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Interesting situation


HaloEffect

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Had a thing with this girl over the summer. We both were busy and she was contemplating moving away. We really liked each other so we pretty much quit messing around but we kept in touch and stayed friendly.

 

To make a long story short we talk kinda regularly and see each other around. She mentioned she wasn't moving away and recently moved nearby where I live.

 

Ok so her aunt died she texted me all weekend for support, she's been venting to me about a lot of other things. I listen, offer support, and encouragement. I ask her casually a couple times if she wanted to hang out but she works nights.

 

I sort of have hit a point of annoyance with her. I dunno I feel like I'm there for her convenience but she doesn't really go out of her way for me.

 

So I did something kind of stupid probably. I just pretty much told her I liked her a lot over the summer and still did. I told her if she wanted to hang out and stuff like we were id be open to it. I told her I didn't want to convince her of anything I just wanted to put it out there and wouldn't be mad at either situation.

 

So her response was initially very friends zone-ish. I expected that. She said she agreed we had something before but things in both our lives got in the way. She said that she is scared that if we date and it doesn't work out she would lose me. But she wants to get together and talk about this more and she is glad I said something. She also made it a point to tell me she wasn't seeing anyone else.

 

My response was pretty much agreeing that we should talk more. I also just said to her that losing a friend is always the risk when you date someone, but I'm not trying to convince her I just wanted to tell her so I didn't regret not saying anything later.

 

So what are your thoughts? Any advice on how to approach this? I guess I just feel like if she wasn't interested at all why meet?

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From a woman's perspective, it is hard to find balance in this situation. She values you as a friend for the support. She may not have the attraction for anything else. But then how can she avoid losing your friendship because you know dating won't happen? I think this may be her dilemma.

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Part of me wonders the same thing Darcy. I'm not looking for a friend though. I don't want to be rude about it, but I'm not going to be that guy.

 

And, that is why some girls string guys along. They don't want a relationship but they don't want to lose the friendship.

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I have a guy friend in this position atm, and we were talking about this very dynamic. What you choose to do will be driven by your tolerance level. In my friend's case, I think she is stringing him along, and he is happy to be strung for now, so be it.

 

Sometimes, a romance grows out of a friendship, depending on how the friendship is handled.

This NEVER happens if the friendship is offered under false pretenses, if it is offered as a tool to create a romance. When that happens, a romance NEVER happens because trust is eroded by the falsehood of the friendship.

 

Sometimes, a romance happens when the friendship is abandoned, and the absence is noted etc.

This NEVER happens if the other person isn't ready to get into a relationship anyway.

 

So... if you can genuinely be friends, then be friends. If you don't mind being neither/nor, then live in the gray zone for awhile and see if anything comes of it. UNDERSTAND though, that the likelihood is low, else she would take you now.

 

You could try dating her 1940s style, clearly a date, very chaste, pick up, drop off, leave her alone, try again in a week or two. This might be awkward but if you can pull it off, it might take the pressure off of her.

 

Mostly, I think its over and it is just up to you to decide when.

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A big part of my mind agrees. It's just weird that she wants to talk about it more. You'd think she would just wanna not drag out the lets just be friends talk. I would still be friendly with her I just would pull back more so I'm not just there for her convenience. Friendship is a two way street.

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A big part of my mind agrees. It's just weird that she wants to talk about it more. You'd think she would just wanna not drag out the lets just be friends talk. I would still be friendly with her I just would pull back more so I'm not just there for her convenience. Friendship is a two way street.

 

I agree with this: treat yourself with respect, invest where your investment reaps a return. Pulling back is a way of reducing your investment, which seems appropriate. She will figure out if she is using you or not, and either way, you will be well positioned.

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