Emotional Abuse story and Help needed to leave

[rachelblake]

Ill try to keep it short. Im 22 he is 30. He owns his own business and Ive worked for him since we started dating 19 months ago. The first months were fine but my car died and I couldn't buy another so he let me use his which started the resentment towards me. I got pregnant and panicked I had told him id get an abortion if i ever got pregnant but that was my mistake. I freaked out and told him i was keeping it and he could stay or go, either way was fine. I felt bad for him even though he said he'd stay and decided to go ahead with an abortion for him. I didn't want the guilt so I told him I wanted it to. Even after having it he still tells me that his feelings for me changed and he never thought about me the same. He hates I put him through a roller coast of indecision for a week. After three months we started arguing at work all the time. (I was diagnosed with severe add two month agao and they had no idea how I made it without being diagnosed.) He would explain something to me (i feel vaguely) and get angry at me when I wouldn't retain the info or understand what he was saying. I ve yet to go to college and the online sales system confused me. I just needed a little more instruction but he made me feel like an idiot for not getting it or asking questions.

For christmas he bought me a 99 range rover. I loved it but I knew he would use it against me and he did. Going into the new year and on its been a non stop argument. He became slightly jealous of other guys and even girls I danced with at concerts. He would fight with me at work and call me names like , , , weak, send me home in the middle of the day, id tell him i had enough, he'd tell me he was coming to pick the range up, and would strategically argue with me until I gave in. At first the apologies would be sincere seeming and the "post fight make up i love you high" would last the rest of the night. Now there is non. Its me swiping the whole thing under the rug until the night fight. We had multiple break up fights over summer leading up to me moving in with him. I didn't actually want to but his roommate was moving in with mine and they wanted to live alone so I really had no choice or anywhere else to go. Decorating was his decision 75% of the time. I picked out a few things and he says I picked it all. Over my birthday I blacked out from the shots he bought me (he buys everyone shots until they black out, every time we go out, but he always manages to come out unscathed) and cut my wrists (not a previous habit) I have no clue why but he took me to the hospital and they held me for mental evaluation. When he found out they were keeping me he told me to act like I was just a face girl who made a mistake and not to give into any therapy bc they will keep me longer. I did what he said and was released two days later. During my time there he visited twice of the four visiting time I was offered. The second day I was there was my actual birthday and I had to beg him to actually come. I was so embarrassed at what I had done I promised him the world and more. I promised id never second guess him and be a better girlfriend and do better at work blah blah blah. Since then he reminds me of this during inappropriate times. He has no empathy towards me or when I tell him he is hurting my feelings. His temper is off the charts. Terrible road rage. When we drive to work in the morning its amazing if we get out of the car without him being mean and me defending myself making him more angry. He treats me like at work. He yells at me in front of coworkers and Ive never seen or heard him yell at anyone. He makes fun of me in front of my friends and family. Usually trying to bond over a bad quality i have and laughing about it. He would tell people how messy I am (i was messy, I've become a clean freak since living with him) and other seemingly minor faults but every time he would say it, i would feel more insecure. The complements stopped after the third month and only calls me pretty when Im angry at him and with heavy sarcasm. He comments negatively on what I wear and I started asking his opinion on my outfit and he would say he doesn't care and he isn't a chick. He would point at mannequins in the store (he is addicted to shopping, but he has the money to do so) or a models picture on a wall in a store and say "dress like that". I know I am generally pretty but have taken to hours of getting ready and make up tutorials (I'm really good at makeup) only to hear "you look better without make up" but when I don't wear make up.. his actions speak louder than words. He makes fun of my ears poking out, the fact my boobs have gotten a lot smaller with weight loss. When I ask if I look alright and I know I look really nice, the most I ever get out of his is a "fine". One of the latest times we've really fought hard he told me to move back to trashy atlanta with my trashy friends like the white trash I am. He hates my sister and has told me she isn't allowed over after I had her pick me up with most of my things and she told me she thought he drank too much socially. I made the mistake of telling him this the next day when he tried making up with me. I gave in, as always and now I can't invite her out with us. She is a huge bible thumper and can tend to be fake and hypocritical.. but she is my sister.... When I got diagnosed with ADD a few months ago I got put on adderal and really started kicking butt at work. I made us $50,000 profit with one sale. He helped me find the product for a lower pice and although I still got my 20% commission, he let me know that he found the product that cheap and I shouldn't have gotten that commission. Before I got the $9,000 commission we had a huge fight and I told him I was leaving him. He said that was fine a good riddance. I made arrangements to move in with a friend who had an open room in atlanta and could use that commission to buy a car and adjust comfortably (other than that I had no money. I make $1000/2wks and $900 of each check goes to my boyfriend for rent and bills. I usually make $200 commission each month and would use that for clothes to impress him) The next day we didn't talk at work at all and when we got home he asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said no, I'm moving out wed. like I said last night. He flipped out throwing my things telling me to kiss my commission goodbye and I was an idiot for not signing a contract for it and he was turning my cell phone off. I didn't want to give it. I wanted to leave but I had no way.. I told him I can't stand the verbal bashing and he said he would try and he only wants to be with me. He only says this when he is drunk or I'm really walking out the door. Again, I stayed and got my commission. I spent 4,000 on clothing that I thought he would like and he convinced me to put the rest in our joint account. I told him I wanted that as savings and somehow now its been used to pay for our trip to Israel for his business partners wedding. On thanksgiving he came to ga with me to my grandmothers house (he came with me if I go to the north for his family christmas and had to fight to be able to do something with my family the weekend before xmas) He told me he wanted to have both our paychecks in the joint account and only 100 in personal accounts. He said it was because it wasn't fair I only had $200 a month to spend but I think its because he wants control of my money and the fact I am making huge commissions left and right. We got in an argument tonight about money because I told him I was going to take a portion of my commissions for personal savings for a car and other things that I want. He flipped his lid saying I went back on what we agreed on and I should keep my savings in the joint account. He then proceeded to tell me he doesn't give a about my minimal salary and he doesn't trust me with my own money. Given history, sure I was bad with money but the last 6 months Ive become an entirely new person: clean, responsible ect. I want to keep my money so I can leave when I want to without fear of his revenge. He controls every important part of my life.

He has also decided that I am going to quit smoking. Im not ready, Ive told him I want to but he tells me I have to quit now. He yelled at me tonight for smoking bc i said I wanted to quit friday.

Basically, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I do at work, Im always wrong. I never do enough to impress him and he acts like its a gift from god when he compliments me or acknowledges something I do. He won't admit that I clean the whole apartment every other night from top to bottom. Its like he is wanting me to fail...

I was going to start nursing school in january which caused a huge fight because "if he doesn't see me enough hell break up with me and he is too old for frat parties and college bull. He doesn't want to have to compromise vacation time for my school and if I can't work for him I won't be able to pay my bills." He also made an associates for nursing to be a piece of cake and unimpressive and I should open up a store that he funds....

He eventually gave in but alas, all the classes were full by then.

Ive tried getting another job but its difficult with one car and he said he doesn't want to date a waitress.

 

Basically, I don't know what to do. There is no love or respect. He hates me and I hate myself. Im depressed and scared. Ive always been a dependent person and I think he's made it even worse. I don't have a car and i don't know how to stop him from putting my money into the "joint" account and keeping it when I want to leave. How do I exit gracefully? How can I leave his work without being "fired" and being able to use it on a resume? My parents live miles away from any civilization in a really crummy area two hours away from anyone i know my own age. I moved back once and it was miserable.

I know that there really isn't any way of fixing this and even if i were to work somewhere else and go to school he would probably become jealous or tear down any progress I make. What can I do to prepare to leave with minimal back lash? HELP PLEASE. He owns me.

[mhowe]

You need to move home. It can't be as bad as being dependent on him.

Forget ever using him as a.reference.

Go home, get stable and try and put this behind you.

[ParisPaulette]

I can suggest by you calling this hotline and talking to someone there, explain to them you're in a relationship that's emotionally abusive, that he's controlling your money and living and you fear worse is on the way. They'll help and give you pointers and suggestions on how to put together an exit plan. You need to get out and if you won't just up and take off for your parents then this may be a better way. Women and men have been in your shoes or worse and managed to get out, but it takes some serious work and acivity to do so. link removed

 

And the reason he doesn't want you to go to college is he is afraid of the day you realize how illegal his activities are, what a piece of crap he is, and how much you really don't need him. Start building up resources in secret if you have to and get out ASAP. It won't get better, only worse. Good luck.

 

Also the whole work drama and him threatening to not pay out commissions--report his butt to your State Labor Board or Divsion of Labor. Read up on what constitues an independent contractor versus employee and other labor laws in your area, call their hotline if need be and speak to someone, then document any and all labor violations and turn his butt in. Oh and go ahead and move in with that friend if you can regardless. You need to stop with the idea that you have to have a ton of money before you go since he's used that excuse to trap you. If it's a joint checking account though you can take money out of it without his signature, that's why it's a joint account. Just saying you should be able to have access to your own money regardless of what he says.

 

And if you can make those kind of commissions you really, really don't need him at all. Most sales places would bend over backwards to have you.

[junebug123]

I stop reading half way through because there were no indentations. You need to create paragraphs like seriously. As for what i read, you sound like you are with a total control freak, sort of reminds me of my mom a lot. Probably a type A personality who needs to feel powerful about every little thing and doesn't hesitate to criticize you every chance they get. Living with people like that will make you go crazy, i literally had two nervous breakdowns just living with my mom, i am not surprised you tried to kill yourself.

 

You need to out of this relationship ASAP. For your own sanity. Forget resources and money, just go to friends/families house or a woman's shelter and rebuild your life from scratch. It will suck in the beginning but eventually you will be able to pull through.