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Please read, and Please Help.


Jess7910

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Ok, so I am new to the site, I have been reading things for a while and now am ready to post my own experience and am looking for some feedback. My boyfriend left me on Saturday...for the 2nd time. Let me give you the whole story.

 

We have been dating almost 3 years. Last October we moved into a new place together. 2 weeks into living there he broke up with me. He was already scheduled to leave for military basic training on November 19th, and he broke up with me on October 26th. We had been arguing alot leading up to it, he said I nagged him alot. I had my issues with him and especially with him leaving, which is why I nagged but whatever- He left me, I was devastated, he left to basic training, and I was left to pick back up the pieces. I had to find a new place to live because I couldn’t afford the rent by myself among many other things I had to figure out. Fast forward to New Years and he’s home on break, says he wants to get back together, he goes back to basic and we talk on the phone and write each other as much as possible. He came home this April and has worked his butt off trying to make up for what he did. We joined couples counseling, we bonded, and I felt like we both had grown from the whole experience. We still had issues to work out, we still argued occasionally, but over all things were much better then the 1st time.

 

Fast forward again to November 8th of this year (bare with me) we move out of the place I had gotten on my own when he broke up with me the 1st time, into a nicer apartment. Things were going GREAT! We were spending tons of time together, learning more about what we needed from each other, we had our routine, and I finally felt like I could let my guard down, that I was finally over what had happened in the past, and like things were better then they had ever been. Then last Wednesday he was told by his boss that he would probably be getting fired from his job when the DM came back on Monday. He called me and told me this and I immediately comforted him and told him he would be fine and we would work everything out. I got off work and went home to cook his favorite dinner and planned a great night for him just to relax and try to make him feel better. When he got off that night, instead of coming home- he went to his mom’s house to talk to her about his situation that is fine, although I would have preferred him coming home and working things out with me, but whatever. When he finally got home, his whole attitude and demeanor was off, and I could tell something was up. He said he wasn’t hungry and then began to just criticize little things, this led to me telling him how I felt about him not coming home right away, to him telling me he told his mom something about him not knowing where he was going to live if he lost his job, and something about his mom mentioning him getting a studio apt- idk just red flags everywhere. This created an argument between us, and he ended up leaving and staying the night at his mom’s house. He came back the next day, but was still distant and slept on the couch, Saturday morning he didn’t want to talk and said he needed some space and time to think and said that Thursday’s argument was the last straw for him, and that up until recently I never let him chill and that I still had anger problems. This was all new to me, because like I said, we had been getting along great, hadn’t argued in over a month and I am actively working on any issues I have. Ok, so Saturday morning he didn’t want to talk- I go home at 1 for my lunch break and his mother is there and they are moving his stuff out. I was in shock, I asked him what was going on and he told me he was leaving and was going to tell me after the fact. I remained cool and respected his decision and held it together till he was done. Then I broke down in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Saturday & Sunday were very had for me, I tried not to contact him but ended up contacting him today. We talked for about 15 minutes, I agreed to update his resume and email it to him so he could find a new job, and the conversation was light. I just text him now and said that I know he has alot he needs to figure out right now, but I know in my heart we are meant to be together, and after we both work more on ourselves we should see how we feel then. He responded back with "yeah I hear you" I don’t know what this means, and I don’t know what to do- I am sorry this is so long I just honestly don’t know what to do. Move on completely and start over, or work on myself while he works on himself and see what happens down the road? Please help me!!

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I'm sorry this happened to you, I know it's painful, especially when you felt like things were going well. First thing, don't update his resume for him. He's a grown man and can do that himself. You need to go no contact and stay that way, no matter how much you want to. It's hard and it hurts but you can do it and it does get easier. Block his number/email/FB, etc. if it makes it easier to not contact him. Work on yourself and in the process of doing that you will move on. Find some friends or family you can call and text any time the feeling to contact him gets strong. Let yourself grieve the loss but also do things for yourself, things that will help you feel better and make you a better person, working out, going out w/ friends, continuing w/ counseling, etc. Even if you don't feel like it, sometimes you still have to force yourself to meet a friend for coffee, go to a movie, whatever. Over time it gets easier and you will heal and be able to move. Once again, please don't update his resume for him.

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Sadly this guy is someone who flips out and changes directions any time there is stress in his life. And at the heart of it he doesn't real feel or accept responsibility for it, if he did he would have (and should have) uncovered that in couples counseling. And done some hard work to fix it. Instead at the first sign of anything being wrong or not going his way he rabbits leaving you to pick up the pieces. Wores he eagerly pins the blame for his own behaviors onto other people, which is why you got hit in the teeth with all the bogus reasons. He's now trying to make himself the victim and you're the terrible person and that's why he's running, but it isn't. He's just not a stable person period. It's likely why he got fired too, bluntly speaking. People who can't handle normal life stressors are a liability to have around. Bosses know this and you know, as his girlfriend you need to know it too. All you will ever do with this guy is pick up the pieces every time he lures you back in with promises of change when things are going well for him. But when they aren't...and the bad thing about that is life isn't stress free. Ever. So either people learn to deal with it or they don't. Also that's twice now that when you moved in with him he freaked out and tried to pin his reactions on you, so yes there's something else there as well. It almost sounds like the guy is terrified of growing up and the more serious commitment of living together. The reaction of running to his mom makes it look that way too.

 

All you can do is either let him go 100 percent to save your own sanity and self-respect, not to mention pocketbook every time you have to move again to find another place, or be ready to have him turn on you and leave you to pick up the pieces each time. And that's what you will have to do from now on if you're foolish enough to do anything, but cut him off, go full NC and tell him he's out of chances. Don't update his resume, that's his job remember? Him getting fired is his responsibility too. Make him stand on his own two feet for once instead of having you and mommy help him. I have a feeling maybe your guy has always had his mom or some other woman to do things for him, but the net result is you have a guy who's emotionally 4 years old when it comes dealing with life. So stop doing anything for him, withdraw all comfort and communication and tell him he needs to grow up.

 

Then go NC and heal. You know if you let him back a third time there'll be a fourth and so on and so on. He'll keep doing this as long as you let him. I know, because I tried for six times with someone just like this. It hurst moving on yes, but it hurts alot more when you stay and continue to do things for them and keep hoping it'll change, because it just won't.

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Thanks guys, this no contact thing is just SO hard! I start feeling anxiety and then I cry and overthink stuff and i fold! He really had a huge impact on my life and I just cant get over it. My pride, ego, and self esteem have been torn down to nothing. I feel like it's me even though I dont know what I could have done to prevent this. I really considered him my best friend. He makes me feel like this is my fault when I feel like when he came home on Thursday his mind was already made up to leave. Is this just a coincidence that it is right after we moved again? Why did he do this??? The day before he got fired he called me at work to say he just wanted to hear my voice and loved me and missed me. Now he wants nothing to do with me! He promised he wouldnt do this again. I have a 3 year old daughter, we have been together since she was 4 months, she loves him and he always told us we were a family, and was big on doing things as a family. Where did I go wrong? Was it letting him come back in the 1st place?

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Oh my god, something about what you said hit me. You are absolutely right. I cant believe how well you hit the nail on the head. This is going to be so hard cutting him off, but I am better then this. I act based off of what my heart wants and not what my head is telling me is the right thing to do. I really loved this man, I forgave him and stuck my neck out there again and got the same thing I got the 1st time. It is sad though because I have to admit that there is a part of me that wants to forgive him because I know he is under stree due to loosing his job, its not an excuse though, what is wrong with me? Why cant I just hate him for walking out on me and doing the same thing to me that he did before?

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You gave him a second chance do not give him a third. Yes, it does seem when he's under stress/pressure you are the one he takes it out on. You don't deserve that. He chose to move back with his mommy, so let him be. He is acting like an immature brat instead of a grown man who was in the service.

You can't continue to be the go to girl when things are going good, and you can't continue putting your daughter through the emotional turmoil of having a father figure come in and out of her life.

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This isn't your fault, there isn't anything you could have done differently most likely. You took a chance, a big one, and I have to admit that he did alot of things right. I think most people would have been fooled, myself included. The problem though is he's got something big that underlies all of this and moving in with you has twice now been the tipping point and likely always will be. And it's not losing his job that's causing it, or maybe that's a trigger, but my guess is it's a pattern where he gets something good going then sooner or later blows it up. I suspect if you looked back accross his life you'd find you weren't the only one he did this to and he's done it under other situations as well.

 

I'm probably more of an "expert" on this type of relationship than I should be. I did it for six years with someone like that. He would come into my life, promise everything would be different, do all the right things to get me back, it would all be great. Then out of nowhere suddenly he'd have a big blowup at work/with a friend/with his family. He'd start to act cold and distant and then would come the blaming me and telling me what a **** I was to live with. That's if he communicated at all and didn't just suddenly disappear on me. Twice it was job troubles, twice he wrecked the cars his parents had purchased for him, once he fell for someone else or says he did and once was because he claimed a TV show reminded him of a past life and he went crazy. That last time was the one that clued me into the fact that the bus didn't quite run all the way to the end of the line for him mentally and/or emotionally. It's also when I realized I'd been making alot of excuses for him that just didn't really add up given that most of us have faced a variety of problems before and yet we didn't hurt people we loved, didn't lose jobs over it, didn't suddenly disappear or decide to move to another city/state/country. Only to come back later when things had calmed down and promise never to hurt the same people again.

 

So yes, I made a ton of excuses for him. I did a ton of things for him including helping him get jobs, helping him write his dang resumes, helping him etc. etc. etc. And in the end none of it mattered, because it was never about what I did or didn't do. He has something wrong and until he admits to it and chooses to fix it it will stay broken. My ex has done this to two other women since me BTW and cheated on all of us. And his mother steps into the fray on a regular basis even going so far as to call me up one night after I'd broken it off for good to beg me to give him just "one more chance" with her promising he'd change. I was disgusted and more than a bit mortified that a 40 year old grown man's mother would be doing that. It also is when I realized he'd been so catered to by his family that he wasn't ever going to just grow up or form normal attachments, not when every bump in the road they were there to grab him and reassure him and try to "fix" things for him. It wasn't the first time they'd done that when I was with him either.

 

Does any of this sound familiar to you? It's probably what your future with the guy will be if you allow your feelings of pity to swallow what should be your self-preservation instincts kicking in. Not to mention the effect this is all bound to have on your daughter who will learn some very, very unhealthy things about relationships herself if she has to watch this guy come in and out of her and your life over and over.

 

I can tell you that NC full-on helps tremendously once you get past the habit of reaching for him. In the meantime bar and block him on every channel, write a list of all the things that were not right in the relationship, write a list beside that list of the things you want in a relationship for you and your daughter. Compare the two lists whenever you feel yourself starting to waiver. You'll proably realize at some point that consistency is a trait that isn't given a high enough priority, but it's one of the most important things any relationship has to have in order to work. I would honestly rather have someone hate me full on and always than have another person in my life who loves me one day and leaves me the next then does it to me over and over. So allow yourself time to mourn, see a counselor or therapist of you think that would help, find something else to be passionate about, work on yourself and your own internal happiness and life so that you don't really need anyone to make you happy. You just allow them to share in an already great life and if they can't treat you the way you treat them then show them to the door. I had to do that to a few people before I finally found the guy who loves me no matter what and who when something bad happens turns to me for comfort rather than using it as an excuse to run away.

 

You can have that, but first you have to learn to let go and move on. That's a rough one I know, but it can be done. Also you have to decide that there are no more chances no matter what, because once things calm down and life is good again he'll forget and/or pop out of whatever mental/emotional problem makes him do this in the first place. He'll try to get in touch with you and woo you and make all the promises and say and do the right things, because he wants to believe it as badly as you do. The problem is the next time that mental urge/itch/whatever the heck it is starts digging at him he'll find a reason to blow it all up again not caring who he takes with him. And you will be squarely back at zero only it hurts worse each successive time. Until you finally do decide to pull the plug for good, then you'll have to work through alot of anger at letting yourself get used and duped like that, but the fact is you do choose whether or not to let someone do that to you.

 

This website also helped me alot since the author said alot of things that made alot of sense. I would go to her website alot as well as on here to read other people's stories and in particular to seek out the stories about people who healed and moved on. It helped tremendously. I suggest you start with this article, which although every point may not be exactly your case enough are for you to gather some information and to reflect on what it all means. These things do help and they help you stay strong when you want to cave in and go the easy, addictive route. link removed

 

Good luck and post here too if you feel the need to reach out and just talk to others who've been through it. The good news is you can recover from this, you can even find someone else who loves you and who is consistent in that love, and most importantly you can lead a happy life with you and your daughter secure in the knowledge that the only people in your lives are the ones who are staying. You just have to start out by saying no to a really, really bad habit.

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One other thing: when you're faced with someone toxic always, always do what your head tells you and tell the heart to go take a hike. You can love someone and still choose to never let them into your life to hurt you again. Yes, it is that simple. Toxic people and relationships never make your life better, only worse. Remember it takes a heart time to catch up to where the head is and honestly the whole "But I love them" thing is not coming from a place of emotional sanity and honesty and in the end your head will bring you alot more happiness. I know there's the whole, "but logic is so cold, you need love,blah-blah-blah" that people and society try and tell us. The problem with that is it isn't really true. Real logic brings sanity brings clarity brings you letting only the people who deserve your happiness into your life. And then and only then do you find true love.

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