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Initiating the breakup in a few days. Any words of encouragement / advice?


StrongBalance2

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Thanks in advance for any helpful replies.

 

Although I envisioned a lifelong commitment with my girlfriend (of 6 years), she no longer shares the same dreams for the future. She has admitted to me for granted, downgraded our level of commitment, and has slowly pulled away emotionally. While our day-to-day life is wonderful in many ways (we still laugh, play, have great physical chemistry, and a very strong bond), I know that I have been holding on to what was rather than what is. It's incredibly sad and I have been working through the pain for many months. I'm now ready to initiate the breakup, while she is the one who set the stage for this transition.

 

I'm going to very calmly and gently talk with her about breaking up in a few days, as well as sharing a letter (in person) that enabled me to clearly outline my thoughts. That way, the emotions in the moment won't overpower my ability to effectively communicate everything.

 

I suspect she will accept the breakup and agree to move on. In the rare event that she wants to "keep working on things", I want to tell her that we have been "trying" for months and the imbalance is still far too great (I'm putting in all of the work). But, I really don't know how I'll feel in the moment.

 

I would greatly appreciate input from others. I feel strong and grounded overall, but slightly apprehensive (as can be expected).

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Only question I have is... have you BOTH been "trying" or have YOU just been pulling away without really talking about the underlying issues. It seems like you've just gradually been thinking about it and letting the idea eat away at you without letting her know how you feel, that you've been thinking about breaking up, etc etc. Have you let her know what's been bugging you? Or have they just been one off comments, underhanded statements, etc.

 

I really feel that many breakups could be avoided if people just SPOKE THEIR MIND before reaching the point of no return. Have you let her know what you've been feeling?

 

My ex dumped me for the same reason as you "she's been putting in all the work" yet I saw no work being put in, she never even effectively communicated before breaking up, they were one off comments, so to me it came out of the blue.

 

It irritates me that people just walk away rather than talking because they're scared the person will leave, and because they're scared to speak up they just tolerate and tolerate until they can't tolerate anymore and then you end up breaking up anyways.

 

Edit: Oh yeah if you've done all of that, then go for it, and stick to your guns, understand that she may go crazy there is no such thing as a "good breakup" and each person will handle it easily. Let her know you'll be going no contact immediately so you both can start healing and that it's not to spite her. That's what I think. Others will have better suggestions I'm sure

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Sounds like you are truly over it and ready to move on. Remind yourself of that while you go through it. I had a boyfriend once where I was completely done, yet out of guilt I pulled myself back into the relationship. (He didn't want to break up) We only lasted another month or so. Once I made up my mind it was hard to change, because it takes a LOT to push me to that point. Sort of no turning back once I'm there.

 

With that said, I do hope that you've atleast expressed your dissatisfaction in the relationship and given her a heads up. I know how much it hurts to have the rug swept out from underneath you.

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No easy way to do it.

 

But just be really clear about your intentions... as in, don't wimp out and say things like, 'maybe some day in the future we might get back together'. Don't give her false hope if you have made up your mind.

 

Don't get dragged down the wrong path if she tries to turn it into an attack or a huge emotional scene. Just reiterate you think it best this way, and if she wants to talk again for a bit when she's calmed down again, you'll have a phone call, but right now is not the time for a big fight/scene.

 

Also have prepared in your mind the logistics of the split up... for example, if you have shared finances or live together or property shared, you should have a plan and be prepared to talk about the logistics of splitting up the assets. But she might not be ready to discuss that if she is shocked or surprised and you may do that follow up phone call to discuss the practicalities.

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