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My story 4 months later


moniker12

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My story after dating someone for almost 1.5 years who is schizoaffective, bipolar and possibly has borderline personality disorder. (She told me she is bipolar and schizoaffective. My therapist thinks she may have have borderline personality disorder as well) I am writing this to get response. This crazy, rollercoaster relationship left me angry, hurt beyond belief and I cannot understand what exactly happened or why.

It’s been four months since she broke up with me. She has broken up with me at least 4 times. Each breakup lasting maybe a week, a month and the latest four months. I was expecting her to come back. In my heart I was waiting for her to come back, wanted her to come back. My heart still hurts. She has moved on and is someone else now. I had to stop checking her facebook page bc each time I did my heart would sink into my stomach. Three days ago I finally stopped checking it and removed myself from everything that has to do with her.

I am a lesbian who dated a married woman for one year. This was my first experience in polyamory. Ive never been in a open relationship before. The woman i was with wanted polyfidelity with me. There were times I felt I wanted another girlfriend but she would tell me that i can but if i do our relationship would change and she hoped we could still be friends. That she wouldnt be ok if i were sleeping with others. *I was fine with that the problem arose when i experimented with her husband (which she manipuated) by locking us out of her bedroom while we were drunk, telling me to roll around with him in bed, telling me I am really not a lesbian.. This woman was diagnosed with some psychological problems. BPD and another disorder. I dont know if tat as anything to do with her mood swings.

 

I loved her husband as a friend, told him this after i ended the drunken, sexual encounters. I began to resent her and him bc it was always the three of us. She and i never had dates alone, she never came to my house. We broke up for 2 weeks in February. We got back together after much discussion. Everything was good, she was making small changes, started telling me how she resented her marriage, how she was embarrassed to admit she is married, identifed as a lesbian but only bi bc of him.*

 

She would tell me how she wished she and i had a house together so we could buy furniture, cook together. How he is only her best friend and didnt care if they had sex bc she had me. That he doesnt touch her, how in love she was with me..blah blah... How she wanted to live with me part time and with him the other half. She would tell me that the only reason she is poly is because she likes women. She wanted a mono relationship with me. I asked her to stop telling me these things because it was confusing.

 

This messed with my head a little. Her hubby drank a lot...i guess he is an alcoholic..would come on to me, make sexual comments..no respect...burst in on us having sex...she wanted him to have his own gf...anyway three weeks ago she and i celebrated our one year anniversary. I spent $120 on dinner and another $80 taking her out all night. The week prior she was begging me to go on vacation with her and him.

 

Two days after our anniversary she broke up with me. Told me when i was ready we could be friends. I was blown away. I was not the kindest. She did this over facebook. I told her no way and other things.

I felt confused and the I love you this week, but next week I am going to completely ignore you started to make me angry and it hurt. One minute she couldn’t stand hubby and wanted me. Constantly complaining how boring he is and talked about when he dies you and i can combine households.

She also would get weird when someone texted me. There was a girl who liked me, this pissed her off and she wanted to email her about it. Then the next week she would be its ok if you want a gf. Then that would change again.

 

I was NOT very nice when she broke up with me over facebook. I said some really mean things.

We broke up like 5 times the year we were together. In the early months of our relationship I tried to walk away because of the "swinger mentality" she and her husband had. She texted me all kinds of crazy stuff, like cutting herself.

 

We got back together in June, then she broke up with me again in August. Mid- September she posted passive aggressive stuff facebook to which I responded. We talked for five hours on the phone. Her crying and telling me she missed me and loves me. That she is monogamous now and that she would only ever date me, that poly isn’t natural. She invited me to her house to spend the night. Pretended we could work things out. Two days later she tells me I misinterpreted what she said. Said we can only be friends at this point to which I blew my lid. She blocked me on Facebook.

I kept checking her facebook page under a different profile. I couldn’t help myself. I have/had a unhealthy obsession with her. I was pretty sure she was dating someone in October because of comments she made, but wasn’t for sure. Then around Thanksgiving she unblocked me on facebook. I had a profile on OKC without a picture for a long time. I found her on there with a fake city, some stock photo and a profile saying she needed to be private. I then posted my photo. She checked my profile out. I checked hers back. I then checked her facebook page and she had posted maybe 30 minutes after I see you and then posted what I thought the song she dedicated to me with kisses above it.

A few days pass and she posts a photo of herself with a profile that said for those of you who keep checking to see if this is me it is. I was so hurt. I deleted my account.

She then started posting on her wall with this other woman she is seeing now.Sexual stuff. My heart is broken. I can’t get over her. I blocked her on facebook. I can’t stand her and the hatred is overwhelming me, yet I still ache and love her. So with that I don’t think “our song” was meant for me but for this other woman. Who does that???

I have stopped checking her facebook page and removed myself from anything that has to do with her. I feel betrayed, deceived, used and manipulated.

I am in therapy because of her. What kind of person does this? How can she just move on like that? She made it sound like I was the love of her life. I loved her so much. Never fell in love so hard before in my life. By the way we are all adults (40’s).

Oh and her other three ex girlfriends hate her as well. Apparently she pulled the same stuff on them. Lied a lot about what really happened. I am the fourth ex that has been hurt by her. I was also the longest relationship. How do you get over something like this? I still wake up in the morning with her on my mind, seething with hatred until the time I go to bed. She's moved on. forgetton about me. Probably telling the same lies she told about the other three ex gf to someone else. There is so much more to tell...

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It was doomed from the beginning. It doesn't matter how many times she told you she was a lesbian. She is married to a man. She is in an open relationship with him - not you. You were the bit on the side. The one constant stable thing in her life is her hubby and it is the women she's been in relationships with that are dispensable. She might be in a new relationship with someone else but she'll do a number on her too and considering you're her longest female relationship that won't take long.

 

She is in a pattern of destructive short term relationships. It happened before you and it'll happen long after you. You should read the symptoms of BPD. They make for an interesting read. It'll help you better understand what happened.

 

Next time make sure (from the outset) that you're with someone who is interested in you and you only. You definitely seem the monogamous type. My condolences over your pain.

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Yes I am the monogamous type. That was my first and last time in a open relationship. She knew this about me. There are times I miss her and I regret not remaining friends with her. I feel guilt over how I reacted to her after the 5 hour conversation we had in September. However I know cutting her out of my life completely was the healthiest thing for me to do. A friendship would have been confusing and hurtful.

That relationship brought out things in me I didnt know existed. I am not blaming her, but we are so different. She sees spirituality in everything. I do not. She talks in circles, which would confuse me.

Maybe her next relationship will be different and she chooses someone with the same mind set.

I am a mess and traumatized over the whole thing. I cant wait until I can completely move on.

Sometimes i want to talk to her, apologize for my reactions, but I wont do it. It will only cause me pain.

I always felt like a FWB, disposable and I hated the anxiety she caused me. that was the most intense relationship i have ever had. It was like she worshipped me in the beginning. I was perfect. The physical and emotional attraction was intense. Best lover i ever had. She was my addiction. I dont know if anything she ever said to me was true.

It hurts that i spent every holiday with her and my fake family. It hurts knowing she has completely forgotten about me. I no longer exist. Very painful.

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Relationships with people who have BPD are like that in the beginning. They tell you they love you very quickly, will quicken the early stages of relationships (eg tell you they want to move in together after only a month) and are passionate and can be charismatic. It's intoxicating! Notice , though, how quickly things start to go south. The initial flush of intense desire doesn't last long for a lot of them.

 

Look you have done the right thing. You need to heal. Did she mean what she said? In her own mind perhaps but she doesn't have the reasoning capacity that most have. In, other words, the boundaries people set normally aren't present.

 

You worry she'll find someone like her who will be a better fit. That won't happen. The pattern she's in is one she can't escape and she most certainly doesn't have the tools to fix what's wrong with her.

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