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girlfriend lied to me and Im having trouble forgiving her


ItRainsItPours

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A few months ago I noticed a guy posting on my girlfriends facebook. It stood out because noone really talks to her on there. It was just a normal 'how are you?' conversation and I thought nothing of it. A few weeks ago this same guy comments on her profile picture where she is holding her cat. She comments on her picture "look at her freckles!" and he replies "just like her mommy", my girlfirend liked this comment and replied with a smiley face.

 

Now I know that sounds harmless, and that Im stressing over facebook which is immature. However, while my girlfriend does have freckles, they are not on her face. They are on her back, and she does not wear revealing clothes so there's no way to know she had them unless you've seen her naked.

 

Needless to say I was livid.

 

So I was at home with my girlfriend, and I asked who *insert guys name* was, she was noticeably shocked and said "he's just some guy I know".

 

I didn't say anything for awhile. She asked what I was thinking about and I said I was thinking about her answer. Thats when she said she had dated him for a few weeks last winter, but that it was a rebound and he didnt treat her very well.

 

I did not yell or curse, but I was extremely mad. Madder than I've ever been at her. She lied to me implying that he was just some acquaintance, and the nature in which I found out made it way worse. She asked why I randomly brought him up, I told her about the facebook comment and her eyes got wide. She went on her phone and blocked him, saying she had no idea that he was making a suggestive comment. I do believe her, she is not the type to welcome that sort of behavior.

 

To make matters worse I realized she had made a lewd comment about him when we first started dating. We were waiting a bit to have sex and were taking it slow, and one day we were talking about what it'd be like. She made a joke about being afraid that I'd be too well endowed for her since I'm black. I jokingly say "well all black guys are" to which she says "I don't think so, but this one black guy I dated was. Wow I had to scoot back in the bed, he was sexy!"

 

We hadn't been dating very long, this bothered me a little then but as we got more serious it began to bother me more and more. One day I confronted her about it saying that was a very insensitive thing to say. She apologized sincerely, saying it was horrible and that it was a joke but obviously I wouldnt find it funny.

 

The guy who talked to her on facebook is black, I asked her if that if she was referring to that day and she knodded. I understand that I can't be mad at her for something she apologized for months ago, but it definitely hurt again to have a picture to the face.

 

My girlfriend apologized over and over for lying. We had just been in a fight about something else, she said she was caught off guard and lied because she was afraid of stirring the pot. Eventually I said I'd forgive her as she was crying alot (she has emotional problems and does this alot during arguments).

 

It's been a couple weeks now, I havent brought it up since the first fight but it still bothers me. I do trust my girlfriend, I never felt like she was being flirtatious the entire time we've dated. She does make a huge effort in our relationship, arguably more than I do. I know she loves me, but I'm still mad at her for lying to me. Even though I know it was a mistake on her part, it did make her look really bad. and I know she already apologized for that awful comment she made, but it still hurts my feelings. Shes never said anything like that about any other male infront of me, including celebritys, so its not like its a reoccuring issue. But definitely way too graphic for my liking.

 

I want to get over it, I dont want to fight with her anymore. But everytime I think about it it makes my blood boil. How do I get over it?

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Don't know. It seems like you are way too insecure for your own good. She didn't really lie to you. She had a short lived fling with him some time ago and it doesn't sound like it meant much to her. So yes, he is just some guy she kind of knows. He is not someone special in her mind or life. I really don't get guys like you. A woman is not your property, her past is not your business and unless you are dating a virgin, there were men in her life before that are also not your business.

 

You say yourself that she is loyal and a good gf and has put more effort into this relationship than you at times. Why the heck are you trying to sabotage this?

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I'm not trying to make her my property nor am I trying to sabotage our relationship. Obviously we have both been with other people and that is fine, but whats not fine is people making sly comments referring to their sexual history. I realize that she did not see what he was suggesting, but I did not know that at the time of reading that exchange. And she did lie, she said "he's just some guy I know" with a very shocked and guilty manner, then said "I only acted that way because I was surprised." Thats when I was silent and she then told me the truth.

 

She also has asked me similar things with two women who posted on my page. I was not offended and flatly told her that one was my girlfriend from highschool and another I had had a class with.

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It's fine to have a personal boundary where you don't want your partner concealing the nature of their relationships from you, communicating with their former lovers, and expressing their excitement over the genitals of their former lovers to you. Not gonna get that with her though.

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I ask not of her what she has not asked of me. Before this conversation she had asked me about two women who posted on my facebook and I was completely honest with her. The fact that she was not with me is BS. And I only asked because of the nature of the comment, and what I thought was her seemingly receptive response.

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She banged some guy before you started dating & he posted on her wall?

Get over it.

 

What would you rather her do?

Explain how she knows every guy who acknowledges her?

I'd do the same thing... Brush off an unimportant guy... He doesn't need to be a convo or anything.

 

Some guy said hi to me the other day in the mall & I was pissed.

We dated a year ago & when my BF asked who he was I said he was just some guy I dated.

The truth is I liked him a lot... LAST year.

I wish he didn't even axcknowledge me NOW, lol.

 

In sum, don't get bent out of shape over every person she knows.

So she liked his comment?

It could be the beginning of an affiar (it all starts on FB), but more likely than not it's just a like.

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I ask not of her what she has not asked of me. Before this conversation she had asked me about two women who posted on my facebook and I was completely honest with her. The fact that she was not with me is BS. And I only asked because of the nature of the comment, and what I thought was her seemingly receptive response.

 

The asking isn't the issue. Its your jealousy in reaction to the answer that was the issue. What it boils down to is you are insecure because she acknowledge having a previous partner that was well endowed. Now discussion of that is uncomfortable and she is trying to avoid conflict.

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Ouch, that comment was really insensitive. If she doesn't say things similar to that all the time, I would let it go. She has apologized for it. Realize that she is with YOU now because she thinks YOU are sexy/attractive.

 

While it is a little suspect that she would call an ex just "some guy I know" I think I can understand where she is coming from. My boyfriend says that he wants me to be honest & open, yet when I tell him what he wants to hear, he flies off the handle making "honest & open" NOT something I want to do for fear of the consequences. He feeds the problem. If he would just handle things calmly and maturely, I wouldn't think twice about saying something. This is just something to keep in mind. If you want her to be honest & open, nurture that behavior. Tell her she doesn't have to hide who a facebook friend is. If its an ex, so be it. If you have trust in your relationship, it shouldn't matter who her facebook friends are.

 

That said, I'm putting myself in your shoes thinking about an ex of my boyfriend making a comment like that and I'm pretty sure it would frost my cookies. After I get through digging my nails into the computer desk, though... I would calmly remind myself of his commitment to me and that there's nothing to worry about. I want to say thats how I would handle the situation...luckily I haven't had to deal with it.

 

 

 

I'm convinced facebook is the devil's work and is the ultimate test of a relationship's staying power. I, too, am having relationship drama in regards to facebook friends.

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Just judging by this poor girls reaction, I can tell she is trustworthy, she was not aware that his comment was sexual which you know.. guilty people get angry, defensive, they call you untrustworthy, they tell you that your insecure for not trusting them. This girl is crying her f**king eyes out over a stupid misunderstanding that you blew out of proportion. I think right now you are emotionally abusing her tbh..

 

she made some stupid comment-prob just trying to let you know that you turn her on and stupidly put her foot in her mouth and said the wrong thing. She did not mean it and you need to let it go.

 

Most girls don't even think about their exes in that way. Its done, over and forgotten

 

i think your insecurity is OTT. Do girls get all jealous that your ex could give you an orgasm? No highly unlike coz its NORMAL.. so get over your male ego and stop it before you drive this girl away

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The asking isn't the issue. Its your jealousy in reaction to the answer that was the issue. What it boils down to is you are insecure because she acknowledge having a previous partner that was well endowed. Now discussion of that is uncomfortable and she is trying to avoid conflict.

 

I'm not trying to be argumentative but I respectfully disagree. I'm mad that she lied to my face about something like that because it makes her look bad. What my brother-in-law said to me a long time ago "your partner not cheating should go without saying. but what makes a relationship healthy is being considerate enough that there is no room for doubt." I do trust my girlfriend, but during that conversation I did doubt her for the first time in our relationship and it was very unsettling.

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I'm not trying to be argumentative but I respectfully disagree. I'm mad that she lied to my face about something like that because it makes her look bad. What my brother-in-law said to me a long time ago "your partner not cheating should go without saying. but what makes a relationship healthy is being considerate enough that there is no room for doubt." I do trust my girlfriend, but during that conversation I did doubt her for the first time in our relationship and it was very unsettling.

 

Then man up and dump her if you cant get over it. Don't think you have the right to endlessly punish someone.

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The reaction she had to the guy's suggestive comment tells me that for her anyways it was a bit more innocent than maybe on his part. Do I think she was flattered when he started posting to her wall, yeah maybe. Do I think the guy was hoping for more, definitely. But she didn't try to justify him to you, she didn't belittle you or carry on about how you're imagining things, she agreed his comment about the freckles was not acceptable and she blocked him.

 

I think it's okay. I know you're upset and I get why, but she doesn't really act the way someone does when they're trying to hook up with an ex behind your back. I think she tried to downplay who he was, because she didn't want you upset after knowing how much her thoughtless remark hurt you the time before. I think it backfired yes, but I don't get any intention to do something bad from her. Minus points for an incredibly tactless remark about the endowment, but a relationship consists of alot more than just penis size. So in much the same way you might flip through a catalogue and stare at an actresse's chest on prominent display I think it's the same here. One part does not mean she'd rather be with him than you. I'd say let it go, maybe use it as a reason to sit down and work out how both of you will maintain proper boundaries with other people in your lives like exes and even new acquaintances.

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I'm very surprised at the response to this thread. I don't know what I have said that would imply I am mentally abusive.

 

Most people are used to bad relationships and are afraid if they have boundaries they'll be alone so they tolerate anything that is thrown their way.

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because you are so caught up in being right...instead of forgiving. You baited her..she said some guy. Then and only then did you being up his comment. Which she didn't know about and promptly took care of.

 

The horse is dead...stop beating it.

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Let me explain something about what your brother in law said. Yes your partner not cheating should indeed be assumed. But you weren't cheated on here. Did she make a mistake? Yes. Did she acknowledge it freely and apologize? Yes. Did you agree to forgive her? Yes. That was your choice. If you are going to live your life based on that once piece of advice then do just that. Don't use that as reason to stay angry. Live by it and end things, or get over it and move on.

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It's getting to the abusive point because you're continuing to, even if in your mind, mentally chastise her for something that 1) was to her insignificant (the relationship/fling years ago), 2) can't be changed, 3) she apologized if it seemed she was being devious (given her lack of understanding of the inappropriateness of his comment, I doubt she considered saying he was just some guy as anything but true), and 4) part that she didn't even recognize as him making an inappropriate comment.

 

She has apologized. She has blocked him. She can't do any more about this situation. You are being utterly OTT.

 

What would you think if she was carrying on about a one night stand you'd had if you'd said something to the effect of "oh she's just someone I knew a while back but not very well." It would be an honest assessment - the chick would have meant nada. And you'd probably be first guilty, and then start moving into angry when she didn't drop it.

 

So either figure out how to wrap your head around the fact that her wording, not her intent, was the trigger, or let her go. She has done everything she can to remedy the original misunderstanding/miswording. And as soon as you pointed out why his comment was inappropriate, she reacted appropriately. So now the problem is with you, not her. You can't continue to punish her, even in your mind, for being human and for your own obsession.

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