Sex BEFORE vs AFTER emotional connection is...

[B4551C]

So there is this girl I've been seeing the past month. Over the past few months I've been on lots of dates with different girls and my main objective was simply to get some, however after the first date with this last girl I haven't even bothered seeing anyone else even though we aren't exclusive. Ironically, this girl and I have not had sex yet, but I have been totally cool with it since I feel she is worth the wait. I'm a very confident person when it comes to the bedroom and I usually don't fret over such silly things such as "will she find me attractive naked, or what if she doesn't enjoy it?" So this girl and I have gone on 3 dates so far and we kissed on our last date (which was surprisingly a very powerful experience for me), and we have a 4th date planned for Friday night, and possibly another planned for Saturday night. The Friday night thing is actually not exactly a "date" in a traditional sense...she's hosting an "ugly sweater Christmas party''.

 

I am looking forward to this party, and being introduced to her friends hanging out in a group setting (which we haven't really done, yet). So knowing it will be a Christmas party thrown at her home, I will likely drink a more than safe amount to drive home. I mentioned this to her and asked if I could crash on her couch.

 

She responded with, "I appreciate you stating the couch, but I'm ready for a serious spoon session. You're with me, champ "

So right away I pick up on that, and tell her I would love to do that. But NOW I'm having this stupid anxiety about Friday night because I'm not used to forming a bond with someone BEFORE having sex with them. Actually I don't think I've EVER done that, so this is extremely nerve wrecking for me. I feel like I'm psyching myself out, blowin it out of proportion, but I can't help it. This girl and I seem to have very similar souls, values, goals, experience, etc. We have scratched the surface of a seemingly deep connection waiting to become unveiled. With that being said...

 

Why am I so nervous to have sex with a girl AFTER we've made a connection?! Is this normal? any advice on how to get over my anxieties?

[Goodfellas]

Yeah, you're nervous because you actually like this one and care about her opinion of you. The others you've been with were merely, as you put it, "to get some." In and out. Wham bam thank you ma'am. None to minimal connection there.

 

I can assure you when there is an emotional connection, when you've actually vetted someone and are "into" the sex can be transformative. You have a synergy of physical, emotional and mental attractions at play and it (can be) faaaaaantastic!

[ecaryn]

Nothing more of value that I can add to the previous response, however, I do want to caution you on your assumption she means sex. To avoid curtailing an otherwise promising relationship, I would approach it from the perspective that she only means a night of cuddling and let her take the lead on instigating anything further.

[B4551C]

Yeah, you're nervous because you actually like this one and care about her opinion of you. The others you've been with were merely, as you put it, "to get some." In and out. Wham bam thank you ma'am. None to minimal connection there.

 

I can assure you when there is an emotional connection, when you've actually vetted someone and are "into" the sex can be transformative. You have a synergy of physical, emotional and mental attractions at play and it (can be) faaaaaantastic!

 

Well I HAVE had sex with a girl where we had a seriously deep emotional connection, but before were simply messing around long before the connection happened. I actually enjoy the emotional sex more than the alternative, but I haven't really felt the need to make a deep connection with anyone lately because I've had a lot on my plate. But this just happened, of course the universe couldn't care less about your perfect plan so here I am. Crushing hard over this girl who (from what I can tell) shares the same infatuation with me.

 

The fact that I care about her before the sex makes me feel like I'm a virgin all over again. In a past serious relationship I didn't stress over it so much because we had casual sex long before the emotional connection blossomed.

 

How do I quell this nervousness? I don't want to be awkward and weird, but that's what I'm anticipating ATM.

[B4551C]

Nothing more of value that I can add to the previous response, however, I do want to caution you on your assumption she means sex. To avoid curtailing an otherwise promising relationship, I would approach it from the perspective that she only means a night of cuddling and let her take the lead on instigating anything further.

Does that happen? A girl inviting you to spend the night for the first time just to cuddle? Not that I would care THAT much, I mean I reeeeeeally like this girl so I'd be willing to wait at most a couple more months, but I had no idea this happens. Might she be testing me? If I try to initiate, would that be too forward? I mean you invited me to sleep with you, so why would you not want me to sleep with you?

[lavenderdove]

I don't think she's testing you... but if she says 'serious spooning session', it may be about cuddling and spooning/making out and not anything more. So just look at it like all you're going to do is spoon and cuddle unless she lets you know she wants more. And let her know that, that it's up to her whether she just wants to spoon or go for it.

 

But I suspect once the spooning starts up, any anxiety you have will evaporate because you'll get into it...

[B4551C]

 

But I suspect once the spooning starts up, any anxiety you have will evaporate because you'll get into it...

 

And if I become aroused, do you think she would become offended? I am totally cool with just cuddling/making out, but I will likely have a hard situation that is not easy to hide under the same sheets

[IAmFCA]

Focus on your enjoyment being with one another. Think of your physical connection like a conversation, just without words.

 

If you replace your thoughts about "sex" with these thoughts about a conversation, then it may help you relax and simply be present.

 

This is not, on any level, about performance, success, orgasm, any of that. This is about a conversation without (so many) words.

[BigKK]

And if I become aroused, do you think she would become offended? I am totally cool with just cuddling/making out, but I will likely have a hard situation that is not easy to hide under the same sheets

 

If you get aroused while spooning and cuddling, making out with an attractive female I would say you sound like a healthy male!

[IAmFCA]

And if I become aroused, do you think she would become offended? I am totally cool with just cuddling/making out, but I will likely have a hard situation that is not easy to hide under the same sheets

 

No, we are used to that. Just be respectful with your parts.

[ThatwasThen]

Nothing more of value that I can add to the previous response, however, I do want to caution you on your assumption she means sex. To avoid curtailing an otherwise promising relationship, I would approach it from the perspective that she only means a night of cuddling and let her take the lead on instigating anything further.

 

I suggest that if it's not clear that you will be having sex with her that you stay OUT of her bed. You are not a human teddy bear to be cuddled. If you go to bed and sleep with her before you have sex, you will be even more angst ridden and insecure then you already are. If it's clear that once you get in that bed that sex will be happening, (through her reactions to your advances prior to sleep time) then by all means sleep there with her afterwards. Otherwise you risk the chance that she's going to place you on the friends ladder and since you like her so much, you certainly don't want to be on that rung.

 

IMO: In order to keep it real and so you both known that you're in that bed for the same reason... Keep her bed for sleeping for after you've already become intimate. In the meantime, the couch is the best place for you to sleep off your drunken state.

 

Adding:

How do I quell this nervousness? I don't want to be awkward and weird, but that's what I'm anticipating ATM.

When you get into it... this will all disappear. You're in your own head too much right now is all. Don't be "awkward and weird" obsessed when you don't even know if she wants to have you as her lover (which you want too) or just a human teddy bear.

[shelty24]

I dont like guys who just wana "get some" so no advice from me...

[ThatwasThen]

Uhm.. it takes women who just wanna get some right back for a guy to be successful on just getting it. Takes two to tango and if it's two consenting adults then why are you singling out "the guy?" Serious question.

[justagirl2]

As a girl, I think you are overthinking this. Even if you get nervous, sex isn't great the first time, it won't turn her off at all if she really likes you. Sex is different for girls and it's hard to have an amazing first time with anyone so we are expecting that already. If you don't get tooooo weird, it won't change anything if your performance is not the best in the first time.

[B4551C]

I dont like guys who just wana "get some" so no advice from me...

 

I only stated this to show how I have a much deeper connection with this girl compared to other girls. I by no means trick a girl into sleeping with me by pretending to have a deeper connection than I have. About 10 minutes into our first date, my intentions quickly and seamlessly transitioned from casual sex partner prospect to something more meaningful hence, why I feel so nervous about sleeping with her.

 

I agree with another poster who said something along the lines of me becoming a human teddy bear would likely increase my insecurities. My main issue is this; I am not worried about performance once it starts I have much confidence in my performance, it's the initiation that I am more worried about. I usually just be myself, and typically let the girl make all the first moves. I've NEVER been one to initiate because of some weird fear of rejection, but up until this girl it hasn't really been an issue because most girls I end up sleeping with make it obvious that they want to sleep with me. This girl threw a curveball at me, which is prolly one of many reasons why I am so infatuated with her.

[ecaryn]

I wouldn't worry about the couch coasting. You've already done the appropriate offering and she's declined that offer. My opinion is that relegating yourself to the couch after her suggesting her bed would move you into the friend zone much quicker than acting like responsible adults and simply telling her you find her attractive, are interested in progressing your relationship, but want to be respectful of whatever boundaries she has in mind at this point. Then under the covers you go.

[IAmFCA]

I agree that sharing a bed does not equal sex in the narrow sense. I think it does equal sexual behavior -- touching, oral, whatever. She is trying to get to know you more intimately, slowly. An extended courtship under the covers without sex itself might lead to the longest lasting relationship you can imagine. Just see what is comfortable for you together, and think of "initiating" as initiating one step and one step only. That way, you don't feel like you are advancing the ball too quickly down the field.

[t1lersm0m1]

I thought the exact same thing. She said spooning, nothing more. So don't go into this "expecting" sex.

 

Nothing more of value that I can add to the previous response, however, I do want to caution you on your assumption she means sex. To avoid curtailing an otherwise promising relationship, I would approach it from the perspective that she only means a night of cuddling and let her take the lead on instigating anything further.

[B4551C]

I thought the exact same thing. She said spooning, nothing more. So don't go into this "expecting" sex.

 

No of course not. I would NEVER expect sex from anyone. I just have more than a strong hunch that she wants that but didn't want to come off as too easy. Of course if I go to this party, get a good buzz going, and we go into bed with her and I am not getting the "green light" I would certainly wonder what I'm doing wrong. I think I am just going to feel out her intentions during the party, if she's being really touchy, or licks/bites her lip while engaged in a conversation with me then I think that will produce the confidence to whisper how I'd like to end the night in her ear. If she doesn't give many clues, or mixed signals, I'll just follow her lead.

[shelty24]

Uhm.. it takes women who just wanna get some right back for a guy to be successful on just getting it. Takes two to tango and if it's two consenting adults then why are you singling out "the guy?" Serious question.

 

Coz the guy posted it. I don't like people who use others for sex whether mutual or not.. sex to me is more personal so i wouldn't date someone who has been all over town and would not trust them. I feel that these people use sex as a way to escape from issues such as insecurity, commitment phobe, mommy issues, daddy issues, emotional immaturity, emotionally unavailable etc etc and i don't think its healthy. That's just how I feel about it. I couldn't have meaningless sex with a stranger or just casually f**k someone coz I am lonely or whatever. Id rather be alone, deal with my issues and then connect with someone

[B4551C]

Coz the guy posted it. I don't like people who use others for sex whether mutual or not.. sex to me is more personal so i wouldn't date someone who has been all over town and would not trust them. I feel that these people use sex as a way to escape from issues such as insecurity, commitment phobe, mommy issues, daddy issues, emotional immaturity, emotionally unavailable etc etc and i don't think its healthy. That's just how I feel about it. I couldn't have meaningless sex with a stranger or just casually f**k someone coz I am lonely or whatever. Id rather be alone, deal with my issues and then connect with someone

 

Yeah but sex to me can be enjoyed with our without a connection. Even when in a LTR there are times when I wanted to just have sex to have sex. Not because I had some issues to deal with, or because I was escaping from anything.

 

If you think having sex just for the simple fact that it feels good is wrong then I'm afraid your missing out imo.

[shelty24]

In a relationship you can have both kinds of sex and enjoy it coz you feel safe with that person..

 

I dont believe people have sex with strangers just coz they enjoy sex.. i think its coz they are insecure and need to validate their ego..

[B4551C]

In a relationship you can have both kinds of sex and enjoy it coz you feel safe with that person..

 

I dont believe people have sex with strangers just coz they enjoy sex.. i think its coz they are insecure and need to validate their ego..

 

That's a good point, and I agree that a LOT of people do have sex with strangers for validation. however, I feel there are exceptions like all things in life. I personally don't think having random hook-ups with someone who is feeling spontaneous as well makes me untrustworthy, nor do I feel it sheds any of my insecurities. I love emotional connections with people, but sometimes I just want to get off, and becoming emotionally invested with someone prior sometimes takes away from the spontaneity. I have not had any hook-ups with anyone since dating this girl though, because like I said before, I enjoy the emotional connection we have far more than I would enjoy a one-night-stand.

[Excelsior]

Dude, what ever happens tonight when your spooning or going for it, dont get nervous or anxious.

 

incidentally, intergrating you into her life (i.e friends) means she is serious about you.

[ExcitedtoSleep]

Good luck tonight man.

 

Start out pretending that your penis does not exist, and if she happens to care that you have one, try to remember how it works.