Dumped by Single Mom

[Unreasonable]

Sounds like a total flake. Don't feel too bad, you dodged a bullet.

 

My dad had me at 41 and he's still alive 42 years later. That's the nice thing about being a man, you can have a kid at any age. Don't despair about your age, you can do plenty after 35.

[metrogirl]

She has a history of going from man to man which is never good when there are small children involved. Even if some of the other red flags didn't exist, you would still have a lot of issues in the relationship. The children have never been part of a stable environment and undoubtedly behavior issues with them would arise and damage the relationship.

 

She doesn't want to work so her man hopping is how she probably pays the bills. I know you miss having someone to want and need you but she wanted and needed you for all the wrong reasons. Also regarding your lack of self esteem, not all women want tall rich men. Some of us truly just want someone to treat us good and love us whether you are rich or not.

[Ms Darcy]

Instead of routinely beating the dead horse with the OP, can we not just offer similar suggestions for him to cut this woman out of his life, go NC, and go to therapy for co-dependency issues and leave it at that? I think the OP understands he was responsible for a couple of the red flags and shouldn't have gotten 8 months deep into a relationship with this woman.

 

Pouring it on amongst several different posters doesn't help anyone out at ENA. Just saying.

 

If you post on a public forum about your behavior, you are going to get people's opinions on it so long as they are respectful. You have every right to complain about people being critical of his behavior.

 

To me, her behavior is equally troubling. We just have a tendency to rip the other person apart and make the OP into some sort of victim/hero when that is not the case. The kids are.

[oasisrob22]

If you post on a public forum about your behavior, you are going to get people's opinions on it so long as they are respectful. You have every right to complain about people being critical of his behavior.

 

To me, her behavior is equally troubling. We just have a tendency to rip the other person apart and make the OP into some sort of victim/hero when that is not the case. The kids are.

 

I don't disagree with giving your opinion; I just think once is enough rather than going around in a bashing circle with the same opinions of the OP. Just my two cents. But I digress.

[abitbroken]

Why are you listing all of her faults and red flags. You dated her for 8 months and were strongly thinking about moving in with her. It should be less about her faults or business and more of you focusing on why you dated someone who you felt had too many things you could not deal with. Was it because the sex was good? That she paid attention to you when another woman didn't? Either way - you knew right off the bat that she had two kids by two different men and you were okay with this enough to get past the "getting to know you" 3-10 dates.

 

 

 

Flag 2: She doesn't like working that much. She does not stay at a job very long (no more than a year) and all her jobs are low paying care-taking jobs ($10-12 bucks an hour).

 

I don't knock $10-12 jobs. Not everyone has the skills or training or the opportunity to make more. Not liking to work is another matter.

[mjk44]

She wanted a 'provider', she told me this. I wanted to make her better, build her confidence, improve her situation...as a partnership, a team. She wants some man to come in and give her all her wants and needs in intimacy and emotional...oh, and pay all the bills too.

What type of man would want to come into this situation where he is financially taking care of her and HER two kids? That part hurts. Knowing I gave her so much love and emotional support but could not and would not financially support her and her kids.

[PetiteGirl]

She wanted her needs fulfilled, but I wonder does she give back equally?

 

It was never on you to support her and her kids financially. That is her responsibility not yours.

[abitbroken]

She wanted a 'provider', she told me this. I wanted to make her better, build her confidence, improve her situation...as a partnership, a team. She wants some man to come in and give her all her wants and needs in intimacy and emotional...oh, and pay all the bills too.

What type of man would want to come into this situation where he is financially taking care of her and HER two kids? That part hurts. Knowing I gave her so much love and emotional support but could not and would not financially support her and her kids.

 

You can't talk negatively about her wanting a provider because YOU ACCEPTED THIS UPFRONT an were okay with it for eight months.

 

If the man was the father of the children and her job was to care for the kids during the day - then YES, it is okay to want the man to be the provider while she raises their children and handles a large percentage of home management. But that is a separate subject.

[mjk44]

You can't talk negatively about her wanting a provider because YOU ACCEPTED THIS UPFRONT an were okay with it for eight months.

 

If the man was the father of the children and her job was to care for the kids during the day - then YES, it is okay to want the man to be the provider while she raises their children and handles a large percentage of home management. But that is a separate subject.

 

She brought up the 'provider' when she broke up with me. Saying she did not want to have to work full time and wants to raise her kids. Basically saying she wants someone who will take her and her kids into her home and financially provide for the three of them. This hurt...Feeling like I'm a piece of because I'm a lowly teacher only making 50k a year can't solely provide for a family of 4.

[Lonewing]

Nobody missed the whole situation may and how it made him feel like. We have mentioned therapy to deal with codepency. I just think it is naive to underestimate the draw that the attraction has. He mentioned it and he would not have been trying to saved her had her physical looks not also fed his ego. He is insecure about his height.

 

I tend to notice as men mature ... some ... tend to decrease their need for models and pursue more average women. They are much more secure in themselves.

 

I also tend to notice as men get older and become successful, they divorce their average looking woman and pursue wife two, who matches their sports car that goes along with their midlife crisis.

 

The pretty only got him in the door. He stayed because he thought he could make a difference - which, well, it's really hard to say no to being there for kids. Really, Really hard.

[Lonewing]

Originally Posted by mjk44 View Post

 

Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up. The youngest was also a lot to deal with. Very smart, great personality, but had anger issues, and there was constant bickering and fighting with her sister.

 

I view this as a red flag towards your behavior. I could never be intimate with someone a) if the kids could hear and b) they were so traumatized.

 

It is very callous of both you and their mom.

 

You're always SO QUICK to beat people up here...

 

For what you may not know, it's relatively common for adults to have sex in the same house where their children are, and it's quite common that the children know what is happen or know something is happening.

 

These kids are traumatized, but it's not about the sex, its about what their life has been as a result of that sex. I'm willing to bet the oldest girl has spent more time than she may have liked raising her younger sister while mom was out and about. I can also tell you from experience that the younger kid's behavior is tied more to neglect and a demand for attention than anything else. This being said, it's something only her mom can fix.

 

Op, I have been through your trench, for 2.5 years. I'd still be there too, if she didn't break up with me, and it was difficult getting over it. In the end, once I completely detached myself from her life, form everything in her life, I broke free of her and I am extremely happy I have. This woman I was fallen for was yes, attractive. When I met her, she was a little heavier, but in a couple months she took the lbs off and from what little I have seen of her since, she has kept the weight off. She had a ton of attractive features beyond her looks, including her ambition, her organization, her abilities with her work, but above all else, there was her outpouring of emotional closeness when she was in the mood to be emotionally close. The only problem is, she isn't exclusive with it, even now that she's remarried for with number 3.

 

The last time I went back for the kids and it was a positive contribution, I think, for there was a lot of time there where they needed something that spring. Of course, as soon as she broke up with me, she moved the new man in, maintaining a seamless presence in their lives without a missed step.

 

Don't worry; You did what you could. Look at how many men before you have tried the same fight and lost - be happy you're lost!!!

[Lonewing]

Hey there, I can echo many of these same sentiments. When the red flags flew up after I first met her, I stayed away for three months. She kept coming on to me, and I think you know what I mean - the close hugs, the super sweet looks - it's a tough road to avoid!! But this is her personality and it is why she is single, or has had so many guys in her life - those ups and downs. My ex was diagnosed bi-polar in college, but she laughed it off and ran as far from that as possible. Truthfully, though...it's just what she wants to do. This woman was my drug, a toxic poison, and I loved taking hits on her; the euphoria could last for days at a time!!

 

The best thing you can do is go through a break up like this, at least once in your life. It will prepare you for any other big traumatic event in your life, including a death in the family or if someone around you is going through the same thing. Some people learn how to cope, while others shove it away in such a way that it becomes their trigger - my father has a trigger, for instance.

 

You can and will find a better woman than this wild ride, trust in yourself. The world is short on the qualities you carry, don't let them be lost in bitterness and certainly don't waste them on people like her!

 

In these next six months of loneliness, take your time and reinvent yourself, rebuild yourself, recommit yourself to your core values while building on what you have learned. You'll find her, sooner or later, but the longer you hang on to this, the longer it will be before you find her!!

[Lonewing]

It's a coping mechanism: by listing all the red flags, he reminds himself of why it is good that this relationship has ended, why he SHOULDN'T get back together, and why he MUST stay away from her.

 

It's also a mental exercise where the self tries to make sense of the disconnect between the logical side and the emotional side, where one side sees how obvious the answers are, while the other side still drags behind.

 

A good family friend actually sat me down and had me do this exercise, and when we finished, she then started a new paper and had me list everything I'm looking for in a woman, and from there we considered strategies and places of where I might go to find this new girl that I had imagined. I'll be honest, the hour I spent with her is worth more than any hour I spent in my recovery period or perhaps ever in my adult relationship life. After our talk, I really felt like the strings had FINALLY been cut, and I slept very very well that night.

 

Also, my ex was also in this senior care field. She moved up to Upper Management in two years - she had the skills and she knew how to work her personality without even being conscious that she was doing it. Men and women eat her up and she has done very well for herself. The thing is, though, she's only loyal to herself...

[Lonewing]

She wanted a 'provider', she told me this. I wanted to make her better, build her confidence, improve her situation...as a partnership, a team. She wants some man to come in and give her all her wants and needs in intimacy and emotional...oh, and pay all the bills too.

What type of man would want to come into this situation where he is financially taking care of her and HER two kids? That part hurts. Knowing I gave her so much love and emotional support but could not and would not financially support her and her kids.

 

There is a long line of suckers and if you look in her closets, you may find a couple still lingering behind. A woman like her, the road behind her is littered with the remains of those who were in your place before you. You wanted to work With her and she wanted you to work FOR her; some day, she may indeed find her prince.

 

And you will now find a fair partner!

[gardnergirl2]

She wanted a 'provider', she told me this. I wanted to make her better, build her confidence, improve her situation...as a partnership, a team. She wants some man to come in and give her all her wants and needs in intimacy and emotional...oh, and pay all the bills too.

What type of man would want to come into this situation where he is financially taking care of her and HER two kids? That part hurts. Knowing I gave her so much love and emotional support but could not and would not financially support her and her kids.

 

 

 

Hi OP. Your ex sounds a lot like my ex's current woman. One phrase stuck out at me. You wanted to make her better and be a team. OK....but what was her role in the "team"? I agree with another poster who said 10-12 dollar an hour jobs are not necessarily the problem, but an unwillingness to work is. On a "team" everybody has a role to play. What was going to be her role? Live off you? Not work? Not try to be an awesome mother? I'm not being mean, but it doesn't sounds like she's stable at all. It's hard to be a team that way.......And don't knock being a teacher. I was a teacher, and yes, teachers should be paid better. But it a great profession. She would have never contributed (I don't think) becuase she told you flat out.....she wants to be taken care of. That isn't a team. Just bringing that out I feel for those children. They have been tossed, sounds like, from pillar to post. When they grow up and are dysfunctional (I hope not), everyone will wonder why.....

[Lonewing]

What sucks so much in these situations, is how little you find out or fully comprehend until it has all come out. It's only after this other person lays down their hand that it all becomes crystal clear - and even then, it's just shock because it all simply does not make sense between what they have said and what they have done and what they say with each passing moment.

[gardnergirl2]

yea, I get what you are saying lonewing. From what I hear, my ex would give a mint to get out of his situation; but our state is common law, so not so easy.......oh well..... yea, but you don't always see sorriness until its right up on ya.

[mjk44]

I was walking my dog this morning and saw her drive by. Ugh..She turned away so we would not lock eyes. I don't know why this is so hard to get over when I know it is NOT the right situation for me. I don't want this but can't get over it.

[Lonewing]

I was walking my dog this morning and saw her drive by. Ugh..She turned away so we would not lock eyes. I don't know why this is so hard to get over when I know it is NOT the right situation for me. I don't want this but can't get over it.

 

Your biggest friend is time and distance. You may still get chills seeing her after a year, you'll just have to learn to regulate the feelings.

 

Moving may be a good thing, if it helps put distance between you.

 

Changing your number and address may further be a great thing if she falls on hard times and suddenly thinks you would be ideal again.

 

Either way, you have to put that fire out!

[annie24]

I hate to be so cynical (and of course I could be wrong here), but if she is broke and unstable, my guess is that she met some other guy with more $$$. I would forget her so fast. You don't need that in your life. Definitely don't go along with her if she comes back to you in the future wanting to get back together.

[abitbroken]

You don't "try to make a difference" with a girlfriend. You look for someone where you can equally add that little extra to eachother's lives, not someone to be a project. If you want to "make a difference" adopt a family for Christmas, join Big Brothers/Big Sisters, etc.

 

For what you may not know, it's relatively common for adults to have sex in the same house where their children are, and it's quite common that the children know what is happen or know something is happening.

 

Just because it happens doesn't mean its right. It is so wrong to be having sex while the kids are awake and moving around the house and need supervision. Sorry, but I never had a clue that my parents even HAD sex when I was little! I know in retrospect that they did because I have younger siblings born when I was old enough to be aware of what sex sort of was. Obviously not an adult view of it. But if they are that blatant about it being just a new boyfriend - well something is wrong to me. Maybe I am a prude but does one need to have sex that bad at 8 months that they can't wait to get a babysitter and go to the other person's house? Or at least wait until very late when everyone is asleep?

[akkella7]

all i have to say is congratulations to you for actually being open minded and dating a single mother. it's hard sometimes.

i'm sorry to hear about your heartache though.

 

i am a single mother and not one person in my city will go near me because i have a child. it's like i have a disease or something. they are too shallow to see past the child.

[mjk44]

Well...things took a turn. I decided to be nice for Christmas and dropped off a card with a wal-mart gift card for $100. I left it at her door and left. The next day, two cops show up at my door with an order of protection. I wanted to puke. I have never been in trouble in my life. So, after talking to a couple of lawyers I decided to fight it and have it dismissed. We had court yesterday. I never made eye-contact with her. It was hard. Even though she did this I did not hate her. We both said our peace and since I have no history of violence or threatening behavior the judge said he would dismiss the case if she agreed to it. She agreed and just wants me to leave her alone. I'm glad this is all over but it all hurts. How can an 8month relationship come to this??

 

We got so close so quick. I got close with the kids quick. It was hard losing her. It was harder losing all three. I'm sensitive. I'm a nice guy. I just want to have the ability to meet someone who has their together and have a loving relationship. I started going to Co-Dependency meetings. I'm just alone out here in Phoenix. No family here. A couple of close friends and that is it. I'm shy but I need to start getting uncomfortable if I want to attain what I want...I hate thinking that I'm never going to find someone better than this. How crazy is that? Someone who was not healthy, a ton of baggage and red flags, knowing I did not want a future with her, mentally unstable, financially unstable, and erratic. However, I would have never dumped her because I'm not good with rejection. When she dumped me, I can't handle it, even though I know I dodged a bullet. I'm a good, kind person. I just feel like I failed..

[Iggles]

I know I know. I don't know why it's been so hard to get over something that wasn't right. It wasn't about the face and body. She was quiet, sweet, the kids liked me. I felt I should be that strong, stable man in their life..the last one. To stop all the chaos.

 

In reading your story it sounds like the perfect mix of dysfunction, co-dependency, and self delusion.. You saw yourself as her rescuer and closed your eyes to all the things you didn't want to deal with.

 

Such as this little gem:

 

Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up.

 

I find this incredibly disturbing.

 

I feel for this young girl! From her reaction, she's been exposed to sex in a negative way (no doubt from her mother indiscreetly being intimate with her various 15 boyfriends..) and without her dad in the picture she will likely have a tough time forming healthy relationships. She is vulnerable towards having daddy issues and falling prey to men who will model the unhealthy relationship dynamics she has seen.

 

If she's banging on the door it meant she could hear you guys. You were definitely part of the problem, OP, having sex with the mom when the kids are around to hear was poor judgement.

 

what is wrong with me?

 

I'm 35 and 8 months is my longest relationship. I guess part of me thinks I can't do better.

 

Your poor self-esteem is causing you to take whatever you think you can get.. No regard to whether that person is emotionally healthy or a compatible partner to you.

 

You have some inner work to do. Self help books and/or speaking to a therapist are good ideas.. Best of luck.

[Iggles]

Oh man.... I am totally late to the party here, just caught up on the rest of this thread.

 

So sorry to read this update, OP! For what it's worth, I think you handled it correctly by speaking to lawyers and going to court. She was trying to destroy your reputation. Very nasty and vindictive that one is..

 

Best of luck going forward. You definitely dodged a bullet.. The next time you're interested in someone, remember it's not all about getting them to like you. You have to quality whomever you are considering dating. As you now know, choosing the wrong partner can wreck your life in so many ways!

 

Take some time to figure out if the woman is up to your standards. Decide what your deal breakers are and yes, REJECT a woman if she isn't right for you. You can't fall back on being the nice guy. People like your Ex take advantage. You have to look out for yourself too.