Safety concerns with guy

[DancingFool]

This is what's a bit baffling to me. You say you don't have time for dating, but you have time for a hook up? What's the difference? Two hours once per week are two hours once per week. There are a lot of men who are busy, single dads, etc., etc., etc. who would totally love to find a woman who only needs them for an evening a week or so. Have dinner, have sex, see you in a week kind of a deal. The thing is that they would consider that dating, monogamous, etc. It would be something safe and suitable for you both. However, if you proposition them for just sex only, those same men will get weirded out and run.

 

The dangerous part is that you are putting up an ad that is the equivalent of a call girl. That will attract men who can be dangerous. The rough reality is that you are taking on same risks as a street walker - he could be a pervert, he could be violent, he could rape you, he could beat you, etc. He could be just a normal guy too, but the probability of normal is less and the probability of abnormal is that much higher. Thus the danger factor. When you choose to engage in risky behavior, there is no such thing as staying safe.

 

If you have just two hours per week to socialize, then use those two hours wisely. Cultivate a friendship. You need that. If that friendship eventually turns into FWB, then that's a whole different ballgame. Friendships are not about full on engagement. Even just dinner with a friend once a month or so where you just relax and step away from your work and problems can make a world of difference. You don't need to give give give, you need to relax.

[IAmFCA]

DancingFool makes good suggestions.

 

OLD can be discouraging, many of us have written here about its maddening ways. It takes work to start from scratch, without the benefit of a friend in common etc. There is no shortcut to finding a trustworthy intimate partner. Folks who take the shortcut generally aren't trustworthy. They like shortcuts for a reason.

 

And yes, you CAN date. My schedule is worse than yours and my money tight. I have only every other weekend available, at most. And so I have a man to date once or twice a month, no more. We met on line, and it started even less frequent than it is now, and he is perfectly fine with the schedule as am I.

 

Sometimes, life gives you what you need, when you make yourself available. I didn't know this is what I needed, but it is. Who I would attract and choose now for an LTR is likely impacted by my distractions elsewhere. Life is protecting me from a sub-par LTR by giving me a twice-monthly companion. How nice.

 

You are smart to acknowledge your limitations. Now, don't let them hold you back. You can have what you want.

[SapphireNoir10]

Taking a virtual stranger home or to a hotel is always dangerous.

 

If I had to choose I'd say go to a hotel because I'm sure someone hopefully would hear you screaming if it goes pear shaped. That's worse case scenario

 

Most of the guys I've dated I've known beforehand through mutual friends for a while. If I haven't i've dated them in public places for a few months.

 

My main fear would be STD's or getting murdered but I'm paranoid.

[debshere]

Good advice. I just assumed that after awhile, as a relationship develops, the other person would want more attention. My availability is usually between 10 and 12 in the night - seems like booty call hours LOL.

[mhowe]

Date hospital workers that are getting off 2nd shift.

[debshere]

If I had to choose I'd say go to a hotel because I'm sure someone hopefully would hear you screaming if it goes pear shaped. That's worse case scenario

 

 

Haha. Okay, that really scared me. Actually glad I posted here - I really was being quite naive.

[Blue Spiral]

For women, meeting (male) strangers = not particularly safe. You'd be better off doing FWB with someone you've actually known for a while. You said you don't have time for friends, but, really, even an acquaintance could be close enough--as long as it's someone you're familiar with. You could also "pick up" someone that you routinely interact with, i.e. a store employee, a waiter, someone you always see in the bookstore, something along those lines.

 

The two keys for you: 1. Find someone that's safe. 2. Find someone that isn't jealous or possessive (and thus will be okay with only having you for two hours a week).

[ParisPaulette]

Coffee shops and restaurants in crowded places in the middle of the day. Always, always your safest bet in getting to know someone and wanting to stay safe. Places to avoid bars late at night, their car, them in your car, any place remote even in broad daylight, haunted carnivals and lakes where those teens went skinny dipping and were murdered...you get the idea.

 

As to sex and where to do the deed in order to stay safe, well a motel or hotel is always your best bet. Just make sure it's not in a bad part of town. I once ended up in one with a guy I was dating and when we both came to our senses we noticed the place was creepy as in a sort of really sketchy, scary kind of way. The next day the guy called me freaking out, because two doors down from us a girl had been murdered the week before. Lesson learned: plan where you're going to go before the hormones kick in, so you don't end up at the Bates Notell Motel.

 

And of course if you do the deed at some point practice safe sex--always.

[Natasha24]

As I have mentioned in my previous posts I have been single for 3 years. I work a day job and a night job so that I can afford to help my father who has cancer who I am also looking after. I don't have time with all of that to be able to have a "real" relationship with someone but I am craving some human touch. I have been using a slew of toys for the last 3 years.

 

This makes me sad. I used to be (and I probably still am) a lot like you.

Wanting a FWB isn't going to scratch this itch that you have. At first, it will be nice to have the human interaction. But you will need more - and you deserve more. My advice would be to try POF or OkCupid for casually dating. Talk to some guys, go out for dinner, to the movies, etc. A lot of my friends have actually been guys that I met online; we didn't work as a couple so we became friends instead. That may be all you need right now.

 

But since you don't want to be judged and only want advice on the sex part .. The crappy truth is, there is no "safe" way to go about this. Your best bet is to meet him in public 4 or 5 times, then go to a hotel for sex once you're comfortable. Do not go to your house and do not go to his house.

[savignon]

My two cents:

-Taking a pic/letting someone know where you are, his name, etc is helpful *after* you're missing or worse. Doesn't do anything whatsoever to prevent anything bad from happening

-sex isn't going to make you feel less lonely. A good friend might. A day out to yourself might. Sex will only make you feel good for the 10 minutes it lasts and then you are VERY likely to feel worse and even MORE lonely after that because you let yourself be used and it's not a good feeling. Wins you zero brownie points with users

-I suggest investing your limited free time in something that will be more fulfilling like a meetup group or other social group

-I also suggest you join a support group for families of cancer patients as you're obviously hurting and feeling alone. There are so many people struggling the way you are with the same issue and it might make you feel a lot less lonely to connect with a group like that

Finally, I'm sorry to hear your dad is sick and that you have to work so hard. You deserve some fun in your life and I can promise that debasing yourself for casual sex will not in any way feel fun or good in the state you're in.

*hugs*

[KORG]

This makes me sad. I used to be (and I probably still am) a lot like you.

Wanting a FWB isn't going to scratch this itch that you have. At first, it will be nice to have the human interaction. But you will need more - and you deserve more. My advice would be to try POF or OkCupid for casually dating. Talk to some guys, go out for dinner, to the movies, etc. A lot of my friends have actually been guys that I met online; we didn't work as a couple so we became friends instead. That may be all you need right now.

 

I second this suggestion of POF or OKCupid for casual dating. I suspect that some of the people who check the "casual dating" option on their profiles may be up for actual casual dating (i.e. going on real dates) as well as merely casual sex and FWBs. I don't have any real firsthand knowledge about this, because my online dating experiences have all been when I was looking for a more serious relationship and I dated women who were looking for the same. However, I did get the impression that both men and women on these sites were sometimes "flexible" about what they considered "casual dating". This sounds potentially less creepy than an online ad that solicits only a quick no-strings-attached hookup, although I'd still exercise some caution if the casual dating progresses to casual sex.