someone knows there's chemistry (since you had been physical after a few dates) and has been dating you for months (ok, minus the 2 months he was working out of town although, I imagine, he could have met you at some point during those 2 months if he really wanted to) and still doesn't ask you to be exclusive, it doesn't matter if he wants you to meet family members...he's not that into you. You can continue seeing him if you want but I wouldn't keep my hopes up for this one.

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I would ask him and I have in the past in a similar situation. I never got a definite answer. Just 'I want to take it slow'..blah blah. Well, there's slow and there's tortoise slow! I had told a guy 'ah, ok, I imagine by the time I'm 70, you'll have decided if you want to be exclusive'..lol

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Nice response I could ask him, but what good would that do? If he's not that interested now, asking him why would only make him even more not interested or cause him to be defensive. Unless on the off chance he's really just taking things super slow. Even then I am starting to wonder why I even am that interested in him. I want someone that is affectionate with me and doesn't kinda string me along. Honestly if he's not interested, then I wish he hadn't of asked me out again after 2 months. Just don't see the point. Then again I am a pretty upfront and direct person.

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Don't read too much into him introducing you to family members, nowadays is doesn't mean what it used to mean (commitment and being serious about someone). I've been introduced to many of my exes' sisters, parents, etc, but none of these men was committed to me, or intended to be with me for the long run. Today being introduced to a guy's family means nothing to me.

 

Maybe your guy was pressured by his family to move on from the divorce and start dating again, which he is reluctantly doing, and he wanted to "shut them up" so he showed you to them, to prove he was indeed moving on. Who knows what his motivation was? Fact is that he doesn't seem all that interested right now, but as long as you keep dating around too and don't put all your eggs in one basket (him), that's okay. Keep hanging out with him too, if you want, just don't sleep with him again. If he asks for sex, you can easily say that you'd rather take that very slowly as well, and you'd prefer to wait until you are in an exclusive relationship.

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Sounds like he's not affectionate because he's attempting to reverse the sexual climate that you both agreed was premature. It also sounds like he sees enough potential in you to not write you off as disposable casual sex.

 

If you enjoy your time with him, I'd keep seeing him. It just sounds as though you're more invested than he's ready to be--and you'll need to decide whether his snail pace is too painful for you.

 

I can appreciate that it's startling these days, but some people learn from the pain of their divorce that getting to know someone on a human level before jumping into romance requires a certain balance that most people aren't comfortable with.

 

You know your Self. Follow your own gut.

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