This is really messed up please read till the end.

[Twiceborn]

Okay, first off thank you for clicking on my thread and taking the time to alalyze it and read it! Please take the time to read it!

 

Me and my ex-girlfriend met online. We became really good friends and we used to hang out a lot at her house and I slept over a lot when we were friends. A month or so later I started to developed intense feelings of love for this women. A weekend night a month into our friendship we were watching movies and somehow we needed up in her bed. We had sex and I found out she was a virgin. The next night I asked her out and she accepted. I'm 23 and my ex was 25 at the time.

 

So after about two months in our relationship was great, no real fighting or stressing and plenty of great sex and experimenting. We were each others first real relationship. Although a couple months later maybe 4 months in she was constantly very critical of my motivation in life since I wasn't working or driving but I was making a effort, during our relationship I did manage to get my licence, a car and advance a lot in life, sadly I realise now I did it for HER. We were fighting quite a lot but she knew how much I cared about her and would break my back for her!! (getting up at 4am to pick her up from the nightclub for an example) So one night I took her out to dinner, she seemed a little off, I had a feeling she was going to dump me. She dumped me over dinner (6 months in). I ed up and pleaded for her to just give me another chance and told her I had plans to maybe even marry her one day and she should reconsider. She basically told me she fell out of love with me and that was the meaning for the breakup. She told me it was due to a whole bunch of things. I was too "forgetful" and "clumsy" at times, which I was due to working long hours. I would forget small things like my keys or wallet inside and she would get really angry about this.

 

Anyway after the breakup I still agreed to stay in contact, I went over her house one day and caught her online a dating site and she got embarrassed. We slept a couple times after the relationship ended and the last time it was awkward, she cried after it and I held her tight and she said "we shouldn't be doing this".

 

So, about a week/month passes and we are not talking much, I work filleting fish and brought her over some really nice fresh fish for her and her cat (she lives alone), I asked her how it was. She messaged me later over facebook telling me "It was great! me and my cat loves it!! Anyway... for some really odd reason it felt like we were getting on, and all of a sudden I just ignored her completely on facebook after discovering "no contact" but I still felt the urge to check on her facebook. I just didn't want to talk to her but see what she was up too. So I ignored her, she sent a message like breadcrumbs every fortnight saying "hello" and the last one "heya" the night after I ignored her last messaged she deleted amd blocked me off facebook. I still feel to this day it was my fault and perhaps we could of worked things out or became friends if I just stayed in contact, which I'm still urging towards. She was my BEST friend and understood me and had the most trolliest and sexiest personality that just clicked with me.

 

So it has been roughly 3-4 months since we've spoken. I stalked her facebook and "cheated" the no contact about 2 weeks ago, she made a new account under a new name with spaces in her name. She has a few selifies up there and isn't in a relationship. I know this was counter-productive but I felt the urge was needed, to this day I'm still unsure if I'm so emotionally invested but somehow I doubt it. It was more so a curious thing I'm sure of it.

 

I have since gotten myself in a new relationship, and plenty of other good attributes in my life. BUT I CANT BUT HELP TO FEEL LIKE THIS IS A REBOUND RELATIONSHIP, I DO FEEL SORRY FOR THE GIRL. I do like this girl dont get me wrong, shes a LOT more stress free and the sex is amazing. But here is the catch, shes making me feel like I'm in my old relationship with roles reversed... She has no job, no car, no licence and no mototivation and is clumsy at times. I cannot help but feel empathy for this girl, shes much prettier than my ex but doesn't compete in the personality department. I forgot to mention my ex was extremely sensual in her way she touches you and would plan romantic things for us like road trips to beautiful places, my current girlfriend doesn't plan anything and never has money to, shes hardly sensual but I still care about her.

 

Shes making me miss my ex, shes making me realise all the crap I did wrong and it's rather unsettling!! I tried to break it off with her last week telling her shes not making enough effort to change and evolve for us.

 

I need advice on how I should contact my ex, regardless I know shes too prideful to contact me, she even said one time shes not the type of person to reach out when communication is over, I would have to be the one. Now I know I made a lot of mistakes, like jealousy, neediness, no where in life and not trying hard enough and taking her for granted. I'm not even sure if I want anything more with her, but I do know I'm much much less emotionally attached to her as I was. It would probably unsettle me a little if she had a new boyfriend, vis versa.

 

So If I ever do open communication with my ex again and I let me current girlfriend go, even as friends how would I go about this? Text message? Phone call? Letter for Christmas?

 

I'm not desperate don't get me wrong but I wouldn't made having her as friends (OR PERHAPS something more). Thanks for reading all of this! Ask any questions and I will reply ASAP!!

[firefly2613]

I think you're focusing on the wrong things.

 

First of all, you should not be hurting this girl. I'm sure she's great, but comparing her to your ex is not fair because no one else is going to BE your ex.

 

Second of all, I don't think you should reach out. You never know what your ex has been doing. Like you said, what if she's with someone? You would only set yourself back.

 

And third, you need to spend some time on your own for personal reflection. You need to be happy alone.

[Twiceborn]

PS: I feel I have healed a lot since our relationship has ended.

[Twiceborn]

Thanks, I like you're correct about this girl, I should not be comparing her. Which I have done to this girl by accident and she was very sad and emotional. I dislike hurting anyones feelings don't get me wrong. I also tried to break it off with this girl, she seems really invested into me, I do love her. This might sound shallow but I doubt I could ever love her personality as much as I ex until she developed her own independence.

 

I "THINK" I just want my ex back as a friend, I'm worried I might set myself back. How do I know when it's time to contact my ex? I know she will never contact me, she will think shes leading me on, shes intelligence emotionally.

[firefly2613]

I can't be sure when you will be ready.

 

But since this new girl is making you think of the old girl, I don't think this is the right time for any contact.

 

And it's not shallow. You feel what you feel but there's no way she can compete with an ex that you still, in some way, have on a pedastal.

[Dcgent]

You sound utterly confused and unsure of yourself as well. I don't understand how the sex is amazing with the new girl, but she is not sensual. More often then not, thos go hand in hand. It sounds like you were not with your ex for that long and it turned sour pretty quick. Do you want to be around someone that gets frustrated with you all the time over who you are? I think you are not healed and it sounds like you need to gain more security within yourself. Respect yourself more before giving yourself to someone else. Figure out what it is you want. Doesn't stalking someone feel pathetic?

[Twiceborn]

I can't be sure when you will be ready.

 

But since this new girl is making you think of the old girl, I don't think this is the right time for any contact.

 

And it's not shallow. You feel what you feel but there's no way she can compete with an ex that you still, in some way, have on a pedastal.

 

 

Thanks for all the advice I appropriate it! But if I ever do decide to reconnect communication how should I go about it since I was the one who originally started just ignoring her and she blocked me.

 

I feel a text is too easy, perhaps a call? Or maybe a Christmas card? I doubt meeting in person randomly is a good idea since she always wants to know in advance if I was coming over even when we were going out... Any advice?

 

Thanks

[Twiceborn]

You sound utterly confused and unsure of yourself as well. I don't understand how the sex is amazing with the new girl, but she is not sensual. More often then not, thos go hand in hand. It sounds like you were not with your ex for that long and it turned sour pretty quick. Do you want to be around someone that gets frustrated with you all the time over who you are? I think you are not healed and it sounds like you need to gain more security within yourself. Respect yourself more before giving yourself to someone else. Figure out what it is you want. Doesn't stalking someone feel pathetic?

 

I should of reworded my terminology, I didn't really stalk her just checked out her profile since I know a mutual friend of hers. I believe you're right though, I always had security issues, I tried to make her jealous once which backfired. I'm just not sure if I want her as a friend or if opening communication with her will hurt me. I don't want to cheat or break up with my current girlfriend as I do have feelings. I just want to be friends with my ex at the moment merely.

[SooSad33]

WHY do you feel you should contact your ex now?

 

You are going to get majorly messed up this way. Have you taken a true break at all between these ladies? Especially if you've been comparing them and still caught up in last relationship-causing this to be a 'rebound'?

 

First- YOU need to start working on yourself, by 'accepting' the last break up, doing some healing AND you should be working on your jealousy & neediness, like you've mentioned.

 

Being emotionally attached is good to admit, fine, but when a couple breaks up, it is VERY hard to remain 'friends', with so much between you two. Also, you can't really be friends when those 'feelings' are still there.

 

I will quote what you have said

>> "I'm not even sure if I want anything more with her"

There you go.. see? You are NOT stable at this time. You're still 'stuck' in your last relationship & now in a new one.

 

I think you should really back off this new gal and start focusing on yourself for a while. Work on dealing with your last break up and heal from that... before you move on another one, or else this happens. (rebound). Is what you're new one is.

>>"Shes making me miss my ex, shes making me realise all the crap I did wrong and it's rather unsettling!"

 

Best to go into a new relationship 'healed' and stable minded. Grounded and 'happy' with yourself.

 

good luck

[Ms Darcy]

This is textbook rebounding. You need to end it with your current gf ASAP. If you are considering even contacting your ex, you have no space in your heart for a new girl. Plus, all this comparing to the ex makes it obvious you are not ready to date. Please please end it with the new girl. Tell her you are not over the past relationship and not ready to date.

[shelty24]

Uh for gawds sake. Break up with this new girl and stop using her and get over your ex before you meet someone new.

[Doofus]

I think how you get over your ex is to date new girls. Just don't get serious. If you have gotten serious, then what I think is that you go no contact for real with your ex. Do that for 2 months before you break up with the new girl. And I mean NO CONTACT. Don't look her up on fb or any other social media. Delete all emails and texts between you two that you may have saved. Or, if you can't bring yourself to do that, put them all in a folder and don't look at the folder. Remove anything that reminds you of your ex.

My bet is, that after two months of true nc you'll like the new girl a whole lot better. If the sex is great, then you've got something worth exploring. Don't give that up just because the timing isn't right or you haven't given it your best shot.

 

Good Luck

[Twiceborn]

Thanks for the dose of reality, clearly I see your point of view much better tonight. I appropriate your comment. I will not contact my ex now because it's counter-productive to my healing.

 

I'm having a issue though. I think this rebound relationship is healing me somewhat, the loneliness and sex. It feels good having sex with someone else, it counters the pain of me thinking of her having sex with someone else. It's almost like I create some sort of delusion that I'm "getting back at her" every time I do it, I know it's not really right.

 

This girl really likes me, I feel so sorry I've started this, she basically forced me to ask her out. I should do the right thing and end it, I will try tomorrow, I feel so bad leading up to Christmas doing this to the poor girl!

[Twiceborn]

This is textbook rebounding. You need to end it with your current gf ASAP. If you are considering even contacting your ex, you have no space in your heart for a new girl. Plus, all this comparing to the ex makes it obvious you are not ready to date. Please please end it with the new girl. Tell her you are not over the past relationship and not ready to date.

 

I think, sadly, you're correct. Thank you for your post too. I will try end this tomorrow, I just really don't want to destroy her leading up to Christmas with her depression and all.

 

I know, I know... Sooner better than later right? I tried to end it last week but she got really emotional over facebook and wouldn't have a bar of it, I was a sucker and just gave in, I will try harder this time

[Twiceborn]

You're right, and to everyone saying I'm using her... Well she basically forced me into asking her out. One night after sex she said "so when are you going to ask me out already?" it made it really awkward, I actually at the time wasn't sure if I loved her or not, I was confused, it was bad judgement to say the least. It was my second relationship and at the time I did fancy her just wasn't 100% healed neither!!!

 

I was two months into strict no contact when I asked her out, it's only been the last couple of weeks I checked her facebook by the way, this in itself tells me I haven't healed correctly! I'm pretty logical don't get me wrong I understand the symptoms when something is out of place!!! Thanks for the advice, I'm going to try my hardest to not check her facebook after tonight! and exercise and just DATE WITH NO STRINGS attached after I break the bad news to my soon ex!

[Twiceborn]

I need to also ask everyone this question which has be BUGGING ME SO MUCH!!. So since we never really had a awful falling out and our last encounter was actually on good terms. Why did I feel the need to just disappear? Why do I feel guilty still to this day? Perhaps because I did/still hold onto the delusion If I stayed in contact we could of worked something out? (which isn't impossible logically).

 

Is it possible me going no contact (randomly while on good terms) without tell her was a bad move? Especially because we were getting along really well? And will she be angry (I know it doesn't matter what she thinks, yada yada)

 

These questions have been bothering and hurting my healing process ever since day one of NC, and still hurt just as much as that day when I think about them, please help answer and heal me!!! Thanks!