Jump to content

Is he just in it for the sex?

Recommended Posts

Hi all,



The story is this



Nine months ago I broke up with my long-term, live-in boyfriend. Four months later, a friend of mine (and casual acquaintance of my ex) and I are spending a lot of time together, flirting, holding hands etc. After a few months of this, I invited him back to mine one drunken night and we had sex. It was great – he was a friend, I felt comfortable with him, it was nice. He sent me a few messages during that week asking how I was, asking about my plans for the weekend etc.



The following weekend, we go out in a group of friends to a club and spend the entire night together. We kissed, talked about ‘us’, laughed a lot and he eventually came back to mine. At the club, he told me he felt uncomfortable about seeing me because my ex is his friend, and he was going to tell my ex what was going on between us. I said he’d probably lose him as a friend, but he said he didn’t care, that it was worth it.



The following day, he tells my ex, texts me to say it went well and we exchange some flirty messages. We then see each once a week, usually at the weekend, up until this point. We always spend the night together, sometimes we get breakfast/lunch in the morning and we usually hang around the following day watching films, cuddling, drinking tea, having more sex etc…



The thing is, it’s always me that invites him back to mine. He never texts me anymore and we’ve never discussed what this ‘relationship’ is. I’ve realised that, when he decided to tell my ex what was going on between us, he neglected to actually tell me what was going on. I assumed from the beginning that this would develop into a relationship, but I’ve since changed my mind. I decided not to contact him to see if he would contact me, and he hasn’t. If I invite him anywhere (a drink, a game of pool) he always says yes and we have a great time. It always ends with him coming back to mine. If we’re out with friends, it’s like nothing has ever happened between us. He doesn’t ignore me, but there’s no indication that we’re sleeping together. He won’t touch me, kiss me, hug me or anything.



My gut tells me he’s just in it for the sex, BUT, I’ve also realised that I was so busy ‘playing it cool’ with him that it’s possible he thinks I’M just in it for the sex. For example, I always invite him back to mine, I don’t text him during the week, I’ve never asked what ‘we’ are or where we’re headed… It could be interpreted that I’m not that into him. But I’ve always been a big supporter of the ‘men like to chase women’ argument and have tried to sit back and let him come to me a bit. Well, now he’s stopped.



Should I



Realise it’s just about sex for him, stop it and move on?

Talk to him – ask him what this means to him, what he wants and/or where he sees us heading?

Continue having sex with him until one or other of us decides we want to stop/progress to a relationship?


My gut tells me that, while he may have been into me to begin with, he’s not anymore. Should I listen to that and just move on? A part of me would like to talk to him to find out what’s going on in his head but a) I’m scared of rejection and b) I think the answer is staring me in the face.


Anyone got some wisdom they’d like to share?


Thanks eNotaloners!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you should talk to him. He may be just as confused as you are.. maybe someone told him not to get too attached coz he would be a rebound.. that's what we normally tell anyone who is seeing someone that just got out of a long term thing.. so maybe someone told him it wont work out..


or maybe hes afraid to ask what you want.


I don't think carrying on like this when you want more is a good idea and i don't think just running away out of fear is the answer either.


Communication is key so just ask him straight what the story is, what does he want, is this just sex to him?


And if he does say yes then cut him off. Either way you have nothing to lose and knowing for sure is better than being in limbo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But I’ve always been a big supporter of the ‘men like to chase women’ argument and have tried to sit back and let him come to me a bit. Well, now he’s stopped.


This is an outdated belief system, and if he doesn't share it -- you are kinda screwed.

He was never chasing you --- at least since the first month.

Why --- because you have always pursued him and it made him lazy (btw, against your belief system).


Yes, the answer is staring you in the face. After 9 months, this is not a relationship. It is FWB. Which, if you were paying attention --- could have been cleared

up back when he spoke to your ex.


So --- if you question it, I would say...it will end. He isn't looking for commitment. He isn't committed to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You can't really sit back and say he should be chasing when you so bluntly took over the lead and dictated the terms with your actions.


Sooo if you want to know what this is, you'll have to do the legwork and bring it up with him. He is not a mind reader and has no clue what you want or where you want this to go. For all he knows, he is doing exactly what you want and thinks everything is peachy. Up to you to speak up. It's a whole lot better than running away and then wondering what if.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

ask yourself what YOU want. seems that you don't know the answer to that, so how could you expect him to know? If he always accepts your invitation than he's obviously interested in you. You need to have an adult conversation and state what your relationship is, and what you want it to be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long has it been since you've gone out? And when you say 'out with friends and he doesn't act like you're together' (paraphrasing) was that recently?

I'd definitely talk to him about it IF you want to date him. If you don't really care, then just let it go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...