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Dont know what to do


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I apologize in advance this is going to be a bit of a long post

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nearly four years. We had been having problems for a long time. When i first met him he was an awesome guy very caring and affectionate. Within a few months i became accidently pregnant and we made the decision to move in together. This was partly because i was a single mom at the time and the pregnancy was a difficult one. We knew we wanted to be together and felt that as the summer was ending it would be best to make the decision to move in together to avoid having to change my child's school later on as she was about to start school. Also so he could help me look after my daughter and look after me. Unfortunately due to a previous health problem it became impossible for me to carry the pregnancy full term and lost the baby.

 

This caused a lot of depression for me as i really wanted more children even if the timing was not ideal. This started the decline of the relationship it also started the decline of my health over the following two years i ended up needing several major surgeries including spinal surgery. I was bedridden a lot. This put a big strain on the relationship especially on my partner as he was looking after me and my daughter almost all the time. There were times i was entirely unable to walk. My partner was frustrated and started withdrawing a lot he also began to drink pretty heavily. I have been in recovery for almost two years now and have been really making an effort to take as much as i can off his plate but it never seemed like it was enough for him. During this time he also dealt with the loss of his birth mother and had a permanant falling out with his adoptive parents.

 

There was a huge lack of intimacy of any kind and as a result of everything i had been through i suffered major depression including hospitalization for severe depression. Starting the beginning of this year i had found ways of managing my health a lot better and was pretty close to being normal however the more i tried to rekindle the relationship the more distant my partner became. He ended up going away every other weekend to his boat and i suspected he was being unfaithful. I looked through internet history and found that he had been emailing prostitutes. He claims he never acted on it but the hurt was there anyways. I had been making an effort to do my hair and make up and dress nice. I met him at work for lunch dates but none of this seemed to matter in improving the relationship.

 

Communication had broken down, we both felt frustrated and i was having an increasingly more difficult time with his drinking habits and withdrawn behaviour. I found plenty of evidence of him putting me down behind my back and all his friends told me to break up with him. We started fighting really badly early in october and i had threatened to leave early in october. My daughter overheard the fight and so i had to explain to her that we were going to try to work things out but yes if it did not get better her and i would move out. She (9 years old) became obsessed with this idea and started talking about it all the time like it was going to happen for sure. This caused more strife between my partner and myself. During a fight mid november i had enough. He was drunk again refused to listen to me and when i asked to postpone the argument to another time he refused. I had already had a bad day and he refused to let it go so i packed up my daughter and left that night. Since then i have been staying with family. I am waiting until after christmas to find my own place. In the meantime i have been going back to my ex's house to pack our things. I am storing personal things i dont immediately need in the garage until i can find a place to live.

 

This is where things get complicated. It took a few days to cool off but my ex and i have become great friends. we still very much love each other and realise that love more than we ever did before we broke up. We have been able to talk openly and honestly about things for the first time in a long time. All of the things that were missing in our relationship have come out for both of us since i have left. He truly is my best friend and i am his. We both feel lost without the other. We have been together intimately a few times since breaking up and all the passion that was lacking through the past three years is there again. We spend hours texting and or talking to each other over the phone. Despite my daughter not being biologically his he has been the only father she has ever known and wants to stay a part of her life. He has even talked about the possibility of being a donor if i want more children in the future and dont find another partner. As i am finally healthy enough to consider that as an option now.

 

I dont think moving in together again is a good idea right now but i do want to spend all of my time with him still. I want to be on my own for a while and maybe try to start over and try to do things right. Do all the things we never did in the beginning. Really allow our relationship to grow to have fun together. we forgot how to do that in the day to day grind of life and raising a child together. My big hesitation is the drinking. It can be quite excessive at times. I love him very much and would love to be with him the way things are now. I just dont know that i can handle him drinking all the time. That was a big factor in my decision to leave.

 

These days we get along wonderfully and we both find ourselves saying to each other why were'nt things like this all along. He has admitted a lot of wrong doing on his part and deeply feels regret over it. I know my part of all of this too though most of it was not within my control as it related to health problems i was doing everything i could to treat.

 

Would it be horrible to try to start a relationship again? Before anything got serious he would need to get help with his alcohol problem and i honestly cannot say if he would do that or not. Obviously i would not want to fall back into the same patterns. Is it possible this could work taken slowly? Or should i just be done with it?

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If it were me, I would be done. I would have no respect for him after all this. He has no inner strenght. He turned to alcohol and prostitutes to try and escape his problems. I would never forgive him and I would hate him. You were ill, you needed support and he could not handle it.

 

If your married for like 20 years, you are gonna go through all sorts of ups and downs and he just proved to you that he is not strong enough to cope with issues or problems in a healthy manner.

 

I get it was very hard for him but he could have seen a counsellor, he could have asked family or friends to help out, he could have talked to you and tried to fix it with you but he took the easy option.

 

I dont think this man is long term material

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And ill just add there are some really strong men out there. When i was grieving the loss of my aunt, I was so low, depressed, in bits and just a complete mess-either completely withdrawn or distracted or crying like a banshee into his chest and then the anger came. I was angry at the world coz she was gone-sometimes i took it out on him, sometimes I hurt him by saying the wrong thing without meaning to etc. Then i started to have anxiety, panic attacks etc i know it was very hard for him and still feel guilty for making all my problems his but he stayed strong through it all, was there every step of the way waiting patiently for me to bounce back and be normal again. That kind of man is a keeper. Im sorry but i dont think yours is

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