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Live to Dream


AnotherBrokenDoll
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Hey ABD.

 

Long time no talk. Awesome to hear about your new BF, sounds like a dream come true! Just be careful that he's not too good to be true, you know? As in, don't go rushing into any brash decisions. LDRs are definitely tough, but at least he's not that far away, and with the right person it's definitely worth the struggle. I wish nothing but the best for ya and I'm happy to see you happy. You deserve it!

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  • 10 months later...
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Thank you LikeWater. I think I was a little in dream land last time I posted.

 

Almost a year on and I am still with him. He is still a good man. And in a lot of ways far too good for me.

 

Hard to explain my current life.

 

I'm struggling with my own battles. Depression. Social anxiety. Food. Self harm. Insecurities. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up. I feel like I'm still 15 years old. Awkward. Alone. Living my life for my horses. To think that just over a year ago I was engaged, I'd bought my first home, I was ready to start my life. I know I deserve this unhappiness and that it was self inflicted. Anyone that wants to judge will never think as poorly of me as I do myself.

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I have no close friends. I got torn to pieces all day at work. And barely made it to the paddock in sunlight. Let alone having enough time to actually ride or enjoy my horses. Why did I think moving here and that this job was a good idea? So unhappy currently.

 

I'll just day dream about winning the lotto and never having to work again. God that would be amazing. I would ride all day every day.

 

But then reality hits and up I get to get ready for another day of torture.

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Haha I know right! It would be amazing.

 

It's just so frustrating that in the move up here I have sacrificed my qualification and a happy work environment as well as losing about $300 a week as well My Agistment cost also quadrupled itself so my expenses are more than ever and I'm really struggling financially.

 

I had so much more free time as well when I was in Brisbane because I could work less hours and do different shifts - so I could ride normally 4 - 5 x per week. Now I'm lucky to fit 3 rides in. My pony and I are both loosing fitness and we hadn't jumped anything in about 5 months (well except for a pole on the ground which Sunny decided needed to be lept over instead of stepped over lol)

 

I've also just agreed to a 3 year contract at work. Which the thought of which is killing me. I try not to complain at work at all. But it's definitely a struggle.

 

I need to get the boyfriend to get a better job - earn the big bucks somehow haha. I am an amazing housewife when given the chance

 

I say all this, but really I am far too proud to not work and earn my own money. I don't hate what I do and so many people would kill to have a job. Especially up here. So I'll quit my whinging about it and suck it up.

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  • 4 months later...

I'm 26 years old in a month and i'm still doing the same things i've been doing since i was 12. Binge, purge, fast, cut.. People look at me and think i have my life in order. But the truth is every single day I wish i didn't have to wake up. Every single day i wish i could just fall asleep and not have to deal with any of this anymore. No one knows what's going on in my head and i don't want anyone to know. But it's so bloody hard on my own. I've tried so hard to stop all of this. I've tried to just bloody grow up! But i can't move on from here. I go out drinking and my female friend puts her hand on my leg to try and get me to communicate better because i'm so freaking wasted i don't even know what i'm saying and i loose my and beg her not to hurt me. I've been with James for about 18 months and still i pull away from him shaking at times. I tell him that all i want is for him to want me and to feel like he can't control himself around me but then i know that if he really was like that i'd be terrified. He can't win. If he doesn't make a move he thinks i'm disgusting. If he does then he scares me and he is such a good man and he doesn't want to do that and i know all of this now as i'm typing it and i'm rational. But in the moment something takes over my body. I can't hear what he says i can't see past the images in my own damn head. It's pathetic!! 26 years old and still my journal is exactly what it was when i was 14.. What does that say about me?

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Well my friend, you have to let people in so that they can help you. This isn't something you have to go through alone. You need a support team working for you and helping you fight for the life you deserve.

 

You are a wonderful person who happens to need some help. That's all. That doesn't say anything about you other then you need some assistance. And we all do from time to time. We aren't meant to go through everything without support. Whether that's emotional, medical, mental health, or whatever. If you are at a point where you are "stuck" in a cycle then lets get you some help to get "unstuck". You don't just grow out of some things. Some things will take some intervention and help. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

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  • 9 months later...

Not too much has changed since my last entry almost a year ago - yet everything has changed at the same time.. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, eating disorder not otherwise specified and bipolar. I’m on medications. I’ve lost everything in my life and i think i’m about to lose my horses. They are the one thing that gets me up every day. I don’t know how i’ll survive. But i honestly don’t think i can afford to keep them.

 

I’ve done something i am so angry at myself for. And no matter what i do now, i’m going to hurt someone. And either way, i’ll hurt myself. I’ve never been someone who ever would intentionally hurt anyone. And here i am leaving a trail of broken hearts behind me. I have no one to talk too. There is no one i can go too and fall apart with and just talk it out, because there’s no one in my life who wouldn’t judge me.

 

I feel like I’ve never learnt to stand on my own two feet. I’ve always relied on someone else. And i don’t want too anymore. I want to go out and experience my life. I want to see where is crazy messed up world takes me.

 

My heads a mess. My hearts a mess. I don’t know what i want or how to get it once i figure it out. I’m torn between what’s sure and what’s a complete risk. I could end up making an even bigger mess out of my life. I could end up worse than i am now. But is the fear of failing worth staying here when i long to find out if there’s something more?

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How do people do this intentionally? How do you break someone’s heart. I don’t even understand how people can do what they do and feel nothing. I feel everything. I don’t want to hurt the people around me. I don’t want anyone to get hurt by me. Maybe i shouldn’t be allowed to date. I think i leave before things get too serious. I walk away so i don’t get hurt. But there’s something in my heart that’s crying out for something more. He loves me the way i loved my ex.. Purely, unconditionally. I wish i felt that way about him, but i think in all honesty i just loved that someone loved me so much. I loved being with someone and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that they won’t hurt me. But now here i am.. Stuck in a situation where i know i’ll hurt him instead. And i think that feeling is worse..

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I broke someone’s heart who didn’t deserve it. I’m not the sort of person who would ever intentionally hurt anyone. But here i am. Leaving behind me a list of broken hearts. I honestly never thought this would happen. Driving away yesterday was the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. Sitting here knowing someone’s in pain because of me. It’s the worst feeling. How do people do this intentionally? How do people go around breaking hearts? i wish in a way i could be someone who didn’t care.. I wish i could just let it go.. I hate that i’ve done this.

 

I hate that i’m back to where i always fall.. Wanting to hurt myself. I think i should go back on my medications. I’ve been off them the last week because i’ve been drinking and not eating much. It’s so ing hard. I’m 27 this year, but yet cutting/restricting/purging.. They are my escape.

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two thoughts

Failure is an essential part of success

When our hearts are broken, it's because we chose to attach to an idea or a person. We aren't victims, nor are you a perpetrator. Relationships have a beginning middle and an end.

Pain is okay, we recover. Letting ourselves remain in a hurtful situation is not okay.

You may congratulate yourself on doing what was necessary even though it was hard.

You May forgive yourself and others for being human.

Punishing anyone including yourself is an ineffective way to learn. instead, practice a new skill.

 

hopeful for you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yesterday i let go of my Jack Jack. He was my second horse. He had been my by side for the last three and a half years. Letting him go broke my heart. But he was riddled with cancer and had so many issues that i let him go whilst he was fat and happy and before he knew pain and suffering. He has certainly left a hole in my heart. I miss him already.

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Hi friend. I'm very sorry to hear about your horse. I know how important they are to you and it's the hardest decision to have to make. I can't really answer what's going on in your mind but just want you to know that you are a good person and have a lot of love to give. I'm sure you did what you thought was best for your relationship.

 

*hugs*

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for the support, i really appreciate the kind words x

 

Work is a struggle at the moment. It was always the one place i was happiest, it was the place that i walked through the door and knew 100% what i was doing and knew i was good at my job. Now i don’t feel like that any more. I feel lost. I feel like there is nothing stable holding me down and some days i truly dislike my workplace.. I don’t know how people do this over and over.. I almost want out.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Maybe, but we’ll see. I don’t want to make any rash decisions.

 

But i would like the cure to insecurities. The cure to seeing only the worst of yourself. The cure to feeling too much too quickly. I’m terrified. I’m starting to really fall for someone again.. But my brain keeps trying to sabotage everything, and i don’t know how long he’ll last by my side when i’m so emotional. So scared of everything. I’m trying so hard. I’m trying to stop over thinking. I want this to work, i really do. Deep breaths to get me through this first stage filled with panic attacks and tears.

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