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Destined to be alone


lunatrix

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Does anyone else feel like they are just destined to be alone? I have dated a multitude of guys. I've never had a single relationship last longer than 6 months. The guys always end up cheating on me and/or leaving me for another girl. When I ask what I did wrong they say "nothing" or "I don't want a serious relationship" then I find out they cheated or they are dating their ex etc. I know that people are better than me, nobody is ever going to be the best in the world, but it seems like everyone has their "number one" the "great white buffalo" the person that they would do anything for to be with. Out of the multitude of guys I've dated, my most recent ex is that to me. I have NEVER had chemistry so strong with one person and I would get back with him in a heartbeat (he broke up with me to chase after his ex). He recently contacted me because his ex he was chasing started dating someone else so he wanted a hookup). And that's it. All the guys I date eventually come back around but just because they want affection/attention/sex, never that they miss me and realize what they missed out on. I feel like I always give and never receive anything, I go out of my way for these guys and am a damn good girlfriend, I cook for them, give massages, spoil them with attention, everything. And I'm not saying the guys I date treat me wrong, they are great and everything is great for the first few months but then out of nowhere they cheat or break up with me for another girl. I'm always the rebound or somebody's second choice, I have never been someone's "first place", I've never had someone try to fight to be with me. I used to have self-esteem and depression issues which I got help for, but it still hurts so much to think that I'm just going to be this rebound girl. I've never had a guy tell me he loves me. I don't know how much longer I can put up with loneliness and hopeless feeling. I honestly feel like I am just destined to be this way, that I am not worthy of being loved.

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I feel like I always give and never receive anything, I go out of my way for these guys and am a damn good girlfriend, I cook for them, give massages, spoil them with attention, everything.

 

You need to read this and stop overgiving to people: link removed Also you need to take a good hard look at the kind of men you're dating and whether or not you're ignoring red flags and just pushing ahead with a relationship when you know deep down there's something not right. Find self-respect and self-esteem and demand it of others and don't overgive. Act confident even if you don't feel it, you're likely giving out signals of loneliness and "I'll do anything for you" and the wrong sort of people pick up on that then flock to you.

 

There's nothing wrong with you except that you are somehow letting the wrong types of people into your life then showing them you'll bend over backwards for them, which just lets them know they have someone they can mistreat. So stop it. Not all guys are like that, but the bad ones (girls too) make it a point to look for people they can use and discard. Sorry, but it's true and you have to do a bit of hard work and analysis to find out why you're attracting and attracted to guys who aren't available in the first place. And if he's never said he loves you and an ex-girlfriend is in the picture then I'm sorry, there are other red flags you ignored or glossed over to begin with. Learn to recognize them, stop giving these guys the time of day. Then you'll find someone who is actually worthy of your love.

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You sound like an amazing girl! Well here is my insight/perspective on the matter. I've always fallen hard for girls that made me work hard, girls that didn't give me their undivided attentions, girls that had guys lined up after me. Of course over time I learned that is wasn't love or even attraction that made me chase after them, rather it was my ego. A lot of these girls pursued me and I only started finding them attractive when they cut off their attention to me. Those relationships were explosive in a good but much more often bad way.

 

My gf now is the opposite of that and more resembles you. I pursued her and when we started dating it felt different then from my other relationships, it didn't start out as intense. I even questioned how I felt about her because of this but she made me feel safe and loved. The way I feel about her now far trumps what I felt in my past relationship save one. We don't ever fight, we compliment each other well, the list goes on and on.

 

Yet in the strongest bond I have ever had, I contemplated breaking up with her in the beginnings. Crazy right?

 

So my advice to you is to either cut down on your willingness to please or wait for a guy to realize how amazing you are.

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I am extremely confident in myself, almost to the point of narcissism. I know I am a catch, I'm above average in looks and intelligence, nice, funny, outgoing. When my friends and I go out to bars I rarely get hit on because I've been told that I'm extremely intimidating with my looks/confidence combination. I love myself and know what I like in guys. When I said a relationship is great, I mean it is GREAT, me and the guy have tons of fun, a lot in common, spend time together but don't suffocate each other, etc. Maybe I do "overgive" and it's too convenient but I am not easy and do not just throw myself at any guy that gives me attention or wants to date me. I'm very selective and have dated guys from 2 years younger than me to 10 years older than me. My main thing is I am NOT going to play games. I will not play hard to get because I am extremely blunt with people, telling them I like them when I do, and I don't like headgames. I am a people-pleaser by nature, I cannot help it, I just like doing things for people because I like to make others happy, not just boyfriends but friends as well. I guess what really bothers me is how people I see that cheat and argue and lie are the ones that end up in long-term relationships and I'm sitting here all awesome and with all this love to give but alone.

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I'm glad you have found such a great girl and realized what you had, Brian

 

Thank you both for the replies

 

You are, without a doubt a catch, people are just dumb.

 

There was an experiment done to study the effects of positive reinforcement. There was one scenario in which a test subject was consistently given an award for every time they completed the task and another scenario in which the test subject was awarded sporadically and randomly for completing the task. It turns out that inconsistency was a stronger motivator, which could explain gambling addictions and addictions to relationships with severe highs and lows.

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Does anyone else feel like they are just destined to be alone? I have dated a multitude of guys. I've never had a single relationship last longer than 6 months.

 

I can give you some real advice if you are ready to hear it. First things first, you are 23 so stop stressing like its the end of the world, young one. Second, maybe you selection in men is piss poor. Third, sounds like you still have self esteem issues if you find that you are always giving up too much in the relationship and view yourself as a rebound. It could be that your behavior in the relationship is making these men chase harder to keep women. Men like a chase, they like women who they have to work to keep, if you are too available then that quickly becomes a turn off.

 

Sometimes the reasons relationships don't last long is because of the things that people do in the relationship. Eventually as we get older we will learn what things work and what doesn't work in a relationship, as with everything else in life.

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