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Hi,

 

Some of you might have read my earlier post, its been a month since my gf of 4 yrs broke up with me. She got into new college in June, while breaking up she had said "I dont have feelings for you, I am not happy. Find more sophisticated girl for you and dont repeat mistakes which you did in this relationship."

 

After retrospection I have realized that it was somehow my mistake too. Your next reaction would be "You are in bargain stage", but let me explain how i reached to this conclusion. I am feeling guilty and sad for not loving her enough.

 

1) When we were in same city (for 3 yrs) we used to meet only once a month. sometimes even after 2 months, I should have spent more time with her. If she ever said "I cant meet until xyz date because of some reason", I just accepted that and felt fine, while I could have gone to her home or to her school someday just to surprise her. I was never so considerate or thoughtful, she had once said to me "You never gave me surprise visit, i would love that"

 

2) I never met her friends, I never made my friends meet her. I was just stupid. She although made her friends & grandmother talk to me, she used to give treats to her friends on my birthday

 

3) I never kissed her forehead, I have hugged her only few times, never rubbed her hair or back to make her feel good. I always thought of doing this but was always shy in public. While she never waited for me to hug her, without caring about people she just hugged me and held my hand

 

4) 95% of the times she was the one to decide the date's venue, I never knew where should we go. Because I was not very going-out-with-friends kind of person, so I did not know much places for dates.

 

5) On her birthdays or valentine week, I did not give her gifts.. "few greetings + lunch + talking" was my only gift ever. Yes gifts dont equal love, but girls love it. She enjoys giving and receiving gifts, she used to save her pocketmoney to send me surprise gift on birthday.

 

6) She always imagined me with her, she wanted to go to see monuments, boating, gardens with me while I was just a jerk who took her for granted. She had expressed her feelings that she wants to go to boating with me

 

7) Can you believe we dont have even a single photo together? She did not have cam in her phone but I had, yet I never clicked.

 

Even after all of this she was always forgiving, she always understood me and instead of complaining about what I could not give her.. she just focused on what I gave her. When it comes to anger, she is more stubborn than I am. Yet during fights, she always cooled off within few minutes or atmost hours while my anger took 1-3 days to die out.

Yes I have been supporting, caring, good friend, guide, helpful, romantic, loving yet what all I said can not be ignored. Those are the things to bring two people closer and keep the spark.

 

I feel so bad that I did not make enough efforts to keep the relationship going, thats why she feels attracted to sweet guys once in a while. People say I am just trying to bargain, but what all I said is true too.

Friends say "You will meet if you are meant to be", but I dont believe in destiny so much. Is it too late

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Hindsight is 20/20. Just look at it as you now know the things you must work on and be prepared to do, in your next relationship. Good luck to you and don't beat yourself up too much, as now you know. Maybe that was her purpose in coming into your life to show you the things you need to work on.

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Well, sometimes it takes losing someone to realize that you could have did better.. From what you said, yeah, that is definitely enough to make someone feel like they are unappreciated and are taken for granted.. I was in her shoes once.. It truly is hurtful and she may not have said anything at the time, but she really was hurting and build a lot of resentment towards you.. However, in this situation, she is fed up and just want to be free from you.. So what you need to do right now, is give her space and respect her wishes.. She more than likely won't take anything you say seriously or think any of your actions will be genuine at this point..

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No offence, you sound like you were a terrible boyfriend. No pictures, presents, seeing her once a month, never making her a part of your life, and treating the way you did for three years. That's not a relationship. You probably ruined this poor girls confidence. Hope you realize that it takes two people to make a relationship work.

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Well, now you know what to do right with the next relationship. This relationship though, is likely sunk. Even if you are willing to change she'll always have the image of who you were for three years and the types of things you did, yeah they pretty much kill the romance after a while. All I can tell you is to learn from your mistakes, develop good manners in general in how you treat others, and let her go. She likely left you after she found out that your behavior isn' normal typical boyfriend behavior. But in order for you to change you have to really sit down and ask yourself what the root cause of your apathy towards her was--why no gifts on her birthdays or valentine's day, why didn't you ever touch her, why didn't you make more of an effort?

 

It's all good and fine to say "I should have..." but the real trick to never having it happen again is to find out why you treated her that way.

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Hmm.. you all are right, why would she be with me. I know I have been terrible bf, she is a wonderful wonderful girl. Whoever gets her will be lucky to have a loving girl like her, I screwed it big time. I deserve more harsh criticism.

I was always busy building future for us, to day dream and just to be there in need. I was busy doing stuff so that in future I could give her anything she wants, take her for world tour etc.. but in mean time I forgot that before future there is a present which should be enjoyed equally.

 

I just want to confess to her, I just one last time want to say sorry to her.. not because I want to convince her to come back but because I feel a heavy rock on my heart.

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None of the above things mean I am cold towards her or don't love her, I love her to death and so does she (until breakup at least). But its now that I have realized how little things matter which I never did.

How do i convince her that I have understood my mistake she does not want to talk anymore.

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My gf has unblocked me on whatsapp 2 days ago and sent me messages:

 

Day 1:

She: How r u?

Me: Fine

She: Okk

Me: Nice dp

She: Thanks

 

(she went offline & online for couple of times as if checking new messages, then puts on one more beautiful pic of her as dp)

 

Day 2:

She: Hows life?? Job?

 

(I did not reply, she went offline n online again for next 1.5hrs)

 

Many of you suggest, "Until dumper says they want you back, ignore". But sometimes these could be way to break ice? should I reply? Since I too did many things wrong as bf, and now I dont reply I may look cocky. Ofcourse I want her back.

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I find your relationship pretty terrible and I don't know how she stayed for so long. I would feel unloved. Only saw her once a month if that? No photos together? I don't think you really loved her. I just think you miss her now and are confusing that with real love. Love happens in their presence and not just their absence.

 

I wouldn't want to go back to that.

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Yes I was terrible bf but I loved her, I still do.

I feel guilty because now I realized how much she was missing because of my stupidity. You may find it like movie dialog but whenever I was with her, I just thought nothing else except looking into her eyes, admiring her smile. I know I can spend years just seeing her.

 

I know I should have shown love, just loving inside your heart and mind is not enough. More than this breakup, what would hurt me more is if I hear "You did not love her". No matter how it looks, but my feelings for her were and always will be true. But at the end of the day I know it was I who did wrong things that made her took such decision.

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Ok, I have narrowed down all the reasons. But before you read it, I want you to understand that dating & relationship culture works totally differently in my country. Many of my reasons may sound weird and unreasonable to most of you.

 

We are in culture where it is assumed that best decision for child's life partner can be taken by parents, grandparents etc. When the person reaches an age suitable for marriage (say 27), parents start to look for his/her partner through friends and relatives. They setup meetings, see family, their behavior, compatibility etc and thats how decision is taken.

With time and globalization, things are changing slowly. People now choose their own life partners through dating but to marry they have to be rebellion and say to parents that "I am going to marry him/her only no matter what". If a person chooses his/her own life partner, it becomes an issue of shame for parents. That is the reason many couples cant openly roam, go to places, restaurents etc because they are afraid that some relatives may see them. They want to keep it secret until marriage-time comes. That is the reason I too could not go to many places to have fun with my gf. We never went to areas near our homes for the same reason.

 

Even when we go for date, we cant tell at home. We always make some false excuses, "I am going to meet my college friends today". Thats the reason I could not meet her more, giving false reasons every week makes me feel guilty.

 

In public place, if you hug/kiss.. every eye is going to be on you. Even when you stop, people will keep staring at you anticipating what comes next. Showing romantic gestures in public places is not common here. Moreover if a group of loafers happen to notice this, they may follow you or pass dirty comments. I never wanted us to get into any trouble, esp her. So I always refrained doing hug/kiss in public place no matter how much I wanted to. It is my fault, I should have worked it out in whatever way. Heart (esp a girl's) does not understand this, it wants the affection no matter what.

 

I was not good at deciding venues because I never went out much with friends to different places. With friends I just hangout in college, or local markets. We boys can go out just anywhere, what we needed were chairs, table and free time. This is obviously my mistake, if I have gf I should be responsible enough to search.

 

Not giving her gifts, picture together.. they were all my mistakes totally, I just did not give thoughts to them at that time.

 

I still love her, I miss the warmth, her smile, the way she used to show me tongue to mock, her childish voice when she used to eat burger, her scornful face when she hated color of clothes in shopper stop, the way she used to ask me everytime to spread vegetable filling evenly on bread for her, her moist eyes whenever she thought of future without me, her hair, her small lips, chatterbox.

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