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Boyfriend thinks I'm too close to my best friend


xlobx

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Me and my bf have been going out for like 4 months now and we're in a long distance relationship. I'm best friends with one of his best friends, matt. So I see matt like quite a lot of the time when we're at collage. We're really close and we text quite a lot too. Sometimes we see eachother with friends but also alone.

 

He told me and my bf that he has been in love with me for quite a few months. At first my bf took it well but now hes finding it hard to deal with.

 

Me and matt get on really well and I feel like I really need him as a best friend while my bf is away. I love him as a friend. But a few weeks ago I noticed that I was getting a bit confused about how I feel about Matt. I was really looking forward to seeing him. So I had a big long think I'm not confused any more, Matt is just a close friend and I love my bf.

 

But I told my bf this and now he's kinda obsessed by it. He thinks we spend too much time together and texting each other. Once when Me and Matt went out to the pub with friends I went back to Matts place drunk for a bit before going home and my bf flipped out. He thinks its an 'inappropriate relationship'.

 

 

Is my bf being irrational, or is my friendship with Matt really crossing the line?

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Uhm, no, he's not being irrational. This guy told both you and your boyfriend that he's in love with you?

 

And now you say you're confused about your feelings? Or were. You think you've got that squared away.

 

I don't think you have to stop being friends with the dude, but I would say you should respect your boyfriend's desire for the two of you not to be alone.... that just sounds like trouble waiting to happen.

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^^^^agree.

 

But I think that Matt and you need to spend wayyyy LESS time apart.

He cannot go back to just being friends -- and clearly thought he could come between you and your bf.

 

This happened to me in college. My bf graduated, and his best friend and I hung out all the time. Turns out, bestie was falling in love with me.

I didn't see it, nor reciprocate it. He was going to tell my bf before he came for a visit --- and I found out. I had to "break up" with the friend...and it

wasn't fun or easy. Because I didn't feel the same way.

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No your bf is not being irrational at all. You have some pretty inappropriate boundaries with Matt that are disrespectful to your bf and your relationship.

 

Also, you are kind of being cruel to both of them. You are using Matt so you don't feel lonely while your bf is far away. You know Matt has feelings for you and yet you choose to maintain this very close connection with him instead of distancing yourself from him. You are in fact playing with his emotions, whether you are conscious of it or not. You are leaving your bf out in the cold with your inappropriate behavior wondering what is really up between you and Matt. Also, you are cheating on your bf emotionally by keeping another guy that close to you. It's not right.

 

In terms of boundaries, it's a small step between drunk at his place and nothing happened to drunk at his place, feeling lonely, confused about how you feel and something happens, as in you cheat. Put the shoe on the other foot - what if your bf called you up and told you how he ended up drunk over at some girl's house. Would you be comfortable with that or would you feel that was inappropriate?

 

I have nothing against opposite sex friendships and have many, as does my bf. However, there are some boundaries there to be maintained. Even if my guy friend and I have known each other for years, even if we are both in relationships and have never ever had any romantic interest for each other, we'd never do something that would cross boundaries of propriety and make our SO's uncomfortable. It doesn't matter that my friend and I know nothing would ever happen between us, it's about respecting our SO's.

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Look at the bolded parts. Now switch roles. You are your BF. BF is you. Matt is one of your girlfriends whom your BF befriends while you are living long distance.

 

If you were in your boyfriend's shoes, would you honestly be ok with the bolded parts that he would do with another girl? I don't think so.

 

When Matt tells your BF that he's in love with you, he stepped over the line and has openly disrespected you and your BF's relationship. Who in the right mind would ever tell a friend that they are in love with your SO/spouse and STILL be hanging out with them alone? And you should be ashamed of yourself for falling in love with him when you got a boyfriend, friend or not. That is totally unacceptable.

 

Matt is no friend. He wants more from you. Be smart and walk away NOW if you have any respect for your relationship and your BF.

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This is just a general rule of thumb, hon.

 

It's not doing the guy any favors if he's in love with you and you're not in love with him to be friends.

 

It's not encouraging him to find someone who truly reciprocates his feelings.

 

It's giving him, whether even he realizes it or not, a smidgen of hope you'll wake up one day and realize it's him you want.

 

And it's understandably making your bf a bit insecure. If you knew one of your girl friends was in love with your bf - how would your mind play games with you if he went back to her place drunk, even if he was completely innocent? If he texted her a lot and spend time alone with her? It would eat at you - because you'd never be sure if the friend would make a move - and if he'd be able to deflect, or have a moment's weakness with her.

 

Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and gently move someone to a less important position in your life as a FRIEND. He will be better off focusing in finding his own girl than spending time mooning over you.

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If your boyfriend has a female best friend and he did what you've been doing with Matt, would you be ok with it? The exact same behaviors--would you be flipping out if he went drunk to her place before coming home?

 

I think that you would have a massive problem with it.

 

It's time for Matt to find another best friend and for you to pull up your big girl pants and learn to deal without your boyfriend around. You don't need Matt's company, especially when he has declared his feelings for you. YOur relationship with Matt IS crossing the line.

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