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Can you be in love with 2 men at the same time?


Tiff87

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Hi everyone,

 

I'm stuck in a situation where I feel like I'm in love with two people and need some advice on what to do next.

 

I've been with my partner (A) for just over 3 years now. We met at university and started dating almost immediately and towards the end of uni the stress and workload really took a tole on both of us and we started to drift apart. Sex went from a few times a week to barely once a month and we rarely talked or went out. This continued over the summer. We decided wanted to make this work and that we needed a fresh start somewhere new and planned to move towns and share a flat with his friend (B).

 

Due to work commitments A found it hard to get time off and we decided that I would go first and stay with B and us two would search for a flat together. This made the strain on our relationship even worse and all we seem to do was argue.

 

Being away from all my friends hit home one day and I began to feel lonely. I was so glad to have B to comfort me. He'd take me out and compliment me, I wanted him to fancy me, just to feel wanted again and one night I tried to kiss him. He pulled away and I felt so guilty and ashamed. The next morning he laughed it off but later that day we were watching a film and he started stroking me and we ended up sleeping together. We swore it was a one off but we couldn't seem to resist and slept together every night for the rest of the week.

 

A moved in and B and I agreed to stop. We lasted for about a week but started making excuses to spend more time with each other. He seemed to fill in all the gaps that my relationship with A was lacking and I started to get stronger feelings for him.

 

B and I still are very intimate when A is at work or out and says he's has strong feelings for me but even if I ended things with A and moved out, we still couldn't be together as they have been friends for years. A and I on the other hand are getting along really well probably due to the guilt I have I feel like a want to make him happy. We still don't have sex though, he says he has a low sex drive and is perfectly happy cuddling etc. He is such a sweet and loving person that I couldn't bare to upset him and knowing he wants marriage and children with me in the future makes me want to keep trying at making our relationship better but I fear there is never going to be the passion that I feel with B. I'm terrified that I will make the wrong the decision and live with regret for the rest of my life.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any help and advice is much appreciated. I haven't told anyone whats going on as I know how awful it is to do this to my partner and I don't want to hurt either of them, I just need some clarity.

 

Many Thanks.

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I can tell you how it will end ...

 

you will be on your own with no where to live , and those two will sort their differences out and be fine ...

 

you and james need to get your own place and you need to give that man loyalty .

 

or

 

you and ed need to sit james down and tell him what you are both doing

 

or

 

you need to move out on your own and start again without either of them

 

but you can't carry on like this .

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No, not really. I don't actually think you love either of these men, you stay with them for a variety of reasons, you like them but there are problems with each. James has a low sex drive and if it's a problem for you now it is always going to be a problem. And if you reallly were in love with him you would have shut Ed down early on, but you didn't. Ed is also a problem, a big one. He ingratiates himself into your life then sleeps with his best buddy's girl and continues to do so. And that little line about how, "Oh, if you break up I could never be with you, because of James" is a line set to make sure you don't demand a commitment of Ed. If he really cared about what his friend thought he wouldn't have slept with you to begin with, so Ed isn't exactly anyone's idea of a prize. Worse he's the sort of "friend" no one wants or needs to have in their lives.

 

I think you all do things that are convenient for you, but I also think this is going to blow up in your faces one day. Either set both these guys down and tell them you aren't into monogamy and it's an open relationship where each of them is also free to seek out other women or you break up with both and move elsewhere. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's the truth. It's really ridiculous that you're single and not tied to either of these guys by way of property or kids and yet you're already cheating on James with his best friend. What's the point? I don't get it. Yeah, it'll be hard to own up to your mistakes, but being a coward is a lot tougher in the end. And yes what youre doing is cowardly, a person who isn't afraid of consequences doesn't engage in such behavior then try to hide it.

 

That's not love no matter how you look at it.

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He is such a sweet and loving person that I couldn't bare to upset him and knowing he wants marriage and children with me in the future makes me want to keep trying at making our relationship better but I fear there is never going to be the passion that I feel with Ed. I'm terrified that I will make the wrong the decision and live with regret for the rest of my life.

 

Are you serious with this? Sweetie, you practically destroyed your relationship with you bf.. You cheated on him with his closest friend.. You already showed disrespect to him and little regard for your relationship.. I don't think you are in love with either of these guy.. I think you think you love Ed because you were lonely while you bf was away.. Oh, and as for Ed, he ain't a prize because he betrayed his closest friend.. Sorry, but this is not going to end well for you.. However, you need to tell your bf the truth and let the cards fall where they may..

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I feel you're 'feelings' for Ed have diminished so you've come to rely heavily now on James, as he's become your emotional pillow.

Things have been dying down with Ed, and during those time's 'apart', you turned to get closer with James. These two guys are friends and you've woven a mess between all of you now. This sadly, may NOT end up pretty.

 

Because you've been involved with Ed about 3 yrs? This stuff going on with James now.. should you move on with him, can very well be just a 'rebound'. They often do NOT end up well.

 

What I suggest is YOU speak up before YOU end up any more messed up and get ALL of this out. Deal with it and look for another place to live.. and move on so YOU can deal with your 'loss' of your bf and his friend.

If anything, i'm sure THEY will both back off and be totally unsure about this issue. It isn't too healthy with what has happened here. It's painful emotionally & mentally for all.

 

Before one moves on again.. it is ALWAYS best to work on the break up and your own self for a while, as you work in 'accepting' the break up, healing...then moving on. This can take many months to come to sound mind and whole hearted once again. Until you do this, you are NOT stable in many ways.

 

Best think on all of this.. good luck

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This is a v typical affair. You and ED are not unique-this is how all affairs go..

 

going through a difficult time with your partner, you are vulnerable, you break the golden rule and lean on someone else for support, then you get all confused and start having feelings, you become infatuated which creates the passion.. the closer you get to guy B, the more you push bf away, you start comparing them and think guy B makes up for everything guy A lacks blah blah blah, you start thinking guy B is your soul mate coz he makes you feel alive which stems from all the secrecy btw, you only see all guy B good points but all guy A flaws, you eventually want to leave bf.. you get with guy B, fantasy becomes reality, the infatuation and passion wears off and you start noticing all his flaws, you then remember why you spent 3 years with guy A and all his good qualities. You realize you love A and B was just an escape from reality but you have already messed up your life so bad-there's nothing left..

 

but none of that matters now. I could have told you that before you cheated. Now you dont deserve your bf so let him go. He deserves someone better

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This goes beyond cliche:

Your philosophy is..if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with.

Ed's philosophy: a bird in my bed is worth 2 in the bush.

And James: If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist.

 

This isn't love...it is selfish manipulation of the lowest order.

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He is such a sweet and loving person that I couldn't bear to upset him and knowing he wants marriage and children with me in the future

 

Forget it. That bridge is burned.

 

James will find out someday. Maybe tomorrow when he comes home unexpectedly and catches the two of you in bed. Maybe next week when your guilt becomes too much and you confess. Maybe next month when Ed's guilt becomes too much. Maybe next year when you and James get engaged and Ed loses it and makes a public scene. Maybe at your wedding banquet when Ed gets drunk and makes a speech your guests will never forget. Maybe a few years down the road when an old friend blurts out "wait .. I thought you were with Ed, not James" and James finally puts two and two together. Maybe 15 years from now when your teenage daughter finds some old emails you thought you'd deleted.

 

One way or another, it will happen. The only question is, how ugly is it going to be? None of these scenarios end well.

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You need to open your eyes, this is not love, and you are being very cruel with both of them. And B is a very sh*tty friend. If your best friends GF tries to put her hand down your pants you say NO and then you tell your friend, but he went all the way, and not only once. I think your boyfriend needs better friends and a better girlfriend.

All that will never end in you three living happily together like a Swedish family, having sex in shifts. You are deluding yourself.

It will end soon, and you will probably lose them both, and the roof over your head as well.

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Honestly with certain friends who needs enemies. Seriously. This Person B is not a friend at all. If he can do this to his friend what on earth can he do to you. He doesn't love you so understand that now your just scratching an itch. It is a pity you have done this to yourself. This is not going to end well and you are holding unto your boyfriend for selfish reasons because you know within yourself person B is not reliable, so just in case. Why would you want to marry and have children with a man that you are cheating on? You are cheating on him for a reason and you know the reasons. He has a low sex drive, meaning you will cheat on him for the whole of your marital life? why would you do that to your children, because he will eventually find out , so if he finds out after marrying you and having children with you, and then rightly so leaves you is that fair on your children? A broken marriage that could have been avoided had you not been selfish? Do you think you are going to stop cheating on your current boyfriend with his friend, because according to your title you believe your in love with boy B, but with boy A because you don't want to disappoint him. You're already have disappointed him. Big time. Your gf sleeping with your close friend, nothing gets more disappointing than that.

 

You need to stop being selfish and let boy A go. He deserves better than what you are giving him. He deserves somebody better than you. He deserves a better friend. You and Boy B can stay together as you seem to both reason the same way. You need to let boy A know the truth and decide for himself whether to stay with you or dump you. For yourself you seem to only be with person A because of familiarity. 3 years is along time, but it's not enough to continue to put yourself in a relationship that you are not happy with at the cost of damaging your integrity that you no longer have. When this get's out, word will get round amongst all his friends what you have done, because guys do gossip. You are spoiling your reputation and self-image by behaving in such a deplorable way.

 

1. You need to come clean. Boy A will eventually find out but it's how he finds out that will make all the difference and that is down to you. It is going to end badly whatever happens.

2. Another advice is that you move out of boy B's flat asap.

3. Be single for a while and work on yourself

 

Good luck.

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