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Safety concerns with guy


debshere

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You have an incredibly low opinion of men ---

 

I asked a question - did not make a statement. And I'm asked the question based on posts that I read on the board. A lot of posts are about guys and girls asking if it's too soon to have sex - or making reference to the fact that they met someone and had sex on the first, second, third whatever date. My question was simply - if I had taken the fact that this guy and I already started being sexual by text before we met - how different is that?

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Isn't that the goal of a lot of guys?

 

Yes, but the difference is that your guy knows he's going to get sex. Most guys go on dates and are happy to get a kiss by the third date.

The thing with being open about your sexual intentions is that you could attract a weirdo. A weirdo won't go after a 'traditional' dater, he'll look for the easy prey.

Sure, he could just be a normal guy who wants to have sex with no strings attached but you don't want to risk it.

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I don't have time for any contact in between. I don't have time to meet family and friends. I just want an escape right now from the situation my life is in. I have been trying to meet someone for the past three years and have not had very much success. When I do and we try to arrange to go out it is so difficult due to my work schedule.

 

You are acting like this is going to Mr. John Smith, who doesn't have time to date.

 

 

This is going to be Mr. Predator --- with a likely STD, a record and zero respect for women.

 

As long as you go in with your eyes open -- you are an adult.

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Yes, but the difference is that your guy knows he's going to get sex. Most guys go on dates and are happy to get a kiss by the third date.

The thing with being open about your sexual intentions is that you could attract a weirdo. A weirdo won't go after a 'traditional' dater, he'll look for the easy prey.

Sure, he could just be a normal guy who wants to have sex with no strings attached but you don't want to risk it.

 

Yes, that is a good point.

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I asked a question - did not make a statement. And I'm asked the question based on posts that I read on the board. A lot of posts are about guys and girls asking if it's too soon to have sex - or making reference to the fact that they met someone and had sex on the first, second, third whatever date. My question was simply - if I had taken the fact that this guy and I already started being sexual by text before we met - how different is that?

 

Seriously -- you don't know the difference between sexting with a stranger....and having sex with a stranger?

 

I give up. Am not sure this is even a real scenario.

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Isn't that the goal of a lot of guys?

 

Some. And please don't assume he's a jerk or not a good guy just because he is only looking for sex. Be glad that he was honest about it. some men lie and pretend they like you and want a relationship just to get you in bed. I'm 30 and men my age still do this. A man is not a jerk just for not wanting a relationship. He's a jerk if he lies and says he does when he doesn't. If you choose to sleep with him wanting more and are disappointed when this arrangement never develops into what you want it to be, he was honest from the jump about what his intentions were. Be cautious of sleeping with him if you think you may want something more from him at some point.

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Seriously -- you don't know the difference between sexting with a stranger....and having sex with a stranger?

 

I give up. Am not sure this is even a real scenario.

 

I think if people come on here for advice they don't have to be treated with disdain. This is a very new situation to me - something I have never been involved in before. I was actually responding to people who said to me forget the other guy - you can go online and meet someone easily who can give you what you want. My question that you quoted was also a bit of a debate - just trying to get different points of view.

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It is totally okay to have casual sex.

It is totally okay to use someone as an escape, if they are clear and you are clear.

 

However, the risks are great. Using someone as an escape is a perfect tee-up for love addiction, for being involved with a sociopath or psychopath, for taking on undue physical and emotional risk. It is not unlike using any other external vehicle as an escape.

 

He might film you secretly in the hotel room. Are you okay with that? He might legally carry a weapon, just as a matter of habit. Are you okay with that? He might have a wife, or a crazy ex. Are you okay with that?

 

If any of these sound preposterous, they aren't. All are possible with men who are engaging, smart, accomplished, and willing to be in a consistent sexual relationship with you. Understand the risks before you plunge ahead.

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I think if people come on here for advice they don't have to be treated with disdain. This is a very new situation to me - something I have never been involved in before. I was actually responding to people who said to me forget the other guy - you can go online and meet someone easily who can give you what you want. My question that you quoted was also a bit of a debate - just trying to get different points of view.

 

I don't feel disdain --- it has become outright skepticism.

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OP: I suggest a different approach. I understand your time contraints and emotional constraints well.

 

Date. Make your date(s) aware of your constraints. Vet them as dating partners. Eventually, you will choose one for sex. It may not be exclusive sex, probably not given his likely availability and your lack thereof. But that's okay. You will have developed some knowledge of his ethics, his behavior, his character.

 

Dating him first, where you are judging him as a person and not just a sex partner, changes things.

 

And know that as long as you are going in to this arena to fill a hole within yourself, you can bet that the hole will be filled. (oh dear, no double entendre intended. awful). What I mean is: you are lonely, you want some male-female attention, and you will get it. You may also get someone who uses you for his own needs, so be very careful. You are vulnerable in this situation, even as you are clear about your vulnerability.

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This statement right here makes me think this is a not a good situation for you. I don't know you and could be wrong, but I think you want more of a companionship than a casual NSA hook up can give you.

 

I am lonely in the fact that I have very little human contact, very little social life or fun. I think if I felt something building I would stop ...

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OP: I suggest a different approach. I understand your time contraints and emotional constraints well.

 

Date. Make your date(s) aware of your constraints. Vet them as dating partners. Eventually, you will choose one for sex. It may not be exclusive sex, probably not given his likely availability and your lack thereof. But that's okay. You will have developed some knowledge of his ethics, his behavior, his character.

 

Dating him first, where you are judging him as a person and not just a sex partner, changes things.

 

I do prefer this option but how do I meet this people. No time for clubs, social functions - all the stuff that have been suggested to me. Tried OLD - and to be honest I didn't actually go on there specifically looking for a NSA relationship but honestly I think everyone, even if it was disguised - they were all basically looking for the same thing.

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I do prefer this option but how do I meet this people. No time for clubs, social functions - all the stuff that have been suggested to me. Tried OLD - and to be honest I didn't actually go on there specifically looking for a NSA relationship but honestly I think everyone, even if it was disguised - they were all basically looking for the same thing.

 

You meet them by making it clear in the beginning that you are not looking for a casual hookup. Not everyone is. Use your judgment while getting to know them if you think they are trying to just get you in bed. Usually men that are end up bringing up sex sooner or later. Whether it's just talking about it or making sexual jokes to see your reaction and then proceed from there.

 

What is it you do that prevents you from dating but allows you to be so lonely? Do you work a lot?

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You meet them by making it clear in the beginning that you are not looking for a casual hookup. Not everyone is. Use your judgment while getting to know them if you think they are trying to just get you in bed. Usually men that are end up bringing up sex sooner or later. Whether it's just talking about it or making sexual jokes to see your reaction and then proceed from there.

 

What is it you do that prevents you from dating but allows you to be so lonely? Do you work a lot?

 

Well, my dad has cancer. The bills for meds etc. are quite high. I work a night job and a day job to help pay for this plus afford my own living expenses. I also help look after my dad because home care is expensive.

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I'm so sorry to hear that You definitely need friends at a time like this.

 

Thank you. But after reading everyone's responses I think the course of action I was taking is not the best one and I should rethink it. Sexting with him might just have to do for now LOL. I didn't think it all the way through. I did ask for an STD check and I was planning on sending a pic of him to someone and letting them know where/when I would be with him but that might not be enough.

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Thank you. But after reading everyone's responses I think the course of action I was taking is not the best one and I should rethink it. Sexting with him might just have to do for now LOL. I didn't think it all the way through. I did ask for an STD check and I was planning on sending a pic of him to someone and letting them know where/when I would be with him but that might not be enough.

 

Sorry, I meant to say platonic friends. I still maintain that this is not a good idea for you. and I am glad you are rethinking it. I do think you should try and make some platonic friends to hang out with when your schedule permits.

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Thank you. But after reading everyone's responses I think the course of action I was taking is not the best one and I should rethink it. Sexting with him might just have to do for now LOL. I didn't think it all the way through. I did ask for an STD check and I was planning on sending a pic of him to someone and letting them know where/when I would be with him but that might not be enough.

 

Yeah, it won't be enough. Even if he shows you test results, how do you know he didn't have sex after he got tested, as you know some diseases take up to 3 months to show on tests, but if he did something risky within those 3 months, the results you'll see won't be accurate.

And by the time your friends come looking for you, you may be dead anyway, if he's a criminal. Lots of things can happen.

 

Of course, they can very well happen in "normal" dating situations too, but why not be on the safe® side and not actively expose yourself to potential dangerous situations?

 

Sexting won't last too long either, as he will lose interest if he sees you won't meet him for in person sex. Just take it one day at a time, and you never know what's waiting around the corner.

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