Emotional roller coaster trying to fly off the tracks

[Diggums70]

It's been almost a month since she dumped me (is it encouraging that I'm not sure exactly of the date?), and have been in NC for almost two weeks. I feel much better overall now than I had earlier on, but some days...

 

I'll be at work after having spent the morning feeling pretty cheerful and like my old sarcastic self - feeling like everything is beginning to subside and the fog is lifting - when about 10:00 am arrives and I realize that it's about time to send her a "good morning, how are you?" text. I then realize that sending that text is now the job of her new man, the one she began to cultivate in the weeks before kicking me to the curb. Of course these sorts of revelations are tremendously painful. I spend half my time angry - so angry that I want to drive to wherever the two of them could be found together and beat the ever-loving sh!* out of them (no, I'd never do that) - while the other half of the time is spent in a deep sadness.

 

I hate not being able to count on myself. I KNOW that the person I'm in the process of flushing out of my heart isn't really worth half the trouble I'm going through. I KNOW that I'd slap a friend accross the face for putting up with what I did for eight years. I KNOW that what I've seen here is evidence that this woman I gave my heart to has absolutely no regard for me (anyone, for that matter) when it comes to her getting her needs met, and all respect for her is out the window.

 

And yet, I sometimes I find my mind wandering in the direction of winning her back(?)

 

Is this somewhat normal? I know there are lots of people who are able to overcome splits like this in better shape, and I acknowledge that my self esteem is lower than that - indeed, many would have unloaded this chick YEARS ago - but to go so low as to actually entertain ANYTHING to do with reconciliation!?! I wonder if I'm going insane sometimes. I wonder how it is that I can't stick with 100% resolve that it's just. plain. over.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this right now. I'm afraid that the flow of what's written here will be as chaotic as my mind currently feels, as in, making no sense whatsoever. Maybe someone can relate to this, maybe has some advice that will help me click. Maybe it's just therapeutic to have spilled it out in type.

[elsenyor]

you will be filled with contradicting ideas and feelings for a LONG time to come, it's going to suck.... it will feel like an eternity, but it isn't.

 

there's 3 major factors that I've identified in my own healing and it's the same 3 things that everyone preaches:

 

1) GO NC, STICK TO IT (the reason is to wean off the drug, she is a drug just like cocaine, you don't need anymore of that, and if you're in the presence of her or any contact you will stay addicted to the drug)

 

2) WORK ON YOUR SELF (this is what keeps you sane while TIME is going by)

 

3) TIME (Time will bee the only healer, you need lots of it, can't force it, I'm 8 months in and I still need time more of it)

 

#1 and #2 help you grow and go along through TIME.

 

Many analogies will be spread here about your journey, one I liked that someone (I can't remember who or exactly what it was but was similar to this) shared was your emotions are like the tides of waves, the wave will hit you and you'll go down, eventually it'll recede and come back again, each time the tide comes in and out, it gets weaker and weaker, until one day it has such little impact you won't even notice it.

 

In the meantime link removed read it, has tons of useful info, helps you get on your two feet, and it was written by a fellow ENA member.

[elsenyor]

you will be filled with contradicting ideas and feelings for a LONG time to come, it's going to suck.... it will feel like an eternity, but it isn't.

 

there's 3 major factors that I've identified in my own healing and it's the same 3 things that everyone preaches:

 

1) GO NC, STICK TO IT (the reason is to wean off the drug, she is a drug just like cocaine, you don't need anymore of that, and if you're in the presence of her or any contact you will stay addicted to the drug)

 

2) WORK ON YOUR SELF (this is what keeps you sane while TIME is going by)

 

3) TIME (Time will bee the only healer, you need lots of it, can't force it, I'm 8 months in and I still need time more of it)

 

#1 and #2 help you grow and go along through TIME.

 

Many analogies will be spread here about your journey, one I liked that someone (I can't remember who or exactly what it was but was similar to this) shared was your emotions are like the tides of waves, the wave will hit you and you'll go down, eventually it'll recede and come back again, each time the tide comes in and out, it gets weaker and weaker, until one day it has such little impact you won't even notice it.

 

In the meantime link removed read it, has tons of useful info, helps you get on your two feet, and it was written by a fellow ENA member. Keep coming back to ENA also to let your thoughts out, journal, get feedback, share your experiences, etc. Everyone here is willing to help.

[CubbyBear]

8 years and she moves on just like that? She has major co-dependency issues. She is taking no time to heal from the break-up and grow as a person. She is not getting back to herself and being happy again. Instead, she is jumping to the next person to try and erase the pain. and fill the void of you. She most likely knew she could jump into the relationship with this other guy before she let you go. I promise you anything that this current relationship wont last. Pray for her and hope she will eventually learn from her mistakes. If she happens to do so down the road, expect an email/text of her apologizing to ease her guilt. If not, then she'll continue the same patterns and not live her life to the fullest. Either way, it's not your concern. She is taking the short-term happiness route/long-term pain route. You're taking the short-term pain route/long-term happiness route. Keep strong and get back to your happy self. Keep posting when you feel down. We're all here for you.

[SooSad33]

Things are still very fresh for you. Being a month broken up & not long NC?

 

Yes, it's normal for ALL you're feeling & thinking here. You will go through times of very strong thoughts & emotions.

The anger, confusion, sadness, lonliness etc. This will go on for a while....

I am on month 8 of a 5 yr relation and it still stings. Right now I'm feeling more resentment then later sadness resumes again.

 

It's because of our 'loss' It is VERY hard to 'accept' losing one we came to love. Loss is NEVER easy!

 

This is now... these feelings you're having is happening now.. and may again later too. As we 'try' to remove them from our hearts & mind, it is painful to 'let go'. Takes much time. Expect this to go on for a good while..months.

 

Keep going.. and take care of YOU now. One day at a time.

If you're finding it so hard- feel like anxiety is there or depression? You can talk to your doctor for something to help you out with those things- maybe something to 'ease' that anxiety for a while and think on some therapy?

I'm doing both.

 

Take care

[Diggums70]

Hey guys, thank you so much for responding to this - it is wonderful to heart good sense to help clarify that you haven't COMPLETELY lost your mind

 

Elsenyor - your three guidelines for how to proceed are spot-on. I've actually done a pretty good job of following them so far: I spent a good week and a half having some communication with her, but it was all about the logistics of getting her stuff out of my home. The final two tones that I heard anything were of the "are you ok?" and "I'm sorry I hurt you" variety, and I replied to neither.

 

Beyond that I've been hitting the gym HARD! Getting in touch with those fiends who I'd neglected during all that time in lockdown. At the moment all of my motivations feel empty, forced and even spiteful (the gym being a "wait'll you see me NEXT time" and the no contact being the only form of saying "FU" that I will actually be able to live with), but these thing will all produce positive results, so it's ok.

 

CubbyBear - yup, it's a long story that I won't go into here, but she most definitely already had this dude lined up as a landing-pad. This fact has made this fifty times worse for me, and it's clear that she hadn't spent any more time considering how she may be affecting me than it took to fire off those two texts. True, she broke it off with me before "going public" with her new guy, but I'll tell you - even if I had the cojones to allow myself to be swept away by another, I'd definitely try to keep it under the radar for awhile...not the opposite.

 

And regarding codependency - I look back at the whirlwind that it was in the beginning, with her saying "I love you" after only a week and her seizing me like she was staking a claim. I knew in my guts that was something was off with her, but it's a good feeling when you feel like the only man on earth in her eyes. I realized over the years that, for her, everything is about having someone to take care of her. Yes, all of these feeling I've got will subside and I'll one day be able to wish her well without hatred, but I wonder...if she made enough money to live comfortably and learned a few lessons about money management, would that better help her go about these things in a less reckless way? I realize right now that her final little insincere, seemingly caring messages were nothing about caring at all - they were insurance in case her new victim proved not to be as forthcoming as me in the "I need help!" department. That really makes me feel great!

 

Anyway, I think it's easy to see why I'm terrified of those fleeting moments where my brain wants her back. So far, so good on keeping my mouth shut.

 

Apologies if this note is choppy - I typed it on my phone. I thank everyone who takes the time to help me

[Diggums70]

SooSad - thank you for your affirmation that what I'm feeling is somewhat normal. I know, deep down, that it is, but I've discovered myself to be odd in certain ways enough times that it really helps to hear from others.

 

Yes, it is early and I allow myself some room to be in ruins for the moment, I just hate that "time" word so much! It sometimes is like having your arm twisted off of your body and knowing that it won't hurt as bad "in a few months." I just don't want to be completely dominated by this anymore. I want to get to where it's more of an occasional hurt, rather than constant.

 

Yup....time....