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The Strength of Love versus Strong Rifts


Js_Sol

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quick history: 30 Y/O Male, been in 4 year relationship in past, other shorter ones, pretty normal stuff

 

My question: I am almost 3 years in with my Fiance. The love we have for each is the strongest I've ever felt. We can barely stand being away from each other. We love each other passionately. At the same time, we have INSANE differences. She's a total "bible thumper" Christian (tell it on the mountain style) and I am a complete Atheist (militant style). She wants kids, I do not. She is crazy energetic, wanting to stay up late on, party, loves football and club music. I want to go to bed early, I hate sports, love video games, and being around other people.

 

Some of these things are normal, but we are as different as different can be. We have nothing in common BUT the love we have. I don't understand how it works but the bigger issue is I don't know if we should face the inevitable odds that we will not work out. We are getting older each day, when is it best to just "bow out".

 

We fight more and more about our differences, but we also seem to love each other deeper each day. Have you ever been in this situation? Any advice?

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^Very true. If she wants a child, and you absolutely do not that is a pretty big rift. Not saying you have to have one right now, but just the thought that a guy would say he never wants to have a child tells me that he is not invested in me or the relationship. That sounds a bit nuts..but it seems like isn't that the natural progression of things? Get married, have kid(s)?

 

As for the other things, its about finding a happy medium and making some sacrifices. Coming up with some mutually enjoyable activities for you both would be handy. You can be super corny and write them on popsicle sticks and have them in a jar. I know how frustrating it can get trying to decide what to do for the night when the two of you can't come to an agreement. (And how quickly it can escalate to an all out fight/drama) Having something like that would be helpful.

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We fight more and more about our differences, but we also seem to love each other deeper each day. Have you ever been in this situation? Any advice?

 

Most of your differences can be worked around.

 

But I agree with the rest, the kids issue - that's one of the common deal breakers. It's not something either of you can half heartedly agree to the other on, and it's a major life changer. You can't go into parenthood not wanting it. And you can't stay childless and be content if you REALLY feel you want to be a parent as part of life.

 

So you need to sit down and have a serious talk, and determine if you're both set on this. This isn't the talk to agree to anything to keep each other happy. This is the honest, down to earth talk you need to have to decide if there's any meeting place at all on this subject - because if there isn't, then eventually you will split. Either waiting to be a parent will become too much and she will be pressing you - or she will be emotionally affected more and more as she has to choose between you and her longing to be a mother.

 

Since she's so religious, maybe a talk with her church elder/pastor/priest would be in order for her if she seems to be having issues coping.

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I guess a pertinent detail might be that she is 100% infertile. She's been trying for 6-7 years, been to a dozen doctors, etc... So, we just sort of leave it to chance on the kid thing, with the odds highly in my favor. She does discuss adoption though so I suppose the issue is still relevant.

 

I digress though... I guess it's just hard to break up with someone you love so much. This is an issue we both face. We've had MANY conversations about it, but neither of us have the courage to let go.

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Your differences you can both agree upon, but a child...that's another thing entirely. If the two of you can't agree on how to raise the kid with your vastly different belief systems then that will be what sinks the relationship, not the other things. If you can both agree to let the child choose his or her own path and you each teach why you believe the way you do, then there's a chance even that can work. But you not wanting kids while she does is another big problem.

 

The kids issue is the biggest one to sort out from what I can see. Either come to agreement and compromise or know one day it's going to end. Maybe just not right now.

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