Advice on what she may possibly be thinking, regarding sex and taking it slow.

[Marcel]

Hi there.

 

I was hoping someone could provide an opinion or some insight into my relationship.

 

we've been dating for 2 and a half months. In the beginning we were quite 'hot and heavy" and she seemed to be very sexual and horny, to the point where i wanted to cool it off a bit. She said that perhaps we should wait about 2 months before having sex as she wanted to make it last. well one night house sitting, we did it for the first time and it was great. this was maybe less than a month of seeing eachother.

she has always been very hot for me until recently, she started to create distractions when i would kiss her, or purposely try and put our fire out, not wanting her "button" to be pushed she said.

 

Now the other morning when we woke up together in my bed, she said she didn't really want to do it and that she's afraid that our relationship will revolve around sex. she wants to slow down. so we cuddled and talked instead, and i was okay with it until today. it's been on my mind, that now i feel there's a slight pressure on me, because now i'm uncertain wether i'm allowed to initiate sex. she didn't really reassure me too much, she just said she doesn't want our relationship to revolve around sex. which kinda hurts me, because her and her family are gonna go away for 10 days to italy to ski, and i'm gonna be here alone on christmas. and now i feel like there's pressure now to not have sex, though i want her so bad and i miss her terribly when she's gone. (PS:she said she loves me a while ago, and after thinking about it, i reciprocated, i know since i love her now my feelings have become so much more intense) there's another issue at hand, we've had sex over 10 times, but "made love" only once. which was magical and the best feeling ever. but she says she doesn't "know how" to make love. she battles to say the words "make love". i'm a hopeless romantic, while i enjoy a good shag, making love is by far the best thing you can do. i need to know how i can enhance that, 'making love" feeling to make it feel that way. LOL

 

what do you think the possible reason for this is? why would she not want to have sex? even though i know she enjoys sex a lot, i'm generous with the cunnilingus, i enjoy it too. she has yet to go down on me still. she says she's afraid she won't be goood enough. which i find ridiculous. can anyone provide some insight? i need some guidance.

[IAmFCA]

I am afraid I have no good answers for you. My best guess based on what you have written is that in the beginning, she used sex as a way to reassure herself that you were attracted to her. She may not be aware of this herself. It can be easier to have sex early, as a way to solve the jitters that happen when we start to like someone. Sex makes it feel like we are connected, safe, he likes us, we won't be left behind.

 

Some would say she used sex as a way to hook you in the relationship, but I don't think she was being intentionally manipulative, as that implies. Just that she was insecure, and sex made her feel like you would stay and thereby addressed her insecurity.

 

Now her insecurity is quite logically bouncing the other way: oh dear, maybe he just likes me for sex. Maybe I just like him for sex. How would I know? We had sex so early. Maybe we aren't right for each other.

 

This is an issue of trust, and this issue arises when we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable than is warranted based on how well we know the other person. Think of knowing someone, which builds trust, and vulnerability as being flour and water. You dole out a bit of lour, then a bit of water, then some flour, then some water. If you do this out of proportion, then it doesn't work.

 

So, you guys made yourselves vulnerable to each other, before knowing fully the sort person in whom you placed your trust. That feels uncomfortable.

 

The only way to solve it is to slow down, build trust in each other, and see if you can build it at a pace that is proportional to the emotional intimacy you have. Step by step. You will feel insecure along the way: this is a sign to slow down, until the other person reveals more of themselves and causes you to feel secure again.

 

ALSO: this is not love. I am sorry to say that to your gentle heart. Infatuation and love produce similar brain chemicals causing us confusion when we first meet someone. Love is based on trust, respect, and affection. Maybe you will get there, but you haven't known each other long enough to build that respect and see it withstand the tests that life will throw at you.

 

This is your first test.

[mhowe]

It sounds like you guys are young --- and what IthinkIcan says is true --- that this isn't love.

It is infatuation. She is also right in that your inexperienced gf "used" sex to get you attached, and her insecurity is now saying "he's only in it for sex".

Add to it --- sex vs. making love...and she doesn't know how.

 

If you do --- then show her. And show her intimacy isn't sex....there's a lot more to it.

 

Let her feel safe in your affection and embrace -- and let it grow organically.

[shelty24]

This is a red flag. She is going to use sex as a weapon. I advise you to get out now while its still early days before you get too attached and end up getting rejected constantly for the next 2 or 3 years.. or however long you drag it out for.

 

its a red flag also if a girl is all over you like a rash early on and doing everything to please you.. its a sure sign shes using her body to catch you-thats all. Your better off with a girl who seems shy at first-she will develop into a beast once she trusts you

[mhowe]

This is a red flag. She is going to use sex as a weapon. I advise you to get out now while its still early days before you get too attached and end up getting rejected constantly for the next 2 or 3 years.. or however long you drag it out for.

 

its a red flag also if a girl is all over you like a rash early on and doing everything to please you.. its a sure sign shes using her body to catch you-thats all. Your better off with a girl who seems shy at first-she will develop into a beast once she trusts you

 

yeah....not so much.

 

You guys are very young --- if this behavior was from someone in late 20's or older...run.

She and you are inexperienced. Accept that this is a time for understanding, pacing, and acceptance.

 

Don't push it. Learn from it.

[SooSad33]

2.5 months and there's already that 'love'?

 

For her to act out this way re: sex with you does seems a bit odd. Has put you in a strange place, I can understand.

don't understand WHY she is saying this, now?

To be emotionally 'pushing you away, maybe'?

 

See how it goes over the next month.. if she still makes it hard for you sex, wise, I wouldn't keep taking this response forever.

something like sex/making love should be a good thing between a couple. Something to enjoy- a nice thing.

[junebug123]

yeah....not so much.

 

You guys are very young --- if this behavior was from someone in late 20's or older...run.

She and you are inexperienced. Accept that this is a time for understanding, pacing, and acceptance.

 

Don't push it. Learn from it.

 

Sorry, but i don't agree with this at all. Sex as a weapon has no age discrimination. I have been with women of 6 years younger and 10 years older then me, i have found that its true, younger women tend to play more games when it comes to sex and try to control the relationship; while older women are content to enjoy sex and enjoy the relationship without any real qualms. I don't know why but for some reason young women care more about ego, and power than they do about sex; maybe this is because they feel as though they can easily have sex so therefore it isn't as meaningful or gratifying as getting one over on their SO.

 

I have found that a women who is more attracted or into you, will generally have sex more often and be more of a giver, while a women who is on the fence or unsure of her feelings will tend to play these sort of games. I think that maybe this girl is the latter of two.

[shelty24]

well im young and have never used it as a weapon so change that to some young women

 

She had sex with him and then turned around and say she wants to take it slow, stop for awhile, step back etc.. that is playing games. Its not fair to him. Its called mixed signals and it shows she wants to control the sex, call the shots and its on her terms only. He doesn't get a say which is manipulative and controlling.

 

It should be mutual, natural and with no stupid rules like "i dont want it to be all about sex" OP you have already proved you are not using her and this statement shows shes trying to make you feel guilty for something natural. Wanting to sleep with your gf is normal and dont let her manipulate you into thinking your the problem. People like her make nightmare partners (its not just some women who do this, some men do it too) and its a form of abuse IMO

[shelty24]

My bfs ex was like this and it really affected him. When he got with me he was always such a gentlemen, never took the initiative, afraid to be rejected and lacked confidence. When i realized the problem, i eventually told him i want him to rip my clothes off and throw me on the bed, be more assertive, seduce me and I am NOT going to reject him-not without a good reason and i will explain the reason if/when necessary so he doesn't feel bad about it.

 

This girl will shatter your self esteem and its not worth it. You could easily end up like that terrified to make a move on the next girl

[Marcel]

Well thanks everyone for the replies. While they make sense, i do feel like i know her better than you guys and perhaps i didn't state all facets of our relationship clearly.

She is a control freak and very stubborn. but i am really stubborn too. and i am getting cold feet but she's also a great girl who's very caring and loving.

 

i must emphasise that this is the first and only time it happened when she said she'd rather cuddle and talk than have sex, like she doesn't want to make the relationship all about sex. so i understand that we should maybe slow down and let things play out more naturally, spend more time building our bond... since we have spent a LOT of time together in the beginning for being only 2.5 months. so i understand that she might be starting to get worried about us because we have sex everytime we see eachother. she has OCD and ADD, her dads a doctor who put her on concerta so she can concentrate at university. she's very career orientated and has just applied for her honours and is getting a job next year. i'm struggling as a freelance graphic designer at the moment and she's still with me and very supportive and interested in helping me in my career.

 

i think maybe i'm the one who's being paranoid, and i must try and see it her way aswell. because she wants the relationship to last and so do I. that's why i came here, because i feel our love needs work and i'm not ready to move on or run away. i feel she deserves the benefit of the doubt, and i can see in her eyes and her smile that she loves me. in her behaviour too.

 

it's this impersonal instant messaging that's the probllem too, in which we can get into arguments because one of us doesn't completey understand the other.

 

i might add that she's 23 and i'm 32. so there's a gap there, i've been engaged before with a really manipulative who eventually moved to dubai to get away from me. this girl is nothing like my ex's, and she has far exceeded my other casual girlfriends in the past. i do love her and i feel this relationship is worth nurturing and growing. i tend to become a bit needy and desperate when i miss her due to my past heartbreaks, i'm a hopeless romantic but i have a dark side. she says she still feels connected to me when we're not together but when i told her that i feel the distance, and that i lose my connection she burst into tears and i could see that it hurt her feelings. i think we've both clearly got baggage but i do feel she's a great girl and her pros totally outweigh her cons. as i'm sure i have my cons aswell.

 

i just need help when i miss her. i need positive associations when i miss her and not paranoid delusions that she might forget about me. i forget sometimes that it's only been 2 months, i take for granted that our relationship moved very quickly in the beginning and we're a good match, i just need help with dealing with missing her. my heart pines for her. i'm just no good at relationships. when i love, i love deep and true and i develope unrealistic expectations.

[Marcel]

thanks i needed that

[shelty24]

You wear your heart on your sleeve, stick your head in the sand and ignore all the red flags you mean..

 

well don't say we didn't warn you. Give it another few months, see how that goes. If nothing improves id be walking

[mhowe]

Yeah...you left out a lot of important information.

Have you considered therapy to get over your insecurity?

Also...stop texting/im as soon as it appears something might have been misinterpreted!

 

And there is no need to have sex every time you are together.

Develop intimacy without sex.

[Marcel]

i have made love to her. i know it becuase i felt it too. she said that she's never felt that before, that she's never had anyone make her feel that way before. and to be honest, no one had ever made me feel like that before either. but usually it feels like we're just having sex and not 'making love', and i need that feeling again. just sex is great, but making love is the ultimate.

[mhowe]

Duh. But as I said...intimacy is as mental as it is physical.

[Marcel]

Yeah...you left out a lot of important information.

Have you considered therapy to get over your insecurity?

Also...stop texting/im as soon as it appears something might have been misinterpreted!

 

And there is no need to have sex every time you are together.

Develop intimacy without sex.

 

my question to you is how do we build intimacy without sex?

[mhowe]

Really? By getting to know her...her dreams, her aspirations. By having a date full of conversation and listening. By kissing without it leading to sex...just for the pure pleasure of kissing. By making her dinner or renting her favorite movie...by watching a ball game and explaining patiently the rules...

[Marcel]

I think perhaps i'm trying to distance myself because i know it's gonna be hard to miss her when she goes to italy over christmas and it's wrogn because i should be doing the opposite.

A bit of extra information to plead her case.

i'm diabetic type 1. i take insulin and stuff and she has never let that get in the way, in fact she's so supportive and she makes me food and takes care of me and shows genuine interst in my well being. would someone who doesn't care really do those things?

[Marcel]

thanks. that's reassuring, because then we're on the right track already

[mhowe]

Yeah..distance yourself. Brilliant maneuver... because she is going away for holidays.

[shelty24]

I think your getting confused. There is a difference between affection and intimacy. Affection is kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc whilst intimacy is sex and sexual contact. One doesn't always have to lead to another.

 

It kinda applies more to a long term relationship.. example kissing her goodbye in the morning, hug when you get home, flirting with each other, laughing together, curling up cuddling to watch a dvd is showing your affection..

some men forget to do all these little things as time goes on and only kiss her or cuddle her when they want sex.. which can and does turn her off sex coz she wants to feel loved ALL the time

 

that is the difference. You never stop showing your affection throughout the day/night if you want your relationship to last...

[Marcel]

i know right? i'm a fraggin genius.

 

well she's leaving on saturday. so i'm seeing her tomorrow and hopefully friday, perhaps see her off at the airport if that works out.

 

but any advice on how to deal with missing someone chronically. i mean i've also got a life and i got stuff to do, but i battle with the missing just the same.

[Marcel]

I think your getting confused. There is a difference between affection and intimacy. Affection is kissing, cuddling, holding hands etc whilst intimacy is sex and sexual contact. One doesn't always have to lead to another.

 

It kinda applies more to a long term relationship.. example kissing her goodbye in the morning, hug when you get home, flirting with each other, laughing together, curling up cuddling to watch a dvd is showing your affection..

some men forget to do all these little things as time goes on and only kiss her or cuddle her when they want sex.. which can and does turn her off sex coz she wants to feel loved ALL the time

 

that is the difference. You never stop showing your affection throughout the day/night if you want your relationship to last...

 

great advice, thank you. i'll do my best.

[shelty24]

But right now, I don't really know what advice to give you tbh. You have already been having sex so stopping now just to focus on the emotional connection seems really bizarre to me.. its just something that happens naturally as you fall in love and sex is a big part of the bonding process.. Trying to force it or putting rules on it just leads to resentment and power games IMO.

[Marcel]

But right now, I don't really know what advice to give you tbh. You have already been having sex so stopping now just to focus on the emotional connection seems really bizarre to me.. its just something that happens naturally as you fall in love and sex is a big part of the bonding process.. Trying to force it or putting rules on it just leads to resentment and power games IMO.

 

you're right about that. it seemed bizarre to me too. hence my confusion.

we're not stopping having sex, she did say to me that she just wants us to do more of the non-sexual bonding. which can't be a bad thing. and despite the stereotype, i'm a man who loves affection and cuddling and kissing, the more the better.