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Dumpee now in a Dumper's mindset


Achingheart

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Something happened to me recently I thought I would share with everyone who is desperately asking things like "quick! I need my ex back NOW!"

 

I of course, felt exactly the same in the beginning of this break up, and I struggled immensely to get myself out of that panic mode. I begged once, and I kept in touch with my ex, which was a big mistake! But I, too, thought that if I went into NC, perhaps the ex would forget me, think I had moved on and just gave up. Definitely not true.

 

Something happened to me that has made me wake up to myself and realize what is very wrong with that mode of thought. I met a guy and we went on maybe 6 dates (nothing more than a couple of kisses too). The first couple of dates he kept mentioning in conversation things about 'us' for the future, so I felt the need to tell him I was really not looking for something that serious. Well he kept pushing and pushing and pushing. The more I tried to give him the hint I wanted to take things slower, the more he would blow up my phone with silly txts like just my name or punctuation points. It p@@@ed me off so much! I decided I had to end the dating because he was just after something much more serious than me, and I knew it would hurt him more if we continued. So I told him I was not ready for another relationship, it is too soon after my breakup, if he does not want to remain friends I understand, and that he was a good looking, nice and charismatic man and I am sure he will meet someone soon. These things were all true.

 

Well it is like it went in one ear and out the other. He kept trying to kiss me, I didn't kiss back and he said 'how can you feel nothing for me?'. Later I received a Facebook msg saying he respects my decision. I spent the afternoon at home alone and I actually started to second guess myself. I had enjoyed the times we spent together. Was I passing up a great opportunity? Had I made a mistake in putting this guard up? Just as I was actually starting to miss him a bit, I get a Facebook msg again. It was not just begging, he told me flat out my decision was stupid and wrong. He then started to accuse me of all these things, like he had just broken up with his girlfriend too but he was ready, why wasn't I, that I judged him because my ex must be a stupid man, etc. I told him I was sorry but said the same things I had said before.

 

I started to get annoyed. How dare he tell me my decision is WRONG, it is MY decision who I let into my heart and bed! A few days went by and then the txt messages started. He was sending me sweet nothings as though we were dating. Then he started to send back messages I had sent to him, reading into them and saying they were a promise I had broken or to the like. I ignored all except one asking how I was, which I kept short. Then he dumped me off Facebook, and the messaging started again yesterday. I am hoping he has now gotten the hint.

 

Now obviously this was not a LTR or even a relationship. But not only has it made me realize I made the right decision, but he has come accross as a total nut job with that erratic, up and down behavior. Now of course, in a LTR you spend enough time with someone to know they are not crazy, so the dumper can usually understand more that the dumpee is just hurt; in this situation I am now just scared of seeing the guy because I don't know what he will do next lol.

 

But the point of this story is I realized that little moment of doubt I had about ending things with him, was completely erased by him telling me my decision was wrong, blowing up my phone with lovey dovey messages, and acting just plain crazy.

 

After a LTR, I believe you cannot completely screw things up by the little crazy streak, if you can correct that mistake by then going NC or giving a better, more sane impression before you go NC. But if you vanish, they will miss you, whether they act on their doubts or not. But there is nothing that will irritate someone more than telling them their decision is wrong and harassing them.

 

Do you agree?

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I agree totally! I had a friend (had known him about two years) who eventually wanted to be more than friends - I really liked him but there was no way I wanted a relationship! He persisted and persisted...wrote me long emails about how we were meant to be together and how silly I was for not being with him...told me he knew I really liked him, left pressies on my doorstep.....yada yada yada...I had to cut contact completely not because I didn't like him as a person, but because he really really annoyed me and I didn't want to be subjected to anymore of the lunacy or to do anything to hurt him even more!

I went NC and after a year or so we bumped into each other....we chatted and became friends again, and i was happy because I had missed his friendship......so yeah, NC all the way and you can't screw anything up!!!!

 

I also had a bf who accepted my decision to break up but then kept asking me to clarify things....after a few months of a drip drip question about this, question about that (which I felt guilted into answering) I told him I was not going to talk about this anymore - it really just was a nuisance by that stage....again, we reconnected as friends a looooong time later and now he is a good friend of mine.

 

Time and space does wonders, it really does and helps both sides to heal and move on.

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Totally agree, you are not hurting your chances by going NC, only improving them. If you had a strong LTR, it will be harder for the dumper.... Soooo NC is the only way. I got and ex back, successfully in the past, BUTTTTT, DO NOT get your hopes up. The fact is your ex does not feel the same way about you anymore, and they acted on their decision. MAYBE NC will retrigger the spark, but most likely it will not.

 

So just because you go NC, doesnt mean he or she will come back. Ultimately NC is to help you move on. Simultaneously you regain some of your power, which is empowering and makes you more attractive while you look for another relationship. Do not focus on reconciliation, it'll just delay your healing.

 

"IF" your ex eventually comes back (which is prob about a 20% chance), you will be in a much better position to know what to do.

 

 

Begging, pleading, negotiating, crying only makes you much worse off by killing your self worth and esteem and repels the ex even further away.

 

NC is really the ONLY option for anything positive to come out of this situation. So stand up for yourself and make the only choice you can possibly make.

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Totally! I think he was STILL messed up from his own previous break up- which, by looks of it, he has NOT dealt with that and having his fits & lashing out because he isn so 'lost mentally', now.

 

Yes, best to stay away from that messed up guy- always watch for those red flags.. mental/emotional.

Wish you the best..

 

tc

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"IF" your ex eventually comes back (which is prob about a 20% chance), you will be in a much better position to know what to do.

 

Make that a 5% chance -- at the very most. Contrary to what those "get your ex back" systems are selling, most breakups are for good, and nothing you do has any real impact on whether or not your ex changes their mind.

 

The only real benefit of going NC from that standpoint is it stops you from doing anything stupid, as did that guy in the OP.

 

It's sad that those "get your ex back" systems are trying to sell the concept that a dumpee can somehow CONTROL THE OUTCOME with their behavior.... 99 times out of a 100, they can't.

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But there is nothing that will irritate someone more than telling them their decision is wrong and harassing them.

 

Do you agree?

 

I so agree with this. More than one man has sunk his battleship with me just because they belittled my own decisions or thoughts or beliefs. This guy sounds so desperate to just be in a relationship with anyone that he gets upset when you don't agree to go along with his little fantasy. Time to block and delete him altogether since yes he's now being stalkerish and weird.

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Make that a 5% chance -- at the very most. Contrary to what those "get your ex back" systems are selling, most breakups are for good, and nothing you do has any real impact on whether or not your ex changes their mind.

 

The only real benefit of going NC from that standpoint is it stops you from doing anything stupid, as did that guy in the OP.

 

It's sad that those "get your ex back" systems are trying to sell the concept that a dumpee can somehow CONTROL THE OUTCOME with their behavior.... 99 times out of a 100, they can't.

 

Sharky, you're an absolute genius and a god-send, but I do think it's a little higher than 5%. I think the real reason most relationships are over for good is because, by the time the dumper does come snooping back around looking for a second chance, many dumpees just don't care anymore.

 

I do agree about the "get your ex back" things. Seems to be the only way to do that is to spend so much time away from them that you don't want them back. A cruel cycle..

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Sharky, you're an absolute genius and a god-send, but I do think it's a little higher than 5%. I think the real reason most relationships are over for good is because, by the time the dumper does come snooping back around looking for a second chance, many dumpees just don't care anymore.

 

I do agree about the "get your ex back" things. Seems to be the only way to do that is to spend so much time away from them that you don't want them back. A cruel cycle..

 

 

I have to agree with this. Most stories I know, by the time the dumper actually missed and wanted a second chance, the dumpee had moved on.

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"So just because you go NC, doesnt mean he or she will come back. Ultimately NC is to help you move on. Simultaneously you regain some of your power, which is empowering and makes you more attractive while you look for another relationship. Do not focus on reconciliation, it'll just delay your healing."

 

It is really so true. I am on Day 6 of NC and I feel sooo much better it is amazing, it is like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Now if I could only use that willpower to quit smoking...

 

I woke up to another message from Mr Crazy, he said I am obviously just like my ex, making up stories and then abandoning people (I didn't tell him that, I just said I was still hurt because my ex had asked me to move here then gave up on the relationship, no more details). But ouch did that one hurt! He seems to have created this imaginary relationship in his head where we were apparently in love and it was destiny to meet and I have done the dirty on him. This is why I usually turn down a man's offer for a date unless I know from the beginning I would want a relationship with them - they always turn into obsessive weird freaks (must have that magnet removed from my forehead).

 

Reafirms my original post, if the man didn't start harassing and insulting me, I would have kept in contact or maybe regretted my decision down the track when I was fully healed. Now, I am worried that he knows my address

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I have to agree with this. Most stories I know, by the time the dumper actually missed and wanted a second chance, the dumpee had moved on.

 

This always intrigues me too! I have usually always been the dumpee or they turned out to be nutjobs anyway so I would not reconsider, but I have read so many stories of it and am interested to know if it will happen to me too.

 

It is interesting though, most people I know have the idea that the dumper never truly loved you, if their feelings would change; so if they come back and the dumpee is not interested, does that mean the dumpee never really loved them too?

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Sharky, you're an absolute genius and a god-send, but I do think it's a little higher than 5%. I think the real reason most relationships are over for good is because, by the time the dumper does come snooping back around looking for a second chance, many dumpees just don't care anymore.

 

I do agree about the "get your ex back" things. Seems to be the only way to do that is to spend so much time away from them that you don't want them back. A cruel cycle..

 

Whoah, did someone just call me a genius? I'll take it!

 

Seriously though, I stand by that figure. You have to remember that most times when an ex comes back, there's usually another breakup down the road. Not always, but most times.

 

I think Dumpers get scared and second-guess themselves. They also get afraid they won't find anyone they like better..... many times they'll happily return to someone they weren't that into.... only to be reminded a few months later how un-into them they really were and break up again.

 

VERY rarely you have a case where it really was life circumstances -- and NOT a loss of feelings or meeting someone else -- that caused the breakup. I think the odds of a reconciliation working out in these cases are much higher. That's how it worked for me, anyway.

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Whoah, did someone just call me a genius? I'll take it!

 

Seriously though, I stand by that figure. You have to remember that most times when an ex comes back, there's usually another breakup down the road. Not always, but most times.

 

I think Dumpers get scared and second-guess themselves. They also get afraid they won't find anyone they like better..... many times they'll happily return to someone they weren't that into.... only to be reminded a few months later how un-into them they really were and break up again.

 

VERY rarely you have a case where it really was life circumstances -- and NOT a loss of feelings or meeting someone else -- that caused the breakup. I think the odds of a reconciliation working out in these cases are much higher. That's how it worked for me, anyway.

 

Sharky, you're on a roll... I just posted some similar ideas, called bedtime thought last night. You wrote "I think Dumpers get scared and second-guess themselves. They also get afraid they won't find anyone they like better..... many times they'll happily return to someone they weren't that into.... only to be reminded a few months later how un-into them they really were and break up again. "

 

Which is why I ask myself why would i even take my ex back after all this apathy? They arent driven by love, but rather by the fear that they cant find anyone better or by the fear of losing us as an option. So forever we will be plan "b" in their hearts. Personally that's a huge turn off, someone who is with you because either a) they have unrealistic expectations and b) they don't have the guts to find true love. They live in some kind of fantasy.

 

This is of course for those types of relationships. Sometimes people fall out of love, or it was never meant to me or maybe you need to lose someone to realize how much you loved them all along. But when you're just someone's back up plan, that's just pathetic.

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I'd agree, I've had every girl I've dated, even if it was for a few months, come back for 2nds, only for it to end and then even 3rds at which point I'm usually over it and just want friendship. Once my feelings are dead for someone, they typically cannot be resurrected, but I do give everyone a 2nd chance as stupid as it may sound.

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I'd agree, I've had every girl I've dated, even if it was for a few months, come back for 2nds, only for it to end and then even 3rds at which point I'm usually over it and just want friendship. Once my feelings are dead for someone, they typically cannot be resurrected, but I do give everyone a 2nd chance as stupid as it may sound.

 

Finally someone open to letting things evolve as they may, without acting like a victim. Most say just move on, but if you can emotionally divorce yourself to act like a proper bf/gf, I truly believe you can make it happen in most cases (assuming it's a LTR and you had a close bond). Can you elaborate a little more on your experiences Varkolak?

 

Ive had a couple of my exes come back too, one i was too much of a emotional wuss to know what to do when I was 19, who still contacted me even 10 years later! The other was recently, but like you said my feelings eventually died for her. I had one when I was 16 I totally blew that too, but she made herself available for reconciliation, i was just too wet behind the ears to realize and react appropriately. I really think it's a matter of how you react after the relationship that is the biggest determinant of how things evolve thereafter.

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