Dumped by Single Mom

[mjk44]

She was NOT independent. She relied on help from anyone she could. Family, friends, exes, me, etc.. At the end of the relationship she claimed she wanted to be less dependent yet she broke up with me partly because I did not want to be the financial provider she felt she deserves for her and HER kids. I almost feel like I was a buffer after her last relationship. I gave her attention she seeked. However, I do believe she fell in love with me and the idea of a family together because she knew I was good to her and good to her girls. In the end though, she realized I was not going to be that man to go buy a house, move them all in and pay all of the bills. I do believe this was a big part to the ending of the relationship. Yes, maybe me staying for the comfort, and the face that she was beautiful and loved sex is shallow. However, so is wanting a man to financially take care of you and two kids that aren't his.

[mjk44]

Rough week...Can't get her and her kids out of my head. Man...35 years old, first serious relationship that lasted about 7 months and I cannot get over this person even though being with her in the future was probably not going to be what I wanted...(see red flags in first post). I am 35. Decent job. No debt. Decent looking. Good shape. However, so many insecurities, mainly my height. I think that crushes me as a man, being only about 5'6. I think TONS of women don't give me a second look because of this.

[mjk44]

I can't her out of my thoughts...the kids too. Why do I want this? Why do I want her back? With all of the red flags, complications, horrible ending to relationship...Why?

[mhowe]

Because you don't want to be alone.

 

It will get better -- -and those are not just flags/complications --- that woman is an albatross. You can kiss away your "no debt", and much more if you signed on

for this.

[Iggles]

Because you don't want to be alone.

 

That, and you don't feel you deserve better.. Low self esteem leads to desperate paths..

[annie24]

I was going to say, i think you're in love with the idea of being with her (or in a relationship) much more so than with her....

 

let's say you met a great new woman who lived nearby, was hot and fun and no drama, i think you would quickly forget about your ex....

[mjk44]

I agree with all of this. I do miss some things about her. I felt she understood me. I had a ty childhood and so did she. It's hard for people to understand someone who dealt with a lot of emotional, mental, and physical abuse growing up when they haven't been through it. Also, I KNOW I would have been good for her daughters. I'm a calm, reliable man and I was a good influence on them. I miss them a lot, even though they had a lot of issues too. I worry they will have more severe issues the more she brings in different men through the revolving door.

[mjk44]

Rejection is at the core of all this. I knew I didn't want a future with her and the kids and all the other baggage. I've just been rejected so much....since childhood and I'm not good with it.

[mjk44]

For some reason I want to contact her and let her know I moved...So she can be at ease about not running into me anymore. I can't...OBVIOUSLY. I just dont think I'll meet someone who treated me as well as she. I'm over 35....Why do I want her to come back to me when I know it is not what I want? Is it ego?

[mjk44]

Had a little setback yesterday. I moved and I was going through a box. I thought I removed everything that reminded me of her...even a blanket she let me use for my dog when I spent the night at her place. I tossed it. Well, I found two thank you cards from her daughters. One, thanking me for the 'yummy food' because I was ALWAYS making dinner for them. Then a card from the 13 yr old thanking me for everything that I do for them...It hurt

[mjk44]

It's been four months since the breakup. Over two months since the order of protection stuff. I have not seen her in over a month since I ran into her behind a stoplight and her daughter yelled my name. I texted her saying where I was coming from so she did not think I was following her...she replied 'enough'. I have the whole, I will never find anyone as beautiful as her, as caring and loving etc..Yet, at the same time I re-read the red flags and think about everything. Why, at 35yrs old cannot I not get over a 7 month relationship? Why, was this my first 'girlfriend' and I'm 35! So many self-esteem, confidence, questions..So much fear of rejection and abandonment.

[mjk44]

Well. It's been about a month and half since no contact. That was in mid January when I ended up stopped behind her at a stop light and sent her a text letting her know where I was coming from so she did not think I was 'following' her. Which I have NEVER done. I am going to Codependency and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings every week and learning about why I am the way I am and trying to change things. It's been really hard not contacting her the last couple of weeks. I want to let her know what I'm learning in these meetings and how they would be good for her to attend as well. I know I can't. It's been a difficult road.

[mjk44]

Man, I have been so close to breaking down and contacting her the past few days. HORRIBLE IDEA I KNOW! I just have that whole "I'll never find anyone now". This was my shot, at age 35. It's hard meeting people, let alone females to date. I am not going the online route. I know that there were a lot of red flags..however, she was so sweet and sexual, and simple..at least it seemed that way. I should have had the courage to bolt when I found out that she had a child at 19 and divorced by 20. Had another child six years later that was a result of a weekend fling. Crossed the country looking for the right man, with kids in tow. Had an abortion. Told me she was a Herpes carrier before we became sexually active. Man jumps. I thought we were meant to be. I thought we were good for each other and I was good for her kids. This is so hard and it was only a 7 month relationship. I feel like a high school kid. I'll never find anyone as nice and pretty as her..blah blah...ugh

[BigKK]

why are you selling yourself so short? Don't despair, don't contact her, you will find someone but you gotta work on yourself it sounds like.

[mjk44]

I've fended off the urge to contact but it's still there. It's not even about her anymore. It's just me and my self-esteem/confidence. They worry that I'll never find anyone who loves me for me..like she seemed to, at least at one point.

[Zanetka]

You have to learn to love yourself first before you'll find anyone that will properly love you.

It's great that you're going to those meetings. Hopefully that helps with giving you clarity on what you've been doing wrong and why you're making these choices to be with someone who is not right for you.

Focus on yourself, forget her and women for some time... try to help yourself, focus on your career and your development... and once you've figured everything out.. then you can start thinking about dating seriously again.

[mjk44]

I can't believe it's been over 5 months since the breakup...The relationship only lasted about 6-7 months. Still hurts....everyday.

[annie24]

Have you tried thought stopping techniques? I mean she wasn't that great and even got a restraining order placed against you.

[mjk44]

Well, after all of this pain and heartache..a knockout punch. I decided to have a complete physical and fertility test. Today, I found out I'm sterile.

[annie24]

Is the doctor sure? Did he or she talk about ways to improve fertility?

[mjk44]

Yes, the phone call came directly from the doctor. There is nothing to improve...I have nothing.

[mjk44]

I can't believe this....