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I'm not sure if this will sound totally insane but I could use some moral support.


Long story short, my first very serious relationship went up in flames a little over 6 years ago. Surprisingly, this post isn't about that old long-term boyfriend. We went through a LOT, it took 8 months on and off to finally break up for good. He was my high school sweetheart and I was devastated, but I got over it. I truly wish him the best now; we don't talk, but I wish him well. I feel as though if he walked through the door tomorrow, I wouldn't really be effected.


However... during my healing period, I briefly dated someone else. It was hard and fast, he was the final lynch pin in my getting over the ex. It flamed out fast as I had just gotten out of this long term relationship. It didn't really go anywhere as I had a summer of travel lined up. I came home ready to rekindle things, but at that point this new guy was so hurt, he stayed away.


I spent many months trying to put myself on the line and restart things. He continued to ignore me, which was fine - that was his perogative, and I kind of earned it by blowing him off during the summer.


I finally moved on, ended up with an incredible man. Of course, it was at that time this other guy finally came back into my life, finally answering my pleas to rekindle things. At that point, I was already dating the new guy, and the former flame had missed the boat. We went our separate ways, years later I got married to the new guy, and here we are today.


I am really, really happy. I love my husband. I almost never think about the guy who things didn't work out with. We live in the same city, but I rarely see him. Every once in a while we end up at the same social functions -- especially around the holidays (still have mutual friends). That happened this weekend, and I hate to admit I still feel effected by him on some level.


I can honestly say I do NOT wish I ended up with him - he's still incredibly immature even after these years have passed. He hasn't dated anyone else to me knowledge. It often seems he wants what he can't have (he came after me when I was still on and off with the old ex, then came back again when I started dating someone new.) However, when we are in the same room, it's like there's this quiet, distant regard for what we once had, and what could have been. It makes me somewhat sad to think we were two ships passing in the night.


In so many ways I feel he was a CRUCIAL piece in the puzzle of me getting over my first love - he taught me that I could like someone else again. I never really got a chance to tell him I feel he helped me prepare myself to fall in love with my husband, so we got into a conversation this weekend and I finally had the chance to say this.


Now that I've said my piece, I know I need to put this behind me once and for all. I deleted his number and blocked him on facebook - not that we were in any sort of contact anyway, besides happenstance encounters.


It's almost as if I don't want to feel that I imagined this whole thing in my head. I find myself seeking acknowledgment that it really happened. He was significant to me.


I guess I could just use some words of encouragement, or to be told that I'm a moron. Why does any shred of me still care about this? Why can't I just let it go once and for all? I'm happily married and feel like a fool that I still feel this connection to someone I was starting to fall in love with YEARS ago - in many ways, I don't even know him anymore, I just know and remember the idea of him.

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It is not him you. are about. It is the idea of him, as you said.

He was the catalyst for growth and change in your life.

You spoke to him and.know he is the same immature person. Plus is only available when you you are not.


Put him behind you and continue moving forward.

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Have you talked to your husband about any of this?


Husband knows the background on the guy, but I haven't talked to him about the lingering feelings. Like I said, this isn't something that's on my mind often, I'm really just frustrated with myself for feeling anything when in the same room with the former flame (it's only top of mind when we're in the same room at the same time, which is infrequent.)


I fail to see how talking to my husband about it would be helpful, though I doubt he'd be surprised to hear it. I'm not exactly keeping a secret here; husband knows the guy was important to me at one point.


I don't see the point in hurting him by bringing it up when there's really nothing HE can do to help me move past it, I don't think.

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There are some people our hearts never forget.


Even when, intellectually, we know we are better off as we are now... that tiny scrap of longing can linger.


It's called being human.


You know you're not going to act on it, it sounds like you're happy, and these feelings don't mean that you're not happy or looking for an escape. Just keep that part in your mind when you get nostalgic, and if he approaches you... well, you need to make your boundaries clear.

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Thanks everyone. I think the fact that I have any lingering feelings just makes me feel guilty, and then when I realize there are feelings, I start to panic and fear they mean something bigger than they need to be. I need to realize these feelings aren't the boogeyman. I can control what I do with them.


Since I first posted, the guy has tried to make contact. Really surprising because he has not called or texted me in ... years. I was asleep when I missed his call. In fact, I had already deleted his number, but was able to confirm it was in fact him.


I'm thinking I will ignore it all together... but what would you do? What could he possibly have to say? I feel like what he has to say doesn't matter -- it's about MY decision to move forward -- but I hope I won't always wonder what that very VERY out of character phone call was about.

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