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A Letter To My Ex - Post Your Letters To Your Ex Here!


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They say one of the good ways of healing after a break-up is to write a letter to your ex but NEVER send it. I thought it'd be a nice idea for a thread where we could post these lettters because A) When you press that "reply" button you can imagine you're sending it to your ex B) It's "out there" so there's no hiding from the break-up and C) We can all give each other support. Here's my letter...

 

To J,

We were only together for 5 months, but it was so intense. You came into my life from nowhere and you promised me so much, but gave me so little. It's been 4.5 weeks since you so cruellly broke up with me the day before my Birthday - who does that?! Seriously!! Friends wonder why I am still so hung up on you after you did that AND with your "trust" game that you told me you played to see if I really did trust you. The ironic thing is when we were together I DID trust you; it's now only after you've dumped me that I don't! Why then is it that I am still so hung up on you???!! Why does it hurt so much??!! I guess because I put everything I had into you. I gave you too much. You gave me too little.

 

Finding out you're seeing someone else already is a double blow - I cannot stop thinking about her with you doing all the things together that you'd promised to do with me. The thought of you having sex with her makes me want to crawl under a rock and never resurface. I won't though because I'm better than that.

 

Why am I the one who ends up spending Christmas alone? Yes, I have my friends and family, but it doesn't fill the void you have left me with. I cannot hate this girl you are now seeing (I refuse) she is only 23, a spring Chicken, is that why you're seeing her? She's 8 years younger than me, 5 than you - is she easier to control than me?

 

When I think back to when we first started dating I was so happy - I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life and you added to that happiness. Now? Well, now I am an empty shell of my former self. I have lost my "zest" for life. This started happening long before you ended things, but you didn't help, I was screaming from the inside for you to be there for me like a boyfriend is meant to but you ignored it. You made it all about you. You turned it around on me. On break-up day you made it all my fault. Now the dust is settling I see that it isn't. Is that what hurts most? Knowing that I would've took a bullet for you but you would have pulled the trigger on me? You did pull the trigger on me. You have blasted my heart into a million pieces.

 

Do you think of me? I wonder because you've moved on so fast. There's been a few texts but communication has now ceased - my choice. I'm going NC. Do you even realise that? Of course you don't, your attentions are now preoccupied with "newbie." Did you even mourn the loss of our relationship? Did you actually even care? Why did your friend H send me a message the other day asking how I was doing, did you put her upto that? "It's not ideal about you and J..." were her words.

 

I honestly thought that we could've sorted out our problems if only we'd talk to each other more, but you gave up on me. You didn't fight. Did you not fight because you don't care? I keep thinking "if only" I'd got in touch with you post break-up you wouldn't have gone back to online dating and met "newbie." I can't keep blaming myself but I know you're stubborn. You told me plenty of times that you were. Even if you wanted to get back together your pride would get in the way wouldn't it? Typical Taurus. Right?!

 

I am struggling so much right now knowing that you've moved on so quickly when I am still stuck in the place of wanting to be with you even though you don't deserve me. I miss you or do I miss what I thought we might have been?

 

I don't know how long your new relationship will last - is she a rebound? or is she "the one"? or will the same issues resurface with her that you had with me? So many unanswered questions.

 

I don't know what I want from you now - I miss your constant texting, I miss our nights in of vegging with a film, I miss you singing (badly) to songs in the Car, I miss your twinkly eyes, I miss your legs being slobbed over me whilst I massaged them, I miss you trying to teach me how to place bets on footy matches and not understanding, I miss our "random days of fun", I miss the banter we had... it hurts writing what I miss about you because I am certain those things are what's making "newbie" smile now. She probably feels so happy and amazing right now. I can't deal with you feeling like that too. Where's the justice? You know it's not what I wanted. I'll tell you what I miss most in the world though, the one thing that cripples me more than anything I have just written, the thing that hurts so much I cannot put into words...the person I was BEFORE I met you.

 

Goodbye,

C

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Dear Jerkface,

Yes, you're a jerkface. You can try all you want not to be one, but you are one. You never ever gave me a chance. You never gave me the benefit of the doubt. It had to be on your terms or you would hold your friendship as collateral. Well that's not fair. That's a move.

The difference between you and me, is that I know I hurt you. I know how much I hurt you. And i have tried from the very first second not to hurt you. It was not something I set out to do. And the fact that I hurt you HURT ME. The guilt I have been living with comes from that.

The difference between you and me, is that I never lived up to your expectations. You made that abundantly clear. I'm not as spontaneous as M, as free as R, as fun as Z. I'm a bad friend. I have demons in my head. So why? Why put me and yourself through this? Unless you just like the drama, which I'm starting to think you do.

The difference between you and me is that you don't know how much you hurt me. You asked me to trust you and I did. More than anyone. Me, the broken girl who has been stabbed in the back and left time and time again by the people closest to me. I trusted YOU. But you never trusted me. Never. I think back on all the times you accused me of lying. On the times you thought I was playing a joke on you. On the time you accused me of sleeping around with people when I told you you were my first ing kiss! And to this day you question. You question if I lied, if I meant any of it. How could you question that? How could you question me and tell me you love me?

The difference between you and me is that I would have stayed in your life, as painful as it would have been to watch you fall in love with someone else. I would have stayed, and I would have been there for you, and for her, whoever she was, if she could make you happy. I promised you that. I swore to you. And you have the nerve to tell me that I don't love you like you love me. That I was infatuated. You were the one infatuated since your so-called love is something you can old against me and hold ransom from me if you don't get what you want.

I have been living with guilt for a year and I had to get out of that. I have been begging you for a year to let the idea of us go. And you haven't. You promised me! You promised me we would be friends. You said bride or bridesmaid and I said bridesmaid. You said soul mates. You said best friends. You said so much and lived up to nothing. Yet you look at me and say I didn't live up to your expectations. As a friend, as person. You gave me ing guidelines! To be your friend! Guidelines. And I tried! I tried. And when I tried to be this 'friend' you expected me to be you tried for more when I told you more was not possible. More was hurting me. And you say you love me. And you say I don't love you.

The last night we hung out, I was sick, and I was tired, and I just wanted to sleep. But I dragged myself out to see YOU. Not the other people there. YOU. Because I miss you. I was HAPPY because I was with you. And you turned all that against me.

You say I hurl all my conditions of being against someone who loves me. But my truth? How I feel? Is that YOU hurl everything I told you, every fear, every vulnerability, every piece of information I trusted you with against my better judgment, in my face.

AND THAT IS THE REASON I WON'T FIGHT FOR YOU! Cos you know what? It came to that. You blame my family? Well, I've been so clearly miserable that it came to that. To them backing off if I said I wanted this and I was sure you wouldn't hurt me. And I couldn't say that. Because you have already hurt me time and time again. And if I fight for you or for us, or however you like to put it, it should not be because I'm feeling emotionally blackmailed by you.

I don't know if we'll ever speak again. Right now that's what I want most and I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY! But if we do it needs to be different. And if we don't? I may regret it for a while. But I like to believe there's someone out there who will try not to hurt me, who will not use my issues against me. Who doesn't point out my white hairs or my fat fingers....

Elle

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oh and by the way, I wish all the people you've been hanging out with knew what you said about them. just saying. you called k fat and laughed at her, and find her clingy. you called r 'retared-looking'. you almost stopped talking to a until i pointed out what a good friend she was to you. you hate b - and didn't talk to me for 3 days when i said he's a nice guy. and this last 'break-up' was because you thought something was going on between me and RH and yet you're still talking to him - but not me. i don't know if you're looking for someone to fill up the long hours I used to spend just texting and chatting with you. or if you just want to rub my face in it. either way that makes you a jerk.

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