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Will he ask me out again after this?


alfalfa

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So I went on 3 dates with this guy. Every date went VERY well. Everything was off to a great start and he seemed extremely interested, constantly saying how much he enjoys my company and wants to see me again soon. I really like him too.

 

Then with date 4 came a bump in the road... So Date 3 was dinner at my house on a Wednesday. At the end of the night, we planned to meet up on Friday, but didn't exactly make SOLID plans. He works night shift so I would have had to meet him at like midnight. Since I invited him for Date 3, I wanted to play it kind of cool and not seem to anxious for Date 4, because I never have any luck when I go chasing after a guy. So then I didn't hear from him Thursday (kind of expected a thank you for last night, but not a deal breaker)... Didn't hear from him all day Friday... And by 9:30PM on Friday I felt like I was being blown off as I expected him to re-confirm our plans by then. So when he finally texted me at 11:30PM when he was done work and I said I had made other plans since I didn't hear from him so I didn't know if we were still on or not, he seemed pretty annoyed, because in his mind he just assumed we had plans. He said "why didn't you just message me?!". I felt pretty bad after that, I didn't mean to play games I just wanted to see what he was like as my ex-bf was very unreliable and flakey with plans which I hated, and allllll my girlfriends said "NO he should message you since you planned the last date" lol. So I tried to redeam myself, said sorry it was a miscommunication and asked if he could hang out Sunday or Monday. He said Sunday he had plans, Monday MAYBE but was having dinner with his mum. But he was pretty short and sweet...

 

So on Monday - He texts at 9PM and says he's still at his Mum's (which is right down the street from me...), but is going to call it a night after because he is tired, and asked me how my day was. That's fine. I just said "ok no worries" and we chatted for a minute then that was it. He didn't ask to meet up another day I'm afraid that how I tried to redeam myself by asking him out came off as needy or something and pushed him away.

 

So I'm obviously not going to ask him out again... But my question is... Is there a chance that HE still will again? I'm pretty disappointed that it got a little weird because the first 3 dates were soooooooo good!

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It sounds like a mis-communication but also that he was looking for a way to fade out. It doesn't sound like he would have made other plans for midnight on a Friday - is it possible he expected to meet up for a booty call?

 

NO no I'm the one that said I made other plans. Because he only texted me at 11:30PM. He was annoyed that I had made other plans and still wanted to meet up. No he doesn't seem like the booty call type... He hasn't even tried to sleep with me yet. We fooled around when he came to my house but he said "i don't want to rush it". So that made me feel like he was somewhat serious.

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NO no I'm the one that said I made other plans. Because he only texted me at 11:30PM. He was annoyed that I had made other plans and still wanted to meet up. No he doesn't seem like the booty call type... He hasn't even tried to sleep with me yet. We fooled around when he came to my house but he said "i don't want to rush it". So that made me feel like he was somewhat serious.

 

I understood that. I mean that his level of annoyance was a bit of an overreaction -it's not like he was going to make plans at midnight that night if you had told him in advance, right?

I don't think he gets any credit whatsoever for not trying to have sex with you -he's known you a short time so that should be a given. It's not bad that he said "I don't want to rush it" but I also don't see it as any sign of what he's looking for, not this early on.

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It kinda sounds like he has lost interest. Time will tell. In the meantime, just keep dating others. It was only three dates. You'll be fine.

 

That's how it seems to me too. I just don't understand why such a small miscommunication as Friday could make him lose interest. He seemed VERY interested when we were together on the first 3 dates.

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I think that you should have touched bases with him to firm up your plans before you made plans with your friend to spite him. The plans you made were nebulous at best--neither of you were firm before he left your house on Wednesday. There's nothing saying that you can't speak up for yourself if you wanted to go out with him again. You decided to play a game and miscalculated.

 

Your girlfriends are quite wrong. It's not about who made the date last... when you start keeping score of who did what when, that's spelling the doom of the involvment. It's becomes give to get and that is fatal for relationships. You had an interest in this man and you should have trusted yourself to stand in your truth and speak it. You gave up your voice and threw in with mindgames and comparison games using your ex as the yardstick and it backfired. Stop running your relationship decisions past your committee of girlfriends--that's a sure fire way of staying single and unhappy.

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Nothing to do with minor miscommunication. He was already losing interest and was going to fade regardless. If he had been totally into you, a minor miscommunication would have meant nothing at all and he would have been making you more of a priority when he is free from work and available during normal hours rather than getting annoyed that you didn't meet him in the middle of the night.

 

You didn't cause this, there was just not enough there to begin with on his side. Some people can be great dates even when they are not that into you. A few nice dates really doesn't mean much.

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Yes I NOW agree with this. This is the first guy I have dated in 3 and a half years since me and my ex broke up so I guess I didn't really know how to play it. I always had failed experiences in the past when I went chasing a guy, and always had positive experiences when I was the one being chased. So when I didn't hear from him for 2 days after the third date, I just assumed I was being blown off. But then he got mad that I had made other plans. Yes, this is my mistake, but I just felt like he should have re-confirmed plans as well. Total miscommunciation. I hoped to see him again so that I could explain (BRIEFLY lol) why I didn't message him first, and that I wouldn't do that again...

 

I DID speak up after this and ask him out again... But he doesn't seem extremely interested. He didn't say NO, but he didn't really go for it either. I'm not going to ask him again.

 

So is it blown or do you think he would still want to go out again?

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Nothing to do with minor miscommunication. He was already losing interest and was going to fade regardless. If he had been totally into you, a minor miscommunication would have meant nothing at all and he would have been making you more of a priority when he is free from work and available during normal hours rather than getting annoyed that you didn't meet him in the middle of the night.

 

You didn't cause this, there was just not enough there to begin with on his side. Some people can be great dates even when they are not that into you. A few nice dates really doesn't mean much.

 

This sounds right. But then how are you supposed to know how to read signs...

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I agree with Kend and I think this could fall into the "men aren't stupid" category. I can totally see how he lost interest if he saw into the game you were playing ... and yes it was a game. You were playing a game because you could have just asked "Oh, o we still have plans?" before making other plans. That's how it seems to me.

 

I would chalk this one up to experience.

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I agree with Kend and I think this could fall into the "men aren't stupid" category. I can totally see how he lost interest if he saw into the game you were playing ... and yes it was a game. You were playing a game because you could have just asked "Oh, o we still have plans?" before making other plans. That's how it seems to me.

 

I would chalk this one up to experience.

 

 

He doesn't even know my story though or why I would have done that. I don't want to always be the one messaging him about plans, I feel like it should be equal especially at the beginning.

 

Do you think there is any way to fix the situation now? I would really like to see him again but don't want to push.

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He doesn't even know my story though or why I would have done that. I don't want to always be the one messaging him about plans, I feel like it should be equal especially at the beginning.

 

Do you think there is any way to fix the situation now? I would really like to see him again but don't want to push.

 

Well, in order for him to play by your unwritten, unspoken "rules", you must wait for him to get in contact.

Otherwise, you will be pushing.

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Well, in order for him to play by your unwritten, unspoken "rules", you must wait for him to get in contact.

Otherwise, you will be pushing.

 

So I was being unreasonable by expecting / hoping him to re-confirm plans for Friday? After I had him for dinner on Wednesday, I felt like if he really wanted to see me again he would have made sure we were still on... earlier than 11:30PM lol.

 

I appreciate the opinions! I just am surprised that everyone thinks I am 100% in the wrong... IMO if a man really likes a woman, something like that would not push him away that quickly.

 

I guess time will tell.

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I think that since he works a late shift and you knew that, it would have behooved you to either contact him, or keep you plans open.

That you rescheduled something else on a night you had plans...as you can see -- since you saw him Wed, and the next date was for Fri -- he totally

assumed it was still on.

 

And --- were the other dates "confirmed"?

 

For the first year I was dating my bf, I confirmed plans set at the beginning of the week. Now, not so much. If he says "dinner on Wed", I just show up.

 

But when you are first dating someone, if you want confirmation, you should let them know.

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So I was being unreasonable by expecting / hoping him to re-confirm plans for Friday? After I had him for dinner on Wednesday, I felt like if he really wanted to see me again he would have made sure we were still on... earlier than 11:30PM lol.

 

I appreciate the opinions! I just am surprised that everyone thinks I am 100% in the wrong... IMO if a man really likes a woman, something like that would not push him away that quickly.

 

I think you could stay single for another three years if you act passive aggressively in response to your unspoken expectations. It can be a turn off. I think it was the "I made other plans" that seems like game playing.

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I think that since he works a late shift and you knew that, it would have behooved you to either contact him, or keep you plans open.

That you rescheduled something else on a night you had plans...as you can see -- since you saw him Wed, and the next date was for Fri -- he totally

assumed it was still on.

 

And --- were the other dates "confirmed"?

 

For the first year I was dating my bf, I confirmed plans set at the beginning of the week. Now, not so much. If he says "dinner on Wed", I just show up.

 

But when you are first dating someone, if you want confirmation, you should let them know.

 

 

Yes, the first 3 dates were confirmed. And I agree, when you are in a relationship, plans are just ASSUMED. But since we were only 3 dates in, I did not want to get too ahead of myself and ASSUME like he obviously did. In my mind, he would have been in touch earlier than 11:30PM if he wanted to see me. NOW I see I was in the wrong too... The point of the story is it was just a big miscommunication but I wish I had the chance to explain this to him!

 

So at this point I do NOT ask him out again, correct? I already did once after this failed date. So now, I just leave it be and see if I hear from him?

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I think you could stay single for another three years if you act passive aggressively in response to your unspoken expectations. It can be a turn off. I think it was the "I made other plans" that seems like game playing.

 

OK yes I agree now in retrospect... But what do I do now? I would like to see this guy again.

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The fact that you had your third date at your place, yet wanted to take it slow - doesn't exactly add up. He's already showing you his intentions by so putting in so little effort. You didn't put out on the third date, so it's pretty much, "eh." He doesn't sound much of a winner to me. If he can find time for a dinner (even with his mom), he could have made a date that doesn't start at midnight for you. I wouldn't sweat over this one. He sounds mediocre at best.

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I think that if someone is into you (at least as much as you are into this guy), a miscommunication doesn't make him lose interest. Yes, you could have messaged him to ask. Ok, you didn't. BUT you had him over at your place for dinner on the third date AND you asked him out again after that misunderstanding. It's obvious you're very interested. As for him, I think he's either not that interested or he's trying to 'teach you a lesson'. I wouldn't expect anything if I were you.

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I'm gonna go against the grain here and I say I think he's the one who dropped the ball. You had him over for dinner Wed, made plans for Fri and then he doesn't call at all on Thurs or Fri day/night to say "thanks" or "see you Friday" or "are we still on for tomorrow?" I think that says "not that interested" and you did NOTHING wrong. Making other plans prior to almost midnight on a Friday is totally acceptable in my books. Waiting till 11:30pm to see if you're still on is waiting around and if you had done that you'd be getting the opposite message "you shouldn't wait around for a guy...you should have made other plans".

So good news: you did nothing wrong (in my opinion)

Bad news: he's not that interested (also just my opinion)

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I don't think at all that you were in the wrong, but I do see a guy who is only lukewarm about you!

 

A guy who was really into you would of course have followed up after Wednesday's dinner, and would have kept in touch and confirmed the plans for Friday. Nobody "confirms" plans at 11:30 pm unless it's for a booty call. It sounds to me like he was thinking he would come to your place again, which is extremely presumptuous on his part and makes me question his intentions with you.

 

I also think you did the right thing by telling him you had made other plans when you didn't hear from him. You are not and should never be on hold for him or anybody else; if someone wants to see you, they need to make the effort and communicate that they want to spend time with you. Had you met up with him last Friday under those conditions, you would have set up a very unfavorable precedent for yourself, you would have taught him that it's okay to leave you hanging until the very last moment and that he doesn't need to make any effort to "court" you properly. Good for you for doing what you did! Now he knows that if he wants to see you, he has to ask you out in advance, clearly, and to keep in touch. He may not like it (because he doesn't sound too interested to me), but now it's up to him, if he wants to put in the effort and go on seeing you, or call it quits, if he feels it's too much effort for him, and this way you're not wasting your time.

 

Do not ask him out again. If you do, you're backpedalling, and should expect last week's behaviour to repeat itself. Let him show you what he wants, with his actions. If he's interested, he will contact you again. If he's not, it's not because of what happened on Friday, it's because he wasn't all that interested to begin with.

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The fact that you had your third date at your place, yet wanted to take it slow - doesn't exactly add up. He's already showing you his intentions by so putting in so little effort. You didn't put out on the third date, so it's pretty much, "eh." He doesn't sound much of a winner to me. If he can find time for a dinner (even with his mom), he could have made a date that doesn't start at midnight for you. I wouldn't sweat over this one. He sounds mediocre at best.

 

I don't know about this. They both chose to have the third date at her place - not just him. And they both chose to make out. What's wrong with him putting on the brakes? And from that, where is this "you didn't put out" coming from? Is he just getting a bad rap because he is a guy and that's how some guys are?

 

I do think there is a bit of a myth that if a guy is into you he is going to be jumping through hoops chasing the woman and absolutely infatuated from the word go. People can be busy. More importantly, some men simply don't think like women. It can make sense to me all day long that my bf should call me when he's on his way over (so I can be ready), but if we agreed he's coming over after work, he won't think of it. He'll end work (whenever) and just come over. People are busy, people have lives. I never made a guy I was dating in the first couple of months a priority - just how I am.

 

I don't look for those details. I look for reciprocity and consistency. It was and is way to soon, after only three dates, know if he's the kind of guy like MHowe's guy who assumes plans are on unless otherwise stated or if he was losing interest. It was only a couple of days since their last date and he works late shifts. If those details are important to you, then just ask him to confirm in the future. It's just that simple. It is really over time that you would know how interested he is and his intentions towards you.

 

Having said that, I think it was clear to me he lost interest after the passive aggressive move. Instead of saying the stuff about dinner with mom, he should have been honest with her. I think he's trying to fade out.

 

I think you should just let someone who is trying to fade fade.

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I'm gonna go against the grain here and I say I think he's the one who dropped the ball. You had him over for dinner Wed, made plans for Fri and then he doesn't call at all on Thurs or Fri day/night to say "thanks" or "see you Friday" or "are we still on for tomorrow?" I think that says "not that interested" and you did NOTHING wrong. Making other plans prior to almost midnight on a Friday is totally acceptable in my books. Waiting till 11:30pm to see if you're still on is waiting around and if you had done that you'd be getting the opposite message "you shouldn't wait around for a guy...you should have made other plans".

So good news: you did nothing wrong (in my opinion)

Bad news: he's not that interested (also just my opinion)

 

Here is where we ladies get into trouble. I personally think it's fine if you want to go this way. Hey, after a date, men should thank me. Ok sure. But if you are going to stay silent and make other plans when you had plans with him, then be prepared to make other plans in terms of dating.

 

If you want a man who acts a certain way, that's fine. The problem she is in now is that she's scrambling to regain his interest now that she bluffed him. If you are gonna have those boundaries, then you gotta be prepared to walk away.

 

I still don't understand why she couldn't have confirmed plans quickly with him before making other ones. That's not chasing.

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