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ever feel like you made a mistake?


Chiquta Banana

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I was never able to commit to a proper relationship with the guy i love. I really love him but my head is just so filled with problems i can foresee down the line, not necessarily now, but in months or even years.

 

It's like my heart is so into him and the thought of 'us' but my head keeps telling me it wouldn't be a good idea. My super rational side keeps thinking, i'm 30 now and if i'm in an 'official' relationship it needs to have long-term potential. I need to know that if it got really serious (marriage/other form of long-term commitment), it would make sense. Like, if he asked me to marry him would i say yes? Would I want to have kids with him? And I know it sounds presumptuous to think of this when we aren't even together, aren't even talking, but this is stuff he has literally brought up a few times, like "Can't you see how great our life would be? We would live in 'so and so' area and have a dog and...." and things like "I want you to have my babies."

 

So rationally, I think it's better that 'we' are over now, and not in 2 months, 6 months or a year, as it just keeps getting more and more difficult to let go.

 

But I can't help but think, should I have thrown caution to the wind and followed my heart? Should I have given 'us' a chance and seen if I could have grown with him and maybe become convinced that we can have a life together? Keep in mind that we're from very different backgrounds, and more than that, we see life very differently. What seems fun and exciting now, I'm scared will become a problem in the future. And yet.... I keep wondering if I made a mistake now and if should have tried harder to believe, to be spontaneous?

 

Has anyone else regretted not going with their heart?

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Yes... Sadly a couple of times now. They have also told me how great life would be if i settled. But like u said, when your older u are already looking at long term and you dont want to b like ur friend with kids and divorced or with kids and single. When your in love you can c the Problems... But most times they are just put in the back burner until they manifest out one way or another. Now as im older i do think bout the what ifs but its not something i crave for.

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It's really hard to 'know' if this is the one....

I feel, if it does feel right after a good few months- maybe 1/2 a year, why not look at possible long term?

IF any feelings of doubt, however.. that may mean not.

 

We never really know. I dated my 1st ex 4 yrs then married- little too late b4 i realized he was an alcy. One after him, 2 yrs later.. we move in together & had 2 kids.. again it fell apart after 5-6 yrs... he was manic depressive... SO- we just don't know.. but, I've tried and tried.

 

Some WILL just jump at it and 'give it a try' and see whatever happens.

You CAN choose to take things slowly and see how it goes.. look for the continous comfort, compassions, respect, understanding and love.. see if it all feels right?

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No ive never regretted a breakup. I think you need to use your head tbh. You already know you are not compatable long term so what is the point?

 

Your heart is not saying follow this guy-infatuation is-probably only because your genes are a good match and you would have healthy babies together. That is what chemistry is. All it is, is your hormones saying I wana reproduce with this person so you gotta take a step back from that and look at it practically and logically.

 

Realistically he only ticks 1 or 2 boxes

 

and believe me i have been there withbthis chemistry thing with 2 separate guys. The first i went out with once and told him to get lost, the second lasted about a month-no sex.. my chemistry was telling me to go for it-everything else was saying dont. I knew both these guys were untrustworthy a**holes who are just looking for one thing. Follow your gut

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  • 2 weeks later...

sorry for replying so late and thanks for the posts

 

to mandy - it's not so much specific things he's done - it's more the fact that between some minor red flags (he finds a lot to criticize about me and it comes out whenever we fight, makes me feel unsure i am what he is looking for, and he tends to end it all with 'but i love you anyway' which is far from reassuring - what happens when love wanes and after the honeymoon period?) and some external issues (different cultures, different views on life, different characters, different places in life where he is super experienced and i'm absolutely not.... which is interesting now but makes me worried about making joint decisions when we see things so differently), i feel like there isn't anything solid for me to 'believe' in - like other than how we feel, there isn't anything to make me feel confident about this.

there have also been some trust issues - where he has thought i've lied to him about really painful things - for example, he was my first kiss but apparently, i kiss like a pro so he has questioned me repeatedly, almost like he thinks by asking me time and time again i'll let the truth slip about my 500 secret boyfriends.....

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