I would like a female's view on this ...

[Shearer99]

over five weeks ago me and my soulmate split, it was kind of her decision... a few weeks prior she admitted to me (after having lied) that she had slept with someone ... it hit me hard, and three weeks later I was still unable to give her any clarity as to how I felt about her and about us, I felt something had died, and that my heart wasnt pulling me in the right direction ... the uncertainty was killing her so she ended it and said she didnt want friendship ... she was very pushy about wanting to know how I was feeling, so I did feel a little pressure instead of being allowed to heal and get over it properly ... it was all done over the phone as we are long distance

 

a week into NC, I messaged her saying I hoped she was ok, and that I was sorry for anything I said that may have upset her and that although I didnt want the split, I respected her decision not to be friends and it was probably for the best and I wished I felt differently etc .. she replied a week or so later thanking me for the message and saying she hoped I was ok and feeling better

 

two weeks later she wished my mother a happy birthday (she has never met her) and I responded in a very friendly upbeat manner, but was brief and thanked her for passing on her wishes

 

a week later or so later, she messaged me again congratulating me on some recent success I had at work which I assume she saw on Facebook ... again I replied fairly upbeat, and came accross unaffected by the break up and was very friendly and thankful to her yet brief ...

 

its been over week since this exchange and I miss her like crazy ... I guess her actions prior to the break up did change my perception of her, but she was my soulmate ... I am not sure if I want to reinitiate contact and I know I need to move on and work on myself but ...

 

Now (ladies in particular) what did her messages mean? is she over me? is she moving on? is she guilty? why contact me over fairly trivial subjects when only weeks prior she broke it off and made it clear she didnt want friendship ... please help me understand thank you

[pl3asehelp]

Your soulmate probably doesn't do another guy.

[tallydoo]

It sounds like she feels guilty. She's tossing you bread crumbs to see if you hate her and to feed her own ego. You need to demand your space (tell her that you don't want to talk to her anymore) and take some time to heal. She slept with someone else, and that's an incredible betrayal of your trust and your relationship. Do what you need to do to heal and move on.

[DancingFool]

Pretty sure soulmates don't go f..king other people behind your back. Have some self-respect and standards, quit calling her your soulmate and call her what she is - a cheater. It will help you move on.

 

Her messages mean that she is testing the waters to see if you are gullible enough, weak enough, stupid enough to accept her cheating ways and still give her the time of day. Total ego trip and manipulative as heck. Tell her firmly that you don't want to hear from her again and be done with her. If she tries again after that, just stick to ignoring her. Don't even bother reading her messages, set your inbox to send them straight to spam and delete without looking. It's the best course of action with people like that and the best way for you to heal and move on.

[superfan]

This is guilt. She feels bad about what happened and wants to reassure herself that she didn't "break you". She also may want to know that you are still "hanging around" in case things with the other guy go south. You are a back up plan right now and if you don't want to stay that way I suggest deleting her from facebook and moving on. I would avoid any and all contact with her if you can. Since you are long distance, that shouldn't be too difficult.

[amipushy]

She isn't telling you that she made a terrible mistake and wants you back so her contact means that she just feels guilty or sorry for you. The best thing you can do is delete her from your facebook or at very least change your setting and/or stop posting stuff on facebook that she can read. The longer you hold on to her, the longer you will take to heal and move on.

[jjkk]

I agree w/ the others, guilt. I wouldn't read anything into it and I also agree, deleting/blocking her from your FB and not responding to any future contact is the best way to go for you. Another thing, as far as soul mates go, I used to think people had one true soul mate in this life, after awhile ( a few relationships/break ups) I've realized most people have more than one. You feel like she is your soul mate and perhaps she was for the time you were together. Break contact w/ her so you can heal and when you're ready and the time is right, you will find another one. Best wishes.

[sealharp]

I agree with all of the above....get some dignity my man, and find someone who isn't cheater....."A Bus comes along every 15 minutes" From my experience there are LOADS of women out there who just want a chance to have a man who treats them with dignity and won't cheat on them.

Get out there and make her realise for life what a mistake she made.

[Excelsior]

i was in a very simillar position as you several years ago. I found out my girl of 6 years had cheated on me and only found out 1 week before i was due to travel to Singapore with work. the first few days of finding out were very difficult. i issolated myself. i did however at this point do the worst thing i could of done. i decided to forgive the girl and stay with her. the night before i was due to travel she cried all night, got up at 1 am and wrote a long letter explaining how sorry she was. the morning before i left we hugged it out and explained that when o got back in 4 weeks tinme we would work on this together and get through it. i left knowing that when i got back things would be good.

 

All of the above was a man heartbroken by a trauma of findng out his girl had cheated on hi,. the decisions we make when we hurt quite often are driven by the heart and not the head. i knew deap down that the trust would never be there agian. i knew that i would only end up getting hurt in the long run.

 

While i was away the skypes were getting shorter and shorter, tct message exchanges were different and distant. one evening i stayed up until 12pm so i could talk to her (different timezones)

i explained that i needed to know she was sure she had made the right decision by staying with me and that its was what she REALLY wanted. 2 days later she dropped the bombshell. we were breaking up and she was going to go back with the guy she had cheated on me with.

at this point i was the most alone and vunarable i had ever been in my life. my nearest relation was over 20,000 miles away and i had know one to talk too. i also had a reasobaly high profile job i had to sustain for a further 3 weeks. i lost nearly 2 stone of wieght and i can comfortably say this was the most traumatic experaince i have ever been through.

 

Sorry for the ramble but the point is this. had i held my head up taken a breath and asked myself if this was really right and thought with my brain rather than my heart, i could of saved myself all that heart ache. keep your dignity!

 

6 months later i had met a girl and was happier than had ever been, and to this day i still regret not making the decision to split becasue in the long wrong it only ended with me hurting more.

[sharky988]

It's time to go No Contact. What she's doing now is trying to friendzone you so she feels less guilty for cheating.

 

No Contact will let you heal from the shock of what's happened and eventually move past it.

 

But it means no more Facebook -- you must *BLOCK* her so she can't see your posts and you can't see her's -- and block her on all other social media sites you use. If she continues to reach out in "harmless" ways, you can let her know that you're taking some time without contact so you can move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[Shearer99]

dear all, thank you so much ... I was a little overwhelmed at the honesty and maturity and sincerity of the advice you have given me ... can I say that you really have made me feel better and think with a bit more clarity ...

 

I am minded at present to delete her from Facebook, and also a few mutual friends (i.e. her friends) .... but I have never had to do something like this before about someone who I do (admittedly) care for still, very much ... I know what you will all say, in that I shouldnt care about her feelings or what she thinks, but its not easy to not think about how she will react if I did delete her from Facebook (there is so much we shared on there) ... so once I have deleted her and her friends, how is she likely to react .... please give me some insight, not that it will deter me from doing it because I am on the verge of pressing "Unfriend" ... wish me luck

[DancingFool]

Good luck. Just keep in mind that she didn't think much about how it would make you feel when she cheated on you. She might feel sad, she might feel remorse, she will likely understand very well why you did it, she might realize there are consequences to bad actions, BUT she might just be done with you and not really be bothered at all because she has already checked out of what you two had a long time ago.

[sharky988]

HER feelings have nothing to do with why you need to block her from Facebook and all other social media sites you use. It's for YOU -- so that you know she's not able to see your posts and there's no way you can see anything about her life there. It's for your healing.

 

Monitoring an ex's Facebook wall has been proven to delay your healing. Read this article about it:

 

Mind you, you need to BLOCK HER.... not merely "unfriend" and not merely "delete" and not just hide her newsfeed. BLOCK her -- and all mutual friends.

 

It's time to let it go and start healing for real!!

 

As to how she'll react.... no one knows and you should try not to care. She's put herself first and it's time for you to do the same and put YOU and YOUR healing above any fears you have of offending someone who cheated on you!

[varkolak]

Why the F*CK are YOU apologizing to her? Man up! She CHEATED on you!

[Mesemene]

As to how she'll react.... no one knows and you should try not to care. She's put herself first and it's time for you to do the same and put YOU and YOUR healing above any fears you have of offending someone who cheated on you!

 

SO much this.

 

She screwed the pooch. Keeping in light touch is just letting her soothe her guilt and reassure her you're still there.

 

Well, you're not, or shouldn't be, there. Cut what ties are there cleanly, delete her ringtone, take down pics, you know the drill.

 

She's no longer there for you in any meaningful way - and goodness knows you don't need breadcrumbs or bits and pieces cluttering up your head holding you back from moving on. Everything you hold on to or let her keep tied up is an invisible weight holding you back from moving on - so make a clean break, and start rebuilding yourself.

[CleoC]

I understand why you call her your soulmate. I've been hurted too and still think we were meant to be and that stuff.

But you need to focus on you now. She made a horrible mistake by cheating on you so you don't need to worry about what she feels if you block her. You need to put you and your happiness first.

 

I wish you luck. You deserve better.

[Shearer99]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts ... I did *delete* her from Facebook ... and then surprise surprise, the day after (I came accross her profile via one or two mutual friends' profiles who I saw on my news feed) she changed her profile pic of her in a very cute and loveable pic (she seldom changes her profile pic)... I was a little softened by this and she looked cute and loveable as always but it was temporary I guess, and I swiftly took steps to fully *block* her ...

 

Anyway, yesterday, I was browsing through my contacts on a voice-calling ap, and (as I still had her number on my phone) I saw that she had just changed her profile pic on there as well ... to (wait for it) a "selfie" of her with a new hairstyle, exactly the hairstyle that I had always asked to have (curly hair with short at the back)....

 

I instantly deleted her number from my phone, so now all these traces are gone as well ... but ...

 

I cant help but think whether she is trying to get my attention? and if so, what is she expecting me to do? I mean I am not going to contact her ... so why try to get my attention? if she is trying to that is? what do you think ladies (and men)? just curious as always ...

[lerenard]

STOP wondering what are her intentions now. When her intentions still were your businesses because you dated, they included cheating and lying to your face.

You keep apologizing to her, while SHE is the one who broke everything. And she feels amazing because of that. She cheated, she lied, still you take all the blame and wonder if she wants you back? Man, she broke up with you, and now you think she tries to get your attention? Your attention matters for her only because she knows you still love her and you can boost her ego.

[sharky988]

Congratulations on doing the full BLOCK! That's a big, important step-- so: well done.

 

I cant help but think whether she is trying to get my attention? and if so, what is she expecting me to do? I mean I am not going to contact her ... so why try to get my attention? if she is trying to that is? what do you think ladies (and men)? just curious as always ...

 

IF she has anything important to say to you, she'll find a way to say it.

 

The goal of going No Contact and blocking her everywhere (including on your phone!) is to stop her from being able to torture you with quick easy mindless breadcrumb communications whose only purpose is to see if she's still got you on the line as a possible Plan B backup option....

 

Don't worry: if she ever has anything IMPORTANT to say, she won't need Facebook or texting to say it.

 

If she DOESN'T have anything truly important to say? You don't need to hear it.

[Shearer99]

I havent apologised to her, I havent even contacted her all I was wondering was whether she was trying to get my attention by her moves, and if so, why she would try to get my attention and what she expects me to do ... I know I know its a little soppy and weak to be having these thoughts but as part of the healing process, its extremely difficult to switch off thoughts and feelings, which I think gradually flow away (its not like a light switch) ... so as part of the process, i think it helps to openly question certain actions of your ex to help gain an understanding of how you feel and how you want to feel going forward ... so please try not to be too aggressive, and understand that instead of contacting her and asking, I am in fact reaching out to my virtual friends for some clarity ... a lot of it has to do with learning to understand how women work/think so that this will help me in the future ... thank you and please, no need to be aggressive ... if my posts annoy you, please move on and read someone else's post ... I think I am being as mature as I can be, merci x

[lerenard]

I'm not trying to be aggressive, sorry if it came out like this, and yes - we can give you 10000 options on WHY and IF and WHAT she expects. But I think mostly, you will get something along the lines of "plan B", "breadcrumbs" and "ego boost". We can`t crack her head open and see what her intentions are.

If I would break up with somebody after I cheated on him, that means I couldn't care less about that person, and I for sure wont consider him being my soul mate.

So surprise her and give as less sh*t about her as you can. I know its hard and it hurts, I had break ups too, but I have no mercy for cheaters ))

[Shearer99]

Thank you Sharky988 ... I am sure in a few weeks or so I will feel a lot better ... of course what she did hurt me and lead to the break-up, but in your opinion, what do you think she felt one I deleted/blocked her and her friends from Facebook? I know I shouldnt care what she feel or thinks and that my thoughts and feelings should take precedence (which they do) but that is not to say that I am completely devoid of thoughts about how she might feel and what she might do, and I guess I just need to lean on the views and experience of people such as yourself to better understand the situation, to learn, and to make sure I dont make any silly mistakes.. Thank you again for your honesty and frankness

[Shearer99]

Thanks Larlequin, I think with being a little raw and a little confused and curious (never been in this situation before) you start to question certain actions and I was just questioning or trying to understand them a little better ... but I know first and foremost I should be thinking about my healing and I am doing that ... but I think part of the process involves questioning actions of your ex so that you can anticipate any next moves and ensure you are well prepared for them ... I certainly will NOT be making any contact with her that is for sure ... but I do wonder whether her actions are an attempt to get me to contact her, in which case I will feel more assured (and heal better) and stronger knowing that I have resisted her attempts (as frail and weak as her attempts might be) ... I hope you understand

[sharky988]

Thank you Sharky988 ... I am sure in a few weeks or so I will feel a lot better ... of course what she did hurt me and lead to the break-up, but in your opinion, what do you think she felt one I deleted/blocked her and her friends from Facebook? I know I shouldnt care what she feel or thinks and that my thoughts and feelings should take precedence (which they do) but that is not to say that I am completely devoid of thoughts about how she might feel and what she might do, and I guess I just need to lean on the views and experience of people such as yourself to better understand the situation, to learn, and to make sure I dont make any silly mistakes.. Thank you again for your honesty and frankness

 

Dude, no one here can tell you exactly what her thoughts or feelings were.

 

I would HOPE that it might have registered in her brain that you are taking a step to protect yourself because your emotional wellbeing is more important to you than any of her petty childish mind-games or breadcrumbs she might want to be shooting your way.....

 

I would HOPE that it would register that because you took that action, it means you're NOT willing to be her spineless doormat begging for any scraps of attention she deigns to send your way....

 

I would hope these things, but honestly -- who knows what she's thinking? People never want to see themselves as the Bad Guy in a breakup.... she's probably got a whole story going on inside her head that justifies everything she did to you.... or maybe she's choosing to simply pretend it never happened?

 

You can be sure of one thing: if she EVER decides to get back together with you, she'll let you know it. You won't have to wonder or guess or try to decipher what a changed profile pic means.... she'll let you know.

[Shearer99]

that was very helpful .. thank you Sharky