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Dumped by Single Mom


mjk44

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Brief background info: I'm a 35yr old male. I am a teacher and personal fitness trainer.

 

About a month ago I was dumped by my girlfriend, a single 32 year old mother of two girls (13 and 6). We dated for about 8 months but it got serious very quickly. I was days away from moving in with her when we both decided it was more for financial decisions and not the right move. A week or so later she broke up with me. Then, a few days later asked me back. Then, a few days after that ended it again for good. She has had bad intuition about the relationship from the beginning even though I treated her and her girls well but was careful not to get 'too involved'.

 

Here are the red flags:

 

Flag 1: Two kids, Two Dads

 

One out of state in jail for child abuse to one of his other kids with different woman

 

Other one is a wealthy dentist out of state who is a cross-dressing, drug abusing father who sees his daughter about twice a year for a few hours.

 

There is a third. The last boyfriend she had (20yrs older than her) began dating her when the youngest was 2. They led her to believe he was her dad and she called him dad. When they broke up he stopped seeing the girl but slowly came back while we were dating.

 

Flag 2: She doesn't like working that much. She does not stay at a job very long (no more than a year) and all her jobs are low paying care-taking jobs ($10-12 bucks an hour).

 

Flag 3: She is in credit card debt (about $10-15000) and in debt to her ex boyfriend for about 8k (which she pays back at $20/month).

 

Flag 4: She has had about 15 different relationships since the oldest was born (she's almost 13).

 

Flag 5: Proclaimed to be a love addict and sex is a HUGE part of her relationships.

Flag 6: She has moved accross country for men and moved away from family.

Flag 7: Told me she loved me very early on, talked marriage, house etc..

Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up. The youngest was also a lot to deal with. Very smart, great personality, but had anger issues, and there was constant bickering and fighting with her sister.

 

 

There are more that I can't remember right now. However, I MISS HER. I basically begged her to take me back twice before. She did and she loved how we communicated. Then she dumped me, I gave her space, she asked for me back..then dumped me again. I gave her space for a couple of weeks but then lost it. Emailing, texting..texting some more..and more. Then I missed her daughter so I went to see her at the bus stop. I finally get a text response saying stop contacting me and stay away from my kids or I'll get a restraining order. I was like..HOLY ! The texts were about me wanting to give her and her kids a stable happy home, and me doing whatever it took to give them that. blah blah.

 

The thing is, often times while I was at her place I took deep breaths, knowing I did not want this future, knowing I wanted a child of my own. Knowing she was dead broke, in debt, 3 men in her life and a lot of drams with the kids and all three are on medication. Her for anxiety and the girls for ADHD and ADD.

 

However, she was so sweet, kind, loving, sexual, calm. It was nice going somewhere everyday where someone cared about me. She was also VERY pretty. Good body, beautiful face..everything. The sex, while plentiful was not the best. It was fun but there was not much 'feeling'. I'm average size and she was....kind of large down there. Nonetheless, that did not bother me. I loved being with her in that moment. It was passionate, not just about getting off. Also, she loved giving oral and was GREAT at it.

 

All of these issues, all of these flags, knowing I didnt want this as my future but also not wanting it to end and not wanting her with someone else. It physically hurts and it's been over a month. I don't want the future...but I want right now. I think I just defined codependency.

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I know I know. I don't know why it's been so hard to get over something that wasn't right. It wasn't about the face and body. She was quiet, sweet, the kids liked me. I felt I should be that strong, stable man in their life..the last one. To stop all the chaos. I have stopped all contact for over a week. However, I find myself looking at her facebook. I don't have facebook so all I can see are her two main pictures. Today was a new one of her in front of christmas lights out by her friends or aunts place. It was a kick to the stomach just seeing her calm, pretty face. , what is wrong with me?

 

I'm 35 and 8 months is my longest relationship. I guess part of me thinks I can't do better. I'm a teacher so only make around 50k a year. I'm short, about 5'6 but I workout and have a good body, look really young.

 

I came from a home with a drunk abusive dad. So, I have Mr Nice Guy Syndrome in that I vowed to be 180 degrees different than him. I am and it has ruined my relationships and other areas of my life. I feel at 35 I may not find something better..

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I didn't 'think' I could. I wanted to. They don't have a positive male role model in their life. As for 8mos being my longest relationship? I don't have much esteem or confidence. I'm short. I don't make much money. I have been rejected a ton. I don't have that confident Type A manly personality. I'm also choosing the WRONG ones. Also, as I'm learning, I'm codependent.

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Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up. The youngest was also a lot to deal with. Very smart, great personality, but had anger issues, and there was constant bickering and fighting with her sister.

 

 

woah. that is messed up. so you guys would have sex and the kid would hear it? and then bang on the door asking for you guys not to make a brother or sister? wow, that is really messed up. i feel badly for that kid. she's obviously been dragged around the country, met a whole bunch of different guys. ugh.

 

anyway, like the others, i'm surprised at all the things a man will put up with when he sees a hot woman, regardless of the baggage and red flags.

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I didn't 'think' I could. I wanted to. They don't have a positive male role model in their life. As for 8mos being my longest relationship? I don't have much esteem or confidence. I'm short. I don't make much money. I have been rejected a ton. I don't have that confident Type A manly personality. I'm also choosing the WRONG ones. Also, as I'm learning, I'm codependent.

 

For all those of you who are stuck on the "she is pretty" comments, what you are truly missing is that this whole situation made him feel big, powerful, important, successful by comparison, and like he can make a difference and be appreciated. It's a lot more about how she and her whole situation made him feel than her looks alone. Feeling needed is quite potent and way more potent than looks.

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Nobody missed the whole situation may and how it made him feel like. We have mentioned therapy to deal with codepency. I just think it is naive to underestimate the draw that the attraction has. He mentioned it and he would not have been trying to saved her had her physical looks not also fed his ego. He is insecure about his height.

 

I tend to notice as men mature ... some ... tend to decrease their need for models and pursue more average women. They are much more secure in themselves.

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Flag 8: The oldest, in the beginning would bang on the door when we were having sex, screaming and crying that she did not want another brother or sister. This messed my head up. The youngest was also a lot to deal with. Very smart, great personality, but had anger issues, and there was constant bickering and fighting with her sister.

 

I view this as a red flag towards your behavior. I could never be intimate with someone a) if the kids could hear and b) they were so traumatized.

 

It is very callous of both you and their mom.

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You were obviously loud enough for her to wake up and hear! Not that you should have a sexless life but this girl seems traumatized. Most kids get creeped out when they catch their parents having sex, not bang on the door pleading for them not to make a baby. yikes

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Instead of routinely beating the dead horse with the OP, can we not just offer similar suggestions for him to cut this woman out of his life, go NC, and go to therapy for co-dependency issues and leave it at that? I think the OP understands he was responsible for a couple of the red flags and shouldn't have gotten 8 months deep into a relationship with this woman.

 

Pouring it on amongst several different posters doesn't help anyone out at ENA. Just saying.

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Yes, I have self-esteem and self confidence issues. Yes, I stayed with her bc it was comfortable. It was somewhere to go everyday and feel loved. I had never experienced that before. Yes, I'm the guy that becomes friends with women and then when I show interest, they reject me and I freak out...begging for a chance, writing letters, texting etc..blah blah! With her, I sat on her couch, knowing I didn't want a future with her and those kids. However, it felt good to feel loved and wanted. It sucked when towards the end she said she felt like she was mothering me because of my inexperience or felt more like a sister to me..yet would take me back and want to have sex. She was hot and cold, up and down and I took it all in stride instead of leaving because I never had a girlfriend and that title felt good. I used to say that I should have met and been with a few wrong women as I grew older without ever having a girlfriend. Well, I got what I asked for. I'm glad for the experience and it made me realize what I want in somebody and what I deserve. I miss little things about her. How she would answer the door in lingerie and lead me to her bedroom with candles glowing, the passionate kisses, the massages, the pedicures (dont knock it till you try it), the way she looked at me and called me 'Her Rock' because I tried to make things calm and comfortable in that house. I know it would have been a HARD LIFE being with her and those kids. She tries hard but is not the best with them. They overwhelm her and she doesnt have much help at all. She separates herself from many people. I have been to three Co-Dependency meetings so far. It obviously stems from wanting to be different from my dad's behavior towards women and children but I will overcome it. I will find someone I want and have MY OWN children with. Sometimes, that future is hard to envision at 35yrs old.

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