Found Out His Real Identity, Told Him, Now He Won't Talk To Me

[hidalgo23]

I'm a twenty-something gay male who could use some advice. For the last six weeks, I've been chatting online with another twenty-something gay male who lives in the same city as I do. Things seemed to be going pretty well; we'd been exchanging messages about five times per week, and have a lot in common. About two weeks into it, I asked if he'd like to get together for coffee. He nicely replied that he wasn't ready to get together with anybody in real life, as he was very busy. He did say that he might hit me up if things quieted down. I said that was okay, and that I hoped I'd get to meet him some day.

 

Soon after that, I figured out who he was based on the details in his messages and profile. A five-minute Google search revealed lots of things about him. He is an elementary school teacher who works with several education-related charity organizations. He is not yet out in real life. I think that these are the reasons why he is not ready to meet up.

 

We kept chatting, and he gradually started telling me more details about himself. I felt very dishonest by continuing to chat without telling him that I knew who he was. A week ago, I sent him a message gently explaining how I'd found out who he was. I said that I understood if he wanted to keep his identity private. I also told him my full name (we've been on a first-name basis for five weeks). He read the message the day I sent it, and has not responded to me since. I sent him a short message two days ago saying that I was sorry if I'd made him uncomfortable. He read that message yesterday, and has not responded. In the past, he would respond to messages within about five minutes of reading them.

 

So what do you think? Have I screwed things up? I was afraid that I'd scare him off by telling him I knew who he was, but not telling him felt so dishonest. I'd like to reach out to him again, but I think that any future contact would be unwelcome. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[Seraphim]

Yes ,I think he has been scared off. It is obviously something that he had no wish to reveal in real life. He wants to come out when he wants come out not at the risk of somebody else revealing it by accident. I think he is afraid of you now. It is probably best not to pursue him anymore.

[lerenard]

I think he had all the right to reject your request to meet up, and he has all the right to stay secretive about his orientation.

Yes, I think you scared him away by "goggling him" and then telling him "hey, I know who you are and why you are hiding from the world!".

If you say you are OK with not meeting, then be OK with that. You clearly wasn't.

Stop contacting him.

[DancingFool]

Ummm....what you did would come accross as crossing boundaries and a violation of privacy..... It's not like he gave you his full name and figured you'd probably look him up. He didn't and thought he was reasonably anonymous, being honest with you to whatever degree he is comfortable and slowly warming up to more as time went along. You went and pushed that instead of being patient with him. Can't blame him for dropping you cold. Stop contacting him and going forward maybe refrain from doing things like that or at least be quiet about it. Knowing more than you are told will weird people out.

[emma34]

Ya he is likely scared off. Don't feel too bad for googling him. Frankly if I was considering meeting with someone online, I would definiately be googling them. I met my fiance online, I knew who he was before we met too, but I kept it to myself because I wasn't sure how he would react. Turned out it would have been positive since we had lots of friends in common. Your situation is different though. My assumption would be he is not out, not even considering coming out...you'll have to just be patient with him. I don't thinnk necessarily you've done anything wrong...but it doesn't sound like it's going to work out...

[annie24]

yeah, he's scared off, but maybe that's not a bad thing? i mean, you've been chatting for long enough to want to meet in person and if he's not ready to reveal his identity to you after 6 weeks, forget it. I am guessing you googled his email address and found it was linked to his real name? I don't think that is a huge invasion of privacy.

[lavenderdove]

I think the issue here is that all he ever wanted was a pen pal and not a relationship. He's not out in real life, and also is working in a field that doesn't always take kindly to anyone of varying orientations so he is probably being very cautious for lots of reasons. Not fair, but true. And many people don't want to come out openly, and that is their choice.

 

So you need to let it go... I don't think that you violated his privacy because information available on the internet is public, BUT if he has expressly said he's not interested in taking this further into a relationship rather than just an online correspondence, then you are pushing for something he is not interested in. So his silence is letting you know what he already told you, that he doesn't want to meet up with you or get too personal with this.

 

One caveat to all online dating is to not waste much time at all with someone before asking for a meeting with them. No more than a week of writing back and forth and ask for a meeting. If they won't agree to meet face to face, then they just aren't really available for a relationship with you (for whatever reason), and you shouldn't waste any more time on them.

 

If you've already reached out to him twice and he didn't respond, then let it go. He could easily contact you if he wanted to, and if he isn't doing that, so doesn't want to and you need to back off or he'll think you're a stalker.

[Fudgie]

I think Googling someone is fine. I did it with everyone when I dated online. You can't be blamed for that and anyone who says you "shouldn't" Google someone is a fool. Google can save you a lot of time.

 

That being said, I don't think you should have told him. You should have kept that info to yourself. Not everyone wants to be out. Especially teachers who teach young kids. People are ignorant and if he were out, he could be called a pedophile in some places. Sad but true: some people are real idiots and they coild cost him his job.

 

Next time, Google away but don't tell the other person that you're doing it. Even if you find out something bad on Google, you don't have to tell them, just cut contact.

[hidalgo23]

Thank you to everyone for the responses. There are a couple of things I could have been clearer about. At first he had on his profile that he was looking for guys to date. When I asked if he wanted to meet up, he said he was too busy to pursue anything in real life, but might be interested in the future. He also updated his profile to remove the part about being interested in dating.

 

I figured out who he was by connecting two personal details he had posted on his profile. Other people could do the same thing. It's important for him to know that, especially given his profession. That was one of the reasons I decided to tell him.

 

I agree that leaving the ball in his court is the right thing to do. I'm still hoping I haven't wrecked things entirely ... this would not be the first time that I freaked somebody out by figuring something out.

[LoveStudent76]

I think that you did the write thing my communicating with him how easy it is to find out his real identity. Its good for him to know this regardless of what he is looking for online.

 

He was definitely scared off though, to him, you crossed a boundary he wasn't quite ready for. But I do believe you've done all you can, by offering to keep his identity a secret. All thats left now is to give the gentlemen the time and space needed.

 

Good luck with everything!

[BigKK]

I think perhaps what you did was to help him pointing out how to be more private, but in the same token you probably sabotaged yourself with any chances.

 

You internet detectived him and that comes off as creepy.

[Scorpion Fury]

I wouldn't reply to you either. You came accross as a total stalker when you revealed all that stuff about him. I'm not saying you did something weird at all. I think most of us would be curious and do some research, but it's one of those things you keep to yourself.

[mhowe]

Yeah --- and he is afraid you will out him. Because it is one thing to gain the knowledge --- it is another to tell him you know.

That comes off like...blackmail.

[hidalgo23]

Yeah --- and he is afraid you will out him. Because it is one thing to gain the knowledge --- it is another to tell him you know.

That comes off like...blackmail.

 

My hope was to avoid that by telling him my full name as well. I, like he, am not completely out, and I too work in a profession where there could be serious consequences if it were to become known that I was trying to meet other guys online. Through our conversations, he knows just absolutely much about me as I do about him.

[mhowe]

You investigated him with limited knowledge. Stalker-esque. Told him -- and gave him your name.

 

I don't see any comfort in that --- mutually assured destruction.

[greta96]

All I have to say is that if I ever find out someone had googled me (and I'm sure many people have, but at least I don't know about it), I would drop that person on the spot. I know googling is the fashion these days, but to me is screams "stalker" and I want nothing to do with such people. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how crazy I am about you - you googled me, you're out.

[Seraphim]

All I have to say is that if I ever find out someone had googled me (and I'm sure many people have, but at least I don't know about it), I would drop that person on the spot. I know googling is the fashion these days, but to me is screams "stalker" and I want nothing to do with such people. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how crazy I am about you - you googled me, you're out.

 

That is how I feel too.

[mhowe]

Before the internet, I knew a woman who would hire a private detective to research men she was dating. I thought it was beyond odd.

[ThatwasThen]

I think you crossed a boundary by doing what you did but i think when you're online dating you shouldn't be worried about someone elses sensibilities prior to getting to know them. We all want to know if who we are talking to is a serial killer or not, married or not, has a penchant for being arrested or not... afterall.

 

You need to protect yourself and if some guy is on an online dating site and is TOO busy to actually meet, then that should have been enough for you to back away without having to do what you did. You hadn't even met him yet. But: What is his point of being on there if he's too busy to do anything with those he pulls in? Red Flag in itself. Next time, no need to reveal your discoveries unless you're getting serious with one another.

 

You dodged a bullet and he did too is my verdict.

[Filistata]

An online friend did this to me once, a few weeks after talking online, he just randomly "Is your last name ____?" and it was, I had been very secretive about my information, and yet he still somehow managed to find me. This really really scared me, because when you're talking to someone online, you're taking a lot of risks, it can be scary, and you have to trust that the person you're speaking with isn't a crazy person. As soon as you give them that doubt, it might scare them off, especially if it isn't something they've had much experience in. As someone else mentioned, there's nothing wrong with googling someone, I actually think it's pretty normal, I know I've done it, but actually telling the person that you've looked them up online probably isn't a good idea.

[Fudgie]

Before the internet, I knew a woman who would hire a private detective to research men she was dating. I thought it was beyond odd.

 

I agree that's a bit much. I don't see why it's bad to do a little searching on someone before meeting them. When I online dated, I was very selective about who I met offline. I paid a few dollars for a quick criminal history report on those I was going to meet. I didn't bring it up but anyone with felonies or even misdemeanors or even disorderlies didn't hear another word from me. I'd like to think I saved myself a lot of time. I don't know why more women won't do it.

 

If the person doesn't know you searched for them, what's the harm? I welcome any guy to pull a background check on me. I have nothing to hide

[missmarple]

About two weeks into it, I asked if he'd like to get together for coffee. He nicely replied that he wasn't ready to get together with anybody in real life, as he was very busy. He did say that he might hit me up if things quieted down. I said that was okay, and that I hoped I'd get to meet him some day.

 

And that's when you should have just stopped contacting him until he was ready to meet you.

If you had arranged a meeting, googling him and telling him about it when you met, would be fine, in my opinion. You want to make sure you're not going out with a serial killer, after all. But, when he wasn't even ready to have a cup of coffee with you, what made you think he'd be ok with you knowing his personal details?

Treat what happened as a lesson. First, don't waste time on people who aren't ready to meet you and second, if your curiosity gets the better of you, keep your mouth shut..you may have the best intentions in the world but, to him, you're just a stranger...no wonder he got scared.

[hidalgo23]

In case anyone's wondering how things turned out, he eventually sent me a message saying he understood why I would have wanted to know who he was. And he said he appreciated knowing who I was. We'll see how things work out.