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Safety concerns with guy


debshere

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I took people's advice and went on POF and met this guy that wants to get together with me mostly for sex. This was a couple days ago. We have had some pretty steamy sessions by text. So, we want to meet up but I have never done anything like this before and want to know how can I do this and be safe. We are going to get together first just to chat, see if we click, etc. Where can we do that. If we decide we want to have sex where do we do that. I will not bring him to my home because I def don't want him to know where I live. Please help. And this isn't a post asking for people's judgments that I'm doing this. If you read my previous post you see I really don't have a lot of options. And just for an update the potential FWB guy keeps contacting me daily but never arranging to get together.

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You can get together for talking in a very public place like a coffee shop.

As for the sex part there is no such thing as safe sex with a stranger. It is good you wouldn't bring them to your home but the only other option then is a hotel. He could be a really decent guy or he could be Charley the killer you have no idea.

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You can get together for talking in a very public place like a coffee shop.

As for the sex part there is no such thing as safe sex with a stranger. It is good you wouldn't bring them to your home but the only other option then is a hotel. He could be a really decent guy or he could be Charley the killer you have no idea.

 

Well, I told him I wanted to get together with him a couple times before we did the deed. isn't that basically like people who go out on a couple of dates and then have sex? With my work schedule and other obligations I don't have time for more than that and then just meet up with him maybe once a week after that for some quick time together.

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First of all, a couple of days of talking and then straight to bed is very risky in my opinion. I would meet him at least 4-5 times in a public place before I took him to bed. Don't forget that even if you go to a hotel, you'll still be alone in the room with a virtual stranger. Your safety comes first and there are many weirdos out there.

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Being single. Having a blind date set up through family/friends. link removed or something that isn't about sex.

Using a toy (which, by the way -- cannot murder you, rape you or steal from you).

 

You are setting yourself up for a predator because you are so desperate --- not for sex, but for a connection.

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Well, I told him I wanted to get together with him a couple times before we did the deed. isn't that basically like people who go out on a couple of dates and then have sex? With my work schedule and other obligations I don't have time for more than that and then just meet up with him maybe once a week after that for some quick time together.

Personally I have never done that. I would never have sex with somebody that I hadn't known for a considerable length of time. But that is my own personal preference.

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As I have mentioned in my previous posts I have been single for 3 years. I work a day job and a night job so that I can afford to help my father who has cancer who I am also looking after. I don't have time with all of that to be able to have a "real" relationship with someone but I am craving some human touch. I have been using a slew of toys for the last 3 years.

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Um, there is no way to do this and be safe.

 

I am not judging you.

 

There are precautions: google research, a PI, your gut instincts, researching his friends - does he maintain long term friendships? do you know where he works? fb fb fb research, you tube research. What does he post? How involved is he in his community of coleagues, friends, charities? Less involvement = more risk because you have fewer opportunities to corroborate his story, and he has fewer people around him to whom he feels responsible or from whom he has earned respect. Obviously, barrier protection for the sex part... Recognize he may be lying to you about significant things, from his single/relationship/engaged/married status, to his recent sexual partners, his feelings for you, whatever.

 

If you are comfortable having sex with him knowing that some of what you know may be fiction, then follow your gut instinct. That may be the only protection you have.

 

One of my girlfriends always brought her casuals home, because at her house, she knew how to protect herself. I think she has a good point. At his house, you don't know what is there or who else may be letting herself in etc. Yikes. At a hotel, you are both anonymous: scary if you don't know each other.

 

If your name is on White Pages and he knows your whole name, he will know where you live anyhow. If you fb publicly, he will know who your friends are etc. Be very thoughtful about what information is available in the public domain.

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You could meet him in a public place first, but he could still be a psycho. Just because he acts normal while having a drink with you doesn't mean he won't slay you behind closed doors.

 

If you go through with it, tell a trusted friend where you are going and who you will be with, and if you haven't checked in by a certain time, something is wrong.

 

Also, condoms don't protect you from warts or the herps.

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I was single for almost a decade. When I wanted human contact, I did not reach out to strangers.

I don't care if you do, I am just saying that choice is frought with danger.

 

FWB has it's place --- except that you actually have to be friends first. Sport sex between consenting adults that are

comfortable with each other and don't want a relationship is fine.

 

Sex with a stranger --- at your own risk (physical and mental).

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If you go through with it, tell a trusted friend where you are going and who you will be with, and if you haven't checked in by a certain time, something is wrong.

 

Or, even better, get a friend to make an appearance in one of the dates (just for a few minutes, with some excuse) so he knows that someone else knows what he looks like.

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And don't develop feelings for this guy beyond sexual attraction, because I doubt he will develop any for you. Be cautious. Women have a harder time staying emotionally detached than men do.

 

There is a biochemical reason for this. Men and women have different chemical responses to sex, and it can create misleading feelings afterwards.

 

This is not safe, there is no safe way. If you are determined though, recognize the danger, don't call it safe. Do not lull yourself into complacency. If the original terms are sex, then by his logic he owes you nothing but sex. He owes you no honesty, no caring, nothing. His understanding of the terms WILL NOT CHANGE no matter how many times you have sex, whether you enjoy each other's company, whether you have a meal together. You always will be serving the purpose of sex. Its similaar to how at many jobs, if you are hired as a receptionist, it is difficult to be seen as an analyst. His view of you will into evolve and his obligation to you is nil. He may disappear one day -- he will think that's okay because it was just sex.

 

Under these conditions, the sex might be mediocre at best.

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if I go out with this guy a couple times and then we have sex how is that different from people who go on a couple dates and then have sex on the third date. We are just taking the question of whether or not we are going to have sex out of the equation?

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Or, even better, get a friend to make an appearance in one of the dates (just for a few minutes, with some excuse) so he knows that someone else knows what he looks like.

 

Great idea. Have your friend be goofy and socially daft. Oh you two are cute, let me take your picture! Protest, but comply.

 

When your friend leaves, be embarrassed, that was so awkward, I am so sorry. Ugh. If you can pull that off.

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if I go out with this guy a couple times and then we have sex how is that different from people who go on a couple dates and then have sex on the third date. We are just taking the question of whether or not we are going to have sex out of the equation?

 

Because when you start with sex being the terms, the guy approaches it with a different set of ethics.

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if I go out with this guy a couple times and then we have sex how is that different from people who go on a couple dates and then have sex on the third date. We are just taking the question of whether or not we are going to have sex out of the equation?

 

Because it's been established that this guy's mission is sex. He was honest and up front about it.

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1) Tell several close friend when and where you are meeting him each time you meet him

2) Give these friends his picture and full name in case they have give it to the police.

3) Bring your own condoms and MAKE SURE you have stored them in away that does not damage them

4) Be on birth control for at least a month

5) Check in with friends from point 1 and 2 at a designated time. Instruct them to call/text you if they do not hear from you and to assume you are in trouble if they don't hear back from you within a few minuets

6) Demand STD tests before you have sex with him.

7) Run a background check on him.

8) Never leave him alone with your drink or food.

9) Do not get into his car or be alone with him aside from being in hotel room having sex

 

That's all I can think of off the top of my head.

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if I go out with this guy a couple times and then we have sex how is that different from people who go on a couple dates and then have sex on the third date. We are just taking the question of whether or not we are going to have sex out of the equation?

 

You really are not clear on the concept.

What you had with other guy --- get to know him, date --- (3rd date is not a law), continue dating, meet family and friends. Develop connection.

This is dating, leading possibly to relationship.

 

What you want -- 3 coffee dates, hotel, sex.

Only ever sex after that. No intro's to cirlce of friends and family.

No holidays or vacations.

Call or text: am horny....you available. Response: yes or no.

 

No contact inbetween.

 

Seriously, it would be safer to use a male escort.

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You really are not clear on the concept.

What you had with other guy --- get to know him, date --- (3rd date is not a law), continue dating, meet family and friends. Develop connection.

This is dating, leading possibly to relationship.

 

What you want -- 3 coffee dates, hotel, sex.

Only ever sex after that. No intro's to cirlce of friends and family.

No holidays or vacations.

Call or text: am horny....you available. Response: yes or no.

 

No contact inbetween.

 

Seriously, it would be safer to use a male escort.

 

I don't have time for any contact in between. I don't have time to meet family and friends. I just want an escape right now from the situation my life is in. I have been trying to meet someone for the past three years and have not had very much success. When I do and we try to arrange to go out it is so difficult due to my work schedule.

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