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AnotherBrokenDoll
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Then my horse is calm enough for me to take my feet put of the styrups and lay on him. And he comes up for scratches and makes me feel loved. Also got asked to be a bridesmaid for a girl I went to preschool with. She is lovely and it's such an honor to be asked. She had so many people to choose from. Definitely feel very lucky that she chose me. From preschool to marriage. Pretty scary but awesome stuff

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I did get some beautiful moments.

 

Today was another. My riding lesson - it went so well. We jumped about 70 cm That's the highest I've taken him over. He was just so good. Not racing anymore. And just listening so well. Love him very very much

 

Miss Phill today. I'm at granddads and I just want to give Phill a hug. Love him too very much haha.

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  • 3 weeks later...

And then the bad news hits. I had a scan done of Velvets leg. It's not good. His injury hasn't healed itself. And even after it has - if it ever does, jumping is only putting more pressure on it. Thus increasing his chance of injury. The vet had said I could continue. Because it also could happen in his paddock one day as he races around. But I can't risk being the one to hurt him. I got on him bareback the other day. He was so good just stood there and looked at me. He will be Phills horse to ride. Just do flat work and trails.

 

It's do sad because he loves it so much. God, I was only doing flatwork and let Phill have a ride and next second Velvet has aimed Phill at a jump and jumped it. In the mean time poor Phill was trying to pull him back. It was so funny.

 

I hope he enjoys his life as a trail horse as much as life as a jumper. Either way, it has to be better than the no life he would have had.

 

In the mean time I'm now in the market for a new horse. There are 3 I'm interested in. Looking at one on Wednesday. An off the track mare. So basically - we start all over again with the training. This will be fun.

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Well Velvet has been a complete tool. Doing his baby rears and carrying on like a crazy horse. Taking me for a ride. Jig jogging. So his feed has been officially reduced. Taking him to the beach tomorrow for 3 days Pretty excited I hope he is better behaved seeing as I have a discussion protruding compressing a nerve in my spine. So shouldn't really be riding. But this holiday has been booked for months. I'm going and I'm riding my baby.

 

I tried out the mare and loved her! There was no fight in her which was awesome. Just a nice easy ride. She just needs further education She has no idea about jumps. But we can teach her that Should be amazing!

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Thank you, I had a pretty good time. My little dork was pretty good until he saw waves - then he freaked out. But still. He wasn't too bad for only his second outing in 2 years I'll have that horse desensitized in no time. He is so funny, he does these big jumps side ways and just states at whatever is making him scared. For a big horse he is a bit of a sook lol. But I love him.

 

I picked up the mare Took so long to get her on the float. But she was scared. She's very timid and hard to catch. After I let her out into her yard she kept running away from me. So I held her hay and she slowly came over. Then I patted her and she bolted lol. But by the end of the day I could walk in without food and she would eventually come over to me and let me pat her. Whilst she had food I was even able to lay against her and touch all her legs. I even got to spray her a bit but then she got scared so I just patted her some more and left it on a good note. Very happy with her. She is a sweet little thing, once I've got her trust I have no doubt she'll work brilliantly for me

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  • 3 weeks later...

I do wonder if you ever truly recover from eating disorders. I am far from thin and hate to admit that I once suffered.. People are so ready to judge and assume that because you are not a certain way that you cannot suffer.

 

I had some veges for dinner. Then had some pasta too. This was at work last night. Then one of the nurses said in front of the two other workers 'you eat far too much! You just had dinner now you're eating again!' I was already feeling the stress, but trying to ignore it. But when she brought attention to it I just wanted to run away. I felt sick to my stomach. She's a lovely lady, and never would have meant it badly. But because of all my food issues it brought up so many horrible feelings. Will I ever stop feeling this?

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Not being thin doesn't mean you are fat; beauty cannot be defined by a dress size! LOL!

 

(Maybe you were eating a lot because you were working a lot? I know that weight perception is not a wholly rational issue, but, it is important when it is important to you.)

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No I think my hormones are in over drive thanks to a surgery I recently had. I haven't been the same since. So I have to learn to deal with it because I'm eating too much. Gotta learn some self control without taking it too far. But thank you no one

 

My horses both almost got me off today. Velvet reared and pig rooted. Grace almost ran me into a tree - twice. She just refused to stop or turn whenever I pushed her into a canter. I could have given them both back instantly. But I took Velvet back out this afternoon and he behaved far better. So that was a good sign.

 

I think the green grass from the rain plus the lucerne is what is doing it to them. After this round bale no more lucerne for my nutters.

 

So I thought I'd do a few facts about me.

 

I'm 23

Engaged

Love animals

Live on acerage

Nurse - hopefully going to study to become the next level up soon

Part time carer to my grandfather

Secretly wish I could be a vet nurse

Really want to compete in show jumping next year

Currently on night shift

Have no idea where I will be in 10 years time

Happy

Dreamer

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I did have to make a bad decision. I've chosen to give Grace back to her old owners and not continue the lease.

 

She is too green for me and feels my nerves and plays on them. Every time I tried to pull her up she threatened to rear. I ended up bailing. My instructor rides her well. But I just don't have the confidence for her. Nor the experience. Going to try an older horse on Wednesday. He is 15. And done lots of dressage. So he should be brilliant on the flat, and teaching to jump is pretty easy if they are willing. Maybe pick a horse I can learn from rather than teach this time!

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Worst idea ever. Let's hop on the horse that looked nervy. That's a wonderful idea.. Not. Couldn't stop the bloody thing. Basically I need $3000 Sucks so much that I literally wasted $1000 getting Velvet trained to jump and he can't jump. I would never for a second regret buying him. But I do regret spending an extra $1000 on training before getting a vet check

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  • 2 months later...

Horses.. Who the hell would have them? So now I have 3. My beautiful Velvet, a sweet old man named Poco who is 38 years old. And my newest addition - Jack. He is a cranky old man who doesn't quite know what love is and isn't overly appreciative of it. But alas he will come around. He is 12 years old and apparently used to be a school horse. Although he has been a terror for me and enjoyed rearing, pig rooting and bolting. But he knows how, and loves to jump. So that is what we are doing. I have my first competition at the end of the month and I'm legit so excited and even more scared. I haven't really ridden him much. He has been drama after drama after drama. But now he is all healed up. And he is in full work whether he likes it or not. He is a good boy really. I'm sure in a few months time we will be far more bonded and working well together.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm loosing my granddad. After all these years. After everything. I'm watching him fade away. Just like I watched my sweet little nana fade. I don't know how to live in a world that doesn't have him. Nana passing was the hardest thing I've ever been through. But I still had granddad. He kept a piece of her alive somehow. And I had to focus on looking after him. Now, it's like loosing them both. Phill went away. And I have no one else. I'm lying here, doing my best to hold myself together. Tomorrow I have work. I have to wake up and put a smile on my face and pretend to be happy and thankful. But I'm not. I don't want to loose him. I hate feeling like this. Years of watching people die, it doesn't prepare you for watching your own family.. I wish it did. He is such a little fighter. He hasn't really given up yet. And I don't know what to do.

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  • 6 months later...

What a hell of a year.

 

I found out I couldn't ride Velvet the way I had wanted too, so spent alot getting a new horse. Had a great time with him until I found out he had a pre existing condition that I didn't know of when I bought him so now he can't be ridden at all. I had to put my old horse to sleep. Velvet - my sweet sweet rescue, is now looking so lame after re injuring in the paddock. Not being worked at all. And now, will most likely also be put to sleep soon. He is my best friend and has stood by my side through so much this year. It's going to be the hardest decision to let him go.

 

I watched my strong strong granddad slowly fade into the darkness. I stood by his side and held his hand as he took his last breath. We cleaned out the family home, and sold it on. Then watched it get knocked down. That had been their home for 65 years. They built it themselves. And that had been the only place I could truly call home.

 

Last year I bought my wedding dress, my veil and had the centre pieces for our tables. They are beautiful. My ring is beautiful. We bought a house, settlement in December. My dream home. 7 beautiful acres. A sweet little home. September was supposed to mark not only four years of togetherness, but the start of my married life. With the drama and the cost we put the wedding off thinking we would run away... Then as I watched my oldest friend walk down the Isle, I realized, I couldn't marry the man in my life. He is my best friend. But, he is not my lover. I feel more alone with him than I do when I am alone.

 

I moved jobs to be closer to my new home, sacrificed my wonderful work friends. To work in a place I feel so unwelcome.

 

So now the mission is to sell my dress, my veil and my ring. To figure out what the hell we do with the house - which also means I will lose every last cent of my inheritance. To try my best to be happy and not let any of this bring me down.

 

I am stronger now than I ever have been. I can handle this. One step at a time.

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Got the definite answer. Velvet will be put to sleep. I now just have to figure out when. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I've had to do. And it's my choice.

 

How do you decide what is better?! Letting him live a half life, locked in a small yard watching my other horses run free, looking at me with the saddest eyes. Knowing that the day will come that the bone structure will eventually worsen to the point where I would be forced to make this decision anyway. But for now, letting him still have life in his veins, and still get to enjoy the moments of interaction.

 

Or do I rest his sweet soul now, before the pain starts. Before he gets too depressed from not being allowed out. Before I lose the personality he has in him.

 

My heart can't feel right with this decision. Either way. My vet has told me that I have done anything and everything I could and alot more than most would. I have spent so much money on my boys. So so much. And I will never regret it. But there is nothing more I can do At least he got one good year. A really good year with me. He has a full belly and a heart full of my love. I'm going to miss that boy.

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Hey my friend. Sorry to see you back under such circumstances. I know this is a terrible decision to make and unfortunately all of us who have animals must make it at some point. Only you will know what's right - you know Velvet best.

 

I don't even know what to say about the wedding. I just want you to find happiness and be at peace with everything. Whoever that's with and wherever that is the time will come for you.

 

You keep hanging in there.

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Thanks Avman, he is one sweet sweet boy, and I know in my heart locking him up is cruel. He reared up the other day at the lady who was taking him from his little yard to his stable. He doesn't do that.. He has manners. He is just cranky at being locked up - and being fed too much (I've asked her to keep it small).

 

He isn't the sort of horse you can lock up. He wants to be free.

 

I've decided to do it Friday. Going to give him some pain relief and climb onto his back (it won't hurt him at all) and get some photos taken on Thursday so I have plenty to put up. My sweet boy.

 

Jack Jack is now.also incredibly lame. And if it's what I think it is I will need him to be put to sleep as well This year is just being cruel to me. It's not making me stronger. It's tearing me down. I'm exhausted.

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Its a painful decision to make but you know it's the right thing to do. You are a compassionate person and that's why this hurts so much.

 

Rejoice in the time you had together and know that you gave these horses a very loving home. Hang in there.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you for your kind words.

 

What doesn't make life easier is when uneducated people try to have opinions on what you should do. When they go behind your back to try and convince others that you are making the wrong decision, when no decision has even been made yet.

 

What gives them the right to say anything at all. At the end of the they have no say whatsoever in what I believe to be the best outcome. But it hurts an awful lot to have people you have given up your time, money, freedom and weekends for believe you could possibly make a decision like this lightly. I'm sorry, but until you are educated and can see what I see, your opinions should be kept to themselves.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I had to let Vel go. I now will most likely have to let Jack go too He has 3 degenerative diseases. How am i supposed to beat that?

 

On the upside... I am now officially seeing someone.

 

He is one amazing man. All the things i ever dreamt of. The sort of person that makes me feel completely loved. The type of person i can spend time with and just have fun with. Together. We dont need anyone else. We have fun. Laughing and giggling fully clothed in the beach water. Jumping the waves. Having the most amazing sex of my life. It was always so painful, but then i met him. And he makes it feel the way it should. He makes me feel safe. Comfortable. We can relax and talk for hours. We can spend hours in bed. We can go out and have a good time. He cooks and cleans!! I got to lay on the couch in my lingerie watching him prepare dinner and put a movie on for us. My choice! The only downside is he lives 6 hours away So i'll be seeing him again in three weeks hopefully. Then a few weeks after he should be down here. Hopefully he will be moving here next year too.

 

The distance will be so hard on me. But i think he is well worth it.

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