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I'm confused about this girl, can't really understand what's going on


Black Sky

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Hi there

 

I'll start saying something about me first: I'm 23 and I'm attending my last years of university and currently living in an apartment with 1 guy(25, uni student) and 2 women (Mother and daughter(28), workers). I'm a loner, spend most of my time alone with my activities and rarely socialize. From my own perspective, I'm below average looking and I spend most of my time thinking and thinking and overanalysing.

 

I've never been in a romantic relationship and I got no experience with women. My conversations with girls are limited to greetings and formal chit-chat, nothing more. This is because I don't open up with people and, considering that some girl tried to use me in the past for accademy reasons without success (I'm smart in my field and I'm also not blind; I know when a girl is talking to me just to get something out of me and then ignore me completely), I grew more careful and aware of my surroundings. I also don't need to experience things first hand; I also learn from other's experiences and I see a lot of betrayals, abusing, lies and I've become very paranoid about it, to the point that I trust NO ONE.

 

Now, this girl living in this apartment is pretty enough and quite open, often comes to visit me in my room and talk for 30+ mins. Unfortunately I'm a good listener and maybe, because I look like someone caring a lot about what you are saying, she feels like talking even more.

 

One day, seeing me going to university without having had any breakfast, she gave me a snack and insisted on me taking it. I accepted the offer.

1) Why would she care that much after only 1 week we met? Or is it normal and she was just being nice?

 

Days keep passing by and this girl, seeing me concentrated on studying, offered to clean my room. I was like "Hey, don't worry, I'll do it myself in a while" but she insisted and eventually got on her foot to clean it, while talking to me for another good 30min. Even though I'm an introvert and a loner, my private space isn't that easily accessible and I do not consider my room much of a private space and didn't mind it.

2) Why would she go as far as to clean my room? Was she searching something in particular, like some hint on "suspect wet piece of paper"? Or was it another "nice act" ?

 

Some other day I had to do the laundry; she kindly explained me how to do it, but I already knew how. After having washed my clothes, I put them outside to dry them; since I'm not such a graceful male, my clothes were hanging like dead bodies. I went to university and, when I came back, I found them hanging all tidy (someone had clearly put them "on place"). In the evening, she reminded me to retire the clothes and offered to help me (more like she forcefully helped me straight away, even though I was telling her to stay inside, since it's cold as antartica). With a careless face, I asked her if she had "interveneed" and she confirmed.

3) Why would she go out of her way to tidy things up for me? Did she want me to acknowledge she had interveneed, as to see If I paid attention?

 

When she was feeling down because of low pressure, she came into my room and asked if I knew some remedy; I googled something and suggested her some hot coffee/thea, together with an intake of vitamins. It looks like it worked.

4) Was a girl for the first time relying on me or was it another excuse to start talking for another good 45min?

 

Until now it's all cool and I wouldn't have even come here; I'd have just waited a little more to see how it evolved. However, she also talks to the other guy, who instead is focused on his work/study and ignores her or tells her off (in a joking way). For some reason, the more she's told off, the more she wants to stay in his room (and actually stays there), teasing him. It has come to the point that, during the day, whenever she sees me, she starts talking about what she did, what a ty day at work she had, and other things I usually unwillingly listen to. When the other guy gets back home, she's all ready to tease him up and stays closed in his room for 1h, teasing him (I hear some laugh).

 

This is the first time I actually thought to have a chance with a girl, a girl that isn't seeking me for some advantage... or so I was inclined to think. What I fear is that she sees me more as his personal listener and uses me just to vent all her . Conversations are turning more into a monologue, we never really touched and she doesn't tease me (maybe because I'm always available). Also, today she even talked to me about her ex boyfriend who she has been with for 4y and how they grew apart as he was focused on his job and preferred the career to her. Why would she talk to me, a potential partner, about her ex? Is she telling me off? Yet, why is she doing all those things for me (all this happens simultaneously; her teasing the other guy and her "silently???" helping me or whatever).

 

Staying alone for all this time out of fear to waste my time (because I'm obsessed by time and how I use it; I try not to waste even 1 minute) on uncertain relationships, I got no experience in this field. I don't know if she's interested or if she's just being overly much nice and at the same time is actually more interested in the other guy. The thing is, I think I'm becoming jealous even though we are nothing to each other. At this point, I'd rather prefer her to ignore me, so that I knew for certain I had no hope. But if she keeps acting like this and confusing me, I torture myself and slowly start building hate for her. Yes, I'm starting to hate her.

 

Could you lend me your hand? I don't have anyone to ask anyways. Let me know if my analysis was correct and if, in fact, she sees me more as a friend/sandbag she can vent all her stuff rather than a guy. Because if it's just as I predicted, then I'd rather keep my hopes low and concentrate on my activities (because yes, I've interrupted those too).

 

If you need more information, ask

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I think she sees you more of a friend that she can vent to. I can relate because I talk to all my friends about their problems, and all my friends are girls. I enjoy being there for them and thm trusting me enough to vent, and they usually like that i'm there for them, so they will introduce me to some friends so it all works out for me fine.

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Then why is she being so nice to me and go as far as to clean my room or even tidy up my stuff? I'm very careful with my private space and hide it very well where noone can access it, but I think someone else might have felt his space invaded.

 

This is what confuses me: why is she going to such lengths and yet never make physical contact or "tease" me (even though we make loads of eye contact, which I thought was normal until I recently discovered that many people avert their eyes)? Maybe ignoring her like the other guy does is actually a better way to engage girls. Then it's true that girls prefer a.ssholes and ignore "nice" guys (I'm a loner but I'm always kind and available when someone seeks me; is this perhaps what's impairing me from building any meaningful relationship? Perhaps being "nice" is not the right way... it sounds so illogical that I can't make myself act like a .

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No no no. Being an ass is definitely the wrong way to get girls, dude. I am a super nice guy and I get more than enough attention from women. The thing I feel you may be missing is reading her body language. After your second post it would seem as though she might actually like you, and she is showing it by tidying up for you, talking to you a lot etc etc. Maybe she's waiting for you to make the first move physically.

 

I do believe however people often want people who aren't available all the time, so if you really wish to build some sort of physical relationship with her, I'd say make yourself less available. Don't by any means just ignore her, but playfully tell her that you would like to take care of some pressing issue, and offer another time to hang out. Also, I think you should open yourself up a bit more to her, you are like a mystery to her since she does all the talking, and if you can make yourself relate to what she's talking about, then you start building rapport with her, and her interest in you will likely increase.

 

Don't fall into the cliché of nice guys finishing last. Sure a.holes get girls more often, but that's not because they are a.holes....it's because they have the balls to make the first move. You can be a nice guy, and still have enough confidence to initiate physical contact.

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Don't be someone you are not. Sometimes being friends first is the best way.

My bf did projects for me around my house for 2 years before he asked me out!

And by then we were such good friends...but in the beginning it was just friends.

It wasn't until towards the end that there was flirting.

 

As you tend to over think...and are a good listener...try sharing stuff about yourself as well.

Make it a conversation... not a monologue. Its always nice to have a new friend.

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What if I try to make physical contact and then she freaks out/gets creeped, confirming that she was seeing me just as a friend/sandbag and not expecting it? I'll have to live in this apartment with her around for another 9 months; it would feel extremely awkward, you get what I mean? The thing is that I don't know WHEN to make that first move. I've never been in this kind of situation and I feel I got high chances of screwing up somewhere.

 

Also, about body language, I read something around and:

she's not biting her lips

she seems very calm/at ease when talking to me (and probably is like this with everyone, even though I don't know how she acts with her friends, since she exits rarely)

she keeps eye contact (and so do I)

when she sits(like on a table or my bed) to talk, her feet are either rocking or are crossed

she doesn't seem shy or embarrassed at all

 

all signs that she isn't flirting... from what I read around, at least

 

Oh, I had forgotten: today she knocked again to my door and came to offer me some snack and talk for another 20min. To pause a bit, I went out from my room to drink some water, but this didn't stop her; the conversation continued in the kitchen, until dinner time saved me from mouth muscular pain. Of course, when the other guy got back, she went up to him and he started teasing her a little bit, like by suggesting me not to taste her food because it sucks (which implies that she offered him some homemade meal and he ate her food). Oh ye, this guy came to this apartment 1 month before me.

 

What troubles me the most is how she acts with the other guy though. I might be pessimistic, but I predict she'll end up talking to me about the other guy and eventually ask me what I think "he thinks about her". I'm like 98% sure this will happen, 100% guts feeling. At that point, beside landing the final blow on the built up hopes, I wouldn't know how to dismiss her anymore. It would be beyond ironic.

 

EDIT

@Mhowe

I can openly say that I don't consider any of my "acquaintance" a friend. I'm probably the most loyal person you could find, even willing to lend a hand to someone I could consider a friend; I'd accept this kind of relationship but as long as it's not one-sided. From my experience, "friends" are there when they need you. Other than that, they are just "companions", "buddies" you joke around with but who you wouldn't risk your life for (or even help when in need).

 

With time I grew even more untrusting of people and, as of today, I'd say I've lost all faith in humanity.

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Why not just accept that right now she is comfortable and sees you as a friend. Let their flirtation play out, if that is what it is. I would rather a long term friend than a short term dating scenario.

And it is lunacy to try and date a housemate anyway!

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You're being entirely too analytical. If you initiate physical contact, and she is like "whoa buddy" then you'll know. It won't be awkward unless you think it will be awkward. I don't know she seems to be sending mixed signals, but through the white noise it seems that she just enjoys messin around with people. From what I've read it would also seem that she may be more interested in the other guy.

 

Why don't you ask the other guy what's up with her, and if he's not interested in her, you should tell him that you are interested. I bet he would be able to help you hook up with her.

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for some reason my post got eaten

 

@Mhowe

I have very high standards for what you call a "friend"; I'm very loyal and would be willing to engage in such a relationship, as long as it's not onesided. From my experience, "friends" seek you when they are in need and ignore you when you need them. I tend to call them acquaintances and see them as nothing more than companions/buddies to joke around with but that I wouldn't risk my life for /lend a hand to.

 

I can state that I currently consider noone a friend. I have acquaintances.

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1- Nurturing personality

2- Ocd

3- Ocd

4- She didn't have any reason not to rely on you, besides, she was on a fragile position.

 

 

I think that mostly she's fishing around, seeing who baits. Wether it's you or your other roomie, I don't really think she cares that much.

 

Look at it on a bright side, she's trying to make friends with you. Reciprocate, don't just play dead there... You say you are available, but if you don't interact, she could be talking to a dog instead and feel no difference ¬¬. There your other roomie scores a point over you, because by teasing he shows he's been paying attention to her (not necessarily the way she'd prefer, but whatever), while you show... nothing.

 

 

And no time spent building a relationship is lost. It's like building sand castles in the beach - sometimes the wind puts it down, sometimes it's the sea, sometimes it's the people walking by. But in the end, that was just preparing you to build larger and more solid things.

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So I won't get anywhere as long as I act according to my true personality. I have to go out of my way to tease her, even though I'm the peaceful kind of person who doesn't like being disturbed and that therefore does not disturb/annoy others.

 

Also, when we talk, we usually exchange opinions and I give her some tips... when she lets me do so. Yesterday she just did all the talk herself, saying how unhappy she's at work and how many a.holes she meets etc... I could just "comfort" her in the end because I had nowhere to intervenee, while paying attention to her. I'm not that passive but sometimes I just don't have anything to say. I mean, you had a bad day, okay uhm, so what? I have those too but do not complain and keep going. I also understand that not everyone is like me though, and try to be considerate and act out of my character not to be rude, but sometimes it's really hard.

 

I'm trying to be my true self around her, but it's introvert vs extrovert. By nature I really talk little, hate chit chat and just say the minimum necessary. The first time we met we discussed topics like religion, politics, psychology, which somehow attract me and so there was a lot of sharing. But lately, most of the talk concerns her and from what I've read, it's normal for girls to talk a lot. Beside lending a ear, I can't seem to do much more; maybe toss some "ye, I see, I understand, it must be hard on you, don't give up". I have no sincere other suggestions and I don't like lying of feigning. In fact, if this will involve me acting too much out of my character, I don't think I'll keep up with her. I prefer to remain my true self and act as my true self. For too much time I've not been myself (during school years, in order to "survive") and I'm not reverting back to that.

 

I guess it's a dead end, thanks anyways for your support and answers; it gave me more insight on the matter. If you have anything else to add, please do so, but I suppose that's it.

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Sounds like you have things pretty much figured out. If you have to pretend to care about what she thinks, then I'd go ahead and say it's not worth pursuing. My advice came from my personality. I'm an extremely empathetic and understanding person. Even if I don't necessarily agree with everything somebody says, or does, I can at least try to understand why they have said/done it based on their life experience and other factors. I'd say just be friends with her! maybe something will blossom naturally in the future. Good luck buddy.

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She just went out with the other guy to buy some stuff. I wasn't invited at all; they just asked if I needed something.

 

Also, I don't know much the other guy and, even though he's friendly, that's it. I would never ask him any favor; I just would have liked to make it on my own without any "physical" push, just gathering information from other people experience but I was late.

 

I'd be better off earning some money and not think about this stuff; this way I can access easy "services" without much effort and any "feelings" involved... after all it's all a matter of thermodynamics and kinetics: the lowest energy state wins.

 

Thanks for your attention and sorry for having uselessly bothered you, I'm done.

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