Dumped by Single Mom

[Ms Darcy]

You shouldn't have gone to her house. I hope this teaches you not to do that again. I think that was a clear signal that she wants you to leave her alone.

[mjk44]

You shouldn't have gone to her house. I hope this teaches you not to do that again. I think that was a clear signal that she wants you to leave her alone.

 

I know. I was not sure of her unit number so I just walked over with my dog and dropped it off. I knew I should not have done it. I don't know why she has had this effect on me. NUMEROUS times during the relationship, I knew it was not the future that I wanted but I could not end it. I saw all of the red flags and ignored all of them. I acted like none of it bothered me...the letters from ex #1 from jail to the 12yr old daughter. The random day long trip by Ex #2 to see the 6yr old daughter. The ex boyfriend who is 20 yrs older than us who is still in the picture and who wanted to be friends with me?? Hearing about these exes and others all of the time. No, I wanted a relationship so I stayed with the pretty, nice girl who loved me..at least she said so. Called me 'her rock'.

[Lonewing]

It does not matter what effect she has on you, you have to shut it off and move on. Yes, that was very foolish what you did, but now you know precisely how she feels - it's OVER.

 

You need to learn how to move on and let things go. Everything in the past is there in the past; you need to focus on the future.

[IAmFCA]

This last sentence is a clue to the co-dependent knight/damsel in distress dynamic. Good for you for starting to work on that.

 

Begin to view yourself as the man you want to become, rather than the shy etc man trying to overcome co- dependency.

 

Also, be careful calling yourself a good guy, a nice guy. While that may be true, being nice also includes being responsible so that your emotions and actions stay within your own boundaries.

 

Your desire to rescue her is your issue, not hers. It is like using her to feed your own self esteem and it's not an indication of true affection. In fact, its the opposite, because your attention is premised upon the assessment that she is not good enough the way she is.

 

In that sense, your behavior isn't nice at all.

[gardnergirl2]

A good friend of mine found herself in a similar situation. He claimed he "feared for his life" (bullcrap). They lived together (not a great idea in my book), and then he filed something on her. She had to show up in court, and he didn't even show up. He just wanted to cost her the hundreds of dollars and a day off work. You are going to have to stay away from this woman. She isn't stable.

I, too, am a single mother and have been told point blank that I am "too stable" and "don't need a man", so that's why I can't seem to find the right one. They want to be needed. This really irks me. Let me tell you this. There are plenty of women out there that "need" you, but not in the way she does. I don't bum and beg off anyone, but I need someone to love me and be a partner for life. Look for that kind of woman. One with some stability and a future....

[mjk44]

Obviously I'm staying away from her. I knew DURING the relationship that she had all the red flags, the poor decision making in past relationships etc. she is not stable and does not have a solid future. She just lives off child support and doesn't wan to work much. She NEEDs someone to financially rescue her. She told me that I could not be a provide bc I did not have a 3-4 bdrm house and support her so she did not have to work as much and just take care of her kids. So

Basically she wanted me or now someone else to support her and her kids and not give them a child of their own. I did have the rescue mentality but I did not budge on finances. I did not help with her bills. I found work for her. I wanted to build her up. She just wants to be taken care of...a meal ticket.

[IAmFCA]

As its the OP posting and not the woman in this story, let's focus on the OP/. Yes, she is interesting with lots of faults. The real question, OP, is why did you become attracted to her, why did you stay with her?

 

I speak from experience, as many of us here do... I too was involved seriously with a lover who was deeply flawed, and they were flaws I recognized as unacceptable, same as you did here. The positive outcome of this experience happens when you find the lesson in it: go as deep and dark as you can and find the root cause. Its hard, awful, painful work, but the other side is AMAZING. The only way out is through.

 

So I get that you saw her flaws: why did you stay? Why did you choose to invest in her by trying to build her up? Find work for her, tolerate her chaos? You mentioned it before: there is a reason for your co-dependent relationship (or maybe, relationship pattern). As you unpack your insides, you might discover this pattern extends to your friendships and your workplace as well. You may discover that you have a lifetime of negative self-talk, a fear of abandonment, a need to accomplish big changes because it is difficult for you to see your victories in small increments.

 

The first place to anchor the conversation is to talk only about you, not about her except as a necessary piece of the story telling.

[markfromark]

Please take some time and reflect why you are choosing such a woman in the first place and why you opted to ignore so many red flags. You need to work on yourself, forget about her.

[Mesemene]

OP - in a way you sound a bit like my ex.

 

His reaction to our divorce (his instigation, but then varied with the speed of a migrating swallow between dumping me and wanting me back) was to "adopt" a string of women (about one a year) and try and fix their issues, help with their kids, etc.

 

And he refused to admit it was a problem, even when it cost him over 50K.

 

So I would definitely look into any support group that could help with your codependent tendencies and rescue tendencies. I'd hate to see you get taken for a ride over and over, and end up hurt every time. With my ex, it was the kids that were constantly frustrated with him - even THEY could see the problem. And for their sake, I hated the cycle he was in.

 

She will go on to take what support, emotional, financial, companionship - she can get from the next guy. There are women out there who will value you for yourself - not what you can do for them alone.

[MovingBeyond]

Often times a relationship can be more about how we feel about ourselves than we actually do about the other person. These types of relationships are never healthy obviously, but it can be a hard pill to swallow once realized.

[mjk44]

Well, it's been a couple of weeks. I'm doing ok. Some days better than others. It's crazy that if she were to call me know, wanting me back, part of me would want to. I think it's because I feel like a failure. I could not be that man for her and her kids in a LONG line of men she has been with. I wanted to be better than all them and be a good man to her and role model to her girls. I still have no ill-will towards her. I miss the kids. I miss her. I hate driving or walking around and seeing all of these cars that look like hers. Or wondering if I will run into her at the store. I've been in CODA for one month. It helps to talk. I feel that if this single mom with two kids by two different, horrible fathers did not want to try and make a relationship work with me than who would? It's difficult.

[mjk44]

Awesome! Just went to wal-mart...turned the corner and BAM-there she is! Son of a...We stopped, gave half smiles. I asked if I could make amends. I apologized for not handling the breakup well. I did not give any excuses. We were both cordial and we moved on. It felt good. I did not get that thump thump in my heart when I saw her. My feelings for her were not there. It made me realize that I was NOT codependent on her, I was codependent on the relationship. The chemistry was never really there during our relationship but we both enjoyed having someone so we stuck with it. Poor choice on both ends. She thanked me for the apology, we said it's best that we just be cordial if we see each other but a friendship is not going to happen.

 

I thought seeing her would make me sick. It did not. It just made me realize that it was the relationship I missed, not her.

[Mesemene]

Good for you! Glad you're coming along so well, and seem to be open to really looking into yourself for some answers.

 

Best of luck to you!

[IAmFCA]

Another ENA family member on the path upward and onward. Nice work OP.

[IAmFCA]

Stay strong.... often there is a delayed backslide after such an encounter. Keep picking away at the forces that you put in the path of this relationship in the first place. Keep going!

[mjk44]

It's still been really hard. Someone with all of these red flags didn't want me..who will? Then I self-hate. I'm too short, I don't make a six figure salary, I have a roommate to save money, I'm not outgoing or 'alpha' enough etc...

[annie24]

don't look at it that way. just because she didn't want you doesn't mean that you are low quality or something. she had some serious red flags!! my friend's dad has a new gf - he's old, bald, short, kind of funny looking, but he found a gf!

[itsallgrand]

It's still been really hard. Someone with all of these red flags didn't want me..who will? Then I self-hate. I'm too short, I don't make a six figure salary, I have a roommate to save money, I'm not outgoing or 'alpha' enough etc...

 

Actually, a lot of times people with a lot of issues are going to end up rejecting people that are healthier. If it feels like the other person can give and receive more than they can (or can handle), they will reject just to get away from that pressure. Back to what is 'safe'.

 

So I challenge this idea you have that people with a lot of red flags are somehow "easier". In a lot of different ways, they are a lot more difficult to please. And in the end, people with all sorts of issues; it boils down to - they aren't available for the big deal.

 

If the big deal is what you want, this is just your wake up call to stop low balling and actually go all out for what you want. Time to put those self doubts and hate to rest; deal with that stuff. Let yourself. It'll be the best investment ever.

[mjk44]

Yes, it's all just hard. She is a really sweet, loving, gorgeous woman. The sex was often but not great. We were not a good 'FIT' per-say. But she loved it...almost craved it to the point where it was uneasy to me. However, there was just so much to deal with. Two fathers who aren't involved much in their daughter's life..an ex who is still close to the youngest daughter. I would have constantly been stressed out and she wanted a financial provider..I want an equal partner. I don't get what makes her think she deserves a man to come in and financially take care of her and HER kids while she brings nothing to the table...I need to build myself up. I'm 35 with a stable career. I look pretty good and have a kind, fun personality. However, I am very shy so I only have 1-2 close friends. Maybe I should try meetups or something. I go to CODA meetings often now.

[IAmFCA]

You are doing so many things right. Trust the process.

[Ms Darcy]

She can have a man who takes care of her - it's her life and what she wants. And frankly if the sex wasn't that great, I can see why she rolled out. Life is too short for "good enough."

[mjk44]

Hopefully, this will make things more comfortable for you.

 

Please do not take this email the wrong way. Making true amends is part of the program I am in. That is all this is. This is for my own well-being. Please accept it as that and only that. I do not expect a response because I know anything you read here will as you said 'disgust you.' I'm ok with that. I made my bed and I've been lying in it for almost three months. Just please accept this and do not take this the wrong way. I'm not delusional. I'm not crazy. I just cared...probably too much.

 

I know deep down, somewhere inside of you, you know I NEVER meant to cause you pain. You know I'm a good person who let my emotions get the best of me. I've been working hard on myself for the last two months and it's helping. I only wish I knew about Co-Depndency (CODA) and (ACA) before I met you. Our relationship would have been so different. I wanted to be 'the one' for you and the girls; however, I know realize I am powerless over how you felt. Hearing you tell me how happy you were and how much you loved me felt so good. That's why the end of it all just stunned me.

 

I feel good about the fact that during our relationship I treated you right. I was always kind and loving towards you. I was also very patient, loving, and kind to the girls. I was always there for them when you needed me to be....and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed picking them up or taking them to the club. I enjoyed talking with C about my dad and her dad. I liked how M would open up to me on car rides back to your place from Horizon Park about her dads. It was gut wrenching, but it felt good knowing I was in her life and that I would be a great role model for her. They trusted me. You trusted me. I felt that I was where I was meant to be and the future was exciting.

 

It was hard to except that your feelings were not as mine, even though your words often told another story. However, I accept that I am powerless. I know I tried to manipulate your feelings and control how you felt. I did this unknowingly as I've learned from my program. I go to meetings almost everyday and it pisses me off that all this stems from my dad and my childhood. I speak of our relationship to groups of thirty or more people. It feels good. Childhood issues suck and since my childhood sucked I wanted to do whatever I could do make your girls' childhood as good as possible. I was dedicated to doing it the right way, calmly and patiently. I was in it for the long run.

 

Thanks for listening. Again, please do not take this the wrong way. We were very close for over 6 months, you know me very well. I have some emotional baggage, it sucks but you know I would never intentionally do anything to cause stress to you and your girls. There is a line in a song: "My weakness is that I care too much".

[mjk44]

I decided to break my lease at my apartment and move into my own place a little further away. She lives in the complex accross the street and we have run into each other WAY too many times. The above is something I wanted to email her but will not. I need the strength to stay away. I am not right for her. She is not right for me. The involvement of her kids just makes this so damn hard.

[mjk44]

The above were two emails I WANTED to send her...I did not. Now, I decided to break my lease at my current apartment (she lives in the complex accross the street) and move a little bit away. It's too hard, knowing her kids are waiting at the bus stop when I leave for work, seeing her car when I walk my dog, running into her at the store, at a stop light..It's been nuts. I have not seen my next door neighbor in months, yet I seem to run into her every couple of weeks. Now, I have the urge to send her an email and tell her I'm leaving so she she won't have to worry about running into me. I also wanted to see if in the future she would attend a CODA or ACA (adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families) meeting with me. It has helped me and she had a rough childhood as well. However, my reasoning for wanting her to come is for her to see I'm not delusional, I'm not crazy, I've just been through a lot and I'm working on it. WHY DO I STILL WANT THIS WOMAN? She wants someone to financially take care of her and HER kids and give her everything else she wants in a relationship. She was not bringing much to the table in terms of a long term relationship. The feelings I have are killing me. My self-esteem and confidence is so low...like it usually was before I met her. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone and this was my only change for a life-long relationship. I feel so below everyone. Everyone I speak with, I feel like they are better than me. I feel like everyone's little brother.

[junebug123]

Flag 5: Proclaimed to be a love addict and sex is a HUGE part of her relationships.

 

The texts were about me wanting to give her and her kids a stable happy home, and me doing whatever it took to give them that.

 

I take from this you want to save a women who clearly views herself as independent and you probably made the same mistake which those 15 guys made who tried to date her. She doesn't want to be saved, she claims to be a sex addict and that is probably the reason why she gets into a lot of these messed up relationships with unstable men. You need to just get over yourself, your not the one, she will eventually find someone who she is compatible with in the future.

 

I think if there is anything to take away from this, you basically made yourself too available and she is looking for someone who is going to be on equal terms with her, not needy. I would say that to be honest, you dodged a bullet especially with the amount of debt she has racked up, and that would have been debt you would have inherited if you married this girl.

 

Personally, people get boring after a while and i think that you are just getting away from her before you started to realize how normal and plain she is. Take a brake from thinking about her for a while and try to go about your life in the meantime. I feel like there is a possibility that she will call needing a favor or money in the future, don't take the call.

 

Clearly ... and nice body. Shallow and sad.

 

lol. Jealous much?