The only problem is LDR...I love to get her back

[hope4future]

Hi,

 

My relationship is so long (6 years) and I can tell a lot about it...but very short I should say this is broken mainly bc of LDR and I am looking forward to hear your recommendations to make this relation works again...

 

I have been in long distance relation with my ex for almost 6 years; she lives in Sweden and I live in US. Because of visa issues, I could not go to see her in the past 5 years, but, she came to US two times. We loved each other very much and were together almost every day, 100% trust...The last time she went back to Sweden (in late August), we even found how much we are in love and we were planning to get together asap...we had an argument on her laziness in replying to my txt messages in October (she was the same since the beginning of our relationship) and I told her that since I love her more, I would like to hear from her sooner...this happened several times, and on the side she was under the pressure of losing her job...after several similar behaviors, I said I do not like this relation any more and think we might have to break up...She asked me if I am sure about it...I thought for a week and said that I am not willing to break up and I just want you to have more respect to what I expect you to do...

Surprisingly, she said that she is not willing to continue the relation either...I was too shocked...I asked her for the reason, and she just said that the 4 years LDR and this month (we had the minimum conversation in October) have made me numb...I did not say anything and just asked her to think more about it...I was going to a conference several days later...on the day of my travel, she txt me how are u...I did not expect her txt after all these arguments and asked the reason, she said I love you...I was super happy that day and went to the conference and thought everything is getting better...I sent her some pictures and txt her...but, again I did not hear back from her...I called her a few days later asking for the reason...She said: I want to break up with you!!!!!! I do not like and cannot be in this relation anymore...I am sure that I will not find anyone like you in my life, but I do not get positive energy from you...I found it so serious and so like any other dumped persons, started to ask her to not doing this with me...crying...

I had a very very very bad time...

 

It is 15 days that I am on NC phase...I am in touch with her close friend in Sweden...I accept that the relation is over...I know her very well and know that it is very difficult for her to change her mind...I remember when we had a simple argue, it was taking 1-2 days that she recovers...and now, the LDR, one month of minimum contact after she came to here and we had a very great time together...all and all ensure me that she might not loves me anymore...however, she is not sure about her decision yet...this is something that our common friend told me...except the LDR, we did not have any any any other issues with each other...

 

but, when I was talking with her close friend, she said that my ex is still numb and her feeling did not have changed...also, she is not sure about the full break up yet...I did not have talked with her and plan to continue it for at least next few weeks...I am not going to push her or ask her to love me again or change her mind...she has decided to break up and she needs to come back if she would like to...

 

but, I was thinking to do something instead of saying I love you...I thought it might be helpful if I go there...I am looking for possible positions and plan to go there in mid-February and try to have her back...I really love her more than anything in the world and I deeply wish that I can have her again with me, but I know that I cannot push her to love me and I do not like to do it...I was wondering if you all have any recommendations for me...

 

Thank you so much

[Fushigidane]

Allow me to give you some observations, from my experience.

-Time difference. I don't know where in the USA you live but no matter what the time difference is large. I was living 12 hours diffence from my ex. He seemed not to understand that not checking my phone or missing a text could translate into movie length, hours of work, a full night's sleep of time between texts. If she was stressed about work this likely added to it.

 

-"I love you more". This may have contributed to why she waited so long between text, if she did not miss them. It sounds very belittling to hear from someone you love that they "love you more". If the person you love isn't feeling your love and you are already stressed why would you want the extra pressure of "proving" yourself.

 

It seems like you were pushing her to give you emotional support that she couldn't provide in a stressed state accross an ocean.

That's just me though.

 

I think you should send one lsast email. Tell her you were feeling vunerable and were looking for support, but went about it in the wrong way. That you understand your love for each other should not be given a finite ammount and you were being childish when you said you love her "more". End it with you respect her no matter the choice she makes.

Then go back to nc unless she opens up to you. If she says it's over don't keep chasing.

[hope4future]

Fushigidane, thx for the comment.

I am on the NC now and continue it without making any contact with her. But, I believe there is a hope that I can make changes if I go there and be available...bc the main reason for this breakup was the LDR...

I read somewhere that if a woman loses her feeling to a man (and does not have a sexual fantasy), the chance of getting back together would be very very low...have you all seen this? specially ladies in this forum...is it a feeling that won't come back at all?

[sharky988]

Fushigidane, thx for the comment.

I am on the NC now and continue it without making any contact with her. But, I believe there is a hope that I can make changes if I go there and be available...bc the main reason for this breakup was the LDR...

I read somewhere that if a woman loses her feeling to a man (and does not have a sexual fantasy), the chance of getting back together would be very very low...have you all seen this? specially ladies in this forum...is it a feeling that won't come back at all?

 

There's no difference between genders in this regard, just as there's no difference between races. Whenever ANYONE loses feelings -- especially after many years together -- the chances are low that they'll have a change of heart.

 

I would think 6 years of long distance would be hard on any relationship, but even people in non-LDR relationships also can just "lose feelings" and end things with their partner.... it just happens sometimes.

 

She's told you that she wants to end the relationship. For now, your best course of action is to BELIEVE HER.

 

Accept what she's telling you -- even if you don't agree with it. Disappear from her world and put the focus on YOU -- on healing from the breakup and on feeling better. Cut off contact and stop talking to her friend in Sweden for information. Block her on all social media so you're not getting fresh new information, which will only lead to more pain. The goal is to create a bubble of safety around yourself, so you can start to heal from this breakup.

 

IF she changes her mind, she'll let you know. But you must stop reaching out and stop yourself from getting new information about her from others or the internet.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[hope4future]

Sharky988, Thx for the comment.

I will stop asking about her through her friend...I have accepted the break up and I will keep doing NC.

If I forget her and do not got to Sweden as the last attempt for having our relation back, I probably would never do it afterwards (I might get involved with new business here/she might find partner or marry)...However, I believe I will always blame myself that why I did not do it in later years...any thoughts?

I have tried to behave very rational and do not act emotionally (although it was not possible several times)...I feel much much better these days compared with 2-3 weeks ago that I always ready to cry hard!!! I have found a position there and I am thinking to go there in February...while I plan to go to the same city she lives, it does not mean that I certainly can have our relation back...It is getting more and more disappointing when one reads different blogs and stories on the very low chance of reconciliation after breaking up a long-term relation...however, I believe instead of saying 100 times "i love u", I show her how much I really love her by moving to Sweden...If she seriously wants me, it would be one of the rare stories of successful reconciliation; otherwise, I have to continue my life and plan my next steps in Sweden or coming back to USA...

 

I really love her so much...I am thinking about her every second...but, I never ever push her to this relation to see another breakup or a not-secure relation...

 

Please let me know how you all think about it...

[hope4future]

I am on NC phase, but plan to go to Sweden for the final chance...if that did not work, I will move on with my life...It is not like begging...It is just bc I love her so much and I know she loves me so much...but, the LDR has made her to come up with this break up idea! If she really does not love me, I cannot do anything else...The most important thing I can do now is to go there and show her my love instead of saying it hundreds times! thoughts?

[sharky988]

I don't think anyone other than you can make the decision about doing something as drastic as moving to another country.

 

I will say that she's told you her feelings are gone.

 

You believe the only problem between you is the distance. She's telling you the problem is that her feelings are gone.

 

I personally wouldn't move to another country to try and convince someone to take me back after hearing that they no longer have feelings for me. But it's your life and your call.

[hope4future]

I agree with you...I should make the best decision based on our history and whatever I have learned through this forum and other experiences in breakups...If I make sure that lack of feeling is something that is not going back with my presence in that country, I would not do this risk to go there for sure...I will lose many things if I move to Sweden and need to make so many new things from the beginning.

However, bc of our long and lovely relation and all the good memories we had together, I am still considering this decision if I hear positive feedback from her close friend. Otherwise, it would be waste of time, energy, life, and love if I want to convince somebody to love me...She already knows I love her...The last thing I want to do in this relation would be going there (acting rather than talking)...and this happens if I make sure she still has feeling for me and her numbness has just happened bc of the long distance, her loneliness, and some pressure bc of her job (she was under the pressure of losing her job in the past few months).

 

I deeply hope to have our relation back...but, I believe it happens in both sides want it...

 

something else is that she did not have told her family about it yet...I figured it out when her sister asked me about our relation and was worry about it...It is not a reason to rely on, but I believe that it is not the case with all doors closed to me. thoughts?

[sharky988]

I think you're putting a lot of weight on what her sister says -- and what her friend says -- and are ignoring what SHE says, which is that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. That's pretty definite.

 

Look, no one wants to go through a breakup. No one wants to lose someone they love and want to spend the rest of their life with. It's a natural response to try and deny that it's really happening.... but I think right now you might be better served by giving yourself some time to try and accept it.

 

Moving to another country to try and win back someone who's broken up with you..... if a close friend of yours was planning to do this, would you encourage them?

 

Why not give yourself a few months of No Contact to get your head back on straight before making any decisions of this magnitude? Just live with the breakup for a while, get over the shock of it. See what she does, if she changes her mind on her own.

 

Right now you're in panic-mode, desperate to get her back. This is normal, but it will pass. If you two are really meant to be together, you will be. A few months of being broken up isn't going to change that.

[Johnny21422]

Man I'm in the same situation as you.. 2 yr relationship we broke up 2 months ago... I'm in US she is in Italy.

 

I'll say don't go Sweden.. Let time past first and just be busy with yourself and do no contact..

 

Going to sweden right now is very risky and that still gonna be considered like you begging her to be back with you..

 

Right now you think going there and seeing her in person will change her mind.. The answer is no.. Leave her alone for a while and if she contacts you and wanted to work things out then take it from there..

 

She will send you a lot of breadcrumbs for sure just ignore it.. I've been through this man!! She will send how are you? blah blah blah!.

 

They are all just pointless. Don't respond.

[hope4future]

Sharky988, thanks for the comment. I trust this forum a lot a have learned so many things so far. I will continue the NC...I put away all our pictures in my room and I am not checking her fb and photos anymore. I am trying to move on and I have already accepted the relations is broken...I would not begging her to be back till she herself comes back, but it was a 6-year lovely (really lovely) relationship that has ended up to break up mainly due to LDR. I am sure that it would not happen if we were living together...due to my job status, I have put a deadline of 3 months to see if anything changes...I will be prepared to go there, but it won't happen if I make sure she would come back to me and this happens after I talk with her...However, my life is without her and I am planning new things for my life.

 

Johnny21422, I am sorry to hear you have the same issue. I hope we both were talking about how to make our love and relation more romantic and more enjoyable rather than how to pass this terrible time. I have had very difficult times in the past few years that I moved to US, but it was the worst one that really affected my life...If I eventually come up with the idea of moving to Sweden, I should certainly have a position and will plan it assuming we will not get back together. I have some offers and I am looking at it as a short-term position. My ex is super pride and so different than most of the normal girls...She behaves so independently and I believe that she would not send any txt message asking "how r u" or something similar...if I receive a txt from her, that would certainly be positive one...So, it is a little good for me that I do not need to be worry about how to answer her if she wanted to just start a friendship or...I am pretty busy with so many stuff now and I hope good things happen in the next few months...either she comes back to me or I completely forget her...