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Why are some people so clingy?


B4551C

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I'm not going to lie here, I used to be pretty bad about clinginess. I am a lot better now as I have become more experienced, but in my late teen years I was an extremely clingy boyfriend. I didn't even realize it until I started reading experiences in online forums such as this. I have worked through the clinginess, but I STILL get those strong feelings to be clingy, to smother, and all that crap...I just choose not to act upon those urges. I'm generally a confident person, so I don't necessarily feel that it's an insecurity issue for me...

 

Is that just the way some people are? Has anyone here been a clingy person, and now completely have gotten over it? Any other thoughts on clinginess in general??

 

Thanks in advance

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I've always been the extreme opposite of clingy, but I seem to be a magnet for clingy. There are a lot of reasons for that. Some are insecure. Some have issues from the past with cheating ex's and feel that if they cling to you like velcro, they'll somehow have better control of things. Some people just don't have a life and make their SO the center of their universe and a part of their identity, laser focus. Some are controlling, although I think that's just a form of insecure. Some people are more intensely emotional than others and do not control their urges at all. Some fear loss, fear being alone so they smother. Ultimately, I think no matter how you spin it, those are all different forms and manifestations of insecurity. Just because you are super confident at work, doesn't make you confident when it comes to relationships. Nobody is really confident about everything 100% of the time.

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Some fear loss, fear being alone so they smother. Ultimately, I think no matter how you spin it, those are all different forms and manifestations of insecurity. Just because you are super confident at work, doesn't make you confident when it comes to relationships. Nobody is really confident about everything 100% of the time.

I think this is exactly it for me. In combination with the super emotional note. I am muuuuch more emotional person than socially acceptable. I tend to keep it in check though, a lot of people might even describe me as emotionless, but I just have a really good poker face. I try really hard to balance my actions between logic and emotion. Also I can't stand being single, I'm a hopeless romantic. A couple months ago I was going on dates with different girls on a regular basis, but when my brother came down to visit with his GF for thanksgiving, I saw them so comfortable with each other and I WANTED that sooo bad.

 

I have gotten a lot better though, it's still difficult sometimes. The best thing for me is practice mindfulness of my emotions so it gives me more time to look at my actions before they actually become actions. The girl I'm sort of in a relationship now doesn't seem to notice that I am a clingy person...she is just fine going throughout the day without texting. I've tried to hold out a few times when she texts I try reaaaallllly hard not to text back immediately...lol sounds pretty pathetic, but hopefully that stage of the relationship will die away soon because it keeps me from appreciating it for what it is since I'll constantly be wondering if I'm being too clingy.

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I think you hit on something really important with your brother and his gf - comfortable. It takes time to reach that point and involves mutual trust. Just because you haven't talked all day, doesn't mean your SO will evaporate in a puff of smoke. It's being able to reach that point where you get it that they are still there and still care about you and you really don't need to check on them every hour that's important. It's having confidence and faith in your relationship and it is a very pleasant and powerful feeling. You just feel safe.

 

For me, it hinges on understanding what kind of a person I'm with. Who are they at their core? What makes them tick? When you understand that, I think it makes it easier to trust and feel comfortable and not have that urge to check on them or feel easily rattled about every little thing. Of course, that also means being able to ruthlessly weed out people who don't live up to your core standards.

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I think this is exactly it for me. In combination with the super emotional note. I am muuuuch more emotional person than socially acceptable. I tend to keep it in check though, a lot of people might even describe me as emotionless, but I just have a really good poker face. I try really hard to balance my actions between logic and emotion. Also I can't stand being single, I'm a hopeless romantic. A couple months ago I was going on dates with different girls on a regular basis, but when my brother came down to visit with his GF for thanksgiving, I saw them so comfortable with each other and I WANTED that sooo bad.

 

Dude. Sounds just like me.

 

Clinginess is bad, but I also think that people should work to reassure each other that they are serious about one another. Just like good friends will always reply to a text at some point, even if the response is "can't talk right now" or "sorry for the late response" etc.

 

People shouldn't just bail out of relationships or even conversations as soon as a person shows hints of clinginess. Those who are on the receiving end of the clinginess should confront the "clinger" to let that person know what the issue is. Maybe insecurity is not attractive, but how can a person be secure if they have no idea how a person is feeling at one time or another?

 

Finally, I realize that not everyone treats clingers the same way. I just wanted to bring up one of my issues with some of the people who identify others as clingers.

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People shouldn't just bail out of relationships or even conversations as soon as a person shows hints of clinginess. Those who are on the receiving end of the clinginess should confront the "clinger" to let that person know what the issue is. Maybe insecurity is not attractive, but how can a person be secure if they have no idea how a person is feeling at one time or another?

This is also true and I wish more people did this, because some girls I've been with, have absolutely no problem with "clinginess". And some do, and they don't even tell you to chill out or whatever. I'd be much better off knowing if that's a turn-off than always wondering.

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This is also true and I wish more people did this, because some girls I've been with, have absolutely no problem with "clinginess". And some do, and they don't even tell you to chill out or whatever. I'd be much better off knowing if that's a turn-off than always wondering.

 

Because it rarely works and typically has the opposite effect from what's desired. When someone is really insecure, then any perceived push back just sends them into a greater stage of frenzy and makes their insecurities that much worse.

 

Overall though, I think when you really really like someone, then you like hearing from them and have a much greater tolerance for "clinginess". Basically, if I'm really into him and he texts me good morning at the crack of dawn, it's sooo cute and I'm going to be smiling all morning about it. If I'm not that into him, then my reaction is going to be more along the lines of very grumpy "wth, doesn't he know what time it is? Who does this....grrr....grrr...." A lot of the times, it's not really that you contacted her that drove her away, it's just that there was not enough there to begin with and wasn't going to be there regardless.

 

Another way is to pay attention to how the other person communicates. If they don't text you during the day or take a long time to respond, it means that either they are not really into that or can't because of work. So you probably should curb the urge as well. If they are really prompt and reach out to you frequently as well, then more frequent contact from you will also be welcome. It's kind of about matching/mirroring.

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Another way is to pay attention to how the other person communicates. If they don't text you during the day or take a long time to respond, it means that either they are not really into that or can't because of work. So you probably should curb the urge as well. If they are really prompt and reach out to you frequently as well, then more frequent contact from you will also be welcome. It's kind of about matching/mirroring.

 

This is what I've worked on myself. Mirroring, reciprocating. It's a sales tactic I use at work, and it helps when I integrate sales tactics into relationships. However, I am a LOT more confident talking to people and getting them to like me at work than I am with somebody I really like.

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Low self esteem. Basically, your own life doesn't really interest you or you no sense of an independent identity and need another person to define who you are and make you feel good about yourself.

 

that's an interesting perspective. can't say that I relate to any of it though

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