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Telling the Ex that You want NC


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I understand how helpful NC is in healing, and that you're doing it for yourself, not as a means to manipulate anyone. After the breakup we wanted to stay friends. Of course that was easier said than done, I learned that the painful way. It has been almost a month since my NC, even if he was asking how I was, I wasn't replying.

 

Partly I feel guilty that I suddenly cut contact without even warning him. Because we did communicate after the breakup as friends. I feel that I owe him a brief "it's better if we don't talk for a while" text if he communicates with me again. Then I'll just resume contact after a year or 2 when I'm really over him. Another part of me also thinks it's better if I just continue with NC, and that he should just sense that I'm still healing.

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I don't know your story but he left you. Now you need to take care of YOU. You don't need to think about what he's feeling right now. He might understand what's happening.

 

Whenever you are ready and you feel you're over him, you can contact him again. But now, take care of your heart and mind. I think you shouldn't break NC at all right now.

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After a month yeah, it's time to let it go. He knows why you aren't responding, just keep to that. Opening up dialogue is a very tricky thing even with a simple "please don't contact me right now" although as Ms. Darcy says if you are prepared for any type of response, or not, that gets tossed at you then go for it. Be prepared for all eventualities including the one where he loudly ignores your text.

 

And toss the guilt in the trashcan where it belongs. I'm not sure why women in this culture all seem to feel so guilty every time we put our foot down and refuse to let someone hurt us or we take charge of something in our lives that we think might upset someone else. And yes I have done that myself and no it's not healthy.

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As a guy, I would appreciate a little heads up. I would understand why and not have to think about why is she being a witch and ignoring my texts, but thats just me

 

If you have broken up with someone, why would you (personally) still be texting? And for her not to reply makes her a witch?

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Not all breakups are the same. You just cant say NC for every break up. I have had some where they were rough and some that were more understandable, but they all hurt.

Sounds like these two were talking during and after the break up. For one to all of a sudden go cold turkey would leave the other one thinking "what gives?" What other women are saying is that they hope the guy "understands" what the girl is doing. We are men, we dont get hints and we have to be told. So now after talking and then nothing after a month, the guy is probably not thinking "Oh she wants time to herself so she can heal, thats cool" He could be thinking, she stopped replying to my texts? She is being cold and mean.

So if two people broke up and they were talking, why not send a text saying "hey, I need to stop communicating because I need time to myself respect my wishes" Then the guy can say okay thats cool and he doesnt have to worry.

From what she said it was a breakup that was civil. Why not continue to be civil?

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for added context, i am the dumpee. we didnt really text everyday after the breakup. conversations dont last the whole day either. my last 2 texts were ignored, one of them was if he was free to chat, i needed to tell him something. i was supposed to open up during the chat how i feel about the friendship. chat plan didnt push through obviously since he didnt reply to my text for some weeks. after that, he texts me "how are you?" i dont really how to respond so i didnt. after some days, he asks me again how i was doing and tells me briefly about his work. i wanted to tell him how i really was, how i feel about friendship right now, but i stopped myself because i wasnt ready if he would reply or not. i was hurt, and wondering if he even received my last 2 messages. that was our last contact.

 

i was hoping his male or female friends would explain that NC is for the dumpee's healing, so i dont have to tell him that. or he'd use google to find out about no contact, hopefully he wont think it's my tactic to get him back. because it's not. i just really want to heal the fastest way possible.

 

i do have a drafted message already, but my friends say to only send it if he contacts me again. do you guys agree?

 

sending and not sending are both valid points based from your responses. this is so confusing for me right now

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I would disagree with anyone if saying no contact is the only way to heal. Its not so simple, every breakup has variables and different reasons for it. Limited contact eventually helped me because it answered questions I had. Sure I hurt a little after, but in the long run I understood as to why things happened. I didnt have to wonder why and I got my absolution. This contact wasnt everyday but every few weeks, then eventually every few months to now we dont communicate. But we broke up over financial and domestic issues and not because of jealousy or cheating or anything like that.

For me its silly to say NC for everything, to me its like saying well if you got a flat tire you can slap any tire on your car and the problem is solved. Which is not true, the tire has to fit the car. This is the same thing, the amount of contact has to fit the situation. Most times you can say you need to step back, others need to have limited contact. I see nothing wrong with it.

Now how many ladies get soooo upset at their boyfriends or husbands because the guy didnt take a hint or doesnt fully understand you? We are trained to be that way. Yes we are... when your girl is mad and asks "do you know what you did?" the men are trained to not assume and say no, tell us. We dont guess weight or age and that is because we are trained not to do that. So when the woman assumes we 'understand' its not that we dont want to guess, but women have to tell us. So thats why I say its okay to send a text saying hey, Im need time away from you.

Now if you have been in NC for months and you get a text out of the blue, okay, ignore it, but if you get 10 texts a week and you are ingnoring all of them, then the guy doesnt "understand" what you are doing and a nice memo on what you are doing helps.

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So Sophi, when you two were communicating and he all of a sudden ignored your texts how did you feel? Did you "understand" that he was going NC or did you have more questions on your mind as to why he stopped? I would guess that it made you think more as to why he stopped. So if he would of said "I need to step back from you" that would of hurt, but would it of helped you not to over think things?

I think the Dumpee has the ball in their court when it comes to communicating, if you want to talk, fine, if you dont, thats fine.

Question is what is it you want? Do you want to remain friends? Not talk to him anymore? Have him in your life eventually or not at all? And what do you feel is the best way for you to heal. The goal is for you to heal, that is what you said, so what are you comfortable with? If talking or communicating hurts you, then dont do it.

I view communication as a bon fire with you and your X. If you and/or your X keeps putting wood on it, then the fire will continue. If no one does anything eventually it will burn out on its own, or you can say no more and pour water on it.

Its up to you on what you want.

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NC should be for a dumpee who was dumped and or replaced for someone else, this should be the best remedy for the dumpee. Some dumpees go nuts trying to figure out why the dumper hurt them and run after them for answers, that's why its best to go NC and start the healing process ASAP.

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I will say this - if you feel you MUST explain, make it short, and leave NO room for a dialogue.

 

Something like "I realize I stopped answering abruptly. Please understand our continuing contact under "friendly" circumstances is just too confusing and painful for me on an emotional level, and I'm ready to move on and heal. Thank you for understanding, and for not replying to this."

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