30 yrs age difference, baby?

[babylove]

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 51. We've been together for maybe 2 months now, and things are going really great, we probably spend more time together than is healthy but we have a lot in common. He has a daughter my age but she seems to be OK with our relationship, as do the rest of his kids, they're all from 16-20. I was surprised things went so smoothly with that, and with his girlfriend of 14 years that he broke up with for me. I can't say exactly what attracted me to him besides HIM, just like everything he is and talks about and helps me with. He doesn't have a lot of money so it's not like I have an agenda.

 

Actually the problem could be I might have a bit of an agenda. When I fell in love with him I knew we wouldn't last forever although I know I'll always love him on some level, but I don't want to be with him forever. The problem is we want to have a baby someday, but every time we talk about it we keep shortening the time we want to wait, from 3 years to 2, and today we actually had unprotected sex, we figured since I was on my period it would be OK, but I think secretly we just wanted to gamble? I just don't know why I'm being so reckless and recognizing it as it's happening but not changing. It could be cause I'm dissatisfied with my life the way it is and I want to change it, and do something that will cement me as a part of his big family forever. I know I should stay in school to get a good-paying job but academics is hard for me and I would feel like collapsing under all the pressure to pay back loans and find a job in a narrow market.

 

Even if it doesn't happen, I don't think I will ever get over wanting to have his child.

[agent1607307371]

a) Having a child will not cement you as part of his family. It will cement the child as part of his family.

 

b) Having a child because school is hard and work is scarce is not a good reason to have one. In fact, it really contradicts your statement about not having an agenda because it sounds like you want him to support you as a stay at home mum.

 

c) Why would you want to have a baby with someone you don't even see yourself with in the long run?

[tiredofvampires]

So you'd collapse under the pressure of paying back student loans once you've been educated enough to qualify for a good job, but you won't collapse under the pressure of having a lifetime of unskilled job market choices where you're guaranteed a lifetime of poor pay and equally likely unemployment, and besideswhich, you have a child to support as a single mother? You are headed for a lifetime of foodstamps and low-income status, having not prepared for any future. That's not "pressure"?

 

And does he know "you'll always love him on some level" but are mostly with him now to have his child, because you don't feel like you're competent in anything else? Does he know you plan on leaving him at some point, leaving him to his late-middle-age crisis (which clearly has already started)?

 

There are some things in life you can try out because you just want to see what it feels like, and then you can stop and never do it again. Having a baby is not one of those things. It's not a game, and it's not about you, and your desire to have some place where you feel you fit. It's about A NEW PERSON'S LIFE, which will be completely dependent upon you and the choices you do (and don't make) now.

 

If you realize you're being reckless, it's possible to turn around before you get yourself into a situation there's really no turning back from. This will look different when you're 35 and the mother of a teenager, who is screaming at you that you're no one to try to make them get good grades, because you never valued your own education, so why should they. And where the heck is dad these days, anyway? Somewhere, with some 28-year-old, but you couldn't care less because you're estranged from his family years ago. (Or, alternative case scenario, you're on strained speaking terms just for the sake of the child, and the child would rather go live with him because he/she doesn't respect the choices you've made and feels closer to his family.)

 

Right now, it's all just a big fantasy. Life starts hitting you in the face when it becomes real.

[babylove]

thanks for the advice seriously

[lavenderdove]

Yes, he wants to tie you to him. So you'll be in charge of taking care of an old man with no money and no earning power. How are you going to support this child if he's retired and not working and you've got child care costs and need to hold down a job in order to get health benefits for the child because he'll have none since he's not working?

 

And his family that may be "OK" with a young GF may NOT be OK with you having another kid with him and getting what little money he has in child support.

 

I think this is all a bad idea because he may be vital at 51, but the vagaries of aging will settle in soon and you'll be taking care of an aging man and a young child at the same time.

 

My one piece of advice here is that if you do have a child with him, make him marry you so that you can get his social security survivor benefits. if you don't marry him, you'll get nothing at all and his family who is supposedly 'ok' with you might boot you out the second he dies. Very common scenario where they seem OK until there is an inheritance involved or Daddy croaks, then their true feelings about you and your kid will surface and they'll want nothing to do with you.

[QWit]

Ummmmmm, you need to change your mind set.. You are 20 and he is 51.. He has lived a lot longer than you and you are only just beginning to live.. You are barely an adult, but you are ready to purposely give up some of the best years of your life.. So, trading in your education is harder than becoming a single parent? ummm, no.. You got a lot of growing up to do.. I suggest you direct your attention back to what you can do to better your life oppose to making lifetime commitments with a guy you barely know..

[itsallgrand]

It's difficult for you to imagine getting over wanting to have his child right now because you are in the thick of dissatisfaction with what is going for you in your life right now. Once you change that, your feelings and how you see things will change too. Same goes for your feelings for him. You cant say right now how you may feel in the future towards him. You may even look back and dislike him.

 

My one piece of advice here is that if you do have a child with him, make him marry you so that you can get his social security survivor benefits.

 

I completely disagree. First, you would be a fool to have a child right now period. Second, if you marry him, then you aren't only someone who had a kid to fill the void in your life but also someone who married someone else for a free ride too.

 

How about just straightening up your life?

 

Academics may be difficult for you, but everyone is good at something. Do you know what you are good at? And what about your dreams and goals for yourself as a person - can you share any or think of any ?

[pl3asehelp]

This would probably the worst mistake you'll ever make.

[tiredofvampires]

Also, you don't get social security survivor benefits unless he dies. That may be 30 years from now. When you're 50. When your child is grown -- and what will you do in the meantime? And if you marry anyone else during all those years, you'll lose any of this man's social security survivor benefits, and you'll be dependent on your new spouse. Who may divorce you, and then you've got whatever alimony the court gives you, if any.

 

Lots of crap can happen in the next decades of your life that'll be a lot messier and uglier than preparing for a future where YOU are the one who can provide for a child and a family some day.

[Edmund Exley]

This would probably the worst mistake you'll ever make.

 

Wow. Finally something we agree on.

[lavenderdove]

I agree it is a horrible mistake. But she is 20 and besotted with him and already has stopped using birth control. So if she is determined to go down this path, she needs to be practical and make sure that she and the child have some financial protection and from a govt. perspective she has no rights to his pension or social security govt. benefits if she is not married to him. I am not suggesting marrying him now, but if she is unwise enough to get pregnant, she needs to recognize that his family will probably abandon her if he dies.

[Edmund Exley]

I agree it is a horrible mistake. But she is 20 and besotted with him and already has stopped using birth control. So if she is determined to go down this path, she needs to be practical and make sure that she and the child have some financial protection and from a govt. perspective she has no rights to his pension or social security govt. benefits if she is not married to him. I am not suggesting marrying him now, but if she is unwise enough to get pregnant, she needs to recognize that his family will probably abandon her if he dies.

 

Sadly, if she does become pregnant, its the child that suffers hardest if that occurs.

[PetiteGirl]

Please don't. It's only been two months and this man has already shown recklessness and irresponsibility when it comes to birth control. How much do you actually know this man really? And I would question his mentality for dating someone his daughter's age. You have everything to lose. Trust me, academic life is A LOT easier than the life of a single parent.

 

This would probably the worst mistake you'll ever make.

 

And sadly with an innocent baby involved.

[abitbroken]

Please use birth control an better yet break up. YOu don't want him forever, so please leave. Finish your education. Figure out what you want to do with your life after that, then look into dating someone.

[amipushy]

I don't think I will ever get over wanting to have his child.

 

Try harder.

[abitbroken]

Try harder.

 

There will be other guys!! I didn't meet the love of my life til my 30s. When you are 21 or the 22, the pool of guys is even larger.

[Tanzi]

Please stop and think before you make these life changing decisions.

 

You have said that you don't want to stay with him forever? Why? Because you want to end up with someone closer to your own age? That is totally understandable …. so why not wait until that happens before you have a baby. If you know that one day you will settle down with someone else then why not wait. You are only 20, you don't need to tie yourself down (or to this man) for the rest of your life in such a way.

 

Not only that, you have only been together for 2 months and it is too soon to be thinking about starting a family. To be honest, I think this man is being rather selfish. He knows that there are obstacles in your relationship that you may not be able to overcome yet he is willing to influence you towards having a baby at such a young age. He is not thinking in your best interests. You are young and impressionable and I personally think he is taking advantage of that. If he wasn't he wouldn't be having unprotected sex with you.

 

Whatever you think will or won't happen in the future just hold back from making any rash decisions RIGHT NOW because, in time, you could feel completely differently.

[mhowe]

He just booted his gf of 14 years to the curb. Which makes her about your age when he hooked up with her. You will be traded in...in about a decade...for a newer model. And as for the mother of his children...age is long gone. Wake up and smell the coffee!

[SooSad33]

I do NOT know WHY you would even consider having a baby with this man?

You're saying you know you don't want to be with him forever...and the fact he doesn't have a lot of money? ( Look- he's already got some kids)

I think you're both 'acting out' on a selfish level here. Reckless for sure!

 

Why don't YOU get yourself and your life together AND stable first? this sounds ridiculous. And your age gap is so big.

All you are to him, most likely is a plaything. Why dont you two get a grip and REALIZE either of you are taking anything seriously, but by sounds of it, just 'playing'. (especially for it only being a cpl of months).

 

Believe me... try saying all of this in another 6 months or year. (IF you're even still in his life?).

 

IF he as recently split from his ex.. I'm sure YOU are his rebound. So, good luck with thinking this will last a year, they often don't... YOU best be careful and use your head more responsibly.

 

good luck

[Tanzi]

To be honest I can't get my head around any of this

Why would you contribute to splitting up a family when you know you don't want to stay with him? Why would he have left his common law wife if he knows your relationship doesn't have the staying power? Or doesn't he know that is how you feel? Why would bring a baby into the equation? And why so early on in the relationship? This relationship might not last very long at all seeing as its furure is so shakey. It could be over before you've even given birth. This relationship is in its very early stages and could go either way. Wouldn't you rather wait for the man of your dreams to come along to start a family with? Evidently he isn't the man of your dreams otherwise you wouldn't have said that you don't want to stay with him forever. This is all rather bazaar and, yes, reckless indeed.

 

I actually think you want a baby for all the wrong reasons and you've found someome who is equally reckless to give you one.

 

A baby is NOT the answer to your problems.

[lerenard]

What a shocking post. The fact that you are willing to have a baby, that you are sure will have no father in the future, just because you want to have a baby with that man is beyond selfish and immature. And I know age is just a number and so on, but I can`t imagine being a girlfriend with someone old enough to be my father. You are just a child yourself now, just like his kids are to him, and all you want is this man to make you a baby and then dump him or wait till he dumps you for someone even younger.

You've been together for 2 months, and you already think about getting pregnant with him, even though you know you wont last forever as a couple. I would advice you splash some cold water on your face and reconsider your life now and your morals and your values, darling.

 

And why for gods sake would you want THIS guys child? Is he a genius or something, and you hope it will pass to your kid? Its not because of money, and you are not married, so why the hell would you desire to have a child with almost a total stranger, who also happens to be as old as your parents? And why does it feels OK for you to want these things at 20? Gosh...

[abitbroken]

I agree it is a horrible mistake. But she is 20 and besotted with him and already has stopped using birth control. So if she is determined to go down this path, she needs to be practical and make sure that she and the child have some financial protection and from a govt. perspective she has no rights to his pension or social security govt. benefits if she is not married to him. I am not suggesting marrying him now, but if she is unwise enough to get pregnant, she needs to recognize that his family will probably abandon her if he dies.

 

One other point. Just as an aside - if she DOES marry him she probably will not receive his benefits. I know someone whose husband passed away. She is wife #2. Wife #1 received the social security benefits. Wife #1 was married to him for 40 years and had two kids. He left her for wife #2. He was married to wife #2 for 7 years. Wife #2 gets the benefits from the life insurance they bought together but Wife #1 gets his social security benefits, his pension and more. If Wife #1 had remarried, that might be a somewhat different story, but she never did.

 

I hope the OP comes back. I don't want her to feel that she is being bashed - hopefully she will find this educational and come to her senses before tying them together for life and in 5 years regretting she didn't get to do things she wanted to - like finish school, hang out with friends, etc