How To Get Her to WANT me?

[blgmike2]

Hey guys, been dating a girl since august. We are exclusive but we arent seeing other people, but also not "official". We see each other maybe 1-2x a week. I want to make her my girlfriend and take the next step but shes not ready yet and wants to take things slow. She was in a long relationship before me and we started talking 5 months after her long relationship ended.

 

She has assured me she wants to be with me, that there is no one else, but does not want to make things official with me yet. When I asked her if she sees me as boyfriend material she said "absolutely, just want to take this slow" well its been about 4 1/2 months and nothing yet. For those of you wondering, yes we have sex and are intimate in public and she calls me babe/baby, ect.

 

I realize you can't get someone to WANT to be with you and that she has to want to commit to making us official but is there any advice you guys could give me (preferable from a woman's prospective) that would get her to WANT to commit to me? I realize this is a tricky subject because you guys don't know her but what can I do to make her come running?

 

Thanks in advance.

[mhowe]

why are you hung up on the "official" label.

You see each other often, you are affectionate in public, you are sleeping together. A label doesn't change anything.

 

You want her to come to you. Stop being so availalble.

[pl3asehelp]

Yeah, tell her what you want and what you're going to do if you don't get it, then follow through on that.

[Dragunov-21]

What is "the next step", here? Pretty much what mhowe said.

 

What exactly will change if she says "ok, cool, you're my boyfriend now?

 

Out of interest, what country are you in?

[mhowe]

and how old are you --- if this is HS, do you want to give her your jacket?

 

If college --- your fraternity pin?

 

If real life --- who really cares.

[blgmike2]

I am in the United States. We do not see each other often, 1-2x a week is not good enough for me......

 

I WANT HER to see me more, sleep over more, make me a priority over certain things/people, and i feel like making it official will do that...

 

Back to my question, what can I do to get her to COME TO ME

[t1lersm0m1]

I agree with mhowe. You guys are pretty much boyfriend and girlfriend...why does the label matter? You do all of the things a couple does anyway.

[John John]

and how old are you --- if this is HS, do you want to give her your jacket?

 

If college --- your fraternity pin?

 

If real life --- who really cares.

 

 

OMG...LMFAO mhowe!!

[DancingFool]

Well I have a different take. When someone balks at acknowledging your relationship status despite acting and doing things like you are in a relationship it's a problem. If it's not a big deal why refuse it?

 

Anyway, I think that you are the rebound crutch and no, there is no way to make her want more. Her refusal is her warning and a way to keep you a bit at bay. Sorry it's not what you want to hear.

 

If you want a real relationship find someone who is on the same page as you. You'll find it much easier and less confusing that way. Trying to mend broken wings for broken birds will leave you broken in the end.

[Dragunov-21]

I am in the United States. We do not see each other often, 1-2x a week is not good enough for me......

 

1-2x a week is reasonably often for people who aren't live-in. If she is happy with the current situation, there may be nothing that makes her want to see more of you than she currently is. It's healthy to refuse to make your relationship everything in your life.

 

I WANT HER to see me more, sleep over more, make me a priority over certain things/people, and i feel like making it official will do that...

 

It won't. It won't make her want to spend more time with you than she already does. What issues do you have with her current priorities?

 

Back to my question, what can I do to get her to COME TO ME

 

Find a clingy teenager, IMO. Sounds like you just have different expectations, and moving things from "the way she likes it" to "the way you like it" isn't natural progression. If you push this I think you can only end up pushing her away.

 

Well I have a different take. When someone balks at acknowledging your relationship status despite acting and doing things like you are in a relationship it's a problem. If it's not a big deal why refuse it?.

 

Personally, because:

- When I'm in a relationship, it is what it is, it's not a means to a label.

 

- if someone is interested in attaining a label, it makes it feel like they're more interested in getting some arbitrary level of commitment than engaging with me as a person and seeing where we end up. It's a description, not a goal.

 

- If someone is hell-bent on reaching "official status", that's an instant insecurity red-flag.

 

- More to the point, if I say no, I damn well mean it and expect my SO to respect me by not pestering me, as I would respect them.

 

As to the rest of it, there's nothing wrong with wanting to see her more, except the fact that she (appears) not to want that, at this stage.

[pl3asehelp]

Well I have a different take. When someone balks at acknowledging your relationship status despite acting and doing things like you are in a relationship it's a problem. If it's not a big deal why refuse it?

 

Anyway, I think that you are the rebound crutch and no, there is no way to make her want more. Her refusal is her warning and a way to keep you a bit at bay. Sorry it's not what you want to hear.

 

If you want a real relationship find someone who is on the same page as you. You'll find it much easier and less confusing that way. Trying to mend broken wings for broken birds will leave you broken in the end.

 

Totally agree. Plus her 'I want to take it slow' excuse was a non answer to your question.

[LovesMusic]

The fact of the matter is that she is not over her last relationship. If her ex dumped her I would take it as a huge flag that she is holding on to hope that they will get back together or that she still sees him as "number 1". If she dumped him, you are in a better situation, but still she is not over the relationship even though she knows she doesn't want to be with him. If she is over the relationship, then the only thing that would keep her from getting into another relationship is her being unsure of her feelings. The last relationship she was in she probably thought the guy was "the one" and that turned out different. She may not trust her feelings because she has felt this way before, but then still pulled the plug later on and contrary to most dumpees opinions, she got hurt. She may be looking out for you because she feels like she will end up hurting you too, which, in reality, no one really wants to do. Also, because she doesn't trust her feelings because of her past experience, she may not truly trust your feelings. I'm sure she knows that right now you absolutely want to be with her and feel amazing around her, however, she may be worried that once she opens up your feelings might change. There is a certain level of damage a person goes through once they realize that love isn't like how it is in the movies (all it takes is to feel that way about someone and that feeling will be there for ever). The reality is that peoples' feelings change and she doesn't want to go through that anytime soon. Her not acknowledging what you two are allows her to not have to feel bad if her or your feelings change.

[SooSad33]

I feel there is nothing wrong with what you've got going on right now. YOU've been involved with her since August ( 4 mos ago?) Then continue on as you are. Do NOT expect her to want to move in with you. And do NOT 'expect' her to want to spend EVERY moment of EVERY day with you.

 

That is NOT normal or acceptable for any level of a relationship. It is highly suggest that YOU continue on with your life, with your friends, sports, family etc. and let her continue her time as she wishes as well.

 

There is NO need to rush this. It's going on at a decent pace I think. She is 'involved' with YOU. Accept it and be happy.

[B4551C]

It is a relationship that contradicts itself. You are focusing a bit too much on the "label" of the relationship, and she is not acknowledging the relationship for what it is. From what I've read, it seems you are simply the rebound.

 

My advice? Lay off a bit on her, go out and live your life, and become an interesting person. If you become too available she will lose interest quickly, ESPECIALLY if you're the rebound. You need to give her time to miss you, and desire you. Allow her to initiate contact (assuming you are the one doing that) and even allow a little extra time to respond. Life s about maintaining a healthy balance of all things. There is a delicate and undefined line that you must feel out in order to have a successful relationship.

 

Keep her interested by becoming interested in something other than her.

[Ms Darcy]

Well I have a different take. When someone balks at acknowledging your relationship status despite acting and doing things like you are in a relationship it's a problem. If it's not a big deal why refuse it?

 

Anyway, I think that you are the rebound crutch and no, there is no way to make her want more. Her refusal is her warning and a way to keep you a bit at bay. Sorry it's not what you want to hear.

 

If you want a real relationship find someone who is on the same page as you. You'll find it much easier and less confusing that way. Trying to mend broken wings for broken birds will leave you broken in the end.

 

I agree. I think it's valid for you want the commitment of a relationship after four months of dating. I also think it's valid for you to want to see each other more.

 

I also think she knows that a label would mean more commitment. Then you could ask her for more emotionally - to make you more of a priority and to even move towards the "l" word. I think she's stalling because she's not over the ex and you are a rebound.

 

In such cases, there is nothing you can really do to make her want you more. You can try being less available, but you don't see her much as it is anyways.

[Thorshammer]

Actually, a title is very important. But, you cant do much but ride it out, you agree with her choice by continuing at her pace. I was in that situation twice, i did what i did to snatch her up for an official label (key thing being avoiding the "exclusive but not carrying the label" discussion - but she still left 6 months into our relationship, for what i believe was her ex. Last girl - same deal, she wanted to wait - i used charm, talk and convincing... i got the label, and she left for the same reason she couldnt be in a relationship- she had too much anxiety and serious ups and downs- a relationship aggravated her situation further.

 

Like me or not, if a girl doesnt give me the label for now on... that means the door is open for another girl until i am tied down by the first girl who doesnt want to let me leave out that door. Having this mentality would have actually saved those two above relationship, especially the first example - as i never forgave her for leaving when she came back no matter how many times she should me that at THAT time she wasnt ready.

[avision]

I think you should just enjoy the time you spend with her without the need to label things. Will it change anything? Enjoy the date with destiny you've got, and just see what happens!

[Tanzi]

I am in the United States. We do not see each other often, 1-2x a week is not good enough for me......

 

I WANT HER to see me more, sleep over more, make me a priority over certain things/people, and i feel like making it official will do that...

 

Back to my question, what can I do to get her to COME TO ME

 

Well if she isn't ready for these things, making it official won't change that.

 

The only thing that MIGHT make her want you more is if you seemingly want her LESS which is basically what has already been said. You know what "they" say about wanting what you cant have (or think what you can't have) ..........

[Capricorn3]

* We are exclusive

* I want to make her my girlfriend and take the next step

* yes we have sex and are intimate in public .

I'm not sure I understand your question. You say you are exclusive ... Then you say you want to take it to the next step .... then you say you have sex. Doesn't "taking the next step" mean having sex? If you're already exclusive and having sex then what is the "next step"?? Being exclusive implies being a couple - boyfriend/girlfriend (imo), so I don't understand what the "next step" is supposed to be. Is it only me, or what am I missing here??

[mhowe]

No, you are clear.

OP wants a label...as though saying we are a couple is different than being a couple.

[Capricorn3]

No, you are clear.

OP wants a label...as though saying we are a couple is different than being a couple.

Oh ok. Not sure how that will change anything. ............. That said, I say kudos to her for wanting to take things slow, seeing as she's only 5 months out of a long term relationship as it could all end up being a rebound - taking it slow makes a lot of sense and sounds like the girl has a wise head on her shoulders (imo).

[Ms Darcy]

Lol how many threads have we seen from women who have sex with a guy for months if not years, see him a few times a week, and yet he won't call her a gf.

 

Most posters would scream bloody murder and say he is a player. It is one thing if we are saying she needs time. It is another to say labels don't matter.

 

I would love to see.anyone date someone exclusively for three or five or ten years without the girlfriend or boyfriend label.

[B4551C]

Lol how many threads have we seen from women who have sex with a guy for months if not years, see him a few times a week, and yet he won't call her a gf.

 

Most posters would scream bloody murder and say he is a player. It is one thing if we are saying she needs time. It is another to say labels don't matter.

 

I would love to see.anyone date someone exclusively for three or five or ten years without the girlfriend or boyfriend label.

 

I agree it seems like a double standard. Like I said before, he's too pressed on it being a label, yet she's failing to acknowledge it for what it is. If you are exclusive, see each other 1-2 times a week, having sex, then by every sense of the definition, you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The next level would be to merge your lives together and make it a Long-term relationship where each of you make a commitment to change things about yourselves for each other. It doesn't appear that this is what she wants to do, and if I were OP...I would just leave things as they are, sit back and wait a couple more months. If she's not ready to commit to a more serious relationship after 6 months, just move on.

[LovesMusic]

I agree it seems like a double standard. Like I said before, he's too pressed on it being a label, yet she's failing to acknowledge it for what it is. If you are exclusive, see each other 1-2 times a week, having sex, then by every sense of the definition, you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. The next level would be to merge your lives together and make it a Long-term relationship where each of you make a commitment to change things about yourselves for each other. It doesn't appear that this is what she wants to do, and if I were OP...I would just leave things as they are, sit back and wait a couple more months. If she's not ready to commit to a more serious relationship after 6 months, just move on.

 

Listen OP… One thing I've learned through my experiences is that love is not the only thing that keeps people together. Each party of a relationship should be getting they need from the other person… You are not getting measurement of commitment and she is not getting the space she needs. Sad to say, but this does not seem like a healthy relationship. She is feeling pressured while you are feeling alone. I would take time (could be as little as a day or as much as forever) apart and let you both re-evaluate what you mean to each other and to see what it's like with each other not there. You may find out that she realizes she doesn't want you out of her life or you might realize that she is fine with you out of her life or in it. Either way, it's better to find out now. Who knows what will happen, but one thing I assure you -- what will be will be.

[wilyone 11]

Ironically, the best thing you can do to make her COME TO YOU is to FOCUS ON YOURSELF and not what she's doing. Direct all your energy toward your own life and goals. That will make you FAR more attractive than pressing her to fulfill your relationship needs. Enjoy the present, focus on what you appreciate about her and quit thinking of what your ego wants and isn't getting. Many people would be ecstatic to spend 1-2 nights a week with the person of their dreams, regardless of the label.