Jump to content

Dating after breakup: Low self-esteem


whatever1607309243

Recommended Posts

Hi. I started posting in these forums after I broke up with my girlfriend, a six year old relationship that ended in a second. The relationship wasn't healthy, I can see that now. I think that it was really hard on me because she would reject me emotionally and physicaly when I approached her. I think that for a long time I felt that I wasn't enough, that I wasn't worth it. I've tried dating a little bit, as part of the healing process, but I am filled with doubts. I have been seeing this girl who. whenever we're out, gets really close, is very affectionate, the conversations are all really intense. And then she dissapears for two weeks, appreaing to do it all over again. Of course, the mixed signals play on the insecurity and really mess me up. On the other hand I can't 'give it up' because I feel the need for some emotional connection, even when I am not looking for someone with whom I can have a long term realtionship as the one that just ended. I feel really lost, self esteem lower than it's been in years, probably.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi there

 

How long is it since you broke up? However long it is, perhaps you still have bits of that relationship going on in your head.

 

I'm not sure that dating as part of the healing process really works (though that's just my 2cents). I think you need to be either recovered or a long way to being recovered from a relationship before you can really start dating. Dating is great, and can certainly be a distraction, but depending on how much baggage you still have from your previous relationship... you may not be giving either yourself or the other person a fair chance.

 

Can you talk with this girl you're seeing, and also include asking gently why she seems to disappear sometimes?

Perhaps things are going on for both of you that you're trying to deal with in your own ways at this time.

 

Be kind to yourself, and good luck!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks for the kind words. Not a long time, actually. Three months give or take, can't remember clearly. I think that most of the baggage has more to do with feeling constantly rejected by my ex rather than actually missing her or the relationship with her. I've been trying to get up on my feet. Started a band, been playing in another, I'm going to the gym. Always have suffered from anxiety and I guess I tend to second-guess myself a lot. I have generally managed it. It's just that right now I feel I'm going on a downward spiral.

 

I guess I could talk to her about it. I texted her some time ago and got no response, but like last time, I suppose she'll come around in some time. It doesn't strike me as if she's playing many guys, or that she is hooked to the attention of, again, a cadre of followers. I asked around a bit and friends told me she is kinda like that with everything, very intense when she is at it but easily gets dispersed. I think that if I were healthier, emotionally, I wouldn't have so much of a problem with her missing like that. Like I said, what concerns me is this feeling that it is somehow my fault, I'm not sure what to do about that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dont patch your wound with dating to early. quite often you can fall head over heals in a rebound by just subcontiously moving your love from your ex to the new girl, and if you havebnt freaked her out by being to intense to early then you could find yourslef in a relationship that you dont necesarly think is right later on down the line.

 

My advice, dont patch your wound, pull off the bandade and let air get to it and heal naturaly. in the long run your wound will heal with a smaller scar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh and good work with the gym. exercise is great therapy. i got cheated on by a girl after being in a relationship for 6 years. i was single for 3 months and got straight into another 2 year relationship. that just ended too. When i look back it i realise it ended becasue i portratde myself as a person i was not. i hurt alot in the 2 year relationship and when the hurt went away i noticed the spark in the new relationship did too.

 

Enjoy the single life for a while. in time you will find the right person. Happiness is a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will ellude you. Focus you attention on other things and the butterfly will come sit gently on your shoulder.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had very low self esteem after my break up and I would recommend trying to avoid dating. Reason being that whilst it can help if it goes well, if it doesn't and someone isn't interested it will further depress and upset you. So you need to be good to yourself, the gym, friends etc before dating again

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had very low self esteem after my break up and I would recommend trying to avoid dating. Reason being that whilst it can help if it goes well, if it doesn't and someone isn't interested it will further depress and upset you. So you need to be good to yourself, the gym, friends etc before dating again

 

I agree with Reflex. I tried dating way too soon after my breakup last year. Now that some time has passed and I can reflect not only on my breakup but also some of the early dates I went on post breakup...I can see that dating too soon did me more harm than good. I remember the girl I dated after my ex...I laid it on too thick with the text messages and (understandably, from her standpoint) scared her away. Now that I'm over my ex, I approach each date/the communication in between a lot more calmly. And I don't feel bad if things don't work out because I know there will be more opportunities.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes we create exactly what we most fear and I can see how you're doing this. You said you hated that feeling of being "not worth it" (I can relate to that feeling)....so then you go and get in a relationship with perhaps someone very different on the surface but who leaves you feeling the same way. Then you conclude, "wow, I must REALLY 'not be worth it'...two girls treated me the same way". Its not true but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. The trick is to get in your head, whether through yoga, meditation, prayer, a gratitude journal, watching "The Secret" or listening to anything by Ekhart Tolle....about how we create our own reality.

Your "reality" is that "you're not worth it" so you subconsciously seek out situations that will be a reflection of that. Just like looking in the mirror...you expect to see the image of yourself you usually see every other day. You look to see "not worth it" by virtue of the situations you CHOOSE to be in.

This girl "disappears"...is that okay with you? If not, why are you dating her? Do you HAVE to date someone and this is your only option?

I suggest being alone until you can resolve some of those "not worth it" feelings. I've been there, guy...you can change it all around!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...